To be worried about village life already?

[AdoptedBumpkin]

Hi all. This is my first post, so be gentle.

We moved as a family from Greater London to a medium sized village in a national park a few weeks ago. While I enjoy some aspects of rural life, I am beginning to worry about some of the villagers. They seem to gossip a lot about each other and it seems probable that that they must gossip about us, if only because not much else is going on.

Yesterday I was walking through the village with my daughter and passed a local old-ish couple. I heard the lady say something about 'the gilet' and I was wearing my purple North face gilet. It may have been positive and/or throwaway, but it spooked me that something so mundane would be commented on. I am used to a life where you really have to try hard to stand out.

The part of London I live in is quite villagey tbh in the sense that we have a duck pond on a green and various independent shops like the fishmongers and butchers (not that I shop in them). I guess the difference is that hardly anyone was actually born here, so nobody assumes any authority on “the way of life” of the place. Plus people are just too busy to care. My neighbours are really lovely tbh, but I don’t really think about them on a daily basis.

DH is Iranian/ Indian but the only time he’s ever felt uncomfortable was in a pub in Wales. That was because someone smashed his car window just to damage his car and punches were thrown. This was years ago and he said it was the strangest place he’s ever been, He’s going to Wales again in a few weeks, but he’s not taking his car because he thinks it will make him stand out. He’ll have to get the train.

Velvetsaw - sorry about your experience. It's sad that things are that bad in some places.

Lincolnfield - I didn't find outer London so bad, but obviously up here do talk to strangers more, which has pros and cons.

Pollymere - I am going to wear it anyway

We moved in to a village from a town. Everyone in the village knows everything about us and us about them, we have made many friends, so glad we moved here.

Sadly you don’t get gossip in London because nobody speaks to each other!…worked in London for thirteen years and quickly realised that if you smile and say good morning to anyone, you’re looked at as though you have a mental illness.

This is not my experience of living here (over 20 years). I find that strangers do tend to assume that you want your privacy, but if you approach someone for help or small talk, most people are very helpful and friendly and keen to engage. And in shops etc where you go often, you become a 'regular' very fast and people start to recognise and chat to you. I've lived in about four different parts of London and found this right from the start.

I live in a large village, but I don't think it's any more insular than living in a bit of London where everyone's children go to the same primary school.

You’re probably the most exciting thing that happened in the village for years. Be patient and give yourself time. That said I live in a village, which I do love, but would love to live in a big city like London. If you’re friendly and open with people there’s no reason why anyone would turn against you. Stop worrying and enjoy it.

I much prefer living in villages; people are friendlier and there's lots of stuff going on, such as community fireworks and the village website and FB group. I'm looking forward to the Christmas wreath making in particular in a couple of weeks. People also stop and chat - I know all sorts of people whose names aren't known to me*

Eek - I’d hate it, sounds awful and claustrophobic - come back to London Op - I’ll ignore you😆

I find that strangers do tend to assume that you want your privacy, but if you approach someone for help or small talk, most people are very helpful and friendly and keen to engage.

We often found that was the case. For example, on one occasion my partner was lost in an unfamiliar part of central London and two old ladies helped him find his way.

I much prefer living in villages; people are friendlier and there's lots of stuff going on, such as community fireworks and the village website and FB group. I'm looking forward to the Christmas wreath making in particular in a couple of weeks. People also stop and chat - I know all sorts of people whose names aren't known to me

Eek - I’d hate it, sounds awful and claustrophobic - come back to London Op - I’ll ignore you😆

Eek - I’d hate it, sounds awful and claustrophobic - come back to London Op - I’ll ignore you😆

A few summers ago we stayed in a rural village in Ireland in a holiday let. Said village consisted of one tiny Spar, 5 pubs, a hairdressers and a petrol pump. The cottage had a key-safe type thing so we didn't need to meet anyone but the neighbour (down the road) seemed to assume the role of guardian-of-the-cottage.

First day she knocked, welcomed us to the village asked what our occupations were and where we were from and gave us a packet of shortbread. Lovely, we thought. Day two we heard knocking very early in the morning, it was her just 'driving by and checking everything is ok', again, lovely we thought. Day 3 we got back after a day out and she called that evening, wondering why we locked the door when we went out. She came in for a 'quick coffee' and was still talking at midnight. Day 4 she knocked and walked in....

Nightmare @sniffingthewax!

Moved to a large village in northumberland from a city near London. I didn't want to but had to because of DH. I've lived here 11 years now and hate it. Unless you are at least 3rd generation you're considered an outsider. There's a Facebook group where every issue turns into 'there's too many outsiders'. I'm not joking, a local business closed down recently and someone blamed it on 'the outsiders'. Everyone is related to everyone and all they do is gossip. I hate walking down the street and knowing everyone. I miss being anonymous. Sometimes I'm just not in the mood to talk to people every time I leave the house. Everyone seems to be an alcoholic and there's a real drug problem with teenagers which everyone seems to be oblivious to. The men perv on any 'fresh meat' ie new women or teenage girls who move here. But it's seen as this wonderful place to live. I did try in the first few years but I've given up now. People are friendly enough to me but I'll never be included.

Hello .... village dweller here .... you are the newbies from the city. People will talk about you until you start to fit in. Please try to integrate with the community, get to know people, get involved in stuff going on around you and talk to people. We country types talk about each other because we live in smaller communities where it is normal to know everyone, not because we are malicious gossips who are out to puck on new comers.

What MrsExpo says - it isn't "nosiness" - it's being interested.

We all speculate on other people - there'd be something wrong with anyone that didn't wonder about new neighbours etc. It's human nature - they will be wondering where you are from, why you have chosen to move, and whether you will be joining in village life or keeping yourself to yourself - just as you would be if someone moved into your street in London,

How much longer do you have to live there Cup?

I lived in a smallish country village for about 18 months a few years ago, while on a temporary contract. I was simultaneously ignored and gossiped about and it was a nightmare from start to finish. It was obvious I wasn't wanted there, wasn't welcomed and I swear the local shop increased their prices of some things just for me.

I have never met so many bigoted, racist, narrow minded people in my entire life. They acted as if they were more superior than others just because they could trace their heritage in the county 500 generations and by god the inbreeding showed. Some of the people in the village even refused to go to the Far East or west of thar county, let alone cross the border into the next one. It was awful. I went back with my partner for a short break a few weeks ago and it's still a shithole. Fab hotel though.

That sounds hard @CupCupGoose [hugs]

We know everyone on our street in London! Well, almost everyone. We look after each others' cats, kids, houses and have a street party every year. We also know the shopkeepers, librarians, etc. But like someone else said--no one's the authority on a 'way of life'.?

I grew up in a village and left as soon as I could. It was awful. Everyone massively nosy and miserable about everyone else with lashings of racism and entrenched misogyny. I'm sure there are lovely villages but I've found a better sense of community in London than anywhere else.

Nah, it wasn't 'being interested' where I grew up. It was looking for an opportunity to shit on others from a height.

Hi OP having recently left a village, where I lived with my ex and DC for 16 years - I now live a in a large town and I love it. So much more to do here and people in my street are pretty friendly, we have get togethers and a very friendly local. Village life can be intense and cliquey - you have to choose your friends wisely ( I was naive and lacking in confidence and looking back I ended up in a snobby clique - who have all dumped me now I am divorced). Of course you get good and bad everywhere. Trouble is it can be like stepping back to the 1950s (where men can't cook, clean, iron or look after children) and some people are very insular and think they own the village and you mustn't step out of line or attempt to change/suggest things. Just make sure you have outside friends too (bit like the advice you'd give your kids at school!) On the other hand, my DC loved it and wish we still lived there - we did have a nice house and big garden.

Great Thread btw

I have lived in our village for
6 years and moved up the road from another village previously, that was harder as anyone would have thought we had moved to Outer Mongolia these days villages are moulded in to larger areas, I travel out to other villages and small
Towns as you have to drive further out these days, some one mentioned the pub, but after 5 years it can get claustrophobic as well as I am not being mean It can become boring and predictable, but everyone probably feels like that from time to time, I hosted my 40th birthday and had a house warming party combined when we moved in, it went down pretty well, and met parents at the school as well as Ywi ladies and partners
and people down the Pub... sometimes it can be gossipy and everyone knows your business, but that can happen in the suburbs too. If you are used to hussle and bustle and a fast paced lifestyle, then village life is completely the opposite. Also so many people travel out to visit family and friends, as well
Work so only the people with small children build a life in the village also Facebook is a nightmare especially when you live around the corner from each other😮xxx

I agree about the driving. I drive fairly fast but safely. I was pulling up on my drive after having moved up here only a few months and the neighbour said 'You'll never change'. Which I thought was a bit uncalled for.

I live in a village. Your idea of safe isn't mine. Where I am there are no pavements so even if someone doesn't actually hit you, a fast car going past is intimidating. You feel like you can't leave your house without being in a car, because of all the idiots driving too fast in their cars. You're likely to encounter horses, cows and even on occasion a horse and cart so driving fast isn't good, no matter how safe you think you are.

My friend ended up marrying a man and moving into his cottage near the Welsh borders. It’s not even in a village. Everything is damp and there’s constant mud everywhere. This is what she hates the most - she has to wear wellies just to get to the car. They are flooded all the time. The lanes are dangerous and it’s so hard to get out with young kids as there’s no pavements. The village is boring and she feels so isolated, even though she’s super-friendly. There’s one Chinese takeaway with a one-star hygiene rating. She misses things like Deliveroo and Uber so much, or even being able to just get a decent coffee to cheer you up on a grim day. She is on anti-depressants now and she’s trying to persuade the DH to move but he won’t because he’s lived in that house all his life (he bought his parents out). He spends most of his time in a shed they have in their land, messing about with bric-a-brac and vehicle parts He won’t help her at all. I get a bad vibe from him actually. The biggest events are the tractor fair and some other event about villagers designing mousetraps (?). I don’t think she’ll last much longer. She’s worried about the kids growing up because they just sit in playgrounds drinking or doing drugs and their outlook is sadly quite bleak.

Rural dweller here.

Time, OP, you need to give it time. You've only been there for 5 minutes, for goodness sake.

Are you in a village with quite a few incomers, are there only a few, or just you? This can make a huge difference IME.

As others have said, walking a dog about can help you to meet people, as long as your dog isn't annoying which can have the opposite result! As can offering to walk your neighbours' dogs or feed their cats when needed. Via the DCs is another way, but that usually takes time, as you are discovering. Or a hobby, like running or Am Dram.

Dial things back a bit, that's my best advice. Just smile and say a friendly hello to people as they pass you. Every time. Even if they ignore you!

Hi @thistimeofyear. Thanks for your post. Thankfully it doesn't seem to be like that here - behind the times compared to cities perhaps, but would not compare to 1950s.

I am told I am quite savvy at choosing friends really - I seem to pick up on bad vibes that others might not.