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Original poster

How do I make it nicely clear that I'm choosing my own dress?

81 replies

FluffySocksAndMarshmallows · 29/11/2019 13:34

I am going wedding dress shopping in a few hours, with fiancé's mum and my best friend. To be honest, I'd rather gauge my own eyes out, but I've left it late enough that people are panicking and I have to go, I've exhausted other options. I'd have much rather gone by myself, but so far I've done much of the planning just with my fiancé and this was something his mum and my friend were really keen to be part of. I didn't want to upset them.

They've been sending me dresses they like all week. Me and fiancé have been laughing about them because honestly, they are the least me dresses ever. To try and direct them a bit, I sent them a few I liked back... future MIL was nice but generally isn't a fan of the dresses I like, best friend is steadfastly ignoring them with comments like "You'll choose something else when you see them", "You need something everyone will like."

I don't want to upset anyone but I also don't want to be railroaded into trying on dresses that I don't like and won't buy, because god I don't want to have to go again after today. If I could, I'd cancel the whole thing. I'm on quite heavy MH medication right now, which nobody but my fiancé knows about, so I keep tearing up and getting worried about silly things. Any tips on managing this?

OP posts:
ffswhatnext · 29/11/2019 14:33

Is your mate thinking that you are going on Four Brides or whatever it's called?
Has a bride as ever looked at herself in the mirror and said well I love it, it looks gorgeous, I feel so comfy in it, but nope put it back cos no-one will like it?

If you have to remind them of this if you can. If not, as suggested tell them you will sleep on it.

Even if you all had the same taste, I still wouldn't choose there and then as you never know if someone is going to put it on SM.

ButtonMoonLoon · 29/11/2019 14:34

I would do one of the following-

  1. Speak to your best friend, tell her how you’re feeling and get her ‘ on side’ to support you.
  1. Cancel. Tell them you have a migraine/ bug/that your leg has fallen off. Then make another time to take someone with you who will truly be what you need and want. Or go alone.
ItsJustTheOneSwanActually · 29/11/2019 14:36

When i was dress shopping I remember being in the fitting rooms with a girl who was in tears because her overbearing mother kept trying to choose dresses for her that she hated.

We all told her to be firm and choose one she loved - the sales assistants were very much on the Bride's side. They must deal with this shit all the time.

TheWernethWife · 29/11/2019 14:39

This is like "Say yes to the dress Atlanta" where the bride brings a load of opinionated people, her choices get overruled and then leaves without a dress. Totally deflated and very upset.

Its not them wearing the dress so tell them to do one.

ThatsMeInTheSpotlight · 29/11/2019 14:59

Try on lots (but not so many that you feel overwhelmed). A PP's suggestion of 2 they like, 2 the shop suggest and 3 or 4 you choose, is a good one. Definitely say you're not deciding today. Take pics of the dresses. Go home. Then decide.

Try to think of it that today is for dressing up and even wearing dresses that you wouldn't normally consider. Reframe it as fun. It doesn't have to have any impact on what you eventually choose. You can always go out again on your own. This is ticking the box of involving your MIL and bf.

Time40 · 29/11/2019 15:10

I would totally change your mindset re this trip. This is not to buy your wedding dress, it's to dick about and let them do the wedding dress thing

Exactly. Relax and just see it as messing about and keeping them happy, OP.

recycledbottle · 29/11/2019 15:13

Try on lots and pick the one you want (if you see it), if they don't like it just leave and come back the next day/ring the shop and order it. If you try and buy one they don't like they will just go on at you and it won't be worth it. They might have some useful tips/opinions on the day. You never know.

Derbee · 29/11/2019 15:27

Choose the dress you want.

But if you can, be a bit open minded about dresses to try on. Often dresses that people love are ones that they didn’t like the look of on the rack.

I’m sure your friend and MIL are just excited, but put yourself and your MH first.

AaandBreathe · 29/11/2019 15:27

Try on the most hideous dress there is that you know they will hate.
Gush about how you love it.
Then be "persuaded" to get the one that you like.

RainingFrogsAndHats · 29/11/2019 15:28

I find the goodwill on this thread very heartwarming.

Good luck, OP, and hope you get something fabulous

Derbee · 29/11/2019 15:29

Also, don’t put any pressure on yourself to choose a dress whilst you’re shopping. Even if you just play around trying on dresses, you’ll start to get an idea of what you’d like, and can order easily online if you don’t feel up to going again.

Go with NO pressure to find a dress or like the same dress as anyone else

BreatheAndFocus · 29/11/2019 15:29

If I could, I'd cancel the whole thing

Then why don’t you? Seriously, no-one needs this stress before a wedding. You’re choosing a dress not hosting a doll-dressing outing for MIL and your friend.

Say you’re ill then go yourself and choose in peace. Or say you’ve ordered one online and you’re keeping it a surprise till the big day.

I know the feeling of not wanting to upset people. It’s not done me any favours and the people you please are rarely grateful. Think about what you want.

Krisskrosskiss · 29/11/2019 15:31

I agree with pp saying just appease them when you are there saying 'oh yes very nice' but say you arent going to buy anything there and then, it's just a fact finding mission for inspiration then you are going to go and sleep on ot. Take some photos of the things they like etc and selfies of the three of you etc

Then a few days later just go on your own and pick the dress you like and buy it.

WhyOhWine · 29/11/2019 15:34

I think i would indulge them a tiny bit as they are excited and let them choose one dress each for you to try on in addition to what you want to try - it wont take that long to try 2 extra dresses. I would though say to them that it would be nice if they bear in mind what they know about your taste as well as their own, particularly if they want to have a chance of their choice winning!

thecatsthecats · 29/11/2019 15:34

I only went with one friend, who I knew would relentlessly cheerlead for what I wanted.

And she was fantastic. She said that the bigger the skirt, the happier I looked, and just went for it. It was totally different to her dress, and she didn't care a fig.

I didn't bother with people who would spoil it for me.

Cuppachino · 29/11/2019 15:37

"You'll choose something else when you see them", "You need something everyone will like."

What on earth has it got to do with anyone else what dress you want/like/buy? Your friend is bonkers and needs to back off.

piercedmyfootonaspike · 29/11/2019 15:38

Why stress yourself out unnecessarily? I would just cancel or be honest with your friend. You could go by yourself or if you don't fancy the whole wedding shop thing (I didn't) then order some online and try on at home. I wore a 80 quid "non-wedding" wedding dress from Debenhams and it was the best decision I made. I can't remember any details about my friends' dresses (other than they were white and ridiculously expensive) but everyone remembers mine! Read into that as you will Grin

CoolCarrie · 29/11/2019 15:38

I didn’t try on any other dresses, just the one my best mate had seen in the shop window, she went in, got the assistant to put it aside, she called me about it, and we went with my mum to have a look, it was prefect for me, and I am always grateful to my mate for that.

Don’t be bullied, just try on 3 or 4 that catch your eye, and take your time. As pp have said the assistants will help you, they want you to be happy, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, you’re the bride.

KatherineJaneway · 29/11/2019 15:39

"You need something everyone will like."

Confused
stucknoue · 29/11/2019 15:40

You do need to try on some, something you don't think you will like might really suit you and vice versa.

Bluerussian · 29/11/2019 15:52

Go shopping for your dress on your own! It's your dress after all.

I remember I went with my mum but I had already almost made my mind up, used to drive past a big store in Bromley that had beautiful dresses in the window in the colour that I wanted and when we went into the store, I picked a couple of different styles out of which I chose one. My mum loved it (though, typically, wished I'd chosen white but I wanted pale blue and it was gorgeous).

The store (which no longer exists unfortunately) would have altered to my taste but the dress was a perfect fit and style for me.

Remember it is you who is going to wear the dress and must be your choice.

Instatwat · 29/11/2019 15:53

How did it go, OP?

FinnBalorsAbs · 29/11/2019 15:55

I went wedding dress shopping with my mum and sister feeling pretty much the same. I figured I'd try on some ridiculous dresses they picked, drink some cava and then politely decline to buy anything and pick up a dress in Monsoon instead.

In the end I fell in love with a dress much to my surprise.

Go in with low expectations and don't be pressured. You might be surprised, but if not it's not the end of the world.

The thing about you needing to wear a dress everybody likes is total bollocks though. Pick something you're comfortable in. At a push something you think your fiance thinks you're particularly hot in. Sod everyone else ;)

mummmy2017 · 29/11/2019 15:58

Any luck?
My DD fell in love with a dress, most brides do, and nothing stopped her having that one.

HyacynthBucket · 29/11/2019 16:02

I am sensing that there might be a cultural issue here, clues being that you need to get a dress everyone will like, and that you have agreed to go shopping for it with future MIL and SIl. I have heard these kinds of phrases before, from a friend who is always under pressure from family, in particular the need to "keep everyone happy". Is that really want you want? Its your wedding, not theirs, and you get to choose the dress without their input if you don't want it. Am wondering if there is an issue of this kind that is causing a conflict for you.