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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go back to work when DC is 4 months?

87 replies

Drowninginmyownsnot · 28/11/2019 12:42

I’m only 14 weeks so I have ages yet and anything could happen and I know I could change my mind about how I feel once DC is here.

This will be DC2. I went back when DC1 was 7 months.

I want to go back to work when DC is 4 months. DH doesn’t agree and says 6 months minimum as he’s worried about SIDS but surely nursery and childminder would be following guidelines anyway?

My main reasons for going back are due to money and career prospects.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
goingtoneedabiggercar · 06/12/2019 12:35

I don't think making a mum feel guilty for her choices is at all helpful, why is this a "you chose to be a mum so be one" issue? Does this baby not have a father? He's just as responsible for this baby being in nursery care. I'll be going back to work earlier than I would really like because money doesn't grow on trees, I'm sure DS would like to keep a roof over his head and for that to happen I have to go back to work, making me feel guilty for that (on top of all the other things there are to feel guilty for as a mother) is just not helping or changing the facts. OP do whatever you have/want to for you and your family.
So long as you've seen the nursery or wherever they will be cared for and you are as happy as you can be with leaving your baby I'm sure they'll be fine. The nursery we've chosen for DS has webcams so that on the days he's in we can log in and see that he's ok.

Bringonspring · 06/12/2019 12:39

In the US don’t they just take a month off???!

IdleBet · 06/12/2019 12:46

You chose to be a mother so be one.

In my circumstances I didn't choose to be a single mother. DC was planned on the basis the father would not fuck off and leave me to it.

Acciocats · 06/12/2019 12:49

Standard at 3 months when I had my first. She’s now in her late 20s. No attachment issues whatsoever Smile

IdleBet · 06/12/2019 12:53

goingtoneedabiggercar agree. Nothing prepares you for the guilt you feel so why pile on more.

Strokethefurrywall · 06/12/2019 12:59

Oh for crying out loud, people around the world have far less maternity leave than the UK. I went back to work full time when both DSs were just over 4 months old.

Both absolutely fine, no attachment issues!

Boobiliboobiliboo · 06/12/2019 13:03

I went back when my dd was 3 months. She’s 18 months now and totally unaffected,

No offence, but you can’t know that. It took till my 30s and now 40s for attachment issues stemming from infanthood to surface.

if anything more easy going than most her age.

Yes, I was as well.

I’m pregnant with my second and hoping to take a smidge less leave this time.

Will the nursery nurses be at the birth?

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 06/12/2019 13:16

In the US don’t they just take a month off???!

Yeah I think they do, or at least that's all they get paid, some choose to increase it with AL or unpaid leave if they can come to an agreement with their workplace.

Personally I took just under 11 months, but I was looking forward to it when I did go back. It's fine to take whatever you like though, and as its your DH objecting it should be down to him to cover the gap.

Something to consider is the 4 month sleep regression that most babies go through. My DS was a terrible sleeper, DH and I slept in shifts so someone was always awake holding him, I didn't feel human again till we sleep trained at 6 months. You might be lucky and get a child that sleeps in a Moses basket and only wakes a few times a night.

DSHathawaysLover · 06/12/2019 13:24

Do what's right for your family setup, and see if DH can take some parental leave.
I would say that it may be worth waiting to see what kind of a 'sleeper' you have before making a decision.
DC1 was perfect, 12 hours at night from 3 months, no bother. DC2 had the most horrendous 4 month sleep regression that lasted a couple of months - it genuinely broke DH and I. I have no idea how he managed to function at work, there's no way on earth I could have.

Strokethefurrywall · 06/12/2019 13:36

Jesus fucking Christ, the guilt tripping on this thread is ridiculous.

How do we know what decisions we make in the best or necessary interests of the child might fuck them up later in life?? We don't! We can't possibly know!!

We can only do what is best for the circumstances at the time. Motherhood is not and should not be a complete act of selfless martyrdom FFS.

Lycidas · 06/12/2019 13:51

The point is, in the UK we’re lucky enough to have significantly more enlightened paternal leave policies than they do in the US. Why praise their retrograde policies?

Lol at the idea that delaying a return to work by a few months is ‘a complete act of selfless martyrdom’. A few months out of a working life of 40 years. Talk about being a drama llama.

Cremebrule · 06/12/2019 14:18

For me 4 months would be too little and if I had no choice, I’d get a nanny. My children go to nursery (so not anti at all) but I just don’t think it is the best setting for small babies. To put it into context, my mega career focused CEO took 6m at a time for all of her children on the way up the ladder. 6m is still relatively short by UK standards nowadays. From what I’ve noticed as well, it isn’t mat leaves that stall career progression- it’s part time working and needing to leave on time for pick-ups.

I guess the question is would an extra 2 months really make much difference to your career? Ideally I wouldn’t have put mine in nursery until 18m but I had to go back when my mat leave finished at 12m. I think there is a balance and a compromise for most families. I knew my eldest was really benefiting from nursery from about 20m onwards but I know before that she was there for my benefit really.

teenagetantrums · 06/12/2019 14:23

I had to go back when mine were 12and then 14weeks old . Was many years ago I don't think it did them any harm. Do what is best for you

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 06/12/2019 14:31

@ClareMat: I have reported your post. Trawling Mumsnet for research material is against talk guidelines and you should know better.

Strokethefurrywall · 06/12/2019 14:35

My point was that going back to work at 4 months isn't going to cause irreversible emotional damage in babies and worrying and stressing and making other women feel shit that they do "have" to (or want to!) go back (in my case I had to, 12 weeks mat leave standard) is futile.

Free will. It's an amazing thing.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 06/12/2019 14:37

I was off for 9 months with DS1 as I got full pay for that period. By the time I had DS2 I was self employed and the breadwinner so I was back to work full-time in a couple of months. I would not have been happy to send a baby to nursery but I had a truly wonderful childminder and felt entirely confident in her.

My DC were happy and content. They are now young adults and I have no concerns about my decisions.

The guilt tripping on this thread is grim.

Lycidas · 06/12/2019 14:49

I don’t hold the mother fully responsible or intend to guilt trip just
‘her’. The father is also involved. Either of them, a nanny, a grandparent, or someone. What’s important is tha babies do need to securely bond to ONE primary caregiver in those first six months.

What’s ‘grim’ is not being able to state facts about babies’ welfare because people some people might be hurt...

goingtoneedabiggercar · 06/12/2019 14:57

But @Lycidas this is the situation the OP finds herself in, having to return to work for financial reasons, your comments don't change that they'll just make her feel worse so what has been achieved? She's not suddenly going to be able to pay the bills because she's been told her baby will "suffer" if she goes back to work. So it is just guilt tripping.

strawberrieshortcake · 06/12/2019 15:05

Ignore those posters on this thread. They think women should give up their entire lives once they have a baby. If you have childcare arranged and planned then going back after 4 months old is fine, my mother did that for me and I worked out just fine.

In fact I was proud of my mother who decided to go back to work and progress her career because I had a much better standard of living growing up than some of my classmates whose mother gave up work for a few years after having kids and returned to work at min wage jobs.

Some people are happy to stay home longer but you should not be shamed for not wanting to.

ClareMat · 06/12/2019 15:06

Really sorry! I am a student researcher and no I didn't realise.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/12/2019 15:24

Your DH isn't your boss and therefore doesn't get to assign tasks to you. He's worried about it, he can do it. He doesn't want to do it? Neither do you.

And the US has NO mat leave as standard. A lot of jobs give some but legally there's none. Worst in the world. They hate women there. You could argue that the state of the place is the result of no one being securely attached I suppose! You get 12 weeks unpaid if you work for a larger company but zero paid or unpaid in a smaller one.

DowntownAbby · 06/12/2019 15:34

YANBU.

I went back at around 15 weeks.

It's all very well these people saying YABU and it's not enough time but they're no doubt the ones complaining about being left behind in their careers, or whinging about having to take a minimum wage job in their 50s when they find themselves single.

I would absolutely do what you need to do for you, OP.

Your DH can always take some leave if he's so concerned.

EL8888 · 06/12/2019 15:35

It’s your decision. If your OH thinks baby will be too young, fine he can take some paternity leave / annual leave. You will have been pregnant, given birth and done the first 4 months so will have done a lot more than him anyway

dontalltalkatonce · 06/12/2019 15:36

DH doesn’t agree and says 6 months minimum as he’s worried about SIDS but surely nursery and childminder would be following guidelines anyway?

So he can take two months off. I went back when DD was 4 months. I couldn't afford longer. Lots of people can't but not on MN, it's always a year on MN.

NeedAnExpert · 06/12/2019 15:38

In fact I was proud of my mother who decided to go back to work and progress her career because I had a much better standard of living growing up than some of my classmates whose mother gave up work for a few years after having kids and returned to work at min wage jobs.

Check out the Stately Homes thread.