To feel DH being selfish for not wanting to move if we have a baby?

[Poorboy136]

In as quick a post as possible I have posted something similar in the past but I’m still in a pickle as of what to do and looking for advice from an outsider perspective... I’ve changed some aspects of the info as I know I have friends etc on her and he has family members that love this site.

-Met DH 5 years ago agreed I’d have a child with him (I’ve got a 12 and a 7 year old from previous marriage and have a great relationship with their dad. All very amicable)

-DH can be selfish although he fails to see this unless it’s pointed out. He worked on an oil rig for years so I’m his first serious relationship. An only child so always had things his own way.

• Try’s to control money and tries to ‘advise’ me that we shouldn’t be spending too much as it’s eg...Christmas (just for info we have about £25,000 in our savings so I don’t feel he should tell me what’s acceptable to spend money on- it’s not as if we haven’t got anything to pay the mortgage with this month.... ‘advises’ me to go to the cheapest supermarket etc as he’s a total tight arse.

• He is over the top when it comes to cleaning and I sometimes feel like I’m in an army barracks and the head soldier is coming in to check everything is in order!

• I do love him and he has good qualities but he’s hard work and again I think it cones down to him being selfish and it’s his way all the time.

• I’m happy to have a baby with him but I feel for it to work well we would need to move to Newcastle. We currently live in Hexham and I commute each day to take my children to school about 40 mins away. He’s from Hexham and wants to stay here.

• I’m not prepared to move my DC schools. I feel if we moved closer to Newcastle it would be easier for me as I wouldn’t have to commute. I’ve tried bringing it up but I’ve been shot down twice and he says “You said at the beginning that you’d move here. I don’t want to move, I’m done with living away.”

I feel like he’s holding me to ransom. He’s hard work to live with and having a baby as much as it’s wonderful, any cracks in a relationship will end up crators. When I said yes at the beginning I didn’t know how selfish he is.

• We have no support here at all. We wouldn’t need support in N’castle as I’d be close to DC school etc...

I’m not necessarily asking what I should do. I’m asking whether I’m being the one being unreasonable or is it him? He makes it sound like he’s in the army and it’s my issue but he’s not in the army. He just doesn’t want to move....

He’s wanting to try now and I just think you selfish man....

Most people do what they can to make the best life for their kids.
Except, sadly, what you’ve done is made the best life for your second husband, not your kids.
No ones trying to attack you OP but you seem to be backing away very fast from your OP when the general responses weren’t ‘he’s amazing, you’re amazing, everything’s fine’.
Go to him and tell him you’re concerned about the effect the commute is having on your kids and see what he says. I’d be very interested to hear his response.

If you're leaning towards staying with him, despite the fact that you sound quite incompatible and you seem to be jumping up and down, trying to keep him sweet, then do, please stick by your resolve not to have a baby with him. Not just because Hexham to Newcastle is a hell of a slog with a baby in the car but because he doesn't sound prepared to be a father in anything but name.

@ThatsNotMyMeerkat

The reason I moved was that the alternative of living in a rubbish area on my own, probably not able to afford a car, having to either move my kids schools or doing the same commute time as now, but on a couple of buses, just felt like a really bad idea. At the time it felt like a good idea.

He has got a descent job with a good wage and because of that my DC get access to better things (not going in to details in here). DC is flying at school and is in higher ability for everything so I don’t believe it’s been a bad move originally.

Things are changing now though and people have valid points about her wanting to see her friends etc... I also didn’t realise how selfish he would be. The saying you don’t know someone until you live with them rings true.

He isn’t all bad but my/our needs have changed.

Why would you settle for this? Why not find someone who accepts you for who you are, mess chaos and N&S puddings and all...

I would be blunt.

You are too selfish for me to have a child with. Me and the DC would be much happier living in Newcastle but you won't entertain it. Your needs alone are more important to you than us 3. Parenthood just doesn't work like that.

Somehow you need to start saving ££ so if you need then you can move on your own.

A 40 minute each way commute for a 7 yr old? I'd move just because of that.

Content yourself with the 2 children you already have and ditch this guy. It sounds like your only reason to stay is financial. Stand on your own feet and you will have more self respect.

OP, your getting the same replies on this thread, as you did on your other.

You keep ignoring the question about how he is towards your children.

Also, how would he be with a high needs baby?

On your last thread he saw no reason why you couldn't be up and taking your children to school, straight after birth.

Aren't you coming to an age were pregnancy wouldn't necessarily happen, anyway?

As said on your other thread, do not get pregnant.

3rd option 100%

Move to Newcastle and take care of your kids that you already have. If he loves you, he will come. If he doesn't come then no big loss.

OP you seem to want to read supportive threads telling you it will all work out. Maybe that's why you have taken such umbrage at MerryOldGoat whose post just seemed to show a level of frustration at your denial. I thought her post was reasonable- not profanity laden aggression.

FWIW my DH is the only child of only children, and he would not dream of being like this as I am not his servant. If I spent 100quid on a dessert, he would probably say "I hope it's lovely for that money' but would laugh. I do not fritter money away, nor does he, but we are a partnership and do what is best for us and our kids, and that involves decent food, a degree of mess (toys on floor etc).

Your H sounds way too controlling.

@DemiGorgon

Thank you - I genuinely appreciate your supportive comment.

@DemiGorgon

As the person receiving it, I did feel like the other poster was OTT with he blunt and swearing response. Plenty of other people have said similar but not with the underlying tone. Normally wouldn’t care but the irony was too much.

I was not asking whether moving in the first place was ok. I made that decision based on the circumstances I had at the time. The whole ‘you moved there your selfish’ is unfounded based on the limited info I had given. It seems to me that she has a problem with second relationships and extra children in general, due to her own experiences.

It distracts from my original reason for posting and whether he is being fair still expecting me to do the journey now his course is finished etc...

Anyway I appreciate what you were trying to say