AIBU to be silently infuriated over dhs “advice” about my day

[Makinganewthinghappen]

For context DH works full time, in a business he owns. I own half the business but don’t work day to day in it ( it’s a technical business and I have no idea how to do that so it’s not an option).

I am home full time and have been for the last few years as we have children who have issues with mean they haven’t been able to attend school and are home educated. They also don’t particularly do well with random trips out so I’m pretty much stuck here.

Don’t get me wrong I actually really like
home educating and DH and I have a good relationship but days like today he drives me totally insane with his lack of knowledge as to what my day is actually about.

I have been struggling lately as my teenager has had various problems with anxiety, using the toilet and I have struggling to get my younger child to do well - anything . Getting her to bath yesterday was the achievement of the day!

Dh is always trying to be helpful but realistically he has to work long hours and so he has started saying things like .

“Smash the day today!”
“Carry on and get it done!”
“Find a way to improve your day”
And my personal favourite
“Keep on moving forward and things will improve!”

Reading back I feel very petty but as he walks out the door cheerfully calling “smash the day!” It causes me to want to smash many things but not the day.

It’s not the fact that he’s saying it it’s the fact that he thinks there is some magical way that I can have an amazing day - when generally I’m just keeping people alive until bedtime.

It drives me insane.

AIBU ?

For clarity we have 6 children. 2 are autistic and 1 had adhd and learning difficulties

Well I’m amazed your days end with everyone alive and fed in that case! You’re already smashing it.

As for getting out the Xmas decs and sorting through them, that’s the sort of thing I’d do when none of the DCs are home, certainly not an activity you want to get them involved with!! Tell him he’s taking them all out for the day to “forge ahead and improve his weekend” and you’ll get the Xmas stuff out then. Except don’t. Just put your bloody feet up and drink tea and eat mince pies.

Has he eaten a motivational calendar or something?

Get him to take a week off and knock himself out smashing his week with his six children, while you take a break somewhere with your phone off, switching it only only a few times a day to send him motivational quotes.

Or tell him to stop immediately or he will be wearing his teeth in unusual ways. Suggest he uses a motivational whiteboard with his employees and see happy and buzzy it makes them feel.

My DH used the term ‘reached out’ the other day. He didn’t understand why I almost died laughing.

Ask him not to do it?

Actually ignore me, just read your update.

Fucking hell, 6 kids! I’d be happy to survive the day never mind smash it😂

Do you home educate all of them?

Oh dear! He's trying to help and empathise and support. It's not working because it's the wrong approach but at least he's trying to support you when he physically can't be there

I was going through a tough time a few years ago & my DP started coming out with sayings like that. It turns out he didn’t know what to do to actively (rather than passively) support me so he turned to Google & came across some American website all about relationship coaching & apparently spouting affirmations everyday is a good way to let one’s partner know that you “hear them” & “attract positivity” to their lives.

It drove me bananas until I found out why he was doing it but once I did, I was actually quite touched.

Why can't you say to him "thanks, but no thanks - please stop" ?

I get why you find it infuriating. But it would be even worse if he said “have a nice day” when he knows you are having a tough time.

Mine can be like this and interestingly has the same employment as yours. I wonder if it is because they are trying to get things done etc but then with children it is different and you feel like you are never getting things done and always dealign with things cropping up, that is why it is so annoying. Mine says annoying things like 'keep busy' yes well I am generally with stuff and could do with a break more that more 'stuff' like Christmas lists and the like.

Send him this
withoutbullshit.com/blog/8-lucy-kellaway-rules-claptrap-fundamental-theorem-corporate-bullshit

ig.ft.com/sites/guffipedia/guff/

Lucy Kellaway ran guffpedia in the FT and used to give out awards for true corporate bullshit.

Does he like SciFi? You could start replying with Klingon phrases in retaliation.

There are a few choice ones that might get your point across or at least puzzle him so he shuts up

Smash the day? I'd be smashing plates if my DH said that!!

YANBU!

Is this him?

Only one answer I'd be giving to 'smash the day' and it would be ah feck off yerself!

My exh used to talk in this ridiculous office speaky kind of way. You'll note the 'ex'. It wasn't the total reason we got divorced but it was on the list

Your poor DH. He is trying to be motivational for you and improve your day and instead of it landing in the right manner, it's annoying you.

You need to speak to your DH as it seems he's heart is in the right place. Perhaps you're resentful of your position at home, could things alter her? Perhaps get your children into a SE school or a home tutor.

My DH used the term ‘reached out’ the other day. He didn’t understand why I almost died laughing.

The worst one I've experienced is "ensuring we're aligned" WTAF

Next time he does it snarl "I am not looking for advice I am looking for understanding" after him.

Or go Jim Royle "Smash the day my arse".

That actually made my blood simmer reading it, so I am not surprised you find it infuriating, I would too.

Okay so thats not actually going to help, but good to know you are not being UR.

I would actually tell to stop saying these things, it sounds like he has swallowed a motivational presentation and robotically recalls the contents every fucking morning. I would put it to him that he is making your day feel WORSE with his quotes for the day, and a simple I love you, you are amazing would suffice.

And you are amazing, and I would suggest he thinks that too, and wonders how you do it every day. Most people would really struggle with your situation. And you know I am going to ask when do YOU get a break from all of this, and get to swan out of the door with a quote of your own? It seems to me like you need to build in some breaks op, some proper long - recharging breaks away from the home.

They sound like Chinese communist slogans 😂

Haha yadnbu. You do need to say something to him about how it makes you feel. When I had a newborn my husband took to asking me everyday what my plans were, and it gave me THE RAGE! It took a major blow out where I told him that my plan was to keep my new born baby safe, clean and fed, which didn't leave alot of time for looking after myself let alone parading around town so next time he felt the urge to ask what my plan was he could f*ck right off to his parents house and not bother coming back! (not my proudest moment) He was gobsmacked because he thought he was being supportive and had no idea that I was feeling like he was expecting me to do more when I could barely find time to eat, and putting pressure on me. He has never asked me again though! 😂

Oh my god it's like something that people would say who sell things for a job! Noooooo! Not to be used in any other areas of life it's cringeworthy!

I once said I felt triggered, and I was honestly at the time, and my dh looked at me in such a way of withering despair, I shall never forget it. So I don't say that anymore, I simply say that has 'hit a nerve', and that seems suitably middle aged and acceptable. WTF can I not say triggered???!!

He thinks it sounds very snowflake and teenage, and I am the wrong side of 45!!!