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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'm a nightmare wife?

123 replies

SundayGirlB · 30/11/2019 09:21

At home currently on maternity leave. Look forward to the weekends all week where DH is home and can help out and we can do stuff as a family. Then the weekend gets here and for the first half of Saturday he really annoys me. Things that annoy me:

  • having to coach him in the basics of baby care i.e. the baby has porridge on his face. Clean his face. The baby has a wet baby grow, change baby. What can he eat? Oh just the array of pre prepared meals in the freezer. JUST PICK ONE.
  • remind him of baby schedule. The baby has been awake for over 2 hours and is grouchy. He needs a nap. It's morning and the baby hasn't had his breakfast, feed the baby etc etc.

It is supposed to be the time he takes the lead but it ain't happening. He barely sees the baby in the week so I shouldn't blame him. He is also very very helpful round the house.

I feel like some 1950s housewife all possessive over my domestic sphere. Please help me get a grip and be nice to my increasingly sheepish husband.

OP posts:
53rdWay · 30/11/2019 10:48

or you see the wet clothes and change them?! Why would you need to ask?! Would you like to be sat in wet clothes?

well, exactly...

My husband doesn't do all baby care tasks the way I do, or the way I think is most efficient or whatever, but at the end of the day if he's taking sole care of the children they are fed, clean, happy and safe. So that's fine, I don't care about him doing things differently. But if he wasn't doing them at all or wasn't doing them without having to continually ask me what to do next, that would be different.

WorraLiberty · 30/11/2019 10:49

OP, did your DH know the baby's clothes were wet?

PhilCornwall1 · 30/11/2019 10:51

You've probably become a pro without really realising

Do you ever become a pro at being a parent? Every day is a school day, especially as they get older, totally different things you have to get your head around and decide what to do or how to help the best you can.

BlackCatSleeping · 30/11/2019 10:52

I think you’re being hard on him. Put yourself in his shoes- if you were working mon to fri, cracking on with housework and then needing to switch to a totally different type of work at the weekend, which is new to you and you’re keen to get right, but the person doing that job all week is huffy about you needing help and sits in another room waiting for you to what’s app your queries..... well, I wouldn’t like it.

And yet working mothers around the world somehow manage it. Amazing, really! Not all dads are useless. I see dads all the time who change nappies and wipe faces without giving it a second thought.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 30/11/2019 10:53

Are you considering sharing any of the paternity leave? That really changed the way my husband looked at things. He was off for a couple of months and after the first week stopped asking me anything.

C8H10N4O2 · 30/11/2019 10:53

Just go out and leave him to it. It's the only way

^This.

If the baby is weaning I'm guessing a few months in rather than new. So long enough for even a weekend parent to recognise wet nappies, a routine etc.

As for feeding himself - is he an adult or a child? How did he feed himself before you were married?

Go out, even if it means returning for an hour mid day. If needs be position it as time for him to learn about his own baby just like you had to. Point out that if anything happens to you he won't have the option of asking instructios (and frankly its laziness half the time which triggers this).

I wouldn't care about wiping a face instantly but nappies need changing. He needs to step up, you need to let him. There is nothing less attractive as you get older than a fully grown man who is useless around the house and asks you what's for supper.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/11/2019 10:54

Imagine if on a Saturday instead of your husband trying to help with baby and give you a rest that you swapped roles. Him having baby and you in the office/ garage/ factory whatever. Would you know what to do?!
Baby is weaning so something like 6 months old. After 6 MONTHS of doing his job every weekend, plus hopefully at least two weeks paternity leave at the start, yes she should know how to do the job. It isn't difficult.

OP I wonder if you've fallen into the trap of micromanaging him so much because he hadn't got a clue at the start that he now has no faith in his own judgement. So hence the stupid questions. It's what, minimum 6 months down the line now, babies face doesn't need cleaning after every mouthful but porridge sets so needs doing once bfast is finished. Common sense. If nappy has leaked hence wet baby grow that's a priority - nappy and clothes before it continues leaking over everything else. Common sense. He knows this. But either he's faking incompetence so you'll just take over and he can sit back and relax, or he just doesn't relaise he can do it.

I'd go out, tell him you have every faith he won't need you as he's a good dad, so to only call if it's urgent as you need a few hours peace. Go out, throw phone in bottom of bag and see what happens.
When you get back, come in and if it looks in chaos, ask kindly if there's anything he wants you to do, rather than coming in and taking over. If you treat him like he isn't wrong, he might realise he can do it right.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 30/11/2019 10:54

Although saying that, I'm pretty sure most people with no experience would think to wipe a baby's face rather than leave it caked in food

WorraLiberty · 30/11/2019 10:55

Paternity leave would make a huge difference here I think

In fact it might tip the scales considerably and the OP might be the one taking her time to 'get' the routine.

53rdWay · 30/11/2019 10:55

On a more constructive note: what I would probably do here is say "Look, this isn't working. I feel like I'm on duty all the time and can't trust you to take basic care of the baby. You presumably aren't happy with this either. Let's sort this out. I am going out, you are in sole charge of the baby for the next X hours, and you are NOT to WhatsApp me or contact me at all unless there's an actual emergency. I'll tell you now what I usually do with the baby in the mornings, and you can fire any questions at me about that just now, but once I'm out of the door I'm GONE."

It's to both of their benefit that he sees himself as responsible for caring for the baby just as much as you are. It will help his relationship with the baby no end especially given he works very long hours and doesn't see the baby much in the week. It's not THAT hard to work out how to feed/change/wipe faces, he'll crack it once he knows he has to.

StreetwiseHercules · 30/11/2019 10:55

“ I understand that you would much rather make this an issue of a nagging micromanaging harpy wife, ”

That’s not the case, the OP proposed the topic!

Could you answer my question please as to why you were pretending not to understand what I meant?

53rdWay · 30/11/2019 10:58

Could you answer my question please as to why you were pretending not to understand what I meant?

"Not agreeing with my reframing of the situation into OP as nagging harpy, complete with scenarios I entirely made up to illustrate my point" = "pretending not to understand what I meant", aye?

SunniDay · 30/11/2019 11:00

SleepingStandingUp
" After 6 MONTHS of doing his job every weekend, plus hopefully at least two weeks paternity leave at the start, yes she should know how to do the job. It isn't difficult."
It's funny how the job of parenting is described as hardest job in the world when mums are doing it. When dad is trying to cover in a role he doesn't normally do it "isn't difficult"!

TowelNumber42 · 30/11/2019 11:00

Men often don't recognise mental load as a thing in new mothers.Spell it out. Tell him that you need a break from having to constantly think about everything. Tell him he won't break the baby, just have a go at whatever situation is in front of him as best he can and it'll be fine. Point out that you learned the hard way too and goodness knows you made loads of mistakes along the way so you won't be telling him off, you'll be having a laugh with him about whatever hilarious disaster came to pass.

Insertdeadcatsnamehere · 30/11/2019 11:01

Go out. Turn your phone off. They'll be fine.

PlumsGalore · 30/11/2019 11:03

Some men are incredibly useless, I know I had one. But imagine a time before you had children, imagine just being left one weekend with a random baby and the mother nagging at you for everything you “should” know but don’t.

Leave him to it, if the baby is hungry it will cry, if it’s wet it will cry, if it’s bored it will cry. He will learn much quicker being left to it.

rwalker · 30/11/2019 11:03

The thing is you do it day in day out have your routine and it's now second nature to you. He's 10 strides behind you and it can make him less confident .
Think just leave him to it we do things, differently whats the worse that could happen
Have some me time clear off and leave him to it.
There is a danger when someone micro manages you and the the other person say just crack and down tools.

SeditionSue · 30/11/2019 11:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

C8H10N4O2 · 30/11/2019 11:22

Not fun on the receiving end.

Anyone with a clue, motivation and a smidgin of empathy can avoid being on the receiving end.

BlackCatSleeping · 30/11/2019 11:32

But, it's not like he's just been handed a random baby and told to care for it. The baby must be at least 6 months old by now, so surely after 6 months of weekend parenting, he must be vaguely competent at it by now.

Parenting is a tough job because you never get a break. Wiping arses and feeding are not difficult. It's the relentlessness of it and the lack of sleep that gets you. He needs to step up and give his wife a break.

pinkyredrose · 30/11/2019 11:54

he hasn't got a clue of what is going on with them, they're lucky if he can even remember how old and what grade in school they are in

That is beyond awful. What's his excuse, did he not really want kids/ did he want boys etc, what is it?

BrendasUmbrella · 30/11/2019 12:35

"It must be so annoying to have someone nitpicking at you when you're just trying look after your kid."

OP - "I'm not telling him anything!"

"And that's why he has to ask, he's not a mindreader!"

Good job as usual Mumsnet. There's always an angle to make the mother the wrong one in the situation, you just have to keep trying to find it!

SleepingStandingUp · 30/11/2019 12:43

@SunniDay it shouldn't be difficult to know what the basics are 6 MONTHS down the line. And I wouldn't describe having a baby as the hardest job in the world when I've handed mine over countless times to doctors and nurses who have held his life and his insides in their hand. This isn't a brand new Dad who has never been alone with a baby. He's had at least 6 months to know a wet screaming baby who hasn't had any food probably needs a limited list of things done to it to stop it screaming

SleepingStandingUp · 30/11/2019 12:45

he hasn't got a clue of what is going on with them, they're lucky if he can even remember how old and what grade in school they are in I'm so sorry their father is so useless and disinterested. It isn't be ause of his penis, its a lifestyle choice

rebecca102 · 30/11/2019 12:50

My partner once gave our then 1 year old pizza for breakfast cause he 'didn't know what to give her' ...we had everything in the cupboard she usually eats for breakfast which he sees me give her most mornings. Honestly I think it comes down to laziness.