To feel DH being selfish for not wanting to move if we have a baby?

[Poorboy136]

In as quick a post as possible I have posted something similar in the past but I’m still in a pickle as of what to do and looking for advice from an outsider perspective... I’ve changed some aspects of the info as I know I have friends etc on her and he has family members that love this site.

-Met DH 5 years ago agreed I’d have a child with him (I’ve got a 12 and a 7 year old from previous marriage and have a great relationship with their dad. All very amicable)

-DH can be selfish although he fails to see this unless it’s pointed out. He worked on an oil rig for years so I’m his first serious relationship. An only child so always had things his own way.

• Try’s to control money and tries to ‘advise’ me that we shouldn’t be spending too much as it’s eg...Christmas (just for info we have about £25,000 in our savings so I don’t feel he should tell me what’s acceptable to spend money on- it’s not as if we haven’t got anything to pay the mortgage with this month.... ‘advises’ me to go to the cheapest supermarket etc as he’s a total tight arse.

• He is over the top when it comes to cleaning and I sometimes feel like I’m in an army barracks and the head soldier is coming in to check everything is in order!

• I do love him and he has good qualities but he’s hard work and again I think it cones down to him being selfish and it’s his way all the time.

• I’m happy to have a baby with him but I feel for it to work well we would need to move to Newcastle. We currently live in Hexham and I commute each day to take my children to school about 40 mins away. He’s from Hexham and wants to stay here.

• I’m not prepared to move my DC schools. I feel if we moved closer to Newcastle it would be easier for me as I wouldn’t have to commute. I’ve tried bringing it up but I’ve been shot down twice and he says “You said at the beginning that you’d move here. I don’t want to move, I’m done with living away.”

I feel like he’s holding me to ransom. He’s hard work to live with and having a baby as much as it’s wonderful, any cracks in a relationship will end up crators. When I said yes at the beginning I didn’t know how selfish he is.

• We have no support here at all. We wouldn’t need support in N’castle as I’d be close to DC school etc...

I’m not necessarily asking what I should do. I’m asking whether I’m being the one being unreasonable or is it him? He makes it sound like he’s in the army and it’s my issue but he’s not in the army. He just doesn’t want to move....

He’s wanting to try now and I just think you selfish man....

You’re other children are lovely ages, enjoy time to do something else.
Don’t have a baby with this man, he’s not a good investment OP

Do NOT have a baby with this man.

And really - look at what you've written in your OP. Look at it as if it is the life of a stranger. Would you advise this woman to continue this one-sided relationship at all?

The man you describe is not capable of having an equal relationship. He expects his wife to service him. To meet his needs and wants. He does not expect his wife to have any needs and wants of her own.

Get out. Get out now.

Do you really really want to be with someone who is so controlling ands it’s his way or no way?

I would be seriously thinking about leaving, he’s no example to your children, and I bet they are afraid of him if he is like you say

I think you forgot a third option

“Wave goodbye to the selfish man and move yourself and your kids back to Newcastle.”

It’s unbelievable that he thinks it completely reasonable for you and your kids to make the 40 minute journey to school every morning and back again just because he doesn’t want to leave his home town. And it’s only going to get worse as your kids get older - when they’re teenagers they’ll be hugely restricted in terms of being able to meet up with their friends if they live 40 mins away. You’ll end up as a taxi service or they’ll miss out. In fact I was you I’d be concerned they will end up wanting to spend every weekend at their Dads or move in with him once they’re teens and in the phase where their friendships suddenly feel more important than family relationships. You’re putting your partner before your children here making his life cushy whilst you and your kids have to compromise.

He’s hard work to live with and having a baby as much as it’s wonderful, any cracks in a relationship will end up crators. When I said yes at the beginning I didn’t know how selfish he is

The older he gets the worse he will get.

Run now.

‘advises’ me to go to the cheapest supermarket etc as he’s a total tight arse.
He is over the top when it comes to cleaning and I sometimes feel like I’m in an army barracks and the head soldier is coming in to check everything is in order!

Does he ever do any shopping & cleaning, or just bark out orders & expect you to jump?

Are you seriously considering having a baby with a man who thinks it's ok to make you drive 40 minutes (each way?!) to school twice daily? Who feels that's a fair thing to do to your kids?

Why do you think he is happier with you away from your support network & the kids further from their dad?

Why does he feel his wish to live in Hexham trumps 3 other people's need to live near Newcastle? How is his happiness more important than 3 other people's?

Above all - please read @Poppinjay's post again & again.

You have saddled yourself with a selfish controlling domestic tyrant who would love to have you pregnant & dependent on him while he calls the ALL the shots. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life shackled to a man who doesn;t give a shit about what is best for your kids, or you, & who is going to give you a daily fucking barracks inspection to make sure your housekeeping service is up to scratch?

Just another voice saying fgs DON'T have a child with this controlling and financially coercive man. Just imagine being on reduced pay during maternity leave with him in charge of the purse strings...

He's selfish to the core. This has nothing whatsoever to do him with being an 'only child'; it's just the way he is and as a previous pp has said, he'll get worse as time goes by,

Or your third choice, dump him and find a new partner

Move to Newcastle. If he won't move with you and your children , wave bye bye.

Put them first.

3rd choice - have a.child with someone else who doesn't inspect the house, isnt tight and doesnt try to control you.

And reading on, just say bye bye. You're not his everything.

I appreciate your advice and I do agree with it mainly. He does have a good side and he thinks his organisation of everything, money etc... is a positive but I do feel it’s controlling, although I don’t think it’s intentional.

He is absolutely selfish and I meant the only child comment in regards to something he once said to justify his selfishness (it doesn’t because not all only children are selfish of course) I was meaning more in a he’s never had siblings so pretty much got what he wanted and the way he wanted it. He didn’t have to share as there was just him to think of.

I moved here originally as it was easier as he was doing a degree in an evening and work full time in the day. His degree has finished now though. I agreed to move here but I didn’t realise how OTT he is about most things. You can’t really know someone until you live them.

If I move back to Newcastle myself I wouldn’t be able to afford to live in the area my kids go to school. It’s likely I couldn’t afford a car so I’d either have to change their school or still have about a 45 min commute but in buses so even worse in the cold weather. I know I could change schools but I didn’t want to distrust them.

I don’t think he would ever get violent with me and I think he’d be devastated that the controlling behaviours he sometimes exhibits could be preceding violence for some. I don’t believe this to be the case at all but he is controlling the way he goes on at times.

I don’t see this as an abusive relationship but there are certain characteristics that an abuser would also do.

He basically likes the house to be spick and span and he is very good around the house and not lazy at all. He likes to save and save to the point it does feel like he’s controlling but again if I put that to him he would be devastated.

We do have a laugh and a giggle and I do love him but he’s hard work. We share a lot of the same views but we also differ and it’s these differences that highlight to me what’s wrong with our relationship. He is also as stated selfish.

He would be very shocked if I suggested he was selfish for wanting to stay here and he would say ‘but you said....’ and he’s right but that’s before I knew living with him is hard work at times.

I’m going to have to tell him of course but I wanted to get the advise off others incase it perhaps was me being OTT

I moved here originally as it was easier as he was doing a degree in an evening and work full time in the day.

It wasnt easier for you and the kids though. Just for him.

Dont stay with him because you cant live where you want, without him.

Also, dont have him thinking you really want a baby with him, when you dont. If having a child is important to him, he deserves to have thay child with someone who really wants one too.

I think he’d be devastated that the controlling behaviours he sometimes exhibits could be preceding violence for some

He likes to save and save to the point it does feel like he’s controlling but again if I put that to him he would be devastated.

He would be very shocked if I suggested he was selfish for wanting to stay here and he would say ‘but you said....’

You seem very fixated on how upset you think he would be if you pointed out that he's selfish, controlling in a number of ways, including financially, and difficult to live with. Maybe he could work on ending those behaviours, if the idea that he is these things is so upsetting?

In some ways, I don’t think it matters whether you are being reasonable in wanting to move, or whether he is being reasonable in wanting to stay, so I won’t say what I think.

The harder, more important question is - Is this relationship right for you? And part of that question is: Are you happy? Are you compatible in the long-term? Are any of the issues you’ve mentioned deal-breakers for you?

Good luck with whatever you decide.

He would be very shocked if I suggested he was selfish for wanting to stay here and he would say ‘but you said....’ and he’s right but that’s before I knew living with him is hard work at times.

Why would he be shocked at this? He'd be shocked at you pointing out that prioritising 1 person's wishes in a family over what is in the best interest of the 3 other people (and potential extra family member) would be selfish?

Does he believe that changes in circumstances mean there should never be a rethink of a plan?

Do you want to grow old with someone like that?

Don't have a baby with him! He sounds miserable to live with, and financially controlling.

How would he support you during maternity leave without nitpicking over every single penny? Would you be 'allowed' your own money?

And I take it he helps out with the cleaning if he's so critical about it?

I'd run for the hills. Well. Move to Newcastle and leave him.

@cattenberg has it I think - it doesn't actually matter who is being reasonable or not, it's about whether this is a relationship that makes you both happy or whether you are simply incompatible.

He sees saving constantly as a good thing. You find it restrictive. Arguably, neither of you is absolutely right or wrong, it's just different view points.

He wants the house absolutely spotless at all times while you care less about that. Again, neither of you are right or wrong.

He doesn't want to live anywhere else, you do. Again, you both have the right to feel the way you do. I can see why your desire to move back is causing him concern as in his head, you'd agreed. It appears you made a mistake in that agreement and now regret it. Which is unfortunate. But there you go, these things happen.

Incidentally, DH made it clear to me that he was not willing to move back to where our families live fairly early in our relationship. I took that into account when deciding if I wanted to stay with him and take the relationship to the next level. There were times in the beginning where I wished he would change his mind but ultimately, it WAS a red line for him and one he was very honest about and he gave me plenty of time to decide it was one I was willing to live with.

It would be ridiculous to have a baby with this man and very selfish- totally unfair on your existing children.

Your body, your choice.

Don’t have a baby with him . It’s clear that your relationship isn’t going to last and you will be tied to him for the next 20 years.

Also do you what to be a single mum to 3? That’s tough. It will also be hard on your older children.

You definitely aren’t being OTT. He sounds horrid. I think you should try to explain all of this to him. If he can’t understand then leave him or spend the rest of your life being told what to do because of that one time you agreed to move to Hexam.

I commute each day to take my children to school about 40 mins away

This is going to be difficult with a newborn. Not impossible. But definitely difficult.

I would be seriously questioning having a baby with him.

He doesn't sound like a good partner at all
Don't have a baby with him

Abusive relationships always have good bits. Those are the bits the person who is being abused tries desperately hard to recreate by working their socks off to be the person the abuser wants them to be. As the relationship develops, and the opportunities to end the relationship gradually reduce, the good bits get fewer and further between and the abuse gradually escalates.

The violence is often 'accidental' at first and gradually becomes more and more deliberate and forceful, making it hard to even identify a time that it started.

The fact that you are so concerned with making sure you're being fair to him, not upsetting him or allowing him to think he has done anything wrong is a strong indicator that he already has you used to prioritising his wishes over everyone else's needs.

I would strongly suggest that you register for the Freedom Programme online so you can be in a better position to understand his behaviour and your own.