To be worried about village life already?

[AdoptedBumpkin]

Hi all. This is my first post, so be gentle.

We moved as a family from Greater London to a medium sized village in a national park a few weeks ago. While I enjoy some aspects of rural life, I am beginning to worry about some of the villagers. They seem to gossip a lot about each other and it seems probable that that they must gossip about us, if only because not much else is going on.

Yesterday I was walking through the village with my daughter and passed a local old-ish couple. I heard the lady say something about 'the gilet' and I was wearing my purple North face gilet. It may have been positive and/or throwaway, but it spooked me that something so mundane would be commented on. I am used to a life where you really have to try hard to stand out.

Itook

I would definitely consider the provisions in a village school for your child. In our village we have a tiny school where every child is looked after individually, so this would be very good for you I would imagine. TIt is a well funded and well cared for school. They do forest school a lot, and hold classes outside in the summer months under the trees. The children have lots of freedom outside. The senior schools are bigger, so you may need to explore the options further on too.

It is also a very calm and relaxed here, and a lovely sensory setting in the countryside for a child to learn and to play. Encouraging a child to enjoy art and live with nature. I personally feel any child can thrive in the countryside because it offers so much outside of school as well as inside.
The quiet nights provide a good night's sleep, the lack of pollution from cars and factories is good for developing bodies and lungs, and the exercise that takes place naturally is effortless when raising fit and healthy children.

My children are older now, but absolutely loved their childhood in the trees and I would recommend it to anyone.

Reading some of the replies on here, I get the impression that home counties villages are very different to the ones up here!

Our village is considered to be the 'naicest' in the area, but there are loads of tradesmen live here. No one would dream of objecting to a van or judging someone on perceived income. I'm very glad we live up north!

Oh I have plenty of village horror stories from my sibling. I'm sure there are villages where you can park your van too. There must be?

For example I would buy a bottle of wine at the newsagent and the woman working there would say 'Have you got guests coming' I just thought that was nosey. No need to have visitors to drink some wine!

To me, that's just being friendly and making small talk. I'd have just said "No, just fancied a couple of glasses with our dinner" or whatever. If that got me labelled as the local lush, I really wouldn't give a damn.

Yep, the wine comment was just passing the time of day. The only response needed was "no, just planning on enjoying a glass or two myself. Lovely evening for it!" or suchlike.

The wine comment... do you really think they gave a shit whether you were having friends round, downing it in one yourself or cleaning the drains with it? They were probably just trying to be friendly and maybe even welcoming!

Reading some of the replies on here, I get the impression that home counties villages are very different to the ones up here!

Probably true. While I am of course generalising many villages in the 'shires' are dormitory towns with folk on decent money commuting into London/city daily while their kids attend the local independent school.

@Elbeagle 'The wine comment... do you really think they gave a shit whether you were having friends round, downing it in one yourself or cleaning the drains with it? '

Yes, they do. Oh, yes, they do. It is all commented upon and probably filed for future reference!

Don't think you have any option but to ignore any gossip, unless someone directly asks you about something.
It's easy to say, but try not to worry about it. Hugs xxxxx

Why are hugs needed? There hasn't even been any gossip yet! One person used the word 'gilet' within earshot of the OP and she's convinced they're slagging her off.

Not in my village Interestedwoman. Too busy with their own lives to care much about anyone else’s!

Yes villagers are gossipy but in a good way. Everyone knows everyone else's business but they are also there to step in if things go badly. Gossip is one thing deliberate bitchiness and trouble making is another.

This.

Thirty years ago, friend of mine was persuaded (ie forced) to move to a small Somerset village by her abusive ex. Once term started she made friends with other school mums. One of them sussed that things weren't right for friend and ended up helping her find somewhere to live, get benefits in place etc.

That woman saved my friend's sanity, I'm sure, and back in those days this would have gone unnoticed in a city.

Itook DS, who has a speech delay and possible some form of social communication issue, will (hopefully) be going to the little village school next year - 80 children on the roll in total, I think. It seems a lovely, kind, friendly little school and I can’t find anyone with a bad word to say about it. It has a really active Friends group who raise thousands of pounds for it, and they do lots of outdoor things - Forest school, gardening club and so on.

The SENDCO is only at the school one day a week and it will be sharing a head with another school, that’s the potential downside of a smaller school. But having spoken to the SENDCO, she seems really on it (and again that’s what I’ve heard on the grapevine) and I think DS will be very much supported in that environment.

That’s the upside to the village grapevine of course - just through getting involved with the local playgroup, I know plenty of people to ask about the school who can give me the inside track.

While I am of course generalising many villages in the 'shires' are dormitory towns with folk on decent money commuting into London/city daily while their kids attend the local independent school.

How depressing. I enjoy where I live, but would hate somewhere like that. Soulless.

I can run from my house up on to the local moor and sit on the crag to watch the sun set. We see all kinds of wildlife on a regular basis. There is an excellent village newsletter (actually worth reading!), lots of local events and societies, two pubs and a cafe, and we are way too far away from London for there to be London commuters here. Everyone is friendly - I cycle to the nearest station each day on my commute and the same faces I cycle past say hello and I say hello back. I work ft and don't have time to get involved in most of village life, but it's nice to know that there are things going on when I do want to.

Yes, people were curious about us when we moved here, but there is no more snobbery and gossip than anywhere else I've lived. People are just people.

Another one here who grew up in London and knew my neighbours. Moved twice to other areas of London, still knew/know our neighbours. I think it helps if you either grew up there so have known neighbours since childhood or if you have small children as they seem to be a conversation starter with many. Same as most places really.

I expect she liked the gilet. I would throw myself into village life if I were you and learn to shrug off the gossiping.

There are some really defensive villagers on here!
Nobody has said villagers are inbred and I can’t see any evidence of the OP treating them with contempt, as someone said.
In a smaller community it stands to reason that everyone will know each other’s business far more. That’s of course going to be a culture shock after a big city. My DH grew up in a village and says everything he ever did always got back to his mum when he was a teenager...
I’ve always lived in big cities and love them. I find people very friendly in London, people are always starting up conversations with me.
Living somewhere more rural really appeals to me because of the beauty of so many places, and how healthy it is for the kids etc. But I’d also like to buy a bottle of wine in peace without everyone knowing about it and commenting on it... And our jobs are here. When I was little, though, I used to daydream about living somewhere where everyone knew everybody, I thought it sounded so lovely.
Sounds like you’ve got some good advice on here OP, friendliness is the way forward!

Village life does not sound like my cup of tea from this thread. We lived in one (well it was more of a big town, but small enough for me) once for a whole year, and I was happy to leave. This wasn't any reflection on the people, who seemed pleasant enough, but more on the lack of services/shops/nightlife/options, generally. Give me a city any day!

If you do want to integrate OP, the advice given on this thread of going to the pub and chatting to people seems pretty good.

Considerme Spudlet That is exactly what I was hoping to hear. There are so many opinions online about village schools but parents with SN children usually are very, very positive about their experiences. Obviously outdoor space is super important for us too, but what I’m predominantly looking for is a caring environment. My son is not aggressive in any way and even if he gets attacksd he won’t really protect himself, just a very gentle natured boy. That is problematic in huge groups of children with only a few adults supervising. I’ll be honest I’m not particularly bothered by services but it is a nice bonus of course. I’m currently looking towards Shropshire, near Wales. I’m open to any place though as long as there is a primary school.

Are you prone to anxiety and catastrophising? You've only been there a few weeks and you've gone from worrying that you overheard someone mentioning your gilet to concern that one or two influential people will smite your move by spreading malicious gossip about you.

Did you want to stay in the city but your DP pushed this move? I can't think of any other reason for someone to self-sabotage a move so quickly. You don't go from the city to a national park without considering that the dynamics will be different.

One other wee bit of advice for those moving from London (or any big city I guess) to a more rural environment, is turn down your volume control. People from cities just seem to talk so loudly. Makes them sound arrogant and domineering even when they aren't - or trying not to be.

If you really want to know what's happening in your village, get on the local village Facebook pages! Lost dog, ducks, pigs, wandering horses, escaped sheep ... people's terrible parking ... to "asking for recommendations" (a mine of useful information) and all the local events that are coming up.

I've lived in a town, city and a village - was raised in a village.

Honestly just smile and and say "hi you alright" as you go past people. That's all most of them will want. You don't need to try too hard.

Always put your bins out right, keep your garden maintained.

It's not hard to just be pleasant - keep it at small talk and you'll soon be "the one form the city, don't know much about her but she always speaks/pleasant"

If they're really nosy, they'll be more bothered about what others are getting upto.

Most people just want a decent neighbour

I live in a village in the shires. I am not from ‘round here’ so can understand the preconceptions. People think it’s ‘posh’. Some people do commute to London. But many others work at the local hospital or have local businesses. People have lived here for decades. They have their own lives and we don’t live in each other’s pockets. But we were invited to Christmas drinks and barbecues from the word go. My neighbours look after my pets when I am away and they give my kids presents. One of them gave us an enormous trampoline they no longer needed. I volunteer at some local stuff. 80% of people have dogs and greet each other when out walking. There’s a fete and things on at the village hall. There are lovely walks. From the outside you could say it looks like a cold dormitory village where nobody interacts but the truth is a little different.

Having said that, the within hearing distance gilet comment doesn’t sound like harmless village gossip to me, it sounds intended to make you feel uncomfortable which is a bit worrying.

We moved from central London to a village in Bedfordshire 14 years ago. I was ready to put the house on the market within a week, I hated it and knew it would never be for me. I felt it was such a massive mistake.

14 years on, you couldn't pay me enough money to leave this village. There are lovely people and not so lovely people - like everywhere else in the world - and you can become as involved or not with the local community as you like. You get out what you put in. Our DCs have had a lovely, pretty carefree childhood here and we're in no rush to leave.

Haven’t you ever said to a friend you were with “That jacket’s a nice colour”?