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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How do I make it nicely clear that I'm choosing my own dress?

81 replies

FluffySocksAndMarshmallows · 29/11/2019 13:34

I am going wedding dress shopping in a few hours, with fiancé's mum and my best friend. To be honest, I'd rather gauge my own eyes out, but I've left it late enough that people are panicking and I have to go, I've exhausted other options. I'd have much rather gone by myself, but so far I've done much of the planning just with my fiancé and this was something his mum and my friend were really keen to be part of. I didn't want to upset them.

They've been sending me dresses they like all week. Me and fiancé have been laughing about them because honestly, they are the least me dresses ever. To try and direct them a bit, I sent them a few I liked back... future MIL was nice but generally isn't a fan of the dresses I like, best friend is steadfastly ignoring them with comments like "You'll choose something else when you see them", "You need something everyone will like."

I don't want to upset anyone but I also don't want to be railroaded into trying on dresses that I don't like and won't buy, because god I don't want to have to go again after today. If I could, I'd cancel the whole thing. I'm on quite heavy MH medication right now, which nobody but my fiancé knows about, so I keep tearing up and getting worried about silly things. Any tips on managing this?

OP posts:

Confrontayshunme · 29/11/2019 13:38

Go, try on two dresses they like, two the saleslady likes (they sometimes have great taste) and three or four you like. Then, say "I need to sleep on it. This is such a big decision and I have a lot to think about". Then, go home and call the shop and orddr the one you want.

SallyLovesCheese · 29/11/2019 13:42

Hopefully they won't be in the same room as you're actually putting them on, so it'll give you a few moments before you show each dress to them to have a think as to how much you like it. Then have a phrase in mind to just keep repeating, so "I don't like the shape of this one" or "I prefer a sweetheart neckline" or whatever. If that makes sense? A minute while the shop assistant does it up to gather your thoughts and be firm in your own mind.

When you put on the dress you really like there's a chance you'll know straightaway (I did), so then you can have a statement ready: "This is the one!"

If you get a chance you could also mention to the shop assistant that you don't want to be railroaded by you're friend and MIL, they might help you be firm then if there's something you don't like.

Good luck and try to enjoy!

SurpriseSparDay · 29/11/2019 13:45

When you say you’ve left it late ... How late? Because you could order a dress (bridal or not) from somewhere like Matches or Net-a-Porter over the weekend and have it by the middle of next week.

I do think the whole wedding shop thing is, if not actually a con, something of an unnecessary hurdle and expense for brides. We all have access to such amazing clothes from all over the world at the click if a button now - which you could try on quietly at home.

I’m sure you feel you must drag yourself through this - but please don’t feel pressurised to buy anything to please anyone else!

AdoreTheBeach · 29/11/2019 13:58

OP
I can’t believe the comment from your friend - choosing a dress everyone would like? Surely it’s meant to be a dress the bride likes. It’s your big day!

Totally agree to have a quiet word with the salesperson to let them in on your desire not to be railroaded. Great advice about telling them that you need to think about it. Then either Call back and order the dress you like, or visit the shop again without the others and order what you like.

When asked later what you have done about the dress, let your friend and future MIL know that you chose the dress that you like and they’ll just need to be surprised on the day (like everyone else).

Fr0g · 29/11/2019 14:03

@SallyLovesCheese - surely the phrase to go for to stump them all is "have you got this one in black?"

messolini9 · 29/11/2019 14:04

"You need something everyone will like."

Ha ha ha ha ha!
Controlling, much? She means "I want you to choose what I want."

You don't "need" to do anything other than get thru' Dress Day with the minimum fuss, make sure you choose what YOU want, & look after your MH.

@Confrontayshunme's solution is perfect.
Good luck!

Pukkatea · 29/11/2019 14:04

Honestly, I think be firm. If they send a pic you don't like, say you don't like it. If she repeats that stupid thing about picking a dress everyone will like, tell her that what's important is what you like. And if they continue, consider why you are involving people who apparently don't know you very well at all so closely in your wedding. They are being extremely rude, don't tiptoe around that.

Notonthestairs · 29/11/2019 14:06

They've had their chance to choose their own wedding dresses.

Plan, decide and then ignore their input. It worked for me!

amusedbush · 29/11/2019 14:07

I've left it late

I bought my dress from ASOS's bridal range three weeks before the day, and I even used a discount code

Don't be bullied into anything.

SexIsAProtectedCharacteristic · 29/11/2019 14:07

Yes @Confrontayshunme this is a good plan.

And OP it's ok not to like anything on offer in the shop and go somewhere else alone. I bought my dress on my own as did my best friend when she got hers, just high street not a fancy bridal shop.

Try not to worry to much about it.

Di11y · 29/11/2019 14:09

show the assistant pics of the dresses you like and explain what you like about them. she'll want to make a sale so will do her best to find something you like.

DaisyDreaming · 29/11/2019 14:09

Hopefully once they see you feeling happy with a dress then they will be happy. I always think the nicest dresses are the ones the brides are happy and comfortable in

billy1966 · 29/11/2019 14:12

You are the ONLY one who needs to like your dress.

Very very strange comment from your friend.

Definitely take an overnight to think about the dress, and order the one YOU would like.
💐

CleverQuacks · 29/11/2019 14:13

Definitely go with what you like! The most important thing is that you feel beautiful and comfortable on your big day and that won’t happen if you are pushed into choosing the wrong dress.

That being said don’t be to set on the dress until you have tried a few. I would never have picked my wedding dress but the shop assistant suggested it. I tried it on and just knew it was “the one”.

reluctantbrit · 29/11/2019 14:15

Could you go to the shop in advance and talk to them? Maybe do a pre-selection and ask the sales ladies to back you up?

They have seen any drama imaginable and want to have a happy bride.

Grumpelstilskin · 29/11/2019 14:16

A wedding dress is all and only about the bride! Your friend sounds really manipulative and overbearing actually. Hope she isn't normally like that because I would otherwise evaluate your friendship.

Bunney2020 · 29/11/2019 14:16

@amusedbush ASOS dress here too. Had a few sneery comments but my dress fit, is light and comfy and really suits me in no way any proper dress did. And if cost £100 not the £1500+ tags of most.

PPs have some good advise. The assistants do help and will guide you into what works for your body shape / colouring etc, then pick out a couple you like and a couple they like. Make sure you express how you feel but don’t make a decision there and then. And don’t let them pressure you until a dress you don’t want! I would also mention to the sales people the situation they’re understanding and will have dealt with this loads before

tabulahrasa · 29/11/2019 14:19

You totally don’t need a dress everyone will like... besides, that doesn’t even exist, people like differeht things.

I would recommend trying on a few different styles though, people do sometimes end up preferring something they wouldn’t have thought to try on.

FizzyGreenWater · 29/11/2019 14:19

Is this really a good idea? To be very blunt, if your supposed best friend feels she can say to you 'You need something everyone will like' and ignore your ideas, then she is more bully than friend and you are going to end up upset OR railroaded. If you don't have it in you to reply 'No I don't, it's my wedding and the only person who has to like my dress is ME!' then you don't have a hope.

Your best bet is to let them dress you up, try not to get too upset, say you need to sleep on it, then go back and do it on your own and buy the dress you want. Then hide from them.

NoWittyNamesAvailable · 29/11/2019 14:23

I'd try a couple on they like, you never know how you will feel in them.

When i went dress shopping i completely bypassed the dress i ended up buying, i hate the look of it. All the dresses i liked the style if didn't quite look right (although lovely). My sister and best friend went and brought back the dress i didn't like, they convinced me to try it on and i refused to take it back off! I loved it once it was on, it was everything i didn't want but once i had it on i actually started to cry (i'm blaming pregnancy hormones). Don't rule anything out but definitely only buy a dress that you love.

FizzyGreenWater · 29/11/2019 14:23

Oh and you can't make it 'nicely clear' because you have, nicely, and they've ignored you. Because they want their own way!

If they wanted to help you get a dress you liked, which is the supposed point of the trip, they would have seized on the links you sent, brilliant, this is your taste, let's see what they have like this in the shop. Noope!

They want to push you into getting a dress they like. Because they are pushy and bossy.

Honestly, be ill and cancel if you can possibly bear it and GO ALONE in a day or two. Really.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 29/11/2019 14:24

You seem very worried about "upsetting" people. These two are constantly telling you want to do and what you should wear. They are "upsetting" you.
There is no reasonable excuse in anyone's book for getting "upset" because a bride wants to choose her own dress. This is nonsense and if they try it out on you it is nothing to do with you upsetting them and everything to do with you standing up for yourself and refusing to carryout their wishes. Well tough. Your friend sounds ultra bossy BTW. Is she always like this? Has she chosen your bridesmaids too?
It is quite unusual for the future MIL to choose a bride's dress. Its more the sort of thing people from the bride's side do. Stick to your guns.. if you have to smile and wave and go back and order the one you want. They have NO say in it.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 29/11/2019 14:26

You need something everyone will like

No no, you need something YOU will like. Nobody else matters and they should be grateful that you're even giving them an opinion.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 29/11/2019 14:26

I'd indulge them
Try on everything, let them take photos and coo. Drink will help.
Go home and order what you want from where you want and tell them "the turnaround was too long"

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 29/11/2019 14:30

Just saw the thing about MH and wellbeing. I would totally change your mindset re this trip. This is not to buy your wedding dress, it's to dick about and let them do the wedding dress thing. They are hopefully trying to be sweet even they are actually being overbearing. You don't need their approval. Also I'd tell them you'll try them on but you will decide later (please can they take photos to help you remember) and that it is going to be a surprise for everyone.

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