Hen do AIBU

[frillyfame]

Please bear with me on this one, I'll try not to drip feed whilst trying not to out myself.

SIL gets married in May next year, I'm pregnant with our second and due towards end January. She had asked a while ago whether I would like to help organise her hen do with her bridesmaid - I'd said yes happy to, but depending on what she wanted, I might not be able to attend said hen do due to baby. She said she wanted to do a local weekend and that it was important I was there, and if they organised it for April could I come for a night with baby - fine. I messaged her bridesmaid a while ago and hadn't heard anything - it's been a busy few weeks here and admittedly I hadn't followed up her non response.
Fast forward to this evening, I get invited into a hen do WhatsApp group and the plan is a surprise hen do, four nights in Rome, end of Feb. It's actually a really well thought out venue for her- lots of things she would LOVE and I think it will be awesome.

My issue is that I'll have a circa 1 month old new born and there is just no way in hell Im taking her abroad, alone (without DH) for a hen do - I'd have honestly just thought that would be accepted universally as a no brainer. I messaged the bridesmaid organiser separately just to say amazing idea but unfortunately I can't do it. I also said I didn't want to upset SIL by not being there as it's a surprise so I can't explain why prior to event. Just received a message back to say they're not booking it until after Christmas so to "have a good think about it and then let me know".

My SIL is a bit of a princess and I know she will kick off if I don't go, but I feel as though an abroad hen do is just too much with a newborn (also who honestly wants a baby at a hen do). I want to give her the heads up I'm not going but given she's thinking it's local, I can't do that without ruining at least part of the surprise.

So AIBU to just RSVP "no" to the WhatsApp group and leave them to take any fall out on her hen do for me not being there.

Or do people think I need to re-prioritise and go? My own hen do was so laid back I don't really relate to the stresses and pressures of creating these perfect hen experiences.

No, definitely don't go. There's absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to take a one month old on a hen do.

Try another message "I have put a lot of thought into it, but I won't be coming. It sounds like a brilliant trip and I'd definitely be there, but honestly I think with a 1 month old will be too much. Have a great time but my final answer is no"

What if you don't give birth until 42 weeks!?
Whatever happens you'll be recovering and getting into your own groove.

I wouldn’t even consider it, breastfeeding, bleeding hormonal and a hen do - no way!

I would just put "Hi all, it's a no from me, but I'd be happy to get together for some drinks one night closer to home before the big day if anyone fancies".

I am 100 % sure nobody will want your baby there!!
Def no disrespect intended whatsoever!!

Your sil is bloody bonkers imo!!
A mn Bridezilla in the making!!

No don't go. I would agree with you - who wants a baby at a hen party?!

Surely your sil will understand why you are not there once she's there herself? Tbh I think you'd struggle to get the baby registered and a passport sorted that quickly anyway.

There is zero chance I would go.

Of course you shouldn’t go. Don’t feel guilty for a second about either. Don’t bother to pretend to “have a good think about it” (the cheek of that suggestion!); feel free to just confirm you won’t be there.

Of course you aren't being unreasonable not to go. am I right in suspecting that the bridesmaid organising the trip doesn't have kids? Seems like a definite lack of insight on her part. PP's message is good.
The idea of going on a hen night (even a local one) with a newborn would fill me with dread.

Say sorry won't be making the abroad hen doo, brand new baby and not even sure I'll have time to get them a passport if nothing else as can't predict arrival date! Looking forward to the home hen - there is a home hen isn't there bridesmaid? Happy to help organising that and can def make that.

No definitely not!

They ABVVVVU to expect you to go with a newborn in tow just weeks after giving birth! Who even takes a baby on a hen do?!

SIL can’t be annoyed at you as the destination has changed since you agreed to go, but if she really wanted you there and the bridesmaid has made it no longer feasible for you to attend there might be words to be had there!

They'd have to be wired up wrong to think there's any chance you'd go, just say you don't need until after Christmas and that you're not going and leave the group

There's not a chance in hell that I would go abroad that soon after giving birth and with a newborn baby.

It would be an absolute no from me.

Anyone who thinks this would be a good idea is bonkers IMO.

I wouldn’t be going, there is no way you can take a new born on a hen do and it’s too early in my opinion to leave a baby for that long. I’d just say no and let the organiser deal with the fall out. If I was your SIL I would completely understand why you weren’t there and wouldn’t be pissed off with you in the slightest.

If baby comes at 42w, you will potentially still be under midwife care... how anyone would think this was a good idea is beyond me! YANBU xxx

No don't go and don't feel bad.

Amazes me that women still in this day and age don't understand if someone is pregnant/a new mum their priority isn't a piss up hen party!

Perhaps suggest to SIL you do an afternoon tea or spa day together if you want to

You would also have to rush through a passport application for the baby. You'd need to get the birth certificate immediately and then you have to get a photo of the baby flat against that white background with its eyes open looking at the camera for the passport application. This is almost impossible with a newborn who will fall asleep the moment you take it out of the house. Our local snappy snaps does it with a huge cushion to lie the baby on that is the same colour as the official background for an adult photo, but it was still really, really challenging.

You can't go, end of.

Organise a small overnight thing locally in April??

No way would I go and anyone that thinks you will is being ridiculous.

"have a good think about it and then let me know"

I would suggest a faintly blunt answer: 'No matter how much I think about it, I cannot change when the baby is due. I cannot attend. I hope it is a wonderful event for everyone else! Please let me know what you will be saying to SIL about the impossibility of my taking part, and when, so I don't stick foot in it'

**No definitely not!

They ABVVVVU to expect you to go with a newborn in tow just weeks after giving birth! Who even takes a baby on a hen do?!**

^This. Outrageous really to expect this from you. Just say no

Simple enough on whether you go - it's just not very practical.

I would be a bit concerned that SIL told you she wanted something local, and although it sounds like they've organised something she might well enjoy, maybe she had reasons not to want to go far. Perhaps she knows there are other invitees who might find the cost difficult, for instance, or perhaps she just cares more about who than where. (I think I would be rather embarrassed if I was expecting someone to organise a day/evening out locally and then discovered that they'd persuaded all my friends to stump up for something much more expensive.) It's difficult to know whether you can or should say anything, though.

Completely unreasonable and unrealistic if they think you can go. Just use what the fo!rst poster said - but dont feel guilty.in the slightest.

I wouldn’t go but perhaps a video message for the bride? Sent to the bridesmaids for them to play for her when the whole thing is revealed?
Or could you make a pack for her? A letter saying you’re gutted not to make it but will do something else later? Maybe so euros to buy her a drink on the trip?

Huh? Think about what? She’s mad.

You can take SIL out for lunch when they’re back if you feel up to it. No foreign jaunts!

Say no now and a video message is fabulous!