To think it is important to be legally married

[SweetSally]

I wonder why so many couples are against marriage? Many would say it's a piece of paper...when it's not. Why can't people see the benefits of marriage?

Many would say it's waste of money - is it really? One thing is getting married and another thing is splashing cash on a grand wedding...

I welcome your views (and please let's be nice to each other and accept everyone's opinion)

Please vote - is it important to be legally married?

@MyFavouriteTimeOfYear I can only see your post I responded to and your posts at 14.35 today. Not sure what else you want.

@MyFavouriteTimeOfYear just seen your other post.

In your circumstances marriage may not be ideal. However that doesn't mean no one should get married. As long as you are aware of any potential pitfalls of not being married then that is fine.

Threads like this should be educational and get people to think about their financial and legal requirements carefully.

There are absolutely no pitfalls for us. If you think there are then tell me? I will listen.

Just because we are not married, it does not mean we love each other any less, it doesn't mean we are not committed to each other any less than a married couple.

I think it depends on your circumstances - there's no YABU or YANBU that applies to all.

However, you are left in a precarious position when unmarried if one of you dies, because you're not legally your other half's next of kin.

Just because we are not married, it does not mean we love each other any less, it doesn't mean we are not committed to each other any less than a married couple.

But it does mean you don't have the same rights as married couples (which you may well not want or need).

I know someone who’s been in a relationship for about ten years. They never saw the need for marriage. He now has a terminal cancer diagnosis and all their kids are pushing them hard to get married now so she qualifies for his survivors’ pension. I’m really hoping they do it.

I'm not saying there are in your situation. But there are for others. Your situation is incredibly unusual, there aren't many multi millionaires for a start! Surely you must see that?

Marriage has advantages in some situations and it is important people are aware of that and

Should have added...

I've not mentioned marriage showing any more or less commitment and love than any other relationship. I don't believe being married shows more love than not being married.

ime there is still very much a stigma to having children “out of wedlock” especially if you then end up separated from the dad.

Really, I've found the opposite, especially in healthcare with my DH referred to as 'your man' or 'Dad' or the like because so few people are married.

Depends - if you have kids, yes. If not, no.

Marriage isn't for everyone. Not everyone wants the associated legal rights and responsibilities, and that's completely fine.
However, it annoys me that people (let's be honest, men) have spread this nonsense about marriage being nothing more than a piece of paper. It's a legal contract - of course it's written on paper! What else would it be written on? People just use that excuse when they don't want to marry their partners.

I agree.
I'm yet to meet someone where both people have made an informed decision not to marry who says "but it's just a piece of paper". People who have made an informed decision not to marry are generally very grounded and talk quite openly about their choice.

The it's just a piece of paper / being married doesn't make you more in love etc arguments always seem to come where one part of the couple isn't entirely happy with the marital status.

It's strange because you'd never say 'I don't want to own my house, it's just a piece of paper' or 'I won't bother making a Will, it's just a piece of paper.'

@SweetSally, did you have sex before marriage? Because that means the options for a unplanned pregnancy would be abortion or a quick marriage, which is a recipe for disaster.

What are the values of children within marriage, as opposed to outside? On a day-to-day basis, what difference does it make?

@Lifecraft I think you need to read my previous posts.

@Teachermaths of course I see that not most people are multi millionaires. But that doesn't mean just because we are in this position, we haven't taken every precaution we can to make sure we have equal rights if anything was to happen without marriage!

Information you have given on here, has already been proved to be wrong by others posters.

And the original post was do individual posters agree with marriage or not.
My view is simple. To me as an individual it is not important!

Just because we are not married, it does not mean we love each other any less, it doesn't mean we are not committed to each other any less than a married couple.

I don't think anybody is suggesting that it does - all it means is that, unlike a married couple, you've decided to just keep the acknowledgement of your love and commitment between yourselves and your family and friends.

Whether deliberately or by default, you've chosen not to declare it to the government through the longstanding traditional and legal method that is provided, so as far as the government is concerned, you are both currently romantically linked to each other and living together but are not a legally-committed couple. That's absolutely fine, but if you want any of the rights, responsibilities and protections of marriage, you need to get married. If you don't want or care about them, then that's absolutely fine - entirely your free choice.

The only real problem comes when people choose not to legally 'register' their commitment with the government and then later seem amazed, horrified and disgusted that the government didn't read their minds and doesn't recognise their commitment.

It's strange because you'd never say 'I don't want to own my house, it's just a piece of paper' or 'I won't bother making a Will, it's just a piece of paper.'

Very well put.

"No, Officer, a bit of paper/plastic doesn't mean anything to me as I am currently operating this vehicle under a common-law driving licence...."

@Ponoka7

That is a good point. A lot of couples are very careless when it comes to protection and they end up with a child way too early in a relationship that will not survive 3-4 years down the line.

What upsets me, too, is seeing women getting pregnant "it was an incident" and thinking that now their partner will marry them... Or not marry them but thinking that they've secured a future with somebody because they have a child together. It doesn't work like that.

That is a topic for another thread ... however many Mumsnet users might be offended and take it personally it's a very delicate topic to be discussed so freely.

And to answer your question - yes I did have sex before marriage.

@Brimful

I was just about to make the same statement. Interesting how some pieces of paper are much more valuable...

Information you have given on here, has already been proved to be wrong by others posters.

Like....?

Whether deliberately or by default, you've chosen not to declare it to the government through the longstanding traditional and legal method that is provided, so as far as the government is concerned, you are both currently romantically linked to each other and living together but are not a legally-committed couple. That's absolutely fine, but if you want any of the rights, responsibilities and protections of marriage, you need to get married. If you don't want or care about them, then that's absolutely fine - entirely your free choice.

The only real problem comes when people choose not to legally 'register' their commitment with the government and then later seem amazed, horrified and disgusted that the government didn't read their minds and doesn't recognise their commitment.

But only when it bloody well suits them, such as when dishing out/collecting money (bereavement allowance, pensions and various taxes). However when it comes to tax credits, universal credits etc they take into account unmarried partners as "living together as if they were married". Only the government can have it both ways it seems.

Do any of you believe in the values of being brought up in a family where the parents are married?

What values are these pray tell?! It's statements like this which make me think it all boils down to a sense of moral superiority for many pro-marriage posters. As though my children are being raised without values because their parents don't want to get married? Very interested to hear what "values" I'm denying them...

Marriage brings obligations as well as rights. It’s not really akin to a document such as a land certificate etc.

If you’re the wealthier party marriage can be very detrimental, both to women and their family. I worked hard all my life and need my resources for my dds. Glad I didn’t marry cos then I would have had to give at least some of it to my ex.

A lot of women see marriage as an easy way to provide for themselves. I have never thought of life in that way though and don’t have those values. I bring up dds to be strong independent women and there is nothing wrong with that.

Also there are so many many myths on MN about marriage. There is no legal concept of a “next of kin” in English law.

Also for all iht is lauded on MN at being a great advantage of marriage, the vast, vast majority of estates don’t pay any. You are much more likely statistically to get divorced.

There are some people (men and women) who look down on never married mothers @Graphista. those people are beneath my contempt so I didn’t take their opinions into consideration when choosing to get married or not (I chose not).

Also @graphista married people can change their will too!

@Teachermaths - were you not the one who thought you had to be married to inherit a private pension? Total rubbish I’m afraid. You can leave it to whoever you like, it doesn’t just get confiscated if you’re not married (even if you allegedly have terrible values as some pps have suggested).