To go back to work when DC is 4 months?

[Drowninginmyownsnot]

I’m only 14 weeks so I have ages yet and anything could happen and I know I could change my mind about how I feel once DC is here.

This will be DC2. I went back when DC1 was 7 months.

I want to go back to work when DC is 4 months. DH doesn’t agree and says 6 months minimum as he’s worried about SIDS but surely nursery and childminder would be following guidelines anyway?

My main reasons for going back are due to money and career prospects.

Thoughts?

[dontalltalkatonce]

The guilt tripping is just indicative of a really nasty undercurrent of misogyny on MN and in society.

[Lycidas]

Yes yet’s gloat at and mock former SAHMs who are now split up and on minimum wage. Funny how it never takes long for these self righteous sentiments to crop up.

[Herewegoagain84]

OP a lot of the responses have responded to your question from the perspective of the child. I would consider yourself and how you feel at that point - at 4 months I was still in a bit of a daze; 4 month sleep regression was brutal (she then decided not to sleep until 13 months ) plus I hadn’t quite come to terms with the birth/new baby, so I would have been useless at work. 4 months goes fast and it’s very early days in terms of your own adjustment, but only you know whether you’ll feel ready.

[MereDintofPandiculation]

The father is also involved. Either of them, a nanny, a grandparent, or someone. What’s important is tha babies do need to securely bond to ONE primary caregiver in those first six months. So that makes a nonsense of the father taking a full share in looking after the baby then, doesn't it?

Or if it's OK for both mother and father to be heavily involved, why not a third person on the shape of a childminder?

[Elieza]

You want four months he wants six months. Split the difference and go back at five months? Compromise is key in most things.

[MrsFrankDrebin]

I had to go back to work full time when my eldest was only 10 weeks old. Not in UK, didn't have maternity payments from employer in those days (it wasn't a legal requirement) and had to live off savings for the weeks before and after she was born after I went on maternity leave (which I had to do at 32 weeks due to the timings in my job). I was also the higher earner at that time. Oh, and DC was 2 weeks overdue, just to add to the fun, so whereas I'd been hoping for 12 weeks off, that's how I ended up with only 10.

I'm glad people have more choice these days. Almost 30 years ago things were very different. Having said that, it didn't affect DC at all (from what we can tell!). Subsequent DC were born in different circumstances, so thankfully my quick return for DC1 was a one-off. Looking back, I'm not actually sure how I did it! But it's definitely the parents/mother who feel it worst. Children are pretty resilient really.

[dalmatianmad]

I went back to work doing 12 hour shifts when both of mine were 4 months old. I had to do it financially. I remember dp bringing dd in once for a feed because she wouldn't take a bottle. We had a cardiac arrest and I had to dash off to deal with that and then come back to poor dd who was screaming by this point

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

If you have to do it and have no choice then it is what it is. There is no guilt tripping here but IMO it's far too young for a child to be left in childcare. I doubt 2 more months in any industry would make much difference to career progression

[darceybussell]

I would usually say see how you feel, because I intended to go back quite early and then ended up feeling quite differently about it, but this is your 2nd DC so you probably have a good idea about how you will feel.

It's very controlling of your husband to attempt to make you take longer off work than you want to! He can take shared parental leave if he is concerned!

[YogaDrone]

I went back to work when my son was 4.5 months old. The mortgage and bills had to be paid plus my mental health was suffering from the sheer boredom.

The "You chose to be a mother so be one." brigade can fuck right off with their sanctimonious pearl clutching misogyny. I apologise to no-one for feeding, clothing and keeping my son loved, warm and safe in the stable home that my salary provides.

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

"You chose to be a mother so be one." brigade can fuck right off with their sanctimonious pearl clutching misogyny

charming! As opposed to the "there is zero difference between a mother and a father, and women should go back to work the day after giving birth to prove some point to society that she's modern"

[Her0utdoors]

There is a link between infant mortality and the age the infant leaves the care of the primary care giver, I can't link now, but Google will assist.

[Acciocats]

So much of how we perceive things is to do with societal context. If the OP had given birth in the era when 3 months ML was standard, she wouldn’t even be having this conversation- she’d just be doing it.

If 2 year ML leave ever becomes the norm, people will look back and pity the poor sods who had to return to work when their children were a year old, and will wonder how they did it.

If having a parent home til the kids were in secondary school were the norm, people would wonder how on Earth mums worked with primary school kids.

The fact that maternity legislation differs all over the world is proof that there’s no agreed ‘right’ time to have off.

And it’s swings and roundabouts anyway: going back to work with a bf 12 week baby was physically demanding for me, but I never had the issues of a crying child starting nursery at a year old when separation anxiety peaks.

Ignore the doom merchants OP. Some people just want to piss on the parade because they can’t handle other people doing things differently

[OverthinkingThis]

OP I think as this is your second DC you should trust your own mind - you know yourself and your family best. I don't think your DH should be dictating your mat leave to you without even properly considering SPL etc to share the load.

Although if one of your reasons for going back at 4 months is money, why is DH disagreeing? Does he not think your financial situation is the same as you do? It's worth going through this side of things properly before making any decisions.

[Strokethefurrywall]

charming! As opposed to the "there is zero difference between a mother and a father, and women should go back to work the day after giving birth to prove some point to society that she's modern"

Who and where was that said or implied?

Most women on here are saying they went back to work because they had to. In my case it's because that's what my country's policy is. And if they want to, it's because they have their own reasons, none of which should need to be justified to anyone else.

Nobody is trying to be modern. Most women are simply doing what is best for their families without a side order of unwanted guilt and judgment that goes with it.

[NabooThatsWho]

As opposed to the "there is zero difference between a mother and a father, and women should go back to work the day after giving birth to prove some point to society that she's modern"

Who said that? Who said anything about going back to work the day after giving birth?

OP So your husband is worried about SIDS but not worried enough to actually take any leave himself? Hmmm.

As long as a baby is being looked after by a loving care-giver, I don’t see the problem. Why are women expected to be shackled to their babies 24/7?

[NichyNoo]

Four months is standard maternity leave across a lot of Europe.

[YogaDrone]

"charming! As opposed to the "there is zero difference between a mother and a father, and women should go back to work the day after giving birth to prove some point to society that she's modern""

What does this have to do with my post OnlyFoolsnMothers? Clearly OP can split her maternity leave with her partner if she wants, but she doesn't need anyone to tell her that.

My reply was to the preachy individuals who seem to feel that they have a right to tell people that their way to parent is the only way and anyone wanting (or indeed needing) to do it differently is to be made to feel as though they have failed their child. Mainly because it's crap. HTH.

[NoIDontWatchLoveIsland]

See how you feel when the baby arrives. You may feel fine returning to work, its also not unusual to feel you cannot leave your baby at all much.

Pointless talking about what is standard in other countries. Theres a big difference between returning to work because you have to and everyone does, and choosing to go back earlier than most others.

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

I perfectly agree and said if you have no choice I get it. But if you have a choice I think a baby so young should be with its primary care giver, at that point it is more often the mother.

[SleepingStandingUp]

Ido think it's too early and in rl I would silently judge

BUT

I would judge you both. You want to go back, having had 4 months off. Your "D"H isn't even interested in taking any leave or contemplating shared leave but is happy to guilt trip you. That makes him a dick imo. If he feels so stoengly, he can step up and do it. It hapuldnt have to fall in" owner of uterus"

[Tigger001]

See how you feel once baby is here, but you have been there before so I'm sure you have a feeling of what's right for you.

I personally couldn't do it unless I needed to financially as 4 months is so young but it no one knows your situation fully and only you and your DH know your situation. Do what you think is best.

[DontLettuceBrexitLettuceRomain]

I’d be amazed if DH does take time off. He didn’t want to look at shared parental leave last time and probably won’t this time but I doubt he’s eligible. He’s also rapidly running out of holiday so I’d be amazed if he took time off.

And why does it not bother you that DH thinks so little of your time and worth?

[namechangetheworld]

It would be too young for me personally.

I would only do it if I truly NEEDED to for financial reasons (i.e. 'the mortgage isn't getting paid unless I go back to work' as opposed to 'we won't be able to afford our fortnight in Spain this summer') and would be desperately trying to cut back on anything and everything to make staying off for a little longer possible.

Good luck with whatever you choose though. You'll get judged to fuck either way!

[Nonnymum]

I think you should wait and see how you feel when the time comes. It's impossible to say how you will feel then. Everything changes once you have a baby.