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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'm a nightmare wife?

123 replies

SundayGirlB · 30/11/2019 09:21

At home currently on maternity leave. Look forward to the weekends all week where DH is home and can help out and we can do stuff as a family. Then the weekend gets here and for the first half of Saturday he really annoys me. Things that annoy me:

  • having to coach him in the basics of baby care i.e. the baby has porridge on his face. Clean his face. The baby has a wet baby grow, change baby. What can he eat? Oh just the array of pre prepared meals in the freezer. JUST PICK ONE.
  • remind him of baby schedule. The baby has been awake for over 2 hours and is grouchy. He needs a nap. It's morning and the baby hasn't had his breakfast, feed the baby etc etc.

It is supposed to be the time he takes the lead but it ain't happening. He barely sees the baby in the week so I shouldn't blame him. He is also very very helpful round the house.

I feel like some 1950s housewife all possessive over my domestic sphere. Please help me get a grip and be nice to my increasingly sheepish husband.

OP posts:
Original poster
SundayGirlB · 30/11/2019 09:47

I'm not telling him anything - he asks! This is my internal monoluge or a response to HIS questions. I take myself off to another room but the whatsapps ping.

Just get on with it man!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 30/11/2019 09:48

No-one is 'wired' so differently that they know so little about their own teenage kids.

They just haven't taken enough interest in them.

Original poster
SundayGirlB · 30/11/2019 09:48

I need to leave the house. I can only really go for a few hours as he is a just weaning ebf baby.

OP posts:
CripsSandwiches · 30/11/2019 09:49

I get you OP but I think you might be shooting yourself in the foot here. Assuming DH doesn't have severe learning disabilities he is more than capable of working all this out for himself. Having you hovering over him is probably chipping away at his confidence. If DH is feeding the baby go and have a bath - he's got it covered. If DH puts the baby to bed a little later than normal the world won't end. Go and have a day out somewhere Christmas shopping leave the baby with DH and tell him you have every confidence he has it covered.

When my first was little I definitely made the mistake of micromanaging DH with him. I was with DC every day so naturally was more experienced with it but I had to let DH find his own way of doing things (not necessarily the same way as me).

WorraLiberty · 30/11/2019 09:49

So you're not happy that he doesn't know the baby's routine and you're also unhappy when he asks questions?

Blimey

Gatehouse77 · 30/11/2019 09:50

I'm not telling him anything

Maybe that’s why he’s asking?
What is obvious to you might not be so obvious to him.

LemonScentedStickyBat · 30/11/2019 09:50

“ it doing things the way you want to” - um no, not if it’s leaving the baby dirty and unchanged. That’s known as not doing things at all. It only takes common sense. I get asking about what to take out of the freezer, and not knowing the best time for a nap, that’s fair enough so a nudge might be needed but not wiping their face is just daft.

NannyPear · 30/11/2019 09:50

Extremely familiar. One thing DH has never been able to grasp is that the kids need fed. He always takes the baby (DS2) in the morning at the weekends so I get an hour or so lie in. This morning when I got up he still hadn't fed DS2. The same thing happened for MONTHS when DS1 was little; it just never crosses his mind to. I think it's because I ebf both of them so he is just stuck on me being the feeder. Which I know sounds utterly ridiculous.

VanGoghsDog · 30/11/2019 09:50

Turn off the WiFi.....

ohwheniknow · 30/11/2019 09:51

Unless he employed you as his housekeeper then he's not "helping" round the house, he's pulling his weight (or not).

Ignore the questioning. He is at best being lazy, at worst trying to drive you so mad you give up and do it all yourself.

Original poster
SundayGirlB · 30/11/2019 09:51

@WorraLiberty weve discussed the routine. It isn't set in stone and it's the same every weekend.

But I do need to chill a bit. I'll practise backing off.

OP posts:
isabellerossignol · 30/11/2019 09:52

As long as he's not doing anything that will actually harm the baby then leave him to it. He'll work it out, just like every new mother has to when she is handed her baby for the first time.

WarmSausageTea · 30/11/2019 09:52

I think I’m like your husband. As a slightly disorganised man (I get things done, but not necessarily in the most time or energy efficient way), I’d say you’re not a nightmare, so long as you’re not horrible in the way you point out what needs doing - which it doesn’t sound like you are.

DP has a habit of pointing out when things could be done better; sometimes it’s worth pointing out (rescuing a lumpy sauce, say), but sometimes it isn’t (moving laundry around the airer, which drives me spare), so I’d say try not to sweat the small stuff, and be supportive with the bigger stuff. Of course, you shouldn’t have to keep repeating yourself; as much as I’d hate to be told something four times, I’d hope that I’d cotton on first time.

And congratulations! Flowers

BlackSwanGreen · 30/11/2019 09:54

Sounds like a bit of both here? Maybe you're expecting him to know things that seem so obvious to you but genuinely aren't to him, but he does also sound a bit useless.

Stay patient. He'll learn. Keep giving brief answers each time "grab any one from the freezer" etc and surely he'll get the hang of it.

I think the nap schedule thing is harder as it changes over time. Maybe a piece of paper on the fridge with a short outline of the current pattern would help?

MrsBricks · 30/11/2019 09:57

If he's weaning he can have a cup/bottle of formula.

Leave your DH a brief schedule/a few suggestions and go out. Tell him only to contact you in an emergency.

Original poster
SundayGirlB · 30/11/2019 09:57

@WarmSausageTea yes that sounds a bit like me. Good advice. He seems to want the guidance but actually, a bitnof porridge on his face isn't the end of the world.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 30/11/2019 09:58

The thing is OP, the routine the baby's in now will have taken you long enough to learn but because it happened fairly quickly and naturally (due to the amount of time you spend with the baby), you probably don't realise that.

Apart from the wet baby grow (if it was obvious) it sounds like he's doing his best to learn things on his two days off.

TheVanguardSix · 30/11/2019 10:00

Yes, you need to chill.
Yes, he needs to just get it together and be more proactive.
This is your first baby?
You're both learning. Go easy. He has never done this before. Neither have you. Go easy on each other and give each other rope.
I was totally like you whenever I had babies. Just totally the one at the helm of the Starship Enterprise. Part of it is our way of exerting some control over this pint-sized dictator who's come in and flipped our lives upside down. It's all about the baby's schedule and as important as it is to live by that, it's also bloody constricting and a bit mind-numbing and stressful. Not always, but it can be. It is what it is. And you'll both find a mutual rhythm. He is not useless. I hate when people say that. He may not be as clued in, but if he's working hard and trying, asking questions, and making an effort, he's learning. It would be great if he could be more intuitive, but one day, he will be.
Go easy. Cut each other some slack. And maybe, just maybe, let go a bit. Some stuff you've just got to let slide.

Gentleness · 30/11/2019 10:03

I know it's only part of your original post, but the questions rang a bell with me. It is tricky getting the balance between leaving him to it and micro managing when you get a slew of questions. It drives me mad because I think I've got 10 minutes to switch off and then he pops his head in to ask, "For freezer veg should I do peas or beans?"... I got very snappy and distant over it and it became a symbol of the mental load that separated us.

Our solution was my responsibility too, ironically. I started saying, "I'm not telling you," or "I don't know," or, "I'd have to work that out myself." Or even, "You're an intelligent man!" It's made a difference, slowly. Now he puts his head through the door, gets ready to speak and then disappears again!

IrregularCommentary · 30/11/2019 10:05

DH found this age hard. We'd always been very equal and equally capable. All of a sudden, the most important job we had, I had about 85% more experience in and he was worried about doing things wrong/ making life harder for everyone. Also ebf, so I naturally took the lead with feeding.

Just have patience and give him time. Doesn't sound like he's trying to duck out of responsibility or anything. As long as the baby is safe, it's really not important if things are done differently.

Dd is now 3. Dh is just as, if not more capable with her as I am and it's lovely. Plus, we both get free time as and when we need it.

MarthasGinYard · 30/11/2019 10:07

Go out

That's exactly what I did

reginafelangee · 30/11/2019 10:08

He's not going to take the lead if you are standing over him critiquing his every move.

You need to let him get in with it. Like others suggest go out.

And if you are in let him do it his way. Even if it's not as good as your way.

TheBlueStocking · 30/11/2019 10:11

Arrange to do something out of the house every Saturday morning and leave him to it.

Auradal · 30/11/2019 10:12

Why is he not doing anything during the week? He should be doing his share in the evenings and before he goes to work. That way he'd be more familiar with the rules.

You really need to leave the house for a couple of hours and do something you enjoy. Let him get on with it on his own for a bit.
Stop micromanaging him.

PhilCornwall1 · 30/11/2019 10:13

Just go out, he'll sink or swim. Actually he'll have to learn to swim rapidly, as the child will rely on him.

But, how hard is it to learn to be fair? I've done it twice and it's common bloody sense, If it wasn't, none of us would be able to do it. Me and my wife shared the childcare and I learnt sodding quickly.

I've been shat on and piddled on and you learn to deal with it. Still wouldn't be able to get my head around being puked on Envy