To think I'm a nightmare wife?

[SundayGirlB]

At home currently on maternity leave. Look forward to the weekends all week where DH is home and can help out and we can do stuff as a family. Then the weekend gets here and for the first half of Saturday he really annoys me. Things that annoy me:

• having to coach him in the basics of baby care i.e. the baby has porridge on his face. Clean his face. The baby has a wet baby grow, change baby. What can he eat? Oh just the array of pre prepared meals in the freezer. JUST PICK ONE.

• remind him of baby schedule. The baby has been awake for over 2 hours and is grouchy. He needs a nap. It's morning and the baby hasn't had his breakfast, feed the baby etc etc.

It is supposed to be the time he takes the lead but it ain't happening. He barely sees the baby in the week so I shouldn't blame him. He is also very very helpful round the house.

I feel like some 1950s housewife all possessive over my domestic sphere. Please help me get a grip and be nice to my increasingly sheepish husband.

Write up a rough guide of the daily routine.

Make plans for yourself on Sat mornings, blow dry, walk, coffee etc

Encourage , don’t criticize and he’ll get there.

Just bloody do it right then I won’t need to nag

But what's "right"? The way you do it? The way the mother main carer does it is just 1 way. There are many many other ways and if the mother main carer would release some of the control they'd find themselves less worked up.

OP, tell your husband he doesn't need to check everything with you. That you trust he won't "break" the baby!! And then when he is doing stuff with him don't hover. Don't intervene. Don't tell him to do something different or in a specific way. Leave him to it. He might not be going things "right", but he's unlikely to be doing anything wrong.

Just go to bed, have a rest and put on the sign, " do not disturb."
I found it hard to see my dh not doing things the way I wanted to be done, but he is not me. And if you micro manage at this stage, it will have an effect in the future. Let him get on with it as long as he isn't hurting the baby.

But, how hard is it to learn to be fair? I've done it twice and it's common bloody sense, If it wasn't, none of us would be able to do it. Me and my wife shared the childcare and I learnt sodding quickly.

People learn differently and at different paces. Also, confidence comes into play and it doesn't sound as though the OP's DH has built his confidence yet. That's probably because she hasn't gone out and left him to it.

Also, the OP may find a shift in future and her DH could be much better at dealing with the toddler stage for example.

@TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre

Very true. I can remember my wife watching me change my eldests nappy (he's 17 now, so it's a while ago) and she said to me "you don't do it like that".

My response was pretty much, bugger off, I don't tell you how to do it and this is the way I do it. The end result was the same, clean and dry and sorted out.

Imagine if on a Saturday instead of your husband trying to help with baby and give you a rest that you swapped roles. Him having baby and you in the office/garage/factory whatever. Would you know what to do? Would it be second nature or would you want someone to give you some kind and patient guidance? I know it's not exactly the same thing but the idea might help you to foster a little empathy for your husband.

Yes go out.

I would say that some things here are reasonable things not to know if he's not involved with day-to-day care of the baby (which freezer meal he should have, how long between naps). Other things are fairly bloody obvious to anyone with two brain cells to bang together (baby has wet clothes = change baby, it is morning = give baby breakfast). I would cut him a bit of slack with the first lot but the second would be driving me bonkers by now.

I like the way you're getting simultaneously hammered her for standing over him and bossing him around, and also for not telling him what to do so the poor man is completely clueless! Yes it's all YOUR fault don't you know, can't expect men to know to change a baby

Thanks, @SundayGirlB - I think as long as you work well together, you’ll get by. I know not to stack the dishwasher, DP knows not to do anything with paperwork. Play to your strengths, and to use a popular expression here, pick your battles/moments.

I also agree with Worra about confidence; in my experience, it takes time to build, and can be fragile early on.

Can I also make the point, and it’s not a criticism, but he’s asking you things, you’re asking us things. We all learn from and support each other. We’re all a team.

Good luck with everything.

I get it, I have friends who are very similar.

My way of dealing with weekends was very different.
I’d let schedules and routine go out of the window.
It’s be more like a little holiday I could look forward to each week where for two days there were no rules.
Really did no harm to baby and he was straight back to routines again on Monday without problem

Men often really can’t win in this scenario. Mum wants rest but still wants to control how things are done and in what order. Dad actively trying to achieve this has requirement to ask questions to try to get things right and it’s “why cant you just think for yourself, FFS,” etc.

Not fun on the receiving end.

@Gentleness yes it's the mental load that puts me on edge I think.

@Auradal he helps with housework but he leaves for work when baby is waking up and baby is usually asleep when he gets home. He might settle him for 10 mins if he wakes but that's about it. Not his fault there.

What you are describing isn’t normal. DH was perfectly capable of feeding the DC’s, buying their clothes, organising their schedules whilst holding down a ft job - he was no different from me. His routine each Sunday (my day for a lie in) was to get them up, dressed and take them to the local deli for breakfast- they all loved it. Leave him along to make decisions about care of his DC’s. He is their father and doesn’t need parenting instructions.

I think people are being a bit unfair to the OP. For God's sake if the child has a dirty face the father should be able to work out it needs a wipe. (It being the face). If the baby grow is wet it shouldn't take the mum to say baby needs a new baby grow.
Mum can't win. She says nothing, child remains wet. She mentions it and husband is huffy. She does it herself and she's a Martyr/doesn't get any down time

I don't think the things the OP is listing are micromanaging though.

Micromanaging is things like getting annoyed because he used a towel to wipe the baby's face not a muslin.

Most of these things are just common sense things like not leaving the baby wet or dirty. That's pretty basic baby care.

I agree with going out for a few hours and letting him figure stuff out. And don't answer his texts while you're gone either.

Men often really can’t win in this scenario.

I know, right? If you ignore the baby's wet clothes, its mother complains. If you go and ask the mother what to do about the baby's wet clothes, she complains. Whatever other option could he possibly pursue here?

personally i think you're better off telling him off, I'm guessing he knows how babies work and just isn't applying common sense, you didn't make the child on you're own and from what i've read he knows how to work at his job so why can't he fathom looking after his own child instead of expecting you who has just started martenity leave when you need rest the most, my guess is if he can look after himself which i'm guessing he does know how then he can apply that to the child, if single fathers can do it i'm sure he can.

Did he notice the baby was wet and ignore it completely?

The porridge on the face is a non issue for me. I'm sure he would've wiped it eventually, just not at the exact time the OP would have.

@53rdWay or you see the wet clothes and change them?! Why would you need to ask?! Would you like to be sat in wet clothes?

See posts like this make me think I'm not being unreasonable.

You've probably become a pro without really realising, and because your husband is at work all week he hasn't had as much chance as you to come into his own yet, so you need to back off a little and allow him to learn how to be a parent.

I'm the same as you, currently on maternity and husband works full time, on his days off he gets up whit my daughter and I stay in bed for a bit (it's amazing) I know the routine I stick to isn't followed to the letter, but it allows him some quality time with her and me a little bit of extra sleep, so everyone wins!!

You say he asks, could it be in the politest possible way they you're hovering and making him nervous? (Not intentionally at all of guess) leave the room or stay in bed, out your phone on silent and if he asks questions, just say something along the lines of 'you do what you think, I trust you to make the right decision'

“I know, right? If you ignore the baby's wet clothes, its mother complains. If you go and ask the mother what to do about the baby's wet clothes, she complains. Whatever other option could he possibly pursue here?”

You understand what I mean but are pretending not to. Why is that?

Picture an alternative scenario. Dad is in bed. Comes downstairs to a fairly normal scene. Mum is rushing about dealing with the kids. One has some porridge on his face, one has a wet babygro.

Does he assume she’s incompetent and start commenting, criticising and issuing instructions. Perhaps that’s not a good idea. Maybe he just assumes these things will be dealt with shortly and begins to help.

Would that be an appropriate response?

You do sound a bit nightmarish. If you have just the one baby and he still feels a bit useless, just tell him what needs doing until he gets more expert

I think you’re being hard on him. Put yourself in his shoes- if you were working mon to fri, cracking on with housework and then needing to switch to a totally different type of work at the weekend, which is new to you and you’re keen to get right, but the person doing that job all week is huffy about you needing help and sits in another room waiting for you to what’s app your queries..... well, I wouldn’t like it.

So he’s not the perfect parent (in your eyes), I’m not a perfect parent either, and it’s likely you’re not- you just don’t have someone ‘better’ hanging about critiquing your efforts.

You understand what I mean but are pretending not to. Why is that?

I understand that you would much rather make this an issue of a nagging micromanaging harpy wife, rather than saying "yeah, he really should be able to change a wet babygro without whatsapping his partner for advice." Why is that?

Whatever other option could he possibly pursue here?

Yes, exactly, it's definitely a tough one. I suppose there isn't a wardrobe or chest of drawers in the baby's room full of clean baby clothes. And, even if there was, how would you know what kind of clothes to put the baby in? I mean, you could put them in similar clothes to the clothes the baby was wearing, but how would you know if that was right or not? And then what? Put the dirty clothes in the laundry basket? No, it's all too much. Poor men! How could they possibly know?