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AIBU?

To go back to work when DC is 4 months?

87 replies

Drowninginmyownsnot · 28/11/2019 12:42

I’m only 14 weeks so I have ages yet and anything could happen and I know I could change my mind about how I feel once DC is here.

This will be DC2. I went back when DC1 was 7 months.

I want to go back to work when DC is 4 months. DH doesn’t agree and says 6 months minimum as he’s worried about SIDS but surely nursery and childminder would be following guidelines anyway?

My main reasons for going back are due to money and career prospects.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Yoohoo16 · 28/11/2019 12:44

I went back when my dd was 3 months. She’s 18 months now and totally unaffected, if anything more easy going than most her age.
I’m pregnant with my second and hoping to take a smidge less leave this time.

Disfordarkchocolate · 28/11/2019 12:44

It was standard when I had my older children. It's really up to you. If your husband is so keen he could take a few months parental leave.

Confusedbeetle · 28/11/2019 12:45

Entirely up to you. I dont think it will be a SIDS risk but you will get plenty of minor infections

misspiggy19 · 28/11/2019 12:45

Far too young in my opinion.

KatharinaRosalie · 28/11/2019 12:56

If DH does not agree, DH can stay home for a couple of months then.

Drowninginmyownsnot · 28/11/2019 12:58

I’d be amazed if DH does take time off. He didn’t want to look at shared parental leave last time and probably won’t this time but I doubt he’s eligible. He’s also rapidly running out of holiday so I’d be amazed if he took time off.

OP posts:
AwkwardFucker · 28/11/2019 12:58

I went back when my youngest was 4 months, was a very unique situation though. It was only a couple of hours a week, my MIL came to my house to look after him, and my house was literally across the road from work, so I could pop in and check on him for a few minutes at any time.

I didn’t need the money, just really liked to get out of the house for a couple of hours.

Do what’s right for you, someone will always have an opinion on your parenting no matter what you do.

BlueGingerale · 28/11/2019 12:59

I went back when mine were 3 months.

It’s your decision not your husbands.

He of course is welcome to take paternity leave.....

nocluewhattodoo · 28/11/2019 13:00

I personally wouldn't chose to do that, but you have to do what is best for you and your family in the long run. If DP doesn't like it he can take a share of the leave once you return to work until DC is 6 months. My DP was at home for a few months while I worked shifts when DD was 18 months old and he loved being a SAHP.

Fatted · 28/11/2019 13:00

You can transfer your mat leave over to your DH can you not to allow him the time off? I'm not sure how this works in reality though.

I went back after six months with both of mine. You do what you need to do and what's best for you. Not everyone is in position to afford extended maternity leave unfortunately.

Myusername101 · 28/11/2019 13:01

I went back when DD was 5 months because I had no choice, I was a single mum and couldn't meet my rent and bills on maternity pay. DD is 2 now and perfectly happy well adjusted little girl.

Livebythecoast · 28/11/2019 13:01

I went back when my DD was 4 months. Maternity leave was different then (15 years ago). However, my Mum and DP juggled looking after DD and I only did 20 hrs a week. She went to nursery when she was 1 year. It depends how much time your DC would spend at nursery/child minder. It's still quite young but obviously it's up to you.
Congratulations on your pregnancy

Areyoufree · 28/11/2019 13:02

I agree that it is your choice, and that if your husband doesn't want your child in a nursery or childminders at that age, then he could look into shared leave.

EcocabbyRickShaw · 28/11/2019 13:04

I also went back when my DD was three months. That'd always been my intention and I went back bang on schedule, albeit only for 4 hours each day. My daughter went to a childminder for those 4 hours, who was frankly much better at looking after a baby than I was, and I started to feel normal again. My daughter is now a strapping, happy and confident sixth former and we have a great relationship.

Do what's right for you and ignore anyone who tries to foist their opinions on you.

orangeteal · 28/11/2019 13:05

Well if he thinks it's too early he can stay off instead? Solved, next Grin

troutknickers · 28/11/2019 13:05

I went back at 3.5 months with dc2, only 8 hours a week and feel no regret. I needed it for my own mental well-being.
Its funny because pre kids I would have heavily judged someone doing the same..

HereBePumpkins · 28/11/2019 13:06

I went back to work when DS2 was 4 months. I worked as an accountant, it was year end and they needed me back in.
It was fine.

user1480880826 · 28/11/2019 13:08

Why don’t you think your husband is eligible for shared parental leave? I thought everyone was eligible. If you want to go back when your baby is 4 months old then it’s entirely up to you. However, small babies are best looked after by a parent so your husband should take some leave to make this possible. You are essentially taking 4 months leave to enable him to keep working so why shouldn’t he return the favour?

ClareMat · 05/12/2019 20:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lycidas · 06/12/2019 11:40

Yes YABU. The first six months are crucial for attachment formation. They need one primary caregiver during that period - it doesn’t matter who. Mum, dad, a nanny. But one person to form a close bond with, to disrupt that process when it really isn’t necessary is folly to me.

TheReluctantCountess · 06/12/2019 11:44

I put my career first and went back to work when ds was four months old. It was a massive mistake, and my relationship with ds suffered, as did my career. I would advise taking time to be with your baby.

IdleBet · 06/12/2019 11:44

Yes YABU. The first six months are crucial for attachment formation. They need one primary caregiver during that period - it doesn’t matter who. Mum, dad, a nanny. But one person to form a close bond with, to disrupt that process when it really isn’t necessary is folly to me.

Bollocks. I went back at 5 months as a single parent having to pay the mortgage, my adult DC is perfectly fine thanks. No affect whatsoever.

Lycidas · 06/12/2019 11:57

@IdleBet

Yes because we should all dismiss research based on our own individual circumstances. Like the 90 year old life long smoker who insists that smoking doesn’t cause lung cancer because he turned out fine.

I will link to the research when I get home.

Tobebythesea · 06/12/2019 12:07

It’s up to you. I have a 4 month old and would love to go back part time about now but cannot get childcare in the nursery we want until he’s 7 months so the decision has been made for me.

I don’t think SIDS is an issue. What is the difference between yourself and a childminder/nursery worker?

As others have said, your DH could and can take parental leave but chooses not to. Why?

Eggies · 06/12/2019 12:08

I second Lycidas . Four months really is tiny. I think when a person decides to bring children into the world it isn't right to expose them to the germs, sids risks, and other problems that will likely come by putting them in nursery so young for the sake of a career. You chose to be a mother so be one.

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