To think I'm a nightmare wife?

[SundayGirlB]

At home currently on maternity leave. Look forward to the weekends all week where DH is home and can help out and we can do stuff as a family. Then the weekend gets here and for the first half of Saturday he really annoys me. Things that annoy me:

• having to coach him in the basics of baby care i.e. the baby has porridge on his face. Clean his face. The baby has a wet baby grow, change baby. What can he eat? Oh just the array of pre prepared meals in the freezer. JUST PICK ONE.

• remind him of baby schedule. The baby has been awake for over 2 hours and is grouchy. He needs a nap. It's morning and the baby hasn't had his breakfast, feed the baby etc etc.

It is supposed to be the time he takes the lead but it ain't happening. He barely sees the baby in the week so I shouldn't blame him. He is also very very helpful round the house.

I feel like some 1950s housewife all possessive over my domestic sphere. Please help me get a grip and be nice to my increasingly sheepish husband.

We had the same convo as you last night. Dh: what's ds having for tea? Me: something from the freezer. Dh: yes, that's obvious but what? Me: I don't know, I haven't looked yet

Well, for balance can I tell you how this would have gone with my ex wife?

I would have given son eg carrot purée and cauliflower something she had made while I was at work.

“What did you give him that for? That’s what he had yesterday. Oh my got you are so useless”

It was easier to ask and be told I was usles for asking, than it was to use initiative and not so something EXACTLY as she would have done it, and so have to deal with the fall out from that.

I can tell you whatever I did and however hard I tried it was wrong (ie not exactly as she would have done it) so trying to show any initiative was pointless.

Wrong coat, wrong hat, wrong food, wrong way of playing etc.

Go out and leave the bloke to it and let him do things his way.

First baby? Remember that he is spending much less time with baby if he is working that means a slower rate of learning.

You hovering over him telling him he is useless is not motivating either. The fact is that he will probably wipe baby's face, change the baby gro and pick the dinner if you leave him to do it, he just isn't as efficient as you yet. Perhaps Saturday mornings you could go out for a few hours? It might be chaos at first but he will get there.

Take a look at some articles on maternal gatekeeping if you want to know more.

blackcat I’m a working mother of two, and yes as you say, I do manage it. But I still wouldn’t like it if my DH was sat in another room judging me as a shit mother waiting for me to make a mistake he could crow about. That’s the issue here in my opinion.

DH has done loads of things "wrong" that turned out brilliantly in the end.

Don't be the gatekeeper. It's a life sentence. You'll regret it later.

As the old saying goes (I can't remember the exact wording) with a small baby

If you go to your bed with everybody fed and nobody dead then the day was a success.

Obviously the last bit doesn't scan. I can't remember the proper end bit but you get the idea. It was said to me in a strong Newcastle accent.

You should start the weekend with a couple of hours of you time. Go out and allow your husband to get reacquainted with fatherhood. Get the food out ready for him, you shouldn't have to, but small acts of devotion (even when through gritted teeth) help a marriage to tick along.

Then come back and try to enjoy your weekend together as much as possible.

I should add, that I also look forward to Friday nights and Monday mornings with equal measure but for completely different reasons.

• Write up a rough guide of the daily routine.

Make plans for yourself on Sat mornings, blow dry, walk, coffee etc*

This seems the best way forward. He needs more practice and you need not to be there to rescue him.

@TheCatInAHat

Well, I think it depends on what kinds of issues the OP is upset about. If it's nickpicking, like I can't believe you dressed the baby in a green shirt and blue trousers or annoyed because he fed the baby dinner food for lunch, then she needs to relax and not let the small stuff bother her so much. However, from reading her post, it seems to me it's more the basic stuff he can't get right and it's not that the OP is judging him but is just frustrated that he can't get on and take care of his own child for a few hours.

Annoying, yes but listen up. STOP. What is needed is for Dh to be left with baby. Give basic instructions for important things and then go out. He needs to be left to learn without nagging or micromanaging. Then then when you come home, IGNORE any small imperfections and make Dh feel competent. He will not be perfect at first - NEITHER WERE YOU!!! But he will get better if a) he is left to get on with it b) he is not emasculated by a wife who makes him feel like a failure when he is trying to do stuff. Just like anyone of any age, learning happens best with need and with encouragement. Do it right now and you will have a partner to share things with. Criticise him constantly and demand perfection from day one and he will give up trying and you will find yourself always pissed off. He will withdraw from that area of life and you will move apart.

How this went at our house

DH: what should I feed dd?
Me: there are ripe avocados, cooked sweet potatoes, or you could make her a quick steak.

DH: but which one should I feed her
Me: whichever one you want
DH: no, tell me which one
Me: no, pick one
DH: 20 reasons he can’t possibly be the person who chooses what his child eats
Me: fine avocado
DH: how do I cut an avocado?

I don’t think I was micromanaging at all, and I suspect the OP isn’t either.

Do you have to nag him to get things done? As in have you ever not nagged to see if he does something? Just because he doesn’t do things right away / per what you want it doesn’t mean he’s doing it wrong.

For example left to my own devices I would Take DN from the highchair and straight to the bath everyday after breakfast as she totally ruined her clothes. I wouldn’t wipe her face or change her clothes or faff around like that.

Honestly I think you need to give them some alone time on the weekends so he can get his groove going with the baby care. Otherwise your life will be unbearable when you return to work.

A dad who needs reminding to feed his own child/change it out of wet clothes is not being ‘emasculated’ by his mean nagging wife ffs.

No it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t feed/change the child perfectly. Yes it does matter if he doesn’t feed/change the child at all without having someone talk him through it via WhatsApp.

But, it's not like he's just been handed a random baby and told to care for it. The baby must be at least 6 months old by now, so surely after 6 months of weekend parenting, he must be vaguely competent at it by now.

Most of the OP's complaints are food related, so I suppose it depends on how long the baby has been weaning.

I think @Gatehouse77 's idea is really good - sometimes people just benefit from seeing it in writing. DH could never remember anything about kids' days. They're older now, but synched Google calendars for their arrangements like parties or Guides has been a godsend.

I think I’d find it hard ..

Communicate priorities.

If baby is being neglected when crying and cranky, and if father isn’t following necessary steps to not neglect a child’s basic needs id find it impossible to not step in.

Feeding when hungry, changing when wet or dirty, adequate warm clothing and right environment for sleep around the time he needs it is important..

If he is working hard to work it out then I’d back off and let him know I’m available for support when needed. But most I’ve seen don’t give a crap and as long as baby is “surviving” then they pat themselves on the back.

I couldn’t watch my husband give baby sweets for breakfast and TV to stop him demanding attention Because he is hungry and clotheless during December because “he isn’t complaining”.

A father doesn’t have the green pass to neglect a child’s needs just like a mother doesnt..

And so yes, it’s not OPs fault if she had to step in under these circumstances.

But if it’s minor things that don’t constitute neglect then the issue is about keeping up the routine for yourself so you can get back into it by Monday. It requires teamwork. He won’t just “get it” he will need better understanding and time to adjust.

If it’s about child’s welfare and basic things that he wouldn’t accept on himself then I’d expect him to step up.

My judgement meter would be:

1- If a mum parented they same way as him would that be considered neglect ?

2- if it’s because he is “new” is he trying his best to learn or he is happy to be chilled and laid back and isn’t bothered about his child’s comfort and development?

If any of the above 2 then it’s fine to micromanage. If not then chill out

You don’t sound like a nightmare, just a bit mean

My DH didn't get it until we had our 3rd child and he had to serve as main childcare while I worked part time. Very part time. Not even 10 hours a week. He has an amazing bond with that child, and has really stepped up to the mark.

I think as the main carer we forget that we didn't know what to do when baby was born. We had to learn and make mistakes and figure out the hungry cries from the tired cries and figure out that if you leave porridge for more than 2 mins it dries harder than cement.
Dad is following our lead and not really taking any of the info in because mum is there to take the lead.
He needs to let the baby be dirty or hungry or tired and realise that's why himself. If you carry on reminding him he wont pick up on the cues.

It is tough to let the baby be upset and thats why most mums don't give the dads a chance to learn. I was so upset with DH for not knowing that "wah wah" means I need a cuddle and " wahh wooo wahh" means I am thirsty and silence means I am pooping. it caused loads of arguments but how could he know when he spends approximately 1/2 of DS's life away from him at work, and the other half watching me parent him? I took me years to realise it.

I remember going back to work at weekends when dc 1 & 2 were both under 3 and being frustrated or disappointed that DH had taken then out without a change of clothes or had to buy food out because he hadn't taken enough snacks etc and constantly trying to preplan and pack for him...

My mum said, 'you only know to take more spare clothes because you were caught out without enough once, you only know how many nappies to take because you lugged too many around once etc. You didn't automatically know how to care for them, you learned it. Let him do the same!'

I had to learn not to wince when I saw photos of what they'd gone out wearing, or tut when I found out he'd bought emergency snacks. They were all having a lovely time and he v quickly got much more proficient at meeting their basic needs in a less stress-inducing way.

He now looks after all 3 while I work a lot, and is far better at most aspects of practical parenting and house keeping than I'll ever be. We do it differently but the kids are well looked after either way.

Step back, go out, accept different approaches and be forgiving. It'll all get better in time.

Write a timetable out

Leave it on the fridge

Go out

You’re not a nightmare.

He has learned helplessness.

Christ this thread is depressing. So many women queueing up to tell OP she's a nightmare because she expects the father of her child to be able to handle to absolute basics of childcare alone. Reminding him to feed, wash and change his baby is not nagging or micromanaging - it's embarrassing that he's not doing these things proactively. As for those saying she should make him a list - good God.

OP, YANBU. I'm not saying you should leave your husband or even start a row with him over this but I would certainly be having a serious conversation about him being a more proactive parent. He's as capable as you of reading up on weaning, of following your child's sleep cues, of knowing when to change a nappy. A quick "debrief" of any changes from the week ("I made him a batch of cottage pie, he's dropped his afternoon nap, he can reach that side table now" etc etc) should be all it takes.

It can be hard to bite your tongue but as long as he is not unsafe with baby let him do it his way

I am with @peachgreen

If you decide to be a more or less disinterested passenger in your child’s care and the person who takes a lead on it and hence is the expert on your child wishes to give you guidance then grow some balls, take the advice and say thank you.