Hen do AIBU

[frillyfame]

Please bear with me on this one, I'll try not to drip feed whilst trying not to out myself.

SIL gets married in May next year, I'm pregnant with our second and due towards end January. She had asked a while ago whether I would like to help organise her hen do with her bridesmaid - I'd said yes happy to, but depending on what she wanted, I might not be able to attend said hen do due to baby. She said she wanted to do a local weekend and that it was important I was there, and if they organised it for April could I come for a night with baby - fine. I messaged her bridesmaid a while ago and hadn't heard anything - it's been a busy few weeks here and admittedly I hadn't followed up her non response.
Fast forward to this evening, I get invited into a hen do WhatsApp group and the plan is a surprise hen do, four nights in Rome, end of Feb. It's actually a really well thought out venue for her- lots of things she would LOVE and I think it will be awesome.

My issue is that I'll have a circa 1 month old new born and there is just no way in hell Im taking her abroad, alone (without DH) for a hen do - I'd have honestly just thought that would be accepted universally as a no brainer. I messaged the bridesmaid organiser separately just to say amazing idea but unfortunately I can't do it. I also said I didn't want to upset SIL by not being there as it's a surprise so I can't explain why prior to event. Just received a message back to say they're not booking it until after Christmas so to "have a good think about it and then let me know".

My SIL is a bit of a princess and I know she will kick off if I don't go, but I feel as though an abroad hen do is just too much with a newborn (also who honestly wants a baby at a hen do). I want to give her the heads up I'm not going but given she's thinking it's local, I can't do that without ruining at least part of the surprise.

So AIBU to just RSVP "no" to the WhatsApp group and leave them to take any fall out on her hen do for me not being there.

Or do people think I need to re-prioritise and go? My own hen do was so laid back I don't really relate to the stresses and pressures of creating these perfect hen experiences.

You could be 2 weeks out from major abdominal surgery. You could have stitches in places you can barely imagine. You could still be passing large clots.

You almost certainly will be suffering from sleep deprivation.

You are busy. That’s life. Someday, your SiL will grow up a bit and understand.

Text BM, I've thought through all my options and I won't be ready to leave a possibly two week old baby or take baby to a noisy hen night.
Text sil, BM has been in touch about your hen do. It sounds great but it's just after I give birth so obviously I won't be able to commit. (I'll give the BM cocktail money etc to celebrate from me ... optional)

No way would I go one month post birth! In fact with my eldest I was still in recovery from emergency surgery 4 weeks after giving birth. Just stick to the local one in April as planned

Say no. If SIL kicks off just tell her how ridiculous it is to expect you to attend possibly 2 weeks after giving birth and/or after possible c section which has a 6 week recovery. Had it been organised for April as you thought that might have been more doable but I don't think anyone would expect you to go so soon after having a baby.

Id reply "There's absolutely no way I will be taking baby to Rome or leaving a one month at home without me. When BTB and i discussed this, I agreed to take her on one overnight in this country. I understand why you want to do Rome and BTB will love it, but that does mean i'm out."

Incidentally, what was the plans on a boozy hen do weekend with a few month old baby anyway? Just in case they reconsider

As if you'd take a newborn on a hen do

My SIL is a bit of a princess and I know she will kick off if I don't go

^^

Seriously, do you really give a shit if she kicks off? You'll have a one month old baby?

Friggin hell

Bloody hell! The only acceptable response to someone saying ‘sorry, can’t make it, I’ll have given birth around four weeks beforehand’ is ‘of course, all the best, see you soon!’

‘Have a good think’ indeed. What nonsense!

(I don’t even have kids and I can see this is absolute madness)

They are only being polite with the "have a think about it", they don't mean it. Don't worry about, nobody wants a baby on a hen and your sil will get over it. Don't over think it

“Hi, sorry but I am definitely out for the hen do. Travelling abroad straight after a baby isn’t feasible for me. When SIL and I discussed it, she was keen on a local do so that I could make it. I’m sure she’ll love Rome, but I’ll have to give it a miss. I hope you all have fun.”

What’s wrong with people, honestly?

SIL said April and reasonably local, one night for you to be there with the baby. Fine.

She/they’ve moved the goalposts so of course you can’t go.

If you have a section (hope you don’t, wishing you a fast and uncomplicated birth) then you wouldn’t even be able to fly - I recovered well from my two sections but was still not healed 4 weeks later.

I’m getting angry just thinking about it.

If SIL is going to be angry it will be with the bridesmaids that organised a hen do that was impossible for you to attend.

Arrange a small local night out in April. Not everyone will go to Rome.

Bonkers. Of course you can’t go. No need to stress about it. No need to over explain. ‘Of course I can’t go to Rome, I will have a 4 week old 🤪, but a local night out pre wedding in April would be great’.

All my kids were born at 42 weeks. You might be fine to go to Rome but you also are quite likely not to be fine. Just accept that your own life event is canceling out the Hen, and concentrate on being on top form for the wedding. Try not to care about SILs reaction. If she is cross, that's purely unreasonable and frankly I think the other bm could have taken your circumstances in account but whatev. Childless people don't usually get exactly how difficult certain things are.

Does SIL know that she's going abroad? If I'd specified a localish hen do, over one night, I'd be really fucking pissed off if my BM decided to book one abroad, regardless of whether she thought I'd enjoy it. It implies the BM knows better than I do what I want, and I'd refuse to go (and also possibly revoke the invitation to the wedding).

You can't go (and I wouldn't take a baby to a hen do anyway, even if it was local). If your SIL kicks off about you not going to this one abroad, ignore her.

Its obvious that you can't go. I would just text back nice and breezy, 'no need to think about it, I've got a baby due too close to that weekend, so do go ahead and book!'

I wouldn't mention your non-attendance to the bride, because if she susses and it has to be changed, you'll be blamed. Just let her assume you are going, and make plans privately to have a good local night out when you are on your feet?

I was a bride this year
Friends organised my hen do
My input was local and reasonably priced so that no one was excluded
I would have been pissed off if they'd organised 4 days in Rome! How much is that costing!
I had a ball at a house party, no hassle with getting home, no one had to stay over, no one had to take time off work, board the dog /cat whatever
Lots said it was the best they'd been to
This spending a fortune is getting out of hand

‘I don’t need More time to think about it, I will have a newborn and am unable to come. Have a great time’

The bridesmaid is a CF

Yeah fuck that. A no from me.

I was invited to a hen weekend that started on my due date last year. I fell pregnant and told the bride before my invite to the hen.

The batshit crazy bitch said I had to go or i would be "letting her down". Hen was my due date in fucking Disneyland I did not go. Wedding was 2 weeks later. Was also told I'd be letting her down if I didn't go to the wedding. At 2 weeks PP I was still bleeding profusely, with kidney failure and unable to wee unless I was standing up with a hospital cup. My tits were leaking everywhere and I couldnt sit or lie down without my prolapsed piles erupting.

Bridezillas are fucking bonkers. My hen was in a pub 2 miles from my house for 4 hours. It was fucking immense.

I feel very passionately that some brides to be are absolutely fucking batshit. Their wedding doesn't trump your child. The end,

(Genuinely hope brides who organise ridiculous £400 hens and expect their mates to go when 9 months pregnant are on here and read this and realise they are utter cunts).

Taking the baby out of the equation, I think it’s incredibly unreasonable for anyone to arrange a four day holiday and just expect all invitees to come.
That’s at least two days off work, possibly more depending on flight times. Significantly greater cost than a local one-night party and they’re booking in January when people are likely to be shorter of cash than usual, having not given you much prior warning to save for this.

The expectation that people can automatically afford this and want to use their holiday time for this is extraordinary. Add to that the fact that you will have the cost of fast tracking a new born’s passport through at just a week or two postpartum, would be willing to travel on an airplane with a baby pre-immunisations (fwiw I did this but it’s not everyone’s cup of tea) and be effectively alone, abroad with a tiny baby whilst in the thrall of establishing feeding, exhausted from night wakings etc etc if your support network had to stay behind. The whole thing is madness.

Of course YANBU and it would be very simple to explain it post-event to your SIL, who, if she’s at all sane, would be best placed directing any disappointment at her bridesmaids feet.

Well obviously you can't go.

I wonder how many people have RSVPd yes. It's significantly more expensive than planned. Perhaps the numbers are bad.

Suggest a local night too.

I actually think it's really nice your SIL wants and baby to come. There was a thread here recently from a new mum who had been told not to attend her friends birthday lunch with her newborn. The poster was gutted as was dying to get out in company.

Would definitely be a no from me! Tell them now and leave the WhatsApp group. Way to much hassle, and consider what would happen if you had an emergency c section? I'm sure you wouldn't even be allowed to fly so soon after due to risk of DVT, and speaking from experience it took me 6 weeks before I could manage a simple trip to the supermarket. Couldn't imagine wheeling a suitcase to the airport! Also if for whatever reason you aren't breast feeding, bottle feeding/sterilIsing is hard work when you are travelling.

Say no, wish you could but sadly not possible and would hate to ruin everyone else’s time by going with a newborn. There must be other mums invited who will understand and can explain.

With SIL just say to her that you know she’ll understand that a 4 day hen do abroad is not something that would be suitable for a newborn, you’re sad that it won’t be possible for you to attend but want to do something with her to celebrate before the wedding. If she kicks off just keep repeating that of course if it was local and only one night you wouldn’t miss it for the world.

No way would I even think about going!
If your sil really really wanted you there, she could've organised a few drinks at someone's house, or very locally.
Four days in Rome for a hen party sounds crazy to me anyway!

I didn't have a baby but a similar thing re a hen do. A very old and (I thought) close friend of mine was getting married. Neither of us are well off financially and that's always been the case - she doesn't work due to ill health, I work ft but not on a great wage and have two kids. I thought her hen do would be absolutely lovely but affordable.

However, her mum offered to foot the bill for her (fair enough) so she could have a bit more flexibility.

I got an email from her mum inviting me but... it was a whole weekend away at a very expensive hotel four hours away with meals, champagne and trips out! a) I was a single mum at the time and had limited childcare provision and b) No way on earth I could afford it.

It really upset me if I'm honest.

When I have my hen do I am just planning a lovely afternoon tea somewhere local because to me, it's about all of my friends being there and enjoying themselves - the 'where' is far less important.