Hen do AIBU

[frillyfame]

Please bear with me on this one, I'll try not to drip feed whilst trying not to out myself.

SIL gets married in May next year, I'm pregnant with our second and due towards end January. She had asked a while ago whether I would like to help organise her hen do with her bridesmaid - I'd said yes happy to, but depending on what she wanted, I might not be able to attend said hen do due to baby. She said she wanted to do a local weekend and that it was important I was there, and if they organised it for April could I come for a night with baby - fine. I messaged her bridesmaid a while ago and hadn't heard anything - it's been a busy few weeks here and admittedly I hadn't followed up her non response.
Fast forward to this evening, I get invited into a hen do WhatsApp group and the plan is a surprise hen do, four nights in Rome, end of Feb. It's actually a really well thought out venue for her- lots of things she would LOVE and I think it will be awesome.

My issue is that I'll have a circa 1 month old new born and there is just no way in hell Im taking her abroad, alone (without DH) for a hen do - I'd have honestly just thought that would be accepted universally as a no brainer. I messaged the bridesmaid organiser separately just to say amazing idea but unfortunately I can't do it. I also said I didn't want to upset SIL by not being there as it's a surprise so I can't explain why prior to event. Just received a message back to say they're not booking it until after Christmas so to "have a good think about it and then let me know".

My SIL is a bit of a princess and I know she will kick off if I don't go, but I feel as though an abroad hen do is just too much with a newborn (also who honestly wants a baby at a hen do). I want to give her the heads up I'm not going but given she's thinking it's local, I can't do that without ruining at least part of the surprise.

So AIBU to just RSVP "no" to the WhatsApp group and leave them to take any fall out on her hen do for me not being there.

Or do people think I need to re-prioritise and go? My own hen do was so laid back I don't really relate to the stresses and pressures of creating these perfect hen experiences.

These Hen Dos are bigger than honeymoons these days! No wonder postmillennials are all eating avocado toasts instead of buying houses! (yes I am as old as the hills). Of course a four day trip to Rome a month after you've had a baby sounds like complete misery. You'll be dripping from every orificeyou don't even want to knownever mind my darling. Just trust me. You don't want to go.

So sil has asked for a local hen do in April and Bm has ignored this and your part in organisation.
I think you need to carefully sound sil out as to what she wants.
My dd is getting married next year and her moh has chosen venue and activities with my dd wishes uppermost.
Whilst Rome sounds amazing it's obviously being arranged in February because it's cheaper but if it's more important to sil that you're there then this should be a priority.

I hate these WhatsApp groups for this because the peer pressure is enormous. Chances are Bm and friends have got carried away and forgotten about your baby. You're going to have to be blunt and risk being a spoilsport.

Personally I would love to have an excuse not to go to my own dd's hen do but I'm a grumpy git 😂

As Motoko said, would your SIL actually want a 4 day trip to Rome? Will she have enough holiday to cover it considering she'll have a honeymoon, can she take time off work then, can she afford it with a wedding to pay for? The BM has made a lot of assumptions.

Your SIL told you what she wanted - a local weekend that included you. Is it possible that she wanted you involved in the organisation so that BM wouldn't get carried away like this?

I assume none of the others have had children or they couldn't possibly expect you to do this! I'm sat with a 7 week old asleep on me, straight forward birth, and the idea of this just fills me with horror. You could be 2 weeks pp. I think I was barely walking to the local shop at that point.

Just say no and organise a surprise for you and your sil as a mini hen do for you such as a spa day or afternoon tea or night away locally. You can tell her about it when she gets surprised to soften the blow that you’re not going.

Of course you won’t be there. Say no, you can tell them now you can’t attend.

I don't know why you haven't answered back, this is not what the bride wanted, she told me she wanted a local weekend for her hen do, so that I can attend, I will not be able to attend a weekend away in Rome as I will just have had a baby and is just not practical.

Organise a second local hen do, smaller group maybe just bridesmaids in April as well as the one in Rome. That way you still attend a hen do, go for afternoon tea or something more low key than a trip abroad. But YANBU, do not go!

Surely you need to tell the bridesmaid that that sort of hen do is not what the bride wants / has asked for.
The bride may have asked you to help organise it because she knows you will do what she has asked for.
The bride may be very upset that her wishes have been ignored

I can't get over the entitlement of people when it comes to hen doos and baby showers and all the rest of it these days. Unless you don't have kids, a family, a job and you do have a whole lot of disposable income and time then 4 days in Rome is going to be a bit of an issue for everyone. I had a similar situation with my friend. Who thought since my ds would be 2 months old by the time her week long hen doo in zante came around it would be fine for me to go. Sorry but my newborn child is more important to me than shots and inflatable Willy's for a week! Just tell them no. Any reasonable person would understand.

I would be telling them a firm NO.

I would wish them all the best and leave them to it. Then I would organise a day out with just you and SIL closer to the wedding.

I don’t know why some people are calling SIL bridezilla. She hasn’t asked anyone to go abroad, she was perfectly happy with local and seeing OP and baby.
Of course you can’t go OP, the bridesmaid hasn’t seemed to have actually said anything too bad either apart from ‘have a think and let me know’ but she probably isn’t thinking about the logistics of it - and if she is she’s bonkers. Just say no and let them deal with it and speak to SIL when it all comes out, I’m sure she’ll understand.

Yes volunteer to organise a local night out

No way on this planet! Plus, you might not have a straight forward delivery, if you ended up needing c-sec etc you defo won't want to be going abroad (or anywhere).

then you have to get a photo of the baby flat against that white background with its eyes open looking at the camera for the passport application. This is almost impossible with a newborn who will fall asleep the moment you take it out of the house.

Actually babies under 1 don’t need their eyes open in passport photos, so it’s not quite this horrific!

There is no way I would go in your circumstances, but I do feel a bit sorry for your SIL. I think you might have to find some way of letting her know in advance?

Nah,

Don’t go it would be daft. Just have a mini do as suggested by PP. Spa day or afternoon tea close to home. It’s just a wedding and no one will die if you’re not at the piss up abroad.

You absolutely cannot go! You’ll be bleeding, might be sore from a c-section/episiotomy and learning to feed a screaming new born. They’re having a laugh!!

You SIL will find out soon enough as they will have to tell her to book days of work, I assume she works! I'd be massively pissed off if I was her, she may hate the idea of some abroad all bells and whistles event, I know I would!

Say no now. Do not procrastinate about it, do not wheedle and try to justify yourself. Just say no

Oh god, why can't the organisers listen when the guest of honour asks for something small and simple. When we got married DH's best man organised a surprise trip to Vegas. Immediately some of DH's closest friends pulled out, and a couple of others really struggled to fund it, but did so because they care.
I was fuming with the best man. DH had said his priority was making it easy and affordable for the people who mattered to him to be able to attend. He was mortified when he found out, and gutted about some of the people who didn't come.

There’s no issue here OP, you won’t want to go, (couldn’t think of anything worse with a newborn!) you tried to organise something and were ignored- the issue is between SIL and her friend

Well of course you shouldn't go, however I don't have a feeling that this plan will fall on its arse anyway.
Rome isn't the cheapest of places, so I imagine that some of the other hens won't be able to russle up flights/hotels and spends just after Christmas. You are probably talking near £1k at least.

I think I’d be putting it to the group that SIL wanted a local do in April, that you can’t make Rome due to baby but happy to attend the local get together.

Sorry I'm only just replying - thank you for all the comments reiterating I'm not being a dick!

None of them have children, so they don't get it - I thought it was quite a big ask being expected to be on the local one to be honest - my DS was EBF and didn't sleep more than 2 hours at a time until well over 6months so an over nighter on a hen do with a newborn was terrifying enough anyway.

I want to say something RE what the bride wants VS what they're organising but I don't want it to look like I'm trying to change the goal posts because I can't come abroad if that makes sense? I thought I'd discuss it with MIL first as her and SIL are very close and if there are concerns over the hen do destination, she can speak to bridesmaid/bride - does that seem a good idea? Then I'm not ruining the surprise?

I won't go over my Due date is I'm high risk so they won't let me, but I wasn't seriously considering the hassle of getting a newborn a passport just to go on a hen do. Realistically I'll be no fun and babies and hen Do’s just don't mix. I do know that- I have no idea why my SIL wants me there under these circumstances!