If I make an issue out of parents not coming for Christmas?

[Justwantapeacefullife]

So a little bit of backstory: I've been NC with my sister now for a good few years. She is not a nice person.

She has always been in trouble one way or another and my parents have pandered to her. She lived with them until she got pregnant at 30 and then moved in with her boyfriend.

DS and her DP are both alcoholics. They now have 2 DC who are on a child protection plan following violence between the adults and numerous occasions of police being called. My parents have provided support, babysitting and money through all the drama. My DS and her DC even lived with them for a while during the time the child protection plan required that the children could only be with one parent at any one time.

Meanwhile my parents see my 2 DC 2 -3 times a year (we live about 40 minutes away). One of these is Christmas and my DC really look forward to having them there - my DC are still both under 5 and all the magic still exists for them :)

Coming to this year, my DS and her DP have now seperated following yet another violent drunken incident between them. My DS is being moved into some accommodated with the DC - or at least is hopeful this will happen in the next couple weeks if not they will to go to live with my parents.

Now my parents want to stay with her for Christmas, worried she will be on her own with the DC. This is a fair point as through her own doing she has no friends and is NC with me and our all our cousin's.

But my parents have promised my children months ago they would be there for Christmas. They will be sad if my parents don't come and I'm annoyed at them for feeling it's ok to let them down. I'm also a bit resentful myself that yet again my DS through her own making is in a mess and my parents are dropping everything to pander to her.

I'm of course torn as Im sure it would be better for her DC to have my parents around for Christmas but it makes me so frustrated that my kids have to be disappointed through no fault of their own.

I would he unreasonable to make a fuss though wouldn't I??

I think you know that realistically your DS's children need your parents more and so there is not much value in making a fuss.

I do think though that it would be reasonable to (calmly) tell your parents that in light of this situation (and the anticipated disappointment to your DC) it would be better for them not to make any promises to your DC about their attendance at events going forward.

It seems to me that it would be better for your DC not to have much in the way of expectation when it comes to your DP. I appreciate that's very sad but it might be best all round.

@Considermesometimes
Wise post at 13.42👍

Heavy thanks for your perspective and I'm sorry your brothers are angry. For what it's worth I'm not angry with my sister, and it wasn't her choice of how to live her life that made me cut ties with her. It was her poor behaviour towards me directly that made me finally cut ties, I already knew she wasn't a good person which helped make the decision.
Sunshine yes I think I will have to set their expectation differently. It's a tough one because I have never wanted my feelings to jade my children's view of their grandparents.
I had a wonderful relationship with my grandparents even though my mother always felt they had really wronged her and I didn't want to deny my children the opportunity to have that

We all come to the realisation sooner or later than the gift of grandparents is not always a good thing, and in some cases downright harmful. You are not helping your children by exposing them to your parents false promises and indifference, you are simply teaching them that it is okay for family to treat you badly.

Avoiding the heart of the issue is why you blame your sister, her life is falling apart but you still choose to direct your misplaced anger towards her. Your parents are solely responsible for how often or how little they choose to see you, blaming others will not help anyone.

Look long and hard at the past, and then consider the message your children are receiving and then decide if it is worth it? I suspect not, because the price will be your children's self esteem.

Thanks considerme. You are right my children are probably better off without with my parents, and I think I've always known that which is why we don't see them too often.

I don't think my anger is misplaced, I'm not angry with my sister anymore I am quite indifferent and fully agree it's my parents choice how and when to see my children. I just try to understand that they must feel my sister and her children have a bigger need due her messed up life

Surely you can still make arrangements to have some festive activities with your parents and DC ?

I understand that you feel upset that your plans for Xmas have to change due to circumstances beyond your or your parents control. However I don't think 'making a fuss' is going to do anything other than upset your parents more as well as yourself.
I'm sure your parents feel awful about what is happening in your sisters life and are desperate to make sure both she and her DC have a nice Xmas, and I'm also sure they would rather it wasn't happening and they felt able to come to yours for Xmas as was planned.
They will feel pulled in all directions if you make a fuss as they will want nothing more than to see BOTH their DC and DGC at Xmas, regardless of the history, but they can't please everyone when there is NC between siblings ( which is also not your parents fault, but they're having to deal with things as they are, not as they'd like them to be).
I'd be offering my support and suggesting some festive trips etc which they can join you and your DC ( and maybe your niece/nephew?)to celebrate Xmas eg to see Santa or see the Xmas lights or decorate your Xmas tree rather than dwelling on things you can't change.
I hope you all have a lovely Xmas. x

I can see your side totally and how frustrating it must be, but if it was your child would you leave them to be alone on Christmas? I couldn’t do that to one of my children even if it was their own mess!

I think your assessment that they are drawn towards your sister because they are 'fuelled' by all the drama that's going on is the right one.
I would say be realistic about the long-term prognosis here, your parents have a vested interest in enabling your sister's dysfunction because they are getting something out of it.
Probably the best thing is to protect yourself and retreat to a safe distance.