Help I need advise husband went to a strip pub

[Jk191]

I found out recently that my husband visited a strip pub a few years ago with some friends. It has really upset me. He said he was there 10 mins and left and said there were girls on stage but not stripping. I cannot help it but I am finding it hard to forget about it or belive him. Please any advise would be great

[Hubstar]

I went on the train 12 years ago!

Hubby’s still upset......

[Jk191]

Thank you that really helps

[Aquamarine1029]

Somehow I doubt all this angst and drama is because your husband went into a strip club 6 years ago for 10 minutes.

[FizzyIce]

6 years ago?? Jeez...

[Jk191]

That's how I feel its upset me soo much

[salsmum]

When I was married to my late husband back in the 80s they had hen nights where you'd go for a night out with the girls, chicken in a basket and they'd be 2 male strippers on all for about £5 a ticket. They were good nights with some good memories and nights out away from the DCs and nothing more. I'm not sure if men see 'more into it' than women but I trusted my husband when he went out with the lads and he trusted me. If it happened years ago and he's still with you I'd put it behind me.

[Jk191]

I also know how horrible these places are. I do not want someone I am with iayjng towards the sex industry and the poor girls that are exploited

[Aquamarine1029]

He wasn't paying towards anything. He left after 10 minutes.

[Jk191]

My point is I think he is lying to me and they were stripping.

[Jk191]

Thank you

[Aquamarine1029]

If he really wanted to lie he wouldn't have told you he even went into the place.

[CFlemingSmith]

YABVU. Get over it. And some girls choose to go into that industry! It was years ago. Stop worrying about it.

[Thestrangestthing]

Why didn't he tell you at the time?

[rattusrattus20]

c 20 years ago I went to one in East London somewhere, the kind of place where an old fashioned thick pint beer glass/mug got passed around to put coins or maybe the odd fiver in. they had a few strippers who possibly took everything off, i don't recall. lots, maybe even most, of the punters looked faintly embarrassed, not really into it, your husband could easily have been one of those types.

[Pixiemeat]

Did he go in not actually realising it was a strip pub though? Because I accidentally did that once! I was with a female friend at the time. We were looking for somewhere to have a quick drink. I still cringe at the memory...

[rosesinmygarden]

If your dh knew this would upset you and did it anyway (and has hidden it for years) then you have every right to be upset and you have to decide what to do.

If you've never had that conversation and he was not aware of how you felt then you are probably being unreasonable to make this a deal breaker. But, do tell him how it's making you feel and how you'd prefer him to behave in future.

It is absolutely okay to not be okay with things like this. You dont have to be the 'cool wife' and not everyone is okay with things like strippers and porn for example. Do noy let anyone here or in real life try to tell you that you are overreacting or that you dobt have the right to feel that way. But you have to be open and honest with your dh and go forward from there. He has to understand how this has made you feel and what your decision will be if this ever happens again. Set the boundaries in your relationship now.

For what it's worth, my dh and I nearly split up over something similar-ish. He knew I wouldn't be happy about something he chose to do but I think he thought I'd be pissed off, rather than heartbroken. I laid it on the line to him and it has taken me a very long time to trust him again. He knows (I hope!) that if he wants to be married to me then he has to respect my boundaries and make the choice not to do certain things. I am fully willing to walk away if I find he has done the thing that upset me ever again.

[pooopypants]

There's a backstory here OP, what is it?

[burnagirl]

Why do so many men automatically assume that their partners are OK with the sex industry unless explicitly told otherwise?

[GiveHerHellFromUs]

I think he's lying about the length of time he was there but just let your feelings be known and let it go. There's no point being overly upset about it now.

[TheRobinIsBobbingAlong]

Seriously OP, you need to chill out a bit. Some strippers in a pub would be very tame. It's not like he visited an S&M dungeon or a massage parlour FFS! If this is how you react to 10 mins in a strip pub then I would not be surprised if he was lying because your reaction is OTT.

[Jk191]

It's just driving me crazy. Not telling me at the time. Has he been before. Would he go again. Was he there longer than 10 mins and were they stripping? I just want the truth because i have convinced myself he is lying but he still says they were not stripping. I have tried everything to get him to tell me they were and he still says no one was stripping. We were there 10 mins and no money was put in the pot. Pint glass. Why can I not believe him

[rosesinmygarden]

Has something happened in the past which means you are finding it hard to believe him.

[rosesinmygarden]

Have you explained to him how you are feeling?

What was his reaction?

[Aquamarine1029]

Why can I not believe him

I don't know, why can't you? You've been married for 18 years. Does he have form for being dishonest? If he doesn't, I think you are being very unfair.

[NameChangeNugget]

What’s the real story here?

This is a bit of a non-event, if there’s no backstory