To feel DH being selfish for not wanting to move if we have a baby?

[Poorboy136]

In as quick a post as possible I have posted something similar in the past but I’m still in a pickle as of what to do and looking for advice from an outsider perspective... I’ve changed some aspects of the info as I know I have friends etc on her and he has family members that love this site.

-Met DH 5 years ago agreed I’d have a child with him (I’ve got a 12 and a 7 year old from previous marriage and have a great relationship with their dad. All very amicable)

-DH can be selfish although he fails to see this unless it’s pointed out. He worked on an oil rig for years so I’m his first serious relationship. An only child so always had things his own way.

• Try’s to control money and tries to ‘advise’ me that we shouldn’t be spending too much as it’s eg...Christmas (just for info we have about £25,000 in our savings so I don’t feel he should tell me what’s acceptable to spend money on- it’s not as if we haven’t got anything to pay the mortgage with this month.... ‘advises’ me to go to the cheapest supermarket etc as he’s a total tight arse.

• He is over the top when it comes to cleaning and I sometimes feel like I’m in an army barracks and the head soldier is coming in to check everything is in order!

• I do love him and he has good qualities but he’s hard work and again I think it cones down to him being selfish and it’s his way all the time.

• I’m happy to have a baby with him but I feel for it to work well we would need to move to Newcastle. We currently live in Hexham and I commute each day to take my children to school about 40 mins away. He’s from Hexham and wants to stay here.

• I’m not prepared to move my DC schools. I feel if we moved closer to Newcastle it would be easier for me as I wouldn’t have to commute. I’ve tried bringing it up but I’ve been shot down twice and he says “You said at the beginning that you’d move here. I don’t want to move, I’m done with living away.”

I feel like he’s holding me to ransom. He’s hard work to live with and having a baby as much as it’s wonderful, any cracks in a relationship will end up crators. When I said yes at the beginning I didn’t know how selfish he is.

• We have no support here at all. We wouldn’t need support in N’castle as I’d be close to DC school etc...

I’m not necessarily asking what I should do. I’m asking whether I’m being the one being unreasonable or is it him? He makes it sound like he’s in the army and it’s my issue but he’s not in the army. He just doesn’t want to move....

He’s wanting to try now and I just think you selfish man....

Or you move to Newcastle with the kids and he can grow up

This is by far your best option.

@Poppinjay

I really do appreciate your advice and that you’ve taken the time to write a reply to my OP. I know you’re looking out for my best interest.

I honestly don’t feel like I’m in an abusive relationship. A good friend of mine is and whilst my OH is a control freak in a variety of ways, it’s certainly not in the category that she’s in and the things that she has to deal with.

He’s not nasty to me. Rarely raises his voice etc and goes out of his way to help others, ie family/friends etc.... I suppose I do want to please him but in the way that most wives want to please their husbands. I guess why would some women make their DH a nice meal etc after a hard days work? Why not give him beans on toast as it will still feed him.

He’s set in his ways and likes things the way he likes them. He’s not willing to change so we do often have disagreements as I don’t care if all the curtains aren’t pinned back before we leave for work where that would bug him 😂

I think it’s good he saves and it does mean we’re financially secure but again he doesn’t understands why I’d want to spend money on say £80 bottle of perfume, well that’s tough luck for him.

I suppose he’s a perfectionist and he can’t understand how I can love my life as disorganised as I am, not being bothered that all the beds aren’t made perfectly or me not being bothered I didn’t dust at the weekend 🤣

I think we are just different and if he met someone that loved cleaning and saving them happy days but instead he met me whose admittedly a bit lazy regarding housework etc and would think nothing about spending £12 on an M&S desert I’d gobble up in one go haha

Again I do appreciate you’re thinking of me but I absolutely don’t believe this is considered an abusive relationship. I could walk away whenever I want. He couldn’t stop me but of course financially it’s not as easy.

He is a control freak and selfish mind

I suppose he lives his life in a very systematic way that involves saving for the future and having to be very organised/ordered in most aspects of his life. I’m not that way inclined and he can’t grasp that so I suspect he’d like me to change. I won’t, because that’s not me. This is where the constant disagreements start.

I think that you may be dealing with someone who has set routines and a very methodical way of life. Strangely enough, those type of people don't flourish in relationships with others of the same way.

Is it possible to write your concerns down, so that he has a chance to think about them, then have a serious talk? There has to be some compromise in every relationship, which goes both ways.

Sometimes rigid routines and personal outlooks are dictated by disorders, rather than trying to be controlling. Some people get extremely anxious when their routine is disturbed. You two need to sort it out and have some proper discussions about where things are going.

There is a third choice.
Move to Newcastle, which will make your life & your children's lives a lot easier.
With or without your partner, who sounds selfish & self centred - a bully - controlling.

Usually in families decisions are made so that all benefit or, if that's not possible, so most do. In your case this would mean moving to Newcsstle.

What does this man bring to your relationship?

Do you know that at no point have you said in any of these posts that YOU want a baby. A baby isn't something you agree to have and then are obliged to fulfil that agreement even when other things aren't right.

This relationship isn't right. You may not see it as abusive but it still isn't right. Be where you want to be in life. Go to Newcastle. Either he will decide he would rather be with you than in Hexham, or he won't, but either way don't have a baby until YOU want one.

And I'm struggling to understand why you would have to sell your car if you moved back to Newcastle given that you have said that you have plenty in savings.

@Deathstare

I understand that must seem a bit contradicting. Well I’d have to spend most of my savings on a years rest upfront. I work for myself and probably don’t earn enough to support myself in my current situation. Thankfully I have got savings and that does take the pressure off a bit. Once they are gone though I’d struggle to run a car with petrol, tax, insurance, MOT etc... so I could probably keep it for the near future but long term I think it’ll be a luxury I probably can’t afford

Rent I mean x

You’re absolutely deluded.

In a healthy relationship you can be yourself, be honest, and know your partner has your best interests at heart.

You’re putting a controlling selfish man before the best choices for your EXISTING children.

You can’t see yet that your relationship is abusive but it is. I just hope the fog lifts before you bring a child into that fucking nonsense.

Does he attempt to regiment your children too? Are they expected to dance to his tune keep their toys, clothes, bedrooms, in order or do they have the freedom to be children and not be perfect little adults?

Don’t have a baby. He’s not fit to be a father.

Sorry OP can you just clarify, he’s expecting you to find your maternity leave??? This guy is a joke!!

Having read your updates, I feel very sorry for your kids. They’re bearing the brunt now of his refusal to move on the basis of ‘but you said so’ (what a well though out and coherent argument 🙄) and it doesn’t seem like you care. How awful it would be for them to realise if he eventually agreed to, that he wouldnt for them but would for their half sibling. How awful if you don’t fight harder now for what’s in THEIR best interests. It’s all well and good to say you were happy to do the driving but it’s not about you, it’s about the children that already exist in this situation.

Seriously this is NOT a healthy relationship. You say he ‘rarely raises his voice to you’, in over 30 years of marriage my DH and I have never raised our voices to each other (we don’t have some sort of loved up relationship but are mature adults who discuss problems calmly and rationally).

You sound over dependent on him and choosing to ignore many red flags.

Please leave him and concentrate on raising your existing children and your own self esteem.

Imagine having a baby with somebody so financially controlling and selfish?

He's not putting you or your children first.

His child would have siblings that they'd be living miles and miles away from, too.

You wouldn't be able to do the travelling for a few weeks when baby was born and I bet he wouldn't collect your kids for you.

Please don't have a baby with him because you'll basically be a single parent in an area with no support.

I agree with @Merryoldgoat -- you are dangerously deluded, OP. You think this is a good relationship because he doesn't raise his voice and isn't verbally 'nasty' to you, when it's a deeply unhealthy dynamic, with him as the sergeant major and you as the cowed new recruit who needs to be trained into army rules. That metaphor was yours.

What alarms me more than his behaviour though, is your attitude. You have said several times that he's selfish and 'hard work', and that he's 'holding you to ransom,' but you seem to think that this is some inevitable and unimportant male characteristic, like weeing standing up, rather than something which is having a direct, negative impact on your life and the lives of your existing children, and which constitutes an excellent reason to end the relationship.

What has taught you to have such incredibly low standards? Would you be thrilled if your daughter was in this relationship, having her finances and where she can live being controlled by a man who behaves like the commanding officer of the household?

You are making your children's lives worse by staying with this man, and you are modeling an incredibly unhealthy relationship dynamic for them -- and having a child with him would be an act of self-sabotage.

I suppose I do want to please him but in the way that most wives want to please their husbands. I guess why would some women make their DH a nice meal etc after a hard days work? Why not give him beans on toast as it will still feed him.

You are considering a baby with an abusive man, OP, not making him beans on toast. The fact that you think this is an appropriate metaphor for your 'pleasing' him is deeply alarming.

Children cost money and are messy-will he be able to deal with that?

How do your children find living with this selfish control freak (your words)?
It doesn't sound like an environment in which they can play, relax, be messy.
That together with the distance from their friends which as they grow up will become more apparent, would make me think v seriously about this relationship

I suppose I do want to please him but in the way that most wives want to please their husbands. I guess why would some women make their DH a nice meal etc after a hard days work? Why not give him beans on toast as it will still feed him

You know what pleases my husband? Me being happy just like him being happy pleases me and, if we're at odds we compromise as we have on many occasions.

Threads like this genuinely make me despair for existing children in step-families. I know it's not ALWAYS the case but so often on here they get sidelined in favour of the new partner and then sidelined further when a new baby arrives and then an unequal situation is created.

I genuinely hope that you aren't posting here in a year, 38 weeks pregnant and your husband has told you that your maternity leave is at your own cost and you 'can keep the child benefit'.

I suppose I do want to please him but in the way that most wives want to please their husbands. I guess why would some women make their DH a nice meal etc after a hard days work? Why not give him beans on toast as it will still feed him

I have a very happy relationship of 40+ years and I have very rarely cooked for my oh. If I am having beans on toast then if he wants I will make him some too but I certainly don’t cook.

We eat very different food.

He is very very grateful for what I do.

On a day to day basis I do what makes me happy.
That makes him happy.

Your dh needs to realise there is truth in the saying

Happy wife
Happy life.

Do what you feel is right for you.
If he wants to join you then you then great.

If he doesn’t then equally great.

@Merryoldgoat

It’s a bit ironic your tone in your post is verbally abusive with you swearing etc, yet you’re talking about abusive relationships 🙄

There’s plenty of step families these days and they work just fine. As it happens I can assure you that I won’t be having another baby, unless my DH makes significant changes so you needn’t worry. I’m pretty sure he won’t move so I’ll end up leaving myself.

There’s plenty of women that have children within a second marriage. Are they selfish?

There are also plenty of mothers who don’t meet anyone else but they don’t let their DC see their dads for various reasons. Are they selfish?

There are women who stay with the DC dad even the relationship is toxic and there are arguments all the time. Are they selfish?

There are parents who move their children school because it’s easier for them and they can’t be bothered with drive etc... Are they selfish?

There are parents who work more than they need to as they want the luxuries that come with the extra money. Their time is sacrificed. Are they selfish?

Most people do what they can to make the best life for their kids. Probably best not to dictate what IS right unless you’ve walked in their shoes....

Swearing isn’t abusive - I used a swear word for emphasis - I didn’t swear AT you as you can plainly see.

I clearly said not all.

YOU have clearly NOT put your children first because if you had you wouldn’t be living far from school with a selfish autocrat.

I grew up where my mother didn’t stop me from seeing my dad (but he wasn’t interested) and instead had further children in a relationship with a tight-fisted, lazy and emotionally abusive man.

Super fun to grow up in. Even more when she dropped dead when I was a teenager leaving utter chaos.

So actually I have a pretty good idea of what life can be like when children aren’t put first.

I'd have have a conversation along the lines of. ..
I said we'd live here, the kids and I have tried it and it's not working for us, especially as they grow up and want to see school friend and freedom to move between ours and their dad's.
So I want to move to Newcastle, I'd like that to be with you and once we're settled we can revisit the baby point.

Don't expect an immediate response, in fact I'd tell him to go and think about it.

@Merryoldgoat

No need to swear at all though under the circumstances!! Completely comes across as aggressive in your post!!

Well there you go, your views are biased based on your background. It sounds like you had a crap time so I am sorry for you that you had to go through that. Absolutely he’s selfish, I’m not disputing that. That’s why I’m posting here to get other points of view and asking if I’m in the wrong to think he’s selfish.

Plenty of people would have just moved them schools and tough luck to anything else and I think that would be selfish, hence why I didn’t do that!

@Fraglesrock

That’s pretty much word for word what I’m going to do. This weekend will be fun 😖