If I make an issue out of parents not coming for Christmas?

[Justwantapeacefullife]

So a little bit of backstory: I've been NC with my sister now for a good few years. She is not a nice person.

She has always been in trouble one way or another and my parents have pandered to her. She lived with them until she got pregnant at 30 and then moved in with her boyfriend.

DS and her DP are both alcoholics. They now have 2 DC who are on a child protection plan following violence between the adults and numerous occasions of police being called. My parents have provided support, babysitting and money through all the drama. My DS and her DC even lived with them for a while during the time the child protection plan required that the children could only be with one parent at any one time.

Meanwhile my parents see my 2 DC 2 -3 times a year (we live about 40 minutes away). One of these is Christmas and my DC really look forward to having them there - my DC are still both under 5 and all the magic still exists for them :)

Coming to this year, my DS and her DP have now seperated following yet another violent drunken incident between them. My DS is being moved into some accommodated with the DC - or at least is hopeful this will happen in the next couple weeks if not they will to go to live with my parents.

Now my parents want to stay with her for Christmas, worried she will be on her own with the DC. This is a fair point as through her own doing she has no friends and is NC with me and our all our cousin's.

But my parents have promised my children months ago they would be there for Christmas. They will be sad if my parents don't come and I'm annoyed at them for feeling it's ok to let them down. I'm also a bit resentful myself that yet again my DS through her own making is in a mess and my parents are dropping everything to pander to her.

I'm of course torn as Im sure it would be better for her DC to have my parents around for Christmas but it makes me so frustrated that my kids have to be disappointed through no fault of their own.

I would he unreasonable to make a fuss though wouldn't I??

You are right mrsjayy. I think I just need to have a word with myself really!

I am very lucky to have a lovely settled home life and two very happy and very loved children. I have lots of friends and feel well loved but there is just something about these disappointments with my parents that still feels like a knife to the gut. I never speak up with them, mostly because I don't want them to feel under pressure from both directions and I don't suppose speaking up now would really help.
Just have to be greatful for what I have I think

I think it is totally normal to feel sad and upset about the lack of interest in your family try and not dwell on it too much though.

Can you have a special Christmas lunch and time early with your parents, that's what we have done when going away at Christmas time. Or can they come over New Year?

I agree, think you are feeling sad and the children feeding into that. Understand how you feel as your sister's emotional needs are prob like a black hole. Feel for you and your parents very much.

Hepsibar I've reached out to DM today to see if we can organise something around Christmas but they can't commit to anything at the moment because they are waiting to hear what's happening with dsis housing :(

OP well done for thinking so hard about it. Since Christmas Day is Tuesday this year, could you take your Ps out for Sunday lunch or tea? Don't tell your DC about it until it's confirmed. Sorry if you've already said, but is it you being disappointed by your DPs or will your DC really be sad?

The sad reality is that your while your children want to see their grandparents more and at Christmas, your nieces/nephews actually need them. Their home lives are chaotic; your children's aren't. Try to be thankful for that and hope that your parents can be the stable adults in their lives that they desperately need.

Leave it a couple of weeks and ask again.

Crosstalk Christmas is a Wednesday I wouldn't want you being a day early

My youngest DC wont really fuss. He would be excited to see them but it wouldn't ruin his day for them not to he there (and it's hi is birthday at Christmas too!)
The oldest DC is more sensitive. They've been on and on about who is coming at Christmas for months. He made a little invitation card in September and everything! So for him it's a big deal. My parents responded to his invite confirming their attendance and he has that pinned to his board in his room.
I'm sure it isn't going to ruin his Christmas for them not to be there but he will be disappointed.

Aww bless him . Pp have said say to your parents not to make them promises in future.

Do that*

You and your children have every right to feel disappointed. It is just that this year your sister's children need them more.

Would arrange something now - for now, so you can see them before any decisions need making - let your parents know that you WANT to see them - not just because it is Christmas.

You could use the meet up to let them know that you will support their choices no matter what, and that if there is anything they need, to help with the whole sorry situation, you are there.

OP
I am so sorry you did not get the family you deserve

Yanbu- however, your feelings about this situation won't make it change.

1. Your parents' home is full of smoke- how can they want the best for their kids and gk with such a health hazard?
2. Your sister was horrible to you since you were kids but your parents never told her to cut it off.

Are you the scapegoat and she is the golden child? That what it sounds like to me

1. Your parents have enabled your sister all their lives, since you were a little kid. It will never end and it will continue with her children.

You and your family is only a bleep in the radar, never a priority

1. I bet your parents played a hand in your sister being an alcoholic. These addictions do not haooen in a vacuum

Please stop chasing them. Your parents and sister are not healthy individuals. You must protect your kids from harmful influences, yes, including those with DNA links.

Drop the rope. Stop creating the one way effort of the illusion of happy family with your parents.

Do something extra fun this Christmas. Kids will adjust.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable to be hurt and upset, by I think the problems is more your mum than your sister.

She has almost put you in competition with each other, somethings gone wrong with your sister somewhere along the line, and your mum is right to support her but not at the expensive of your relationship with her.

You mum is more than capable of arranging or commiting to coming round and seeing her grandchildren but she not able too for some reason

She’s gives your sister as a reason. However your mum is more than able to make her own choices and spare a day ( assuming that she doesn’t live with dais?) to spend with you.

I wonder if your mums likes a drama and you need to lay more responsibility with your mum for your relationship rather than sis

Your poor ds, see here you mum is making the choice (not your dsis) you mum could easily spend half the day with each of you.

I was planning to come on and say the other grandkids need them more and it's ok to feeldisappointedvut they have no choice but then you said they wont even commit to an alternative Christmas outing, just an hour or two, and now I am angry on your behalf. That's disgraceful! I think it's time you told them how you feel then cut them off too if they dont change. I am so sorry you have to deal with this.

I would agree my mum does enjoy the drama.
I don't feel like I've been made a scapegoat in all honesty, or that my sister made the golden child. But I do think there are more issues going on.
My DM was the younger sibling, as my dsis is, and always felt (wrongly) that her dsis was the favourite. She quite openly tried to ensure that my dsis didn't feel the same way but I do think that's been at the expense of my relationship with my DM.
Whenever my Dsis was in bother (a lot) DM had always had an excuse ready be it that she struggles to make friends because she is shy, she couldn't do so well at school because she was as always compared to me, she couldn't manage motherhood so well because she doesn't have any money, she couldnt earn better because she isn't so confident in in interviews and on and on this way her whole life.
I've been quite successful in life, and not needed my parents really though we've always maintained a pleasant relationship.
My dsis on the other hand...!

Sounds like my mum and Sister my Sister hasn't been as bad as yours but mum has every excuse under the sun for her entitled behaviour,

I am in a similar position to you op, but without the car crash sibling (my sibling is doing very well) however my mother has always, and will always prioritise him over all else. He will always come first, his children will always come first.

It was on MN many years ago when I realised the dynamic of the narc mother and the black sheep and golden child relationship, and how damaging it is to be the one always having their emotional needs sidelined deliberately or by accident or both.

The only thing that worked for me was going very low contact in the end, you seem to have done the same, but christmases, easters and birthdays always hurt because they highlight the lack of love you feel from your own family.

I too have set up a great life, with lots of people that love me, but there is always a part of me that wishes I had a 'normal' family that really loved me.

Your parents are playing you against each other, and the only way of a game like that is to refuse to participate, and do what you have done and distance yourself. Maybe it is time now to say we won't be seeing you this christmas, and removing the carrot they are dangling altogether. Seeing them is not the be all and end all, and for all of your sakes I would be thinking ahead how you can prevent these types of occasions from hurting your own children.

We go away for birthdays and easters, and pack Christmas out with friends that we love (and family members that are unrelated) we have built new traditions, have a party, invite your best friends for christmas lunch and do what you can to stop relying on them in any way at all.

You can only win with distance and indifference to their manipulation.

Bullet proof your kids against their toxic game playing by shielding them from false promises. We bought a puppy (well researched and planned for, from a good solid breeder) for christmas day to replace my kids' GPs and it was the best thing we ever did! The puppy has never let them down, it was such a wonderful surprise it eclipsed all talk of where GPs were that christmas, and has given us six years of happiness every day.

I strongly recommend very low contact and planning special events without them from now on.

(your sister's situation is just the side show for a much more deeply problematic family issue which is why you are so upset)

I think it's about time you did make a fuss, and tell them that although you've learnt to deal with them letting you down, it's not on for them to let your children down. Tell them they're not to promise anything to your children, as they know the likelyhood is they won't follow through, and that also to not even commit to doing something with their GC for even one afternoon, shows they care little for them. If they insist they do care for your children, then they will damn well arrange something, and stick to it!

I think it's time to go LC with your parents. Better for your children to not see them at all, than to continually be let down by them.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Your sister will always be taker. She is never going to get better.

So when your mother eventually gives everything she can and is one day to old or frail to give anymore she be deluded to believe your sister will repay her debt.
She will continue to stomp her feet and hold out her hand. And that will be when your mum starts doing the same to you.

She will then expect her strong and put together daughter to pick up the pieces of everyone!
Do not fall into the trap.

Do not be so desperate for the affection and love they should give freely that you then become their slave.

Hi OP, I just came on to say you are not unreasonable to expect your parents to be good grandparents. What has helped me a lot in life is learning that I cannot change other people, I can only change how I react to them.

So, now that you know they will not be there for Christmas, prepare your sensitive child and plan some event to go to with friends to take the place of being with the grandparents. Also, many children grow up without grandparents and they survive (I did!!!).

Enjoy what you have a lovely little family of your own and leave the car crash people to themselves. And you are not being selfish regarding your sister's children - we have had involvement as volunteers with fostering over the years and messy family situations do not get better over time.

If they want to be with your sister then isn't that the decision made & housing doesn't come into it?

I would think that the bigger thing is that there seems to be little/no effort on their part to see you & the kids.

I'd be stepping back.

Why will your kids be disappointed though?

If they were told months ago, won't they have forgotten?

You come from a very dysfunctional family.

You are the “capable” one who needs no help.

Your sister has been indulged all her life, and never been shown how to stand on her own two feet. Sounds like she deserves your pity more than anything (but stay NC for sanity purposes).

Your parents have a lot to answer for. They’re heavy smokers and live in squalor, so not healthy people.

You’d do well to drop all expectations and keep your distance.

For what it’s worth, I’ve never managed to sort myself out, and my older brothers are REALLY angry with me, even though my life has zero effect on them. It’s safer for them to be angry with me than to look at our parents and see how massively they fucked up with our shitty upbringing.

heavy that was a very considered post from the other perspective.