AIBU to be this low about being 40? And to ask for positive stories please

[DianeWhatcock]

I turned 40 the other day and I am not remotely coping with it.

seeing 40 on my cards honestly made me feel sick. I remember my mum turning 40, I was 18 and 40 just seemed absolutely ancient and now that's how I look to younger people. Its scary how fast it has come to me, I still feel about 25 inside ...if I actually felt 40 it might be easier?

I cry often and just feel so low. Every day I wake up in a panic that that is another day gone like my life is just going by in a flash. My life is good, I am healthy physically, I have a DH who loves me and 3 children who I just adore. I have my own house (well a mortgage) and no real money worries.

10 years ago I was skint, on benefits, had 2 children under 3, no job or any prospects and was about to get kicked out of my private rental yet I would go back there in a heartbeat. Because despite all that I was happy as larry, I still had that youthful optimism and excitement. In fact until fairly recently I used to wake up happy and excited, now I just wake up tearful feeling dread. I don't even want sex with DH anymore because I don't feel sexy. I am terrified of the menopause cos that will be next.

I don't want to feel like this, I really want to be happy again and make the most of my life again. So I am hoping for a kick up the bum and for posters to tell me that being 40 is ok. Sorry for rambling woe is me post

I thing you are confused. Why ever you should think there is a problem in being 40? Something else is going on, even at 70 barring a few aches and pains, it is a good age. 40 was bloody marvellous. Look elsewhere to work out why you are unhappy

The alternative is much worse!

Seriously, though, one of the best things about getting older is caring much less about what other people think. I’m 41 and thinking “so what?” so much more often is extremely liberating.

Also when you have young kids you lose yourself! It’s time for you to consider your life goals

Where do you want to go
What do you want to see
What do you want to learn

My mum is 62 and absl gorgeous and I have a really positive view on ageing because of her and my grandparents, who stayed fit til their 80s. Are you keeping fit? I think that makes a huge difference. Hope you feel better soon.

I get it, I really do. I missed my youth and had some regret over missed opportunities etc. But you need to change your mindset as all you are doing is wasting energy on it.

Enjoy your life as you will never again be as young as you are today.

I used to feel emotional about getting older and then I heard a saying, I don’t remember the exact phrasing but it was something like ‘Don’t feel sad about growing older - it is a privilege denied to many’ and I think about that every time I feel bad and it makes me feel grateful instead.

I just turned 40, it's bloody brilliant! I'm so much more chilled out, open minded and definitely thicker skinned. All the 20s neuroses gone, all kids done and dusted, teeny morgage and travel prospects on the horizon with DH.
I had my wobble at 35 if it helps!

I agree that something else is going on. It's almost as if being 40 has simply given you permission to feel like this. If you'd felt like this two years ago you'd be thinking of going to the GP about your depression, wouldn't you? so do that.

I'm ten years older than you and have some white hairs and have just got varifocals. I've also recently got my second dan karate, which ten years ago simply would not have occurred to me. In the last 15 years I've also returned to a couple of hobbies I love.

Last year I realised that I was the same age as my mother-in-law was when we first met, which was quite startling; because back in 1989 she was old.... (to be fair, my parents' generation had all lost their natural hair colour by then. don't know whether it was the war or the seventies) so I see where you're coming from on this. Take heart! We're living a lot longer now and at least some of us are healthier for longer.

I honestly think it's about where you want your life to be. I just turned 40 and it's made me reassess. I do understand what you mean about ten years ago having the youthful optimism that you had time for this to change , you still do but I did find that slightly harder to accept.

4 years ago my friend turned 40 and had a hard time with it. I fully admit I absolutely could not fathom her attitude. Well of course at the time I couldn't I thought I was happily married with a child and one on the way with a career I loved. In the intervening 4 years before I turned 40 my marriage broke down , my company went under and I had a stroke. So I turned 40 in a vastly different circumstance which frankly is probably karma for being un empathetic to my friend.

However it's got nothing to do with age. I had a very minor wobble near my birthday , but in reality it was because we were moving again and things were unsteady yet again as they have been for 4 years. However we are finally getting some very very hard won peace now.

Very slowly inch by inch. However it's made me realise it is nothing to do with my age and all to do with my life. And the kicker is i have the power to control my life.

I'm now in better shape than I was when I was 17 , I'm more confidant and self assured than I have been my entire life and I've stopped putting off my goals.

40 for women isn't even middle aged and honestly right now if you offered me to swop even for my 21 year old self I wouldn't take you up on it.

It's perspective and assessing your life. Not age. If you want something to change...change it , it's irrelevant how old you are.

Embrace it and remember that far too many people do not have the luxury of hitting milestone birthdays. I am hitting a "big" birthday next week and everyone keeps asking me "how I feel". I wasn't aware I had to "feel" any different. Who decides what 40 / 50 /60 means anyway! I do however understand what you mean with the "I don't feel 40" - I don't feel my age and am slightly bemused how I can be this old . What DO you want to feel like? Visualise that rather on focusing on what you don't want to feel.

40 is nothing, I’m 54, so what? The menopause wasn’t that bad, for me, and I’m not on any HRT. I give far fewer fucks than I used to, and don’t do things just because other people want me to, I know who I am, and am much more settled in myself

There’s a lot of people don’t get to 40 or 50 or 60 and I don’t think you ever feel your age, I feel about 35

Time does go fast, so don’t waste the next ten years bemoaning 40 and then you’ll suddenly be 50

Im 40 in the new year, dreading it with a passion. I remeber my mam being 40 and it being old. Id not go back to 30 it wasnt a happy time, but am probably no happier now, just older. Am with you op

I feel like I am not ready to be 40

I know that probably sounds ridiculous, because who is? I also hate how society is so youth obsessed, music, fashion, beauty, it all seems like its for young people...that doesn't help me not feel past it

I have considered going to the doctors as it seems excessive quite how bad I am feeling. But at the same time don't want to waste their time :/

Thank you all for replying x

I know it's a bit heavy, but I lost a friend to ovarian cancer - she was only 37. She would have loved to have reached 40 and have a few more years with loved ones.

Now I see aging completely differently, exactly as a PP says, each passing year is a privilege.

I started periods menopause in late 30's and felt dreadful. Go get checked. Could be something simple as a vitamin deficiency.

I also hate how society is so youth obsessed, music, fashion, beauty, it all seems like its for young people yes it is - but at 40 you're still young enough to enjoy most of it. The time to worry is when you've completed your next 40 years!

I was 18 and 40 just seemed absolutely ancient and now that's how I look to younger people. No you don't, 40 year olds now look younger than they did 20 years ago. It's much more difficult to work out exactly how old a woman is.

I freaked out the summer I turned forty, a year later I got over it honestly it’s probably normal, I felt weird about being halfway through my life and that I wasn’t anything special so embarrassing

Anyway I kept chugging on and I hang around with more people my own age and older and I definitely have more perspective now. I stopped trying so hard and chilled out, I think it’s natural to feel weird about it, you’re considered young up to forty, then you’re old ! That’s weird

I had cancer at 34 and thought I’d never hit 40 and see my children grow up. So I’m really grateful for every year. It truly is a privilege to grow older when so many are taken young.

40 doesn’t seem that old these days. Look around at people in their 50s/60s and beyond enjoying a full life. I get inspired by stories of people running marathons in their 70s.

I didn’t notice 40.

50 I had a hissy fit!

You can’t change it 🤷🏻‍♀️

It could be hormonal so may be worth going to the doctors?

I had a total meltdown so totally sympathise.

I went on the pill a few months before the big day as I was painfully aware of the onset of menopause and thought it would be nice to have some condom free sex before I started to get too old to be interested. BIG mistake, I developed the most hideous anxiety, ended up crying constantly and felt very low. I made myself go for a run the morning of my 40th (I am a runner and I love going at 5am in the dark - we live in the country). I basically sobbed hysterically for the whole run. Got back and felt so sick I couldn't eat the breakfast my husband had arranged. Was hysterical at the idea of anyone buying me a gift or celebrating in any way. The day before I sat sobbing trying to make myself put nail varnish on because we were going out for a lovely lunch on my birthday just me and DH.

It was hideous. The penny dropped the day after my birthday that the pill wasn't helping me one bit. I stopped the pill that day. My DH still refers to my birthday as my 'having a strop because I wasn't getting what I wanted'. Despite the fact I had spent months being adamant I didn't want presents at all. He bought me one despite that.

I spent months thinking about it afterwards and sobbing.

The weekend after my birthday I threw out half my clothes as I decided I was old and ugly.

I still feel wretched about it and I turn 42 in Feb.

It didn't help that i'd watched people's 40th celebrations on FB for months and was sick at the idea of being made to do something similar. The memory of it ruined my 41st also. I'm desperately hoping my 42nd is better.

I feel for you OP and don't think you are being silly. 40 is awful.
You might just have to drag yourself up, put on some lipstick and make the best of it - if not for you, for those around you.

I feel you OP. I remember when I was 17 my boyfriend’s mum was in her late 30s, and I remember thinking she was a fat old lady. Now I’m in that position (except even worse because I’m nowhere near as well off as she was). I remember starting my first job aged 24 and thinking my 36yo boss was a fat old lady too (and again I’m older now but nowhere near as well off as she was). I remember my parents being my age, and now their lives are over and it’s happened so quickly. I’m scared that if they can go from 40-death so quickly then so can I.

The last time I felt young was age 28. I still had some hope and optimism left at that point, I was still expecting my life to turn out well. Since then the years seem to have disappeared so quickly. I’m no further forward and I’m now facing the reality that it may be too late for my life to turn out as I wanted. I think it’s that loss of hope and optimism that has really knocked me down. The realisation that what I hoped for will never happen because it’s too late.

Maybe if your life has gone well and you’ve achieved your dreams then turning 40 is more of a celebration. But for those of us who have failed, 40 is just the point where hope dies and we have to acknowledge that we’ve failed.

I turned 40 last year, it hasn’t really bothered me. I went through a brief phase of being broody but I knew that, for me, that was madness and it has passed.

I’m enjoying living my life now, not looking back at my youth with rose-tinted glasses. Some things I enjoyed then I would hate now and vice-versa. There are things I regret from the past but a lot of that was just growing up. I’m pleased with where I am and what I’ve achieved and even if I wasn’t there’s loads of my life left!

I’ve also had a few people I know die in their early 40s. From cancer and tragic, sudden accidents. So I think there is a real value in celebrating being alive today and every day.

All the 20s neuroses gone, all kids done and dusted, teeny morgage and travel prospects on the horizon with DH
If I was in this situation I might feel better. But my DC is 1yo and I’ve realised I won’t be free to have nights out or travel until I’m nearly 60. I’ll be old before I’m free. House prices shot up so much that I couldn’t afford a mortgage till I was 35 so again, I‘ll be old before I’m free. I’m trapped for the majority of the rest of my life, all of the excitement and freedom is behind me. My exciting Future, which was once ahead of me, is now behind me, and quite frankly it’s more disappointing than I hoped or imagined. I thought I was going to be successful and important but I’m not. I thought the world would value me but it doesn’t. It didn’t happen and now it never will. The few people who did value me are slowly disappearing one by one. And so will I.

I was dreading turning 40,felt really panicky about it and had all the same thoughts as you. Then I got cancer at 39 and turning 40 just seemed like a real privilege. It's all about perspective.