How do I make it nicely clear that I'm choosing my own dress?

[FluffySocksAndMarshmallows]

I am going wedding dress shopping in a few hours, with fiancé's mum and my best friend. To be honest, I'd rather gauge my own eyes out, but I've left it late enough that people are panicking and I have to go, I've exhausted other options. I'd have much rather gone by myself, but so far I've done much of the planning just with my fiancé and this was something his mum and my friend were really keen to be part of. I didn't want to upset them.

They've been sending me dresses they like all week. Me and fiancé have been laughing about them because honestly, they are the least me dresses ever. To try and direct them a bit, I sent them a few I liked back... future MIL was nice but generally isn't a fan of the dresses I like, best friend is steadfastly ignoring them with comments like "You'll choose something else when you see them", "You need something everyone will like."

I don't want to upset anyone but I also don't want to be railroaded into trying on dresses that I don't like and won't buy, because god I don't want to have to go again after today. If I could, I'd cancel the whole thing. I'm on quite heavy MH medication right now, which nobody but my fiancé knows about, so I keep tearing up and getting worried about silly things. Any tips on managing this?

Absolutely only buy a dress you love; but be prepared to love something unexpected. I thought I wanted a Regency-style dress. That was at the back of my mind with all the frocks I tried on - the crepe ones (too droopy and such an unforgiving fabric if you're not wand-slim), the crinoline ones (too scaffoldy), the tapestry-bodice one (too much like a stuffed horsehair sofa). I tried on one last one as a joke. It had feathers , FFS. Who on earth would wear that?

I saw it in the mirror and said "oh."
My sister said "ooooooooooh".
My mum burst into tears.

I bought the dress.

Explain your problem to the sales assistant, she can guide the appointment in the direction you want.

You could always indulge them with the experience, buy nothing and shop yourself another time.

It’s not compulsory. Nothing in monsoon or high street appealing? You could look online first and no faff ordering it months in advance. If you are near a boundary mill stores they had stunning monsoon dresses £40 each.

You absolutely do not need to choose a dress that they like.

However, I do think it's sensible to try on some dresses which are different from what you think you want, because honestly, none of us wear wedding dresses regularly enough to really know which of them will suit us. So let them pick a couple, definitely listen to the shop assistant's suggestions, and also try the ones you like. And then see.

And if it's too difficult to refuse them today, it is absolutely fine to say you need to sleep on it, then go back on your own to make the final choice.

I would go along without the intention of choosing your dress today (unless something stunning smacks you in the face!) and try on one or two of their suggestions. Um and ah a bit. Take photos and drink champagne without any of the stress of making an actual final decision. Tell them you need some space to think about it and then make another appointment on your own or with someone less pressuring. Don't tell anyone and ta dah on your big day surprise everyone with your choice of dress! Slight shift of mindset will help your stress. I feel for you. Nothing worse than helpful (control freak) suggestions.

You do need to try on some, something you don't think you will like might really suit you and vice versa.

No, no you don't. You don't need to do that or take people or indulge them or try one ones you don't like. You can even buy something online and wear it as long as you think it suits you and you like it because it's your dress and you wearing it, no one else.

Hope you've cancelled.

Just seen that Ihatemyself has suggested the same thing. Apologies for plagerising or is it great minds think alike!

@FluffySocksAndMarshmallows WOW how annoying. Why do they think they have got the right to choose your bloody wedding dress for you?

'You need something everyone will like?' Fuck that.

Seriously, I would cancel this little outing, and tell your fiance to tell them they are NOT bossing you about. Then go on your own next week. Don't 'indulge' them at all. Don't let them think - for a second - that they can call the shots! You'll regret it!

When you are married to this man, things will not get better with his family. Start laying down some ground rules now.

Loving the wraparound support on this thread. All the best to you OP, hope you're doing okay x

If you feel they must come along, then advise them to the effect that "You don't want to push me into buying a dress I'm not keen on. Imagine if I regretted it for ever, wouldn't you feel awful?"

They think they're coming to help you choose, but you don't want/need help. You need to let them know they're coming for company, not help.

Order something online that you suit and DH2B likes.

I’ve never heard of a bride sharing her choice of dress with her fiancé before the wedding! The thought sends a shiver of horrified superstition down my spine ...

Why does buying a big frock need a cast of millions? Surely you're the best arbiter of what's right for you. If I'm shopping I get far more done when I'm alone, I'm not interested in other people's opinions, mine is the only one that counts.

I am sensing that there might be a cultural issue here, clues being that you need to get a dress everyone will like, and that you have agreed to go shopping for it with future MIL and SIL

If it is a 'cultural' thing, such an overused phrase, that MIL and SIL get a say tell them that in your 'culture' the MIL and SIL are not involved. Why is it only 'other cultures' that can dictate, we all have our own cultures.

I am sensing that there might be a cultural issue here, clues being that you need to get a dress everyone will like, and that you have agreed to go shopping for it with future MIL and SIl.

It's not a future SIL, though?

It's the OP's best friend.

In any case, 'cultural issues' (assuming it even is) is often just a smokescreen for enforcing traditional / patriarchal values. And if those aren't the OP's values, she should roundly ignore them.

This trip sounds like it will be hell.

You are already shopping, I suppose.
In any case, if you end up purchasing something you aren't so happy with, just cancel it as soon as you get back home, or go back on your own to try other dresses at your leisure.

I bought mine all by myself and I still love it even though I don't love exH anymore.

If you don't buy anything this time, don't tell them anything, go shopping on your own, then let them go to the fittings or something like that.

I can only offer one piece of advice. Wear pale/nude/white underwear in the style you expect you will be wearing on your big day.

Is this a wedding dress shop op. They will generally be on your side.

Can you see any possible flaw in your advice willowmelangell?

Cant help but recall a recent thread regarding people’s assumptions about the race of their fellow MN posters ...

Try on several dresses, indulge them and try on the ones they like.... also try on the ones you like too. Say you'll sleep on it. Then ring the shop and order the one you like. I'd also go so far as to say, tell your mil etc you've ordered the one they liked (just to shut them up), then wear 'your dress on the day'

Wow, sympathies OP, they sound stressful.

When my best friend was picking a dress she did a little try on with her mum there and picked 3 dresses. We then went along a few days later (I was her MOH) and put them all on. I made pleasant noises but thought none of them were really what she wanted. She put on a hideous one just to appease her sister then her future MIL asked if the shop had one she had seen on their website in stock. When that dress came out I burst into tears and my best friend picked that one. THAT is a friend's role, not to railroad the bride!

Also, unless your wedding is next week I doubt they'll even remember which dress was which and you'll be stunning in whatever you end up wearing.

I find it odd that your future MIL expects to go with you?

went with dd when she shopped for dress - I watched her face & listened to her - funnily enough the dress she fell in love with I loved too - the fun was going with her & taking part

Don’t be a wet wipe. It’s your day, pick what you want ffs