Hen do AIBU

[frillyfame]

Please bear with me on this one, I'll try not to drip feed whilst trying not to out myself.

SIL gets married in May next year, I'm pregnant with our second and due towards end January. She had asked a while ago whether I would like to help organise her hen do with her bridesmaid - I'd said yes happy to, but depending on what she wanted, I might not be able to attend said hen do due to baby. She said she wanted to do a local weekend and that it was important I was there, and if they organised it for April could I come for a night with baby - fine. I messaged her bridesmaid a while ago and hadn't heard anything - it's been a busy few weeks here and admittedly I hadn't followed up her non response.
Fast forward to this evening, I get invited into a hen do WhatsApp group and the plan is a surprise hen do, four nights in Rome, end of Feb. It's actually a really well thought out venue for her- lots of things she would LOVE and I think it will be awesome.

My issue is that I'll have a circa 1 month old new born and there is just no way in hell Im taking her abroad, alone (without DH) for a hen do - I'd have honestly just thought that would be accepted universally as a no brainer. I messaged the bridesmaid organiser separately just to say amazing idea but unfortunately I can't do it. I also said I didn't want to upset SIL by not being there as it's a surprise so I can't explain why prior to event. Just received a message back to say they're not booking it until after Christmas so to "have a good think about it and then let me know".

My SIL is a bit of a princess and I know she will kick off if I don't go, but I feel as though an abroad hen do is just too much with a newborn (also who honestly wants a baby at a hen do). I want to give her the heads up I'm not going but given she's thinking it's local, I can't do that without ruining at least part of the surprise.

So AIBU to just RSVP "no" to the WhatsApp group and leave them to take any fall out on her hen do for me not being there.

Or do people think I need to re-prioritise and go? My own hen do was so laid back I don't really relate to the stresses and pressures of creating these perfect hen experiences.

I did also think of suggesting I organise a local one, but I think I'd I'd committed to Rome hen do which realistically is going to be £600-700 each, I wouldn't want to commit to giving up another day/weekend and more expense doing something else?

Of course you can't go!! Any reasonable person would understand.

TBH OP I wouldnt get too stressed about also arranging a group UK hen.
I would explain to the bride why you cant attend but you'd love to take her to a dinner just you and her- if the other plans fall through or others drop out she may then decide to include more people on the local celebration. But its on her not you.

Discussing with the MIL sounds like a good idea.

I agree that doing something with just the bride would be a nice idea (and a nice treat for you too).

Maybe arrange for a Bridesmaid to hand her a card at her surprise, saying something along the lines of "I'm so devastated I can't be there. Have the most amazing time and I've got a little something up my sleeve for you just before the wedding".

An afternoon tea/Spa day as some have suggested sound like a really nice idea.

Congrats on the new baby!

Yes, speak to MIL asap.

That’s perfect wattagoose. That ensures she understands you haven’t just not bothered and that you really want to do something special. Totally agree that talking to mil is a very good idea, she will probably know how the bride will feel. I must say I think your sister in law is very lucky that you are such a thoughtful person and it’s lovely she wants you to be there so much she’s said bring baby. Wishing you all the best with your pregnancy.

£600-700 each for a hen do!? Good lord how do people ever think it is justified to organise these extravagant events and make people feel pressured into attending.
YABU not to go, its totally impractical

Talking to your MIL is a good idea.

"Have a really good think about this : I will have just given birth.I cannot attend a hen event abroad.the btb has told me she very much wants me to attend her hen party.I would love to have afternoon tea or similar with you all,perhaps we can arrange this?any questions,just read this message again."

Yeah, I'd speak to MIL but of course, it's a firm NO to Rome.

If there's a group he do chat. Put on it something along the lines all
Hi all, so sorry I won't be able to make it to Rome with a newborn. If there's a few family or friends who can't make it abroad maybe we could do a spa afternoon or afternoon tea nearer the wedding. Double the fun for sil.

Who are these people that you only seem to hear of on MN? I don't know ANYONE stupid enough to suggest going on a hen do in these circumstances.
And op, how did you not laugh out loud and say "yeah right?" When it was first suggested. I'm assuming MIL, DH and anyone with more than one brain cell is backing you up and will happily leave SIL to princess hissy fit herself off into the sunset. What. The. Actual. Fuck?

No way would I go. They are being incredibly unreasonable if they expect you to go. I was sore, tired, breastfeeding with minimal sleep when my DS was around 1 month old. No way would I be going to Rome for a bloody hen do.

Of course you can't go. It's a mad idea.
Who has a surprise hen do? Can't imagine anything worse tbh.

I wouldn’t consider a weekend abroad for a hen do regardless of child status, but this is ridiculous. The better part of £1000 to celebrate the fact someone is getting married? Absolutely out of this world ridiculous.

The plan was local with a +/- 3 month old, not abroad with a month old.

Of course YANBU! I suspect the B had absolutely no idea you were pregnant or that you can't just tag a newborn along with you (or that you wouldn't want to) on a plane never mind a hen do. I would do the following:

1. Say no way on the WhatsApp group. Say why and then leave it. The B needs to rethink this tbh, not you.
2. Drop a hint with the MiL about the situation. I doubt the hen do will be a complete surprise, and she may be able to influence the timing and location.

If it still goes ahead, I would offer to take your SiL out for a lovely meal when your babe is a bit older i.e. more than a month old.

And don't feel guilty! It isn't your fault your SiL is a princess, or that her B is an idiot.

Even the first plan was batshit! Who would enjoy a baby at a hen do?