Neighbours paying me to help ...

[Iamnotagoddess]

My next door neighbours are in their late 80s, early 90s.

They have absolutely no family, no children, no nieces and nephews.

I pop in and check in on them, we help them sort out technical issues, I do a bit of shopping for them, have visited them in hospital and I am the emergency contact person for their Lifeline, and helped her get her blue badge by helping her with the form and photo copying some stuff at work - I generally try to be a good neighbour.

She comes round for a chat quite a lot as she has absolutely no one else (I think he has been a bit of a wanker to her tbh) and he’s recently gone blind.

Tonight she has asked me to help her fill in her attendance allowance form and she wants me to photocopy it at work (which is fine).

DS does their gardening which she pays him for which is fine.

They have fed our cats in the past when we have gone away.

Thing is, tonight for instance she has given me a tenner which I tried to refuse three times for the photo copying.

Whenever I do anything she tries to give me money and it makes me so uncomfortable.

I have said to her that I am her friend and she doesn’t need to pay me but she insists to the point where I can’t refuse any more (they aren’t hard up but that’s not the point).

She has given me bottles of wine sometimes which is better than taking cash for something which isn’t costing me any money.

Wtf do I do

Can she afford to pay you?

If so let her. She doesn't want to feel indebted.

You are doing far more for them than you realise. By accepting their money you are giving them back their pride. She probably has no idea of your financial situation and thinks that she is ‘helping’ you rather than ‘rewarding or thanking you’. I would enthusiastically thank her, which will make her feel good, the. give the money to a charity.

It's so patronising to assume that people can't give money or gestures because they are old. My grandad was absolutely loaded, compos mentis but disabled by age and illness and prone to falls - he's have been so offended if people paid the money secretly back.

And tbh a blind man and a frail woman living upstairs in a hoarders house sounds like a call to adult social services not plans to take them on day trips.

Could you have a chat with Age UK or Age Concern about your worries, talking thru because once cash/gift is handed over could be viewed in a different way from tax or insurance if anything went wrong, just so you know where you are.

By the way you are very lovely to help them out but am sure it is satisfying to know how reassuring to them to have you around.

Tell her she’s like an aunty to you and you wouldn’t take money from family, so....
That might solve your problem and make her feel loved at the same time.

My lovely mum was quite immobile and pretty much housebound for two years before she died. Naturally, I'd take her shopping, my neice used to clean her flat once a week and my sister and I would sort her bills and admin out. She used to insist on giving us money and said it made her feel better if we took it. We used to take it then pay it back in to her bank account. Giving you money/wine is probably helping your neighbour feel a bit more independent so I would take it. You could always give it to a charity for the elderly if you felt guilty taking it. You sound like a lovely person

Agree Noeuf, many people have money and it gives them pleasure to give it away and see others using it. So long as it is given freely and without pressure then it should be graciously accepted.

I work for Adult Social Services- if they don't want help with hoarding and have capacity to make that decision then it's up to them, no one can force them to sort out their house. If we had a referral in this situation the first thing we would do is check they gave consent for the referral-
It sounds like you have asked her if she wants help and she doesn't, therefore we would not do anything. We would suggest getting the fire brigade out to do a few safety check as hoarding creates a bigger fire risk but again that would be up to them if they wanted that or not.

Well done on being such a lovely neighbour, we need more people like you in the world!

fluffygal

Yes, thank you. I work in children’s SC right next to Adults admin so often pop over and ask for info

Well how do you eat Amish capacity if you accept a third party saying they didn't give consent . Lovely get out for you - do they want you to tell us? No, ok well that fine we won't do anything.

'Establish capacity'

Put it all in a jar and use it to maybe help them in emergencies.

I agree with pp, thank god for people like you.

Tbf it’s the same with Children’s Services unless it’s safeguarding.

We can’t even record anything without consent.

That is unfair Noeuf. I have cared for 3 intransigent elderly people and know how hard it is to give them the care they need. SS can hardly barge into a home if the occupant refuses help. Sadly it takes a crisis for them to admit they need help.

Mental capacity is assumed in all cases and is time and decision specific. If someone has a condition of the mind or brain that could affect capacity then we could assess their capacity- in this case it doesn't sound like there is. Just because people live a different way to us doesn't mean SS have a right to bowl in and change it- people can make unwise decisions and still have capacity.

We can't hide who the referral came from and it is a waste of everyone's time to not get their consent to the referral as they will just say no to any help. These are adults we are talking about, who have a right to private life and we cannot force them to do anything they do not want to do.

@Iamnotagoddess That's great you can do that, our children's department are upstairs so rarely see them- we have housing next to us though which is very helpful!