If I make an issue out of parents not coming for Christmas?

[Justwantapeacefullife]

So a little bit of backstory: I've been NC with my sister now for a good few years. She is not a nice person.

She has always been in trouble one way or another and my parents have pandered to her. She lived with them until she got pregnant at 30 and then moved in with her boyfriend.

DS and her DP are both alcoholics. They now have 2 DC who are on a child protection plan following violence between the adults and numerous occasions of police being called. My parents have provided support, babysitting and money through all the drama. My DS and her DC even lived with them for a while during the time the child protection plan required that the children could only be with one parent at any one time.

Meanwhile my parents see my 2 DC 2 -3 times a year (we live about 40 minutes away). One of these is Christmas and my DC really look forward to having them there - my DC are still both under 5 and all the magic still exists for them :)

Coming to this year, my DS and her DP have now seperated following yet another violent drunken incident between them. My DS is being moved into some accommodated with the DC - or at least is hopeful this will happen in the next couple weeks if not they will to go to live with my parents.

Now my parents want to stay with her for Christmas, worried she will be on her own with the DC. This is a fair point as through her own doing she has no friends and is NC with me and our all our cousin's.

But my parents have promised my children months ago they would be there for Christmas. They will be sad if my parents don't come and I'm annoyed at them for feeling it's ok to let them down. I'm also a bit resentful myself that yet again my DS through her own making is in a mess and my parents are dropping everything to pander to her.

I'm of course torn as Im sure it would be better for her DC to have my parents around for Christmas but it makes me so frustrated that my kids have to be disappointed through no fault of their own.

I would he unreasonable to make a fuss though wouldn't I??

YABU. There are two children here, who through no fault of their own are being brought up in a chaotic and difficult environment - and you are worried that your children (who seem cared for and loved by you) might be upset because their grandparents are trying to offer support and stability to their cousins.
These are your neice/nephew and for them to have any chance of escaping the fall out from this adverse childhood - they need every adult possible supporting them. More than that, they need to feel part of a wider family and support network - and that means you thinking about how you can support and facilitate a relationship between the cousins - even if that does mean letting your sister into your life. (there are ways of doing this, whilst still setting boundarys)
As to how you explain it to your children. You tell them the truth. That their cousins need their grandparents more than they do right now (in an age appropriate fashion obs) and therefore teach your children the value of empathy and understanding others situations.
Regardless of anything in the past regarding sibling rivalry and perceived injustice at being treated differently by your parents - the only focus here should be how to protect those children and make them feel part of a wider family/community.

I don't mean to be harsh, and I know too well how difficult family relationships can be, but please don't lose sight of your neice/nephews needs, both at Christmas (which is pretty trivial in grand scheme) and in the future.

Its sad for the children but its also understandable that she wants to be there for her daughter who needs her (even if she is polishing her halo). Don't expect too much from now on and just let her know the children were looking forward to seeing their Grandparents and they should let you know when they were available. Then leave it to them, you can't change their priorities.

Some people are just bad. And shit at life. Unfortunately your sister is one of them.

The reality is you still probably want some form of relationship with them but your sister is like a parasite and is draining everything they have to give.

That's really unfair for you.
But unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it.

I would have zero expectations of them.

You could try the idea that maybe your mum goes to your sister and your dad comes to you.

But I would tell them that they are not to discuss future plans to your children again if they are always going to prioritise their other grandchildren.

I know your sister seems to suck out the energy and time from your parents, but you don't actually need them for much op. A few token visits maybe all it would have been with or without your sister in the frame.

Some parents are not very engaged once their adult children have their own lives and families. They are just not terribly interested sadly. It is disappointing to be on the receiving end of a disengaged family. I wonder if you feel sad that they make so little effort, and blame your sister for this, when in fact they wouldn't make much effort anyway regardless?

The little they do offer is snapped up by your sister, but what stops you seeing them more often anyway?
I notice you said you only see them a few times a year normally, so not very often in any case.

You are already very independent, so maybe it is time to be truly emotionally independent, by lowering your (admittedly low already) expectations to zero, and then whenever they are able to come it is a bonus?

I have had to do this with my own parents, and it frees up a lot of emotional head space! Zero expectation = zero disappointment.

Your parents need to be with your sister this year, perhaps suggest a date after christmas, so your children have something to look forward to and your dp are more likely to be able to confirm.

Be at peace with the idea a get together may not even happen at all, and pledge to have the best christmas ever anyway. You can not get those special christmases with very young children back, so don't let it spoil a second of christmas for you.

If your mum is only 40 minutes drive away wont don't you go there more often so she can see her other Grandchildren? It doesn't need to be 3 or 4 times a year you see each other.

Your mother will always feel protective of your sister no matter how much she has messed up. The children are the losers here and your mother is right to prioritise them. You are ok. Naturally you are agrieved for your children, but fast forward to a world in which one of your children is doing ok and the other one is in need? See them after Christmas or before, this whole rubbish about it having to be on THE DAY gets my goat and causes so many family problems. I wouldnt be too optimistic about those childrens future, she is doing the right thing

I second the fact your nephews and nieces are in a dire place, and whatever you can do to support them is the best course of action, even from a distance there are still things you can do.

I’m sure your sister is as nasty as you say she is . And your are NC for all the right reasons . There’s lot of resentment there from you obviously - both to DS and your parents for their apparent over investment in her life . It’s a bit spiteful to refer to her being able to polish her halo ... you love your own DC and I bet if one of them needed extra help you would give it ? As much as you feel that your own DC are being passed over surely you can see the bigger picture in all this ? Your sister is in the grip of a serious disease in her alcoholism and your parents are desperately trying to salvage and support her and their other GC .
I’d focus on making an extra special Christmas for your DC rather than focus on their disappointment at not seeing their GPs at Christmas . If they are old enough to understand that their cousins would be very unhappy otherwise and their turn will come I’d take that line . You’ll be fostering resilience in them that way. If they are younger they’ll accept it anyway . As you are only 40 minutes away from your parents surely they and you can meet halfway and enjoy a meal and a day out together ?

The Op said they are heavy smokers so she doesn't want to take the kids to the house Nicky

Is there any reason you can't just visit for the day without staying over since it's only a 40 min drive away. Literally turn up, stay for a meal/go out for a meal for a few hours and then go home. You feel that you are way down the list for your parents' time/attention whereas they feel ragged - running around supporting your sister and her chaotic life. Put yourself in their shoes - what would you do? Cast your sisier aside?

Can I suggest you arrange to do something christmassy close to your Dsis house and then tell your parents when and where you are going. Tell them that they are welcome to join you with the other GC (but not DSis) and say they can decide at the last minute if it works for them. That way there is no pressure, but a chance you will see the GP and the cousins and all the dc will have a nice christmassy time. Maybe even offer to pay for the cousins as an extra incentive. If you are worried that Dsis will gatecrash then ask your parents to just say they are taking the GC out and not mention you will be there too.

I was the equivalent of your sisters children in the 90's.
I am eternally grateful my grandparents stepped in at Christmas so that we actually got a Christmas dinner (or any dinner at all) and that my mother's siblings could put aside their feelings for her for one day so that we all got a few pressies to open and a chance to play with our cousins.

I’ve recently lost my second parent unexpectedly. I’m only 28 and now have no living parents.

Their behaviour isn’t great, but I think you just need to accept how they are being and either go along with it/ plan something else with them and just let it go.

Or cut contact with them.

Life is too short.

You come last OP, I'm sorry for that, it's nothing you've done, but your parents are always going to put your sister first. I'd work on lowering your expectations even more, building other relationships for your children and maybe consider a trip to the stately homes thread.

Don't make a fuss, let them know that your kids are disappointed and organise something nice for you all to do.

Its shit and you are right to be annoyed, not a lot you can do though.

You've had lots of good thoughts re family relationships. The only thing I can add that might help stop resentment building is to plan a Christmas (or whatever) trip with your kids and inform your parents that "on x day at y time we'll be in z place. The kids would love you to join us, if you can." Then YOU go and YOU enjoy the day and it's a bonus if they're there, but it stops the resentment of missing out because you're constantly waiting for your DS next drama to scupper plans.

Have you ever wondered why your sister is an alcoholic? She probably has mental health problems. Do you think she's a horrible person just because she's an addict?

Your DC are little enough to take their lead from you. If you tell them it’s sad that their grandparents aren’t coming they will believe you and feel sad accordingly. Instead tell them that you’ve decided to have an extra special Christmas this year with just Mummy, Daddy and them. Invent some new treat or tradition that can only happen on these extra special Christmases (matching sweaters or pjs for all the family or a special picnic tea in front of the telly or fancy bubble baths, anything that they haven’t done before and will find exciting) and then focus on that and the extra special Christmas that’s coming up for them. As you say, they are little enough to still feel the magic of Christmas and will accept any new, exciting development as part of that magic.

@Justwantapeacefullife - maybe not at Christmas but is there any chance your DP, the little cousins and you and your DC could meet somewhere fun so the children can establish a relationship? Seems sad the dc don’t get a chance to grow up together. Obviously your DS would have to be okay with it...
Re Christmas i understand why you feel this way. If they can’t do the 25th, then I’d suggest making plans with them for 24th or 26th!

I hear you, my DB was an alcoholic and everything revolves around him and his needs. I was a PT working mum with little money, yet was nagged to buy him clothes, toiletries etc.

It made me more resentful to him.

But when his children were involved I let it go, they'd suffered so much and I needed to remember that.

I feel for you OP, it's tough.

My brother relied so heavily on my mum, he was NC with the rest of the family, that when she died I said he will be gone within a year, he lasted 14 months in fact. A dreadful waste of a young life, but he's at peace now, no more demon drink.

When they say that drink wrecks families, they mean the entire wider family also.

OP, of course you have every right to feel disappointed.

I definitely think if your parents don't come, that you should gently ask them not to commit to something with the children again.
It's perfectly reasonable for you to want to protect your children.

Re your parents. It sounds like they have had a lifetime of stress and worry with your sister.
I would not like their lives.

They must be exhausted, constantly witnessing the mayhem of her life and grandchildren being collateral damage in it all.

Whilst you sound great, but rightly irritated.......

Your parents sound as if the have it very tough, with very little peace in their lives as they grow older.

They are trying to do their best.

I bet they would love to be able to have a relaxing Christmas with you, but they feel obligated to step in again.

💐

Your sister is one huge screw up of her own making, yet time and time again your parents bend over backwards for her. While not bothering with you and your dc.

I guess it’s a case of them thinking your the sorted ok child and the screw up needs them more. It’s no way to parent but it is how it is, all the time your sister is a fucking mess your never be your parents priority.

YANBU and I’d feel pissed off too but ultimately nothing you can do. I would however be telling my parents that my children will be upset not to see them and it’s so rarely they get to see them.

I read the broader issue is your DM can have control over your Dsis life, for her you are probably too independent. What a shame they are missing out on their grandkids growing up, but as you say if they smoke then it’s probably safer to limit contact especially if their house is a mess too, it sounds like the Royles. If I were you I would have Christmas at yours and make a fuss over the kids and let your parents get on with the hamster wheel of a sister.

Thanks everyone.

As I've said, visiting their home with my DC is not an option. It's very full of cigarette smoke and filthy dirty. We don't expect them to always make the trip to us though, as I said we will offer to take them for a meal near to them instead.

Maintaining a relationship with my sister's children really isn't possible. I send presents for them at birthdays and Christmas but I don't put names on. I also set up savings accounts for them when they were born and continue to pay into these regularly so they will have something when they are ready to leave home. buy they were little enough when we went NC that they won't remember me and I can't see any good coming from them seeing us sporadically. They have enough disruption in their lives it would just be confusing. We have considered contacting social services so that they know we are available to have the children, but I have my own two to think of and they come first. I really don't want to bring violence and disruption to my doorstep. I'm sorry if that sounds heartless but it's a decision that is fixed, not one that was easy though.

To the poster that suggested I think my sister is a bad person because she is an alcoholic that's not the case. She has been a horrible person since we were children. she has spent her whole life lying, stealing, being violent and rude. I think if she had been held to account instead of being bailed out earlier in life things may have been different, but no one can know.

Her whole 20's I did my best to help her turn things around. I offered her a place to live in my own home, a job, I lent her money many times but it was always thrown back in my face and my low tolerance for her poor behaviour meant she soon went back to my parents where it was more tolerated.

I left home myself at 16 as I literally couldn't stand being under the same roof as her, but it wasn't until my own children arrived that and she became really vile that I made the choice to cut her out of my life. I have no regret for that at all, it was a good choice.

You know you have done everything you can, growing up in the house must have been distressing 16 year olds rarely leave home because they are happy.your family was always like this and it is never going to change not [feven for your children which is a bloody shame.