To be worried about village life already?

[AdoptedBumpkin]

Hi all. This is my first post, so be gentle.

We moved as a family from Greater London to a medium sized village in a national park a few weeks ago. While I enjoy some aspects of rural life, I am beginning to worry about some of the villagers. They seem to gossip a lot about each other and it seems probable that that they must gossip about us, if only because not much else is going on.

Yesterday I was walking through the village with my daughter and passed a local old-ish couple. I heard the lady say something about 'the gilet' and I was wearing my purple North face gilet. It may have been positive and/or throwaway, but it spooked me that something so mundane would be commented on. I am used to a life where you really have to try hard to stand out.

Go get in there, go to the pub... don't like pubs, tough, you do now, GO TO THE PUB

This just about sums up village life.

You have to have a drink to make life bearable

I dont drink so I was never going to fit in.

One of the loneliest times of my life. Couldnt wait to leave.

I live in a northern village, I was born there - my dad and his dad too.
I know what you mean, the people in this village are horrific and I hate them and I wish I could escape but my DH is tied to the area. If I could go back 10 years I'd be out of here!

Village life is lovely in some aspects but yes extremely cliquey, bitchy and in your business. But keeping yourself to yourself will help. I’m not saying don’t make friends but just don’t eat involved in the ones who like to bitch and act all cliquey.

I live in a village but I am used to it. I lived in a small town prior and it wasn’t much better there. In fact worse for me as I lived there my whole life and you just know everyone. Moving 12 miles away to this village actually really helped me. It’s life in Cornwall where I live. Everyone wants to know your business! But to me the benefits of living far outweigh the cliques and hitching.

Lived for a while in a Manchester suburb.

Only stayed a short while.

The stuff people made up about me was pretty strange.
I couldnt even tell you where it came from.

You literally couldnt walk down the street without someone commenting.

Sounds like where I live, a hard core of residents who hang out at the local pub also dominate the village, the Facebook page is a great source of bitcheness and passive aggressive low level bullying. I stay out of it and will be moving in about 8 months. I’m also from London, worse thing I did was to move out.

Go to the pub is good advice. Where we live there are plenty of ‘Pioneers’ who have taken a pledge to never drink alcohol but they still go to the pub for music, dancing and general craic. It’s an important part of the local community.

I also found London much friendlier and less judgemental. We looked out for each other without being in each other’s pockets.

I do think it depends though on how willing you are to get involved.

I could make more of an effort and did in the early days but the bitching and gossip was unreal I couldn’t be arsed with it and found it mindlessly petty.

Go to the pub is good advice. Where we live there are plenty of ‘Pioneers’ who have taken a pledge to never drink alcohol but they still go to the pub for music, dancing and general craic. It’s an important part of the local community.

But it sounds as if you're in rural Ireland. @ThinkIamflyingundertheradar which, in my experience is a whole different hill of beans to village life as I have experienced it in rural England. Maybe that was part of my problem I grew up in the country, and thought I understood how it worked, but my experience of village life in England is completely different, and far less tolerant of any form of difference, to mine of rural Ireland.

I live in a villagey kind of place. Malicious gossip (about me) abounds.

According to the popular 'chick lit' novels these days, anyone moving to a village is immediately welcomed with open arms, neighbours popping round with cake/wine, invited to parties, and is at the heart of village life within a week!

I live in a Home Counties village and can’t wait to leave (will be heading to proper middle of nowhere)
Can’t fart without everyone knowing about it, pub like Darwin’s waiting room and the village shop rendered unusable by a woman who makes Susan from the Archers look like the soul of discretion.
Also cliquey.
Nice fresh air/open spaces for the kids mind. Tho we will also get that in the arse end of nowhere. Woop woop!

According to the popular 'chick lit' novels these days, anyone moving to a village is immediately welcomed with open arms, neighbours popping round with cake/wine, invited to parties, and is at the heart of village life within a week!

But you have to remember in said novels that Polly, after moving to the village has a terrible secret from he distant past that threatens to shatter her new found happiness. Also, Mike the handsome friendly owner of the holiday cottages at the end of the road seems almost too nice........

but my experience of village life in England is completely different, and far less tolerant of any form of difference, to mine of rural Ireland
Oh fgs.

Indeed, @PanGalacticGargleBlaster, I forgot to add that she (for it is always a she) is also guaranteed to meet the love of her life

What, @Trewser?

I have lived in a village for over 15 years and don’t know anyone locally, apart from people I met through horses. TBF I don’t want to take part in village life. That’s not why I moved here. My close friends are largely in London, where I still work.

Gosh, this is an interesting thread...

Yes, villages differ from each other. I have relatives who have lived for decades on the edge of a village that has got posher and snobbier as time has gone on, the verges kept immaculate and planted up with daffodils, and gleaming 4x4s parked outside the pristine cottages. Very different from another village where other relatives have also lived for decades, which is much more down to earth.

Also ignore the people who think they are influential. The loudest mouth in these parts, who clearly thinks of herself as an unelected community leader, has pissed off loads of people. The ones who actually get stuff done tend to operate quietly, mostly via long-established networks, oiled by cups of tea and apparently irrelevant chat about your new fence and their neighbour's puppy. Ignore the loudmouth and tap into the networks - just chat to people and you will find your way in.

the village shop rendered unusable by a woman who makes Susan from the Archers look like the soul of discretion.

I'm really intrigued by this..... what do you normally buy that would mean this is an issue?

I'm not sure the more of nowhere will be much different.... The definition of 'neighbour' gets stretched when you're talking about isolated houses - anyone living in the same valley will probably consider you a neighbour and be curious as to what you're up to.

If you really want to know what's happening in your village, get on the local village Facebook pages! Lost dog, ducks, pigs, wandering horses, escaped sheep ... people's terrible parking ... to "asking for recommendations" (a mine of useful information) and all the local events that are coming up.

I agree with this - our village FB group is fantastic! It does also have the usual dog poo complaints though.

^ the middle of nowhere is what I meant say abovw

How much research did you (and others) do before choosing your village?

That's the thing I find really odd. With people who plan to move in retirement too. People moving to 'a village' without knowing anything more about it, culturally and socially, than the fact that it is 'a village'.

This is a good point. Before moving to this village we had friends in the area who knew it, we joined the local FB group before moving, and spent as much time as possible getting to know the area. The result is that we're happy here.

There were some things that were important to me (e.g. I wanted to be able to safely walk home from the local town, even if it was a few miles), so any villages without safe walking routes to them were discounted, even if they appeared 'naice'). We both drive, but I would hate to be totally reliant on a car for everything. No amount if chocolate box pettiness and rural views will make up for it if you move to somewhere that doesn't suit your needs and personality.

Thanks for your replies. Will try to follow your advice.

Most people seem nice enough and I'm sure they are. I have met a few local characters (mostly women) who seem passive aggressive. Not necessarily this woman but some others I have met.

Slight concern which has only occurred to me over the weekend is that if I dress like the locals I might be seen as a fraud and if I dress in my sometimes slightly unusual preferred style I might be seen as different.

How much research did you (and others) do before choosing your village?

Lots. Key things were basic services (shop, post office, GP in next village) and reasonably regular public transport link to nearest city as I didn't drive we'd moved from London and never had a car and community activities such as baby groups, book groups, general social activities (I was on maternity leave), a decent school, things going on for children.

Unfortunately, it's more difficult to research 'How racist/xenophobic are your fellow-villagers?' or 'How often will I be subjected to slurs to do with my country of origin and accent?' without actually going to live there for long enough for people to become unbuttoned around you, especially as we are very close to a hugely ethnically-diverse city.

Or 'Are working mothers so rare in the village and environs that childcare simply does not take account of FT jobs and it's considered anomalous by other parents in your child's class at school, who remark on it a lot in tones of incomprehension?'

Or 'Is the nice current vicar about to depart and be replaced by an evangelical loon who rocks up at school assemblies and tells your child the Book of Genesis is literally true ('because it's in the Bible'), and that celebrating Hallowe'en is 'sinful' and 'unChristian'?

Or 'Because the local district council has failed to have a five-year-supply of housing, will it suddenly wave through housing developments which have been consistently refused for years on the grounds of of overwhelming road access and services, thereby tripling the size of the village within two years?'

The one thing I simply did not know to check in advance is 'underlying soil conditions' -- here it is dense clay which makes the very pleasant fieldpaths around the village through cultivated fields virtually impassable for months at a time, because you end up with a stone or two of clay attached to each boot.