To feel DH being selfish for not wanting to move if we have a baby?

[Poorboy136]

In as quick a post as possible I have posted something similar in the past but I’m still in a pickle as of what to do and looking for advice from an outsider perspective... I’ve changed some aspects of the info as I know I have friends etc on her and he has family members that love this site.

-Met DH 5 years ago agreed I’d have a child with him (I’ve got a 12 and a 7 year old from previous marriage and have a great relationship with their dad. All very amicable)

-DH can be selfish although he fails to see this unless it’s pointed out. He worked on an oil rig for years so I’m his first serious relationship. An only child so always had things his own way.

• Try’s to control money and tries to ‘advise’ me that we shouldn’t be spending too much as it’s eg...Christmas (just for info we have about £25,000 in our savings so I don’t feel he should tell me what’s acceptable to spend money on- it’s not as if we haven’t got anything to pay the mortgage with this month.... ‘advises’ me to go to the cheapest supermarket etc as he’s a total tight arse.

• He is over the top when it comes to cleaning and I sometimes feel like I’m in an army barracks and the head soldier is coming in to check everything is in order!

• I do love him and he has good qualities but he’s hard work and again I think it cones down to him being selfish and it’s his way all the time.

• I’m happy to have a baby with him but I feel for it to work well we would need to move to Newcastle. We currently live in Hexham and I commute each day to take my children to school about 40 mins away. He’s from Hexham and wants to stay here.

• I’m not prepared to move my DC schools. I feel if we moved closer to Newcastle it would be easier for me as I wouldn’t have to commute. I’ve tried bringing it up but I’ve been shot down twice and he says “You said at the beginning that you’d move here. I don’t want to move, I’m done with living away.”

I feel like he’s holding me to ransom. He’s hard work to live with and having a baby as much as it’s wonderful, any cracks in a relationship will end up crators. When I said yes at the beginning I didn’t know how selfish he is.

• We have no support here at all. We wouldn’t need support in N’castle as I’d be close to DC school etc...

I’m not necessarily asking what I should do. I’m asking whether I’m being the one being unreasonable or is it him? He makes it sound like he’s in the army and it’s my issue but he’s not in the army. He just doesn’t want to move....

He’s wanting to try now and I just think you selfish man....

Don't have a baby. If he wonders why you don't become pregnant just say you don't know - that does happen sometimes with no apparent reason. Later on you can also say you don't want to delve & feel you can be happy as you are. Just make sure you wear a belt and braces!

I don't know what you are going to do long term though, it can't be much fun being partnered with a controlling tight wad.

Basically- he would choose Hexham over you.

Are you fine with that? Without the baby - you’re OK that he’d choose a place over you?

Anyone who ‘has a baby for someone else’ is foolish.
Anyone who would have a baby with this tight, selfish arsehole is completely bonkers. His attitude is unreasonable, yes, but you are being unreasonable even entertaining this.
His attitude to your children (happy for them to travel 40 minutes each way to school because HE doesnt want to) tells you all you need to know. He is far far too selfish to be a parent.

I’ve not seen your other posts, but it doesn’t sound like you enjoy being with him much... or that you particularly want this child (maybe are doing it as he doesn’t have any of his own).

I e read nothing to suggest having a child with him anywhere would work out well.

Or you move to Newcastle with the kids and he can grow up!

Honestly? Run.

He’s a tight controlling bloke who puts himself before your children.

Married life plus baby will be miserable.

Don't have a baby, no.

You aren't going to go the distance.

How do your children feel about having a selfish, bossy, controlling stepdad who always wants his own way and harangues their mum until he gets it?

I'd be moving to Newcastle AND not having the baby.

If you do have a baby, be prepared to raise it on your own.

If you do have a baby, be prepared for his controlling behaviour to escalate when you are pregnant and again when the baby is born.

Be prepared to have no financial independence and to have to justify every penny you spend, especially on your own children.

Be prepared for him to use the new baby and threats of fighting you for residence to control you and prevent you from leaving him.

Be prepared for his demands about how you keep house for him to escalate and be treated like a servant/slave.

Be prepared for the controlling behaviour to become physically abusive and be told that you made him do it.

Be prepared for your own children to be pushed out of your home and end up living with their father.

In other words, please, please, do not have baby with this man.

Third option - move to Newcastle without him, no baby. He sounds awful.

And as your DC schools are in Newcastle, I'm betting that's where you used to live, with kids near their dad, until he made you move to where he's from.

He really is a selfish shit.

Don't tie yourself to him. Give it a couple more years and you will be heartily sick of being mentally battered by this arsehole.

When I said yes at the beginning I didn’t know how selfish he is.

Tell him that.

And leave that ball in his court and FGS have good contraception in place.

I wouldn’t even consider having a baby with him, in fact I would be considering leaving him. He sounds awful. Has he got any redeeming features?

Move to Newcastle and no new baby. Having a baby with this man is the height of selfishness for both of you as you're bringing a baby into this world in uncertain circumstances and with a selfish dickhead for a dad. Not good Op, not good.

"An only child so always had things his own way."

Bit of a sweeping generalisation there but anyway......

Don't have a baby with him. Decide if you actually want to be with him regardless. He sounds like a twat.

What RichTwoTurkey said. You'd be absolutely bonkers to have a kid with this man. I'd go for option 3, move to Newcastle and no baby. It's chilling you are even considering this. He's a selfish, tight-fisted, controlling person who has to have it all this way. NOPE!

Don’t procreate with this prick.

The only child comment was unnecessary incorrect and uncalled for.

OP, when you posted before you were given the same advice. Ditch him and move back.

I cant believe you moved there knowing the drive to the kids schools.

I do see his point, that you agreed to move there. Not that long ago, from what I remember. You agreed that's where you were going to set up home. He spent a lot of time away from home and wants to be there. You agreed this.

Obviously, the thing to do would have been to refuse to move to where he lives, since it impacts you and your children. But that ship has sailed.

He has been clear about where he wanted to live. You agreed and now changing the goal posts.

Personally, I would be moving back to where is good for me and the kids. Being with this man is not good for your kids. Neither is the long commute

Agreed with all the above. Don’t have a kid with him. I’d drop him like a hot potato. @Poppinjay said it best.

Very relieved op is not already pregnant.

This man has more red flags than a Maoist convention. Poppin is spot on, he will become far, far, far worse if you're pregnant/have a kid with him.

An only child so always had things his own way.

First of all, this isn't a reason to be selfish, stop perpetuating the myth that only children are spoilt; his parents might have chose to always give him his own way, that's their choice rather than just because he has no siblings.

It just sounds like you're not compatible tbh. He wants to be careful with money and is a bit obsessive about cleaning. I don't really get why he's being selfish for not wanting to move, but you're not selfish for trying to force him to? Just cut your losses and run

Poor baby would be like a ping pong ball in the constant arguing - this is not the time to be bringing a new baby into your world until / unless you've sorted things out. IME, it will only get worse with him..

My first reaction is that you should not have a baby with this man, it sounds like the negatives totally outweigh any positives!

Surely housing is cheaper in Newcastle? (I’m from there, best mate is from Hexham and she commuted daily to a Newcastle, bloody trauma for her and me, we had regular sleepovers!) If your dc’s schools are in Newcastle and presumably they and you have family networks there, I don’t think you should hesitate to move back. It’s only 30 minutes if you choose somewhere along the A69, obviously you want to be near dc’s schools, tho. Why is he so keen to stay in Hexham? You’re not asking him to move hours away!

You've ''agreed to have a baby'' - meaning he wants you to have a baby? I'm sorry but there are so many red flags in your post that this just becomes another one.

I don't understand why you are happy to have a baby with someone who makes you feel like you are being held to ransom.

It doesn’t sound like you want a baby with him, it sounds like a business contract you feel duty bound to. Why stay with someone who will never move from their home town for anything or anyone? Seriously, he doesn’t value you or your children and they’ll soon resent this setup when they get older.