If I make an issue out of parents not coming for Christmas?

[Justwantapeacefullife]

So a little bit of backstory: I've been NC with my sister now for a good few years. She is not a nice person.

She has always been in trouble one way or another and my parents have pandered to her. She lived with them until she got pregnant at 30 and then moved in with her boyfriend.

DS and her DP are both alcoholics. They now have 2 DC who are on a child protection plan following violence between the adults and numerous occasions of police being called. My parents have provided support, babysitting and money through all the drama. My DS and her DC even lived with them for a while during the time the child protection plan required that the children could only be with one parent at any one time.

Meanwhile my parents see my 2 DC 2 -3 times a year (we live about 40 minutes away). One of these is Christmas and my DC really look forward to having them there - my DC are still both under 5 and all the magic still exists for them :)

Coming to this year, my DS and her DP have now seperated following yet another violent drunken incident between them. My DS is being moved into some accommodated with the DC - or at least is hopeful this will happen in the next couple weeks if not they will to go to live with my parents.

Now my parents want to stay with her for Christmas, worried she will be on her own with the DC. This is a fair point as through her own doing she has no friends and is NC with me and our all our cousin's.

But my parents have promised my children months ago they would be there for Christmas. They will be sad if my parents don't come and I'm annoyed at them for feeling it's ok to let them down. I'm also a bit resentful myself that yet again my DS through her own making is in a mess and my parents are dropping everything to pander to her.

I'm of course torn as Im sure it would be better for her DC to have my parents around for Christmas but it makes me so frustrated that my kids have to be disappointed through no fault of their own.

I would he unreasonable to make a fuss though wouldn't I??

You need to arrange to do things with your parents.
Trips out, is there a Christmas garden center display?

Yanbu. I'm so sorry. This seems very unfair, but I suppose your parents aren't having much fun either...

I think you would be well within your rights to let your parents know that your DC are disappointed. You don't need to make a fuss necessarily. But letting them know they will be missed by their other grandchildren would be okay.

It doesn't sound like they have a lot of choice regarding Christmas (presumably it's not their fault you are NC with your sister so you can't all spend Christmas together) but is there any reason they don't see you and your family often outside of Christmas? It sounds like the problem is more generally that they don't put very much effort in with your DC.

If your children are under 5 they won't be dissapointed not really it is you that is upset and that is fair enough, Your sister sounds like chaos but her children need stability and if that means GP being around on Christmas then I think that is important for them. Can you go to them on boxing day or something.

I think its ok to say your DC are disappinted - but doesnt mean you cant do something christamassy with DC & Parents....maybe a grotto trip/light up walk ...could be nice to have a christmassy 'tradition' rather than focus just on the day..

At this point are they actually focused on your sister's children as they are worried their mother is not safe to look after them with the extra stress of Christmas?

While yanbu for feeling sad for your kids think of your nephews and what kind of a life they having. Your parents I expect are thinking of them on Christmas day if u DC goes on a bender least you mum n dad there for them. Maybe organise to go to your m&d during or before Christmas.

It's not their fault that we are NC, no. Aside from always pandering her contributing to the horrid individual she is!
Most of the reason we don't see them more often is because of their choice to take care of Dsis. Either they are babysitting, or visiting or helping to sort the house etc.
It's pretty endless. I don't make a fuss about it really as we prefer not to visit their home with DC ( they smoke heavily, and the house is filthy) so about once a month we throw out an invitation to come to us or to take them for a meal hear them. Mostly they are busy. It's frustrating but Im reluctant to put pressure from my side with everything they have with dsis. Plus to be honest the more it goes on the less I can bothered, the attention between us has never been balanced and I just focus on making a happy home for my DC and try not to let my frustration turn to resentment and bitterness!

Is there somewhere you can all be together for Christmas? Maybe use it as a chance to be civil with each other, even if you cant be friends

Arranging to do something with them and your Dc over Christmas would be nice, I understand your upset you are seeing favouritism but really they are trying to hold onto their other grandchildren being on CPP is serious your parents have been drawn into it all and they maybe have limited energy and your sisters circumstances is draining them.

I feel sorry for your parents, that is their daughter and grandchildren after all. They are probably trying to do the best thing for the grandchildren who don’t, by the sounds of it, have a particularly stable home life. You don’t have these problems and your children are raised well so as sad as it is, your parents probably don’t feel they need to support you as much.

It’s sad you can’t all have Christmas together but it is only one Christmas, there are plenty ahead of you all.

Disford I'm not sure to be honest. I would hope that is there focus. To be honest I think my DM thrives on the fact my ds is disfunctional.
I've always been very independent where my sister has always relied on them and I think DM enjoys that, so she sees this as an opportunity to polish her mum halo..

Oh hugs 🤗 I get that your parents want to be there for your sister. She’s clearly troubled and needs support but you are also their daughter and they need to be involved with their grandchildren as you will end up with a strained relationship with your parents.

You really need to talk to them about this. It’s not fair they let your children down. Can they not see you both? 40 minutes isn’t very far really. They could spend the morning with your sister then the afternoon with you which seems fair to me.

Imo back away or you will find your self lying to protect your dc when they get older and gps are letting them down or you have to cover for them. My dc don't see my dps as they are wastes of space.. They are more than fine without gps. .

You sound just fed up of it all Op you just want your kids to have caring jolly grandparents and I don't think you can rely on that which is a shame have your own Christmas ask if they want to meet before hand to exchange presents and then disengage and enjoy your Christmas.

Definately no option for us all to be together for Xmas. My DH and I are agreed that we do not want to bring any of my sister's drama into our home. We would have concerns about her mood, about the potential for her ex to show up etc. It's not worth the risk to us to ruin our children's christmas.

It is unfair on your dc, but then again compare your DC's lives to their cousins... they are the ones who I really pity in this mess, regardless of who gets to see the grandparents on Christmas day!
Arrange a Christmas activity with your parents on another day and feel glad that your nephews/nieces have your parents in their lives.

I agree that you (collectively) need to arrange activities with your DC and parents a bit more frequently, so that all the pressure isn't on Christmas. It totally sucks that your sister constantly hijacks your parents' attention and you and your children are neglected a bit. All I would say is to try not to take it personally, your parents know that you are okay and are focusing on the child that needs their support more. I bet the stress is awful for them.
As much as it's disappointing for your family not to have GPS visit at Christmas, I think your sister's children actually need the grandparents. For your own DC, having good visit at Christmas is a 'nice to have' but not essential to their well-being. It would be kind to put those kids first because their own parents haven't.

I don't think you'd be unreasonable but I don't think it will change anything
I would have to say something as it's impacting on your children, of course they'll be disappointed

You’re not unreasonable to feel sad and disappointed but I do think your parents are doing the right thing. Your nieces and nephews need them more right now as does your sister. I think you can tell your parents you are sad but plan special trips around Christmas with them instead.. it doesn’t all have to be the big day. Your kids won’t realise once hey are unwrapping presents who is around.
You sound an amazingly adjusted and wonderful mum by the way.

I completely understand why you feel disappointed and upset. It is unlikely that you can ever change the dynamic between your parents and sister, and so you have done the right thing and created a life for yourself without the drama.

Your parents (even if they are feeding it to some degree) do not really have this choice, it is their daughter and grandchildren, and although they are free to walk away, most could not do that to their own child. So they have to live with this, and all the drama and it must be incredibly stressful for them. I would find it hard to live like this, and I would be literally worried sick about all of them.

So with this in mind, you make this as easy as possible for them without compromising your own children. They are under five and may not even notice or remember your parents not being with them this christmas.

This is the moment when you do not allow your resentment to ruin your own children's christmas (it is bloody hard, but you must swallow it down because you will detest the situation even more if your children are affected by this because you could not control your feelings) Your children take their cue from you. So you turn this into something positively magical. Either organise a day out for all of you to and tell the children it is going to be even better this year. Or you recreate christmas at your house on another day (without any fuss) and tell the children they have TWO christmases instead of one this year.

You need to be upbeat and positive, and you show kindness to your poor parents who do not ask for this to happen, and you have a great christmas with your family. You will enjoy the extra time to play and have fun, rather than the catering for others on Christmas Day.

I am sorry to say your sister is in a pretty dire situation, and this calls for your big girl pants even if you don't feel especially inclined. Be the bigger person in all of this.

Thanks all for your kind and understanding responses.
I agree completely it's not the fault of my sister's children and in my parents shoes it would be hard not to do the same thing.
It just feels such a shame that after a lifetime of my parents having / having to have all their focus and resources placed onto my sister that now because of her my children will also miss out now.
I agree with the suggestions or trying to sort a day out. I've messaged my DM about it this morning but they can't commit to anything as they don't know yet what's happening with my dsis.
It's so frustrating :(

*did not ask for this to happen

Nothing is going to change, just your response to it.

Your DC are young enough to not care, so stop bigging up the visit or telling them that GP's are visiting. They are only responding to what you tell them. They are too young to be interested.

They will forget and focus on something else if you don't talk about them.

Thank you Oly4 that's so kind of you to say. I am really trying to battle the bitterness and you are all helping by keeping me reminded of the bigger picture x