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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Neighbours paying me to help ...

91 replies

Iamnotagoddess · 30/11/2019 20:20

My next door neighbours are in their late 80s, early 90s.

They have absolutely no family, no children, no nieces and nephews.

I pop in and check in on them, we help them sort out technical issues, I do a bit of shopping for them, have visited them in hospital and I am the emergency contact person for their Lifeline, and helped her get her blue badge by helping her with the form and photo copying some stuff at work - I generally try to be a good neighbour.

She comes round for a chat quite a lot as she has absolutely no one else (I think he has been a bit of a wanker to her tbh) and he’s recently gone blind.

Tonight she has asked me to help her fill in her attendance allowance form and she wants me to photocopy it at work (which is fine).

DS does their gardening which she pays him for which is fine.

They have fed our cats in the past when we have gone away.

Thing is, tonight for instance she has given me a tenner which I tried to refuse three times for the photo copying.

Whenever I do anything she tries to give me money and it makes me so uncomfortable.

I have said to her that I am her friend and she doesn’t need to pay me but she insists to the point where I can’t refuse any more (they aren’t hard up but that’s not the point).

She has given me bottles of wine sometimes which is better than taking cash for something which isn’t costing me any money.

Wtf do I do

OP posts:

Ilovelblue · 30/11/2019 20:52

Can I just say you are very lucky t be appreciated like this. I used to help out an elderly neighbour of mine through choice. I never wanted any money and did it as I didn't like to see him struggle (relatives largely ignored him) then several months later got accused by them of spending his money. We barely spoke after that as it wasn't worth the stress. I felt so sorry for him but I couldn't let myself get into that position again.

sleepyhead · 30/11/2019 20:52

This is one of the ways that people keep their dignity when they find themselves needing more support than they were used to. Please don't take this small thing away from her by refusing or just using it to buy her things.

Maybe you can think of some other favours you can ask her to do so she feels things are more equal?

eddielizzard · 30/11/2019 20:52

You're doing a wonderful thing, and she doesn't want to feel indebted. I'd take the odd tenner, to save her dignity of having to rely on you so much. It's hard not being able to reciprocate the same way, she needs to be able to do something for her.

Original poster

Iamnotagoddess · 30/11/2019 20:56

Thank you all for saying it’s wonderful.

It makes me feel a bit sad that it’s seen that way.

My mum always helped everyone out and I think it’s just what people should do.

OP posts:

Earslaps · 30/11/2019 21:02

It probably makes her feel better to give you the money. As long as they can definitely afford it, then either pass it on to a charity (age concern maybe since so many other elderly people aren't as lucky as they are to have you) or save it up for some sort of memorial for them (dedicate a park bench somewhere they/you love).

Or if you have children you could put it in an account for them for when they are older.

Original poster

Iamnotagoddess · 30/11/2019 21:11

She’s never been abroad, I would love to take her abroad for a day trip to France 😂

OP posts:

chocatoo · 30/11/2019 21:12

It’s her way of expressing her thanks. She probably hopes you will use it to treat yourself to something nice. You sound lovely, your mum would be v proud of you I think.

Bowerbird5 · 30/11/2019 21:14

Why don’t you put it aside and take her out for afternoon tea in the New Year when Jan/ Feb can be long, lonely months.

OP. My mum was like that and my sisters and I are all like it too. We had a lovely neighbour who has died now and I often miss him. The new ones keep very much to themselves. We get on fine on one side the other side fell out with us over something and now refuse to speak. Petty! Not everyone is like you though.😀

Original poster

Iamnotagoddess · 30/11/2019 21:15

Ooh yes I could take her out she would love that - get DS to sit with her OH.

OP posts:

Butterflycookie · 30/11/2019 21:17

She’s never been abroad, I would love to take her abroad for a day trip to France 😂

Awwwh that’s the cutest thing!! I’d love for you to take her away.

Nojustyou · 30/11/2019 21:18

she must be on MN, where the majority of threads will accuse anyone to be a CF if they dare asking for a favour.

OP, you sound lovely, and normal. I would accept the money, it might make her feel better and less worried to ask you for another thing. I would also save it and use it if I need to buy them a gift at some point.

Is she a gardener? Could you ask her to make you a hanging basket or something?

But it's so nice to read about people like you. Your neighbours are lucky.

Original poster

Iamnotagoddess · 30/11/2019 21:19

Well I helped her sort her passport a few years ago but she hasn’t used it

I don’t think she would leave her DH for a day trip ..

OP posts:

StillNumb · 30/11/2019 21:22

You sound like a very kind neighbour, Our neighbours are in their eighties, and we we put their bins out every week. They have family visiting regularly as well.

BlueJava · 30/11/2019 21:22

Rather than take the money ask her I'd she would mind helping you. My parents are like this but I ask them to do instead. "I'd rather not take the money but would you mind helping me with this mending/knkt a hat/listen out fir DC/advise me on this gardening question" or whatever.

saraclara · 30/11/2019 21:23

Absolutely. This way she keeps her self respect. I know it feels awful accepting the money, but if you don't, there might come a time where she just feels she can't ask you for help any more.

I think saving it and using it to treat her to a day out or maybe a nice afternoon tea would be the best way to handle it.

lottiegarbanzo · 30/11/2019 21:24

I think it's fine. She wants to give you a token of appreciation but doesn't have the wherewithal or knowledge of your tastes to choose a suitable gift. She'd like you to accept the gift.

Put it in a savings account for your child.

Takeing her out for afternoon tea, or on a day trip, if her health is up to it, would be fab.

Original poster

Iamnotagoddess · 30/11/2019 21:29

I have 3 kids and we moved in here when my youngest was 3, he’s now 17.

She told me she wanted children but it just never happened.

DD and I went round when she was all ready for her prom a few years ago and she was absolutely delighted, she cried.

OP posts:

Coxie2006 · 30/11/2019 21:30

I too work in LA & see how older people have no one around. What you are doing is making a difference in her life. I think buying her the lantern is a sweet thing to do. X

SeaToSki · 30/11/2019 21:41

If she doesnt need the money I would accept it and save it to take her on a afternoon out

If she does need the money I would accept it and sneak it back into her purse or somewhere in the house

She keeps her dignity and doesnt think she is seen as a charity case (which I know is not what you think at all, but maybe she does) but you dont feel uncomfortable with the situation.

If there is any worry that you might be seen as taking advantage, just keep a list of what she gives you and what you do with it

MarkingTimeIm59 · 30/11/2019 21:55

What a lovely neighbour you are. You and your family must have made a huge difference to this lady’s life.

shiningstar2 · 30/11/2019 21:55

You sound lovely. If you decide to use some of the money for an outing for her don't be too ambitious at first. A lunch, afternoon tea or cinema visit would be a special treat to her if she doesn't get out much and if you go local and it's not too stressful getting her about you can always do it again if you would like to. If you live near a theatre an outing there could be a special treat for both of you. Hope this lovely relationship continues. Maybe even you and dh taking the pair of them out with the money they give you, but don't be embarrassed about accepting small gifts for yourself and family. She/they will want to show you that they appreciate you.

Shesalittlemadam · 30/11/2019 22:01

This neighbour of yours sounds fab! I'd love to meet her

MoaningMinniee · 30/11/2019 22:07

I get this sometimes with my dog walking business. There has always been an indistinct crossover line between business relationship when dog needs walking due to health reasons and dog needs walking due to household in trouble, I think I have managed to deal with it without offending anyone so far. Cinnamon Trust are wonderful and I've tactfully recommended them several times. I also do a half day per week pro bono... it can be challenging to not admit it's a freebie to some of the clients!

MoaningMinniee · 30/11/2019 22:10

When they absolutely insist on giving me some money I always tell them that it's going in my children's future fund. Which is actually true.

Original poster

Iamnotagoddess · 30/11/2019 22:12

Yes, she is fab. She was an illegitimate child born in the 30s.

I think she has spent her life apologising for herself and her very existence.

She had an affair for 10 years with a man who used to take her out dancing

OP posts:

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