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AIBU?

To want to help child with housing deposit?

134 replies

Lightsabre · 30/11/2019 14:14

Can I ask, if you had financial help with your deposit, how much or what % of the purchase you received. DH has conveniently forgotten his parents helped him on to the ladder with a 30% gift but this was many years ago when a house in the area he lived in cost £90K. Flats nearby in SE are circa £250K minimum now and I'd like to be able to gift ds 25% when the time comes (not for a few years yet and we'd need to save more/use some pension). He wants to spend the money travelling (of which we have been lucky enough to do a substantial amount in our late 20's and 30's) but I'd like to help our child as much as we can.
What have your experiences been?

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Snufflesdog · 30/11/2019 23:06

@CherryPavlova that’s great if that’s working for you. In my experience most of those who get that help don’t appreciate it, and don’t understand their privilege, whilst often judging those who haven’t had it - as though they have somehow not succeeded as much as their houses may be smaller or take longer to buy etc. Or they perhaps do not have a realistic view of the world and money.

As an adult I wouldn’t have taken as much help from a parent as you seem to be offering. that is a huge amount of help and money to receive. However not everyone’s the same and you know your children, if that works for your family that’s great for you.

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Lightsabre · 30/11/2019 23:08

I agree that kids need to work hard and save for themselves (dh perspective too) but it's such a different economic environment now - no amount of hard work is going to net you a £50K deposit if you have to rent, live, pay travel costs etc in the SE these days. You'd be well into your 30's/40's. He'd have to earn £50K + just to take on a £200K mortgage (without the deposit). I think he'll be living with us for a long time unless he can 'couple' up with a partner or friend.

I genuinely think a move up North would be for the best for all of us - I'm really happy to start afresh there but dh reluctant as family etc all in London and the SE. Ds too young to decide - will be encouraging those northern/Scottish universities!

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CherryPavlova · 30/11/2019 23:14

Snufflesdogs My experience is completely different. I don’t know anyone who was helped and didn’t appreciate it. I don’t know any who switched off and stopped working.
My experience is that showing them it’s possible to achieve makes them aim higher.
I have to confess to having never met anyone, young or old, who actually turned down help with housing costs. Most of our children’s friends are helped or bought somewhere outright.

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SospanFrangipan · 30/11/2019 23:16

We received 5% from my parents, and the same from DHs Dad (MIL passed away).

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lljkk · 30/11/2019 23:26

After expensive divorce, I think my (then 50yo) dad had a loan of about £20k off his dad to buy property (probably 5% of the purchase price, my dad is high earning but had no cash at that point).

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loveskaka · 30/11/2019 23:29

My dad gave my 5k for my first bought house and 7.5k for my second bought house (I bought his house as he was down grading) he wanted me to buy it but I could afford the full deposit myself

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Merryoldgoat · 30/11/2019 23:37

DH’s parents gave us £30k which represented a 13% deposit for our first flat. They gave the same to their other son too.

We were so so lucky and it was entirely unexpected. We offered it back when we bought our house but they said it was a gift.

I signed a deed of trust to protect their money in the first flat. That’s gone now as we’re married with kids.

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Dowser · 30/11/2019 23:44

Socksey
I’m shocked at the despicable way your parents have treated you
What on Earth is the matter with some people

I would be sending a solicitors letter to the, demanding that they put your £100k from the house sale on their death into a trust for you..if its all drawn up legally ( if you have proof and a paper trail..even better..that way the money is seen as a loan and and the trust should ensure it’s disregarded if they need care homes)

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ploughingthrough · 30/11/2019 23:45

My parents weren't in a position to help us. My husband's parents gave us 10k and the rest we saved. It was hard and I would love to be able to help my DC to the tune of around 10-15%. Especially with the very high cost of housing and the debt they may be in should they go to uni.
We are saving hard for them and for ourselves so they don't need to worry about us.

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Dowser · 30/11/2019 23:46

My house was £8k so no help from anyone
We kept adding to it..so we still paid a Mortgage till I was 52
Albeit a small one
We got an endowment and the money we got ( about £10k paid for new windows and doors)

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christmasathome · 30/11/2019 23:56

My in laws gave us £5000 3 years ago as we had guesstimated how much our house would go for when we checked to see affordability on the new build we were looking to buy and they wouldn't adjust the mortgage so we were £7000 short. Managed to save £2000 before the moved and asked in laws if they could help.

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flirtygirl · 01/12/2019 01:53

I would if I have the money. As a minimum they could live with me, to be able to save.

I would also pool money to get a larger place to suit us, all if they wanted to go down that route.

I think parents should help if they can. I don't get this mentality of just letting your kids get on with it. I would never see my kid struggle and just sit back and do nothing, if I could do anything to help no matter how small.

I think that some people moved away to cheaper areas where they would have stayed closer to family if they could have afforded to. That's sad, their family should care and want to have them closer. If they can afford to help, why didn't they?

When they say "oh you will get it when I die", who cares about that? What's the point of money sat in the bank, when it can be put to use to help the people you love?

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smileannie · 01/12/2019 05:59

Gave 30 yr old DD £20k. It would have been almost impossible for her to get on the ladder without help. Even then, it is a shared ownership deal 50% presently but she is hoping to up this to 75% in next few years. She earns good money but one wage just wasn’t enough. She has a partner, been together approx 3 years now but has always been adamant that her first purchase would be on her own.

We have recently refurbished and bought almost everything new eg toaster, kettle, microwave etc and have given her the existing things.

She doesn’t know yet, but planning on treating her to sofas she wants for Xmas/birthday present.

V v proud of her, she has had quite a challenging few years due to family issues, but has kept to her motto of ‘onwards n upwards” and got there.

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JolieOBrien · 01/12/2019 06:02

@Lightsabre

You can give them a gift deposit which the solicitor or conveyancer will put in the legal documents. I used to be a legal assistant before I retired because of ill health.

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DexyMidnight · 01/12/2019 06:02

I don't get the 'they've got to earn the value of money' argument either. I always think it's an excuse for miserliness (sorry).

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JolieOBrien · 01/12/2019 06:04

I used to pay my daughters rent before she purchased a house. My husband and I didn't help her with the deposit because his father did. We just helped them furnish the house as our contribution.

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Squeakybubbles26 · 01/12/2019 06:05

Never had any help financially from my parents when buying our first house. It was down to ourselves through lots of savings.
However if I was in a situation where I could help my children I would but fairly and equally. Will have to see in those years to come.

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speakout · 01/12/2019 06:07

I got nothing from my parents, I hope to be able to help my own children though.
Our mortgage is almost paid off, and as e kids leave home we may downsize, this house is too big for just two of us in retirement ( 5 bedrooms), which would enable us to buy a smaller place outright and free up some equity for the children.

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sausagetoes · 01/12/2019 06:12

My student DCs have a help to buy ISA, whatever they save we match.

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Mlou32 · 01/12/2019 06:18

I didn't recieve anything as my parents wouldn't have been able to afford to give me a lump sum. However if you are able to afford it then i don't see anything at all wrong with it.

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NearlyGranny · 01/12/2019 06:22

I have invested my inheritance from my parents for my young adult children to share equally as contributions to deposits for buying their first houses. I already have a house and would like to think their grandparents, who were young adults serving and working in WWII, would approve. One DD has just married and bought her first house. Two DC to go. It felt good. If all our finances had been fully joint, DH would not have approved this in 1000 years, tbh. It would have sat uselessly in the bank until we were both dead by which time our DC could easily be on the brink of retirement themselves.

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NearlyGranny · 01/12/2019 06:23

And it hasn't stopped us travelling, though we don't fly business or first!

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Anon19851985 · 01/12/2019 06:32

I rent a council house. I have saved a deposit on my own as a single parent and I hope to buy in the next 5 years. DD is 8 and I have saved her Child Benefit since she was born. My Nan tops it up by £20 and all Christmas and Birthday money goes into her ISA. I want to help as much as I can. She is an only child.

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FudgeBrownie2019 · 01/12/2019 06:44

I bought my first house at 21 when I left University. My Dad helped me and matched the deposit I'd saved up (I'd been working since 16 while studying) and taught me over the following two years how to do up the whole place; we put in new electrics, bathrooms, laid floors, skimmed walls, hung wallpaper, built furniture and everything in between. I credit him with a huge amount, not least the fact that my first house was a dive when I bought it and it was beautiful by the time we'd finished. He did the same for my older siblings and the three of us were (and are) eternally thankful to have parents who helped us out. Since helping all three with deposits I don't think they've subbed any of us since, although I know they bailed my Sister out when her first DH left her and their DC, but the truth is that once you have your foot in the door owning a home you probably won't need subbing in life because you're already at an advantage, so it's a huge gift they gave us.

We have two DC and my Dad saves money for their future the way he did for us. He doesn't do Christmas or Birthday gifts but each of them has a savings account enough for a deposit on a house. The DC don't know, and won't know until the appropriate time but I'd hope that they'll be the kind of adults who'll understand what a huge gift it is and how fortunate they are.

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Lovemenorca · 01/12/2019 06:49

Yes I got help.

And yes absolutely my children will get help. My ex husband and I save I bc yo same pot for each of them and forecast is at least £30k each when 18, and then on top of that we will each get money when time comes to purchase.

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