AIBU to be this low about being 40? And to ask for positive stories please

[DianeWhatcock]

I turned 40 the other day and I am not remotely coping with it.

seeing 40 on my cards honestly made me feel sick. I remember my mum turning 40, I was 18 and 40 just seemed absolutely ancient and now that's how I look to younger people. Its scary how fast it has come to me, I still feel about 25 inside ...if I actually felt 40 it might be easier?

I cry often and just feel so low. Every day I wake up in a panic that that is another day gone like my life is just going by in a flash. My life is good, I am healthy physically, I have a DH who loves me and 3 children who I just adore. I have my own house (well a mortgage) and no real money worries.

10 years ago I was skint, on benefits, had 2 children under 3, no job or any prospects and was about to get kicked out of my private rental yet I would go back there in a heartbeat. Because despite all that I was happy as larry, I still had that youthful optimism and excitement. In fact until fairly recently I used to wake up happy and excited, now I just wake up tearful feeling dread. I don't even want sex with DH anymore because I don't feel sexy. I am terrified of the menopause cos that will be next.

I don't want to feel like this, I really want to be happy again and make the most of my life again. So I am hoping for a kick up the bum and for posters to tell me that being 40 is ok. Sorry for rambling woe is me post

Diane, I'm 40 too :) I know how you feel about time flying by. It almost seems like it speeds up the older we get! But how about taking some positive steps to improving your physical, emotional and mental well being? I recommend blood tests to see if you're deficient in anything, it can happen that us women as we get older need more of certain vitamins and nutrients- it has a strong impact on our emotional health. Maybe the taking a magnesium supplement, iron too. Also how about starting mindfulness meditation? Yoga? Things for you to enjoy. To be honest even though I'm 40 I'm in way better shape than I was 10 years ago. At 30 I was running marathons but now I'm doing yoga and feel much stronger and flexible than ever before so there is hope yet for us! Just because we're getting older doesn't mean that we can't be in the best physical, emotional and mental forms of our lives. Find something that you feel passionate about, out with of your family and work life, something just for you that'll bring you back to balance. And good luck xx

Imagine going to the doctor.
So what is wrong with you?
I'm forty.

I understand, I do, it took me a while to get over it. You will too. You have to. We are lucky to be alive.

I thought I 'handled' turning 30 totally seamlessly - no frights, no frets, just another year filled with adventure ahead of me. What's not to like?

Then a few months afterwards, it hit me like a sledgehammer. The ages of all my teen crushes freaked me out. The knowledge that all of my 'ideal life' plans involved a starting point a few years back. That my official 'youth' was over.

The only solution is to do whatever it is you want to be achieving - not silly things like buying a car - life plans that you will live every day.

Why are so many of you comparing yourselves with the childish and judgemental views that your teenage selves had of older women? Who gives a shit what silly teenagers think...

You need to see the value in age, yes culture is often obsessed with beauty but you are just feeding in to it. The culture is also obsessed with sexualising children, so why are you giving cultural norms value? There is much to be valued and learned when getting older. Need to change your perspective.

Obsessed with youth as beauty**

Oh god, don't go to the doctor and say you're sad about ageing

most teenagers don't like little babies either, they just care about themselves.

I'm still a couple of years off 40 so time will tell if I have a wobble over it, but at the moment I'm facing it with much more optimism than I did turning 30.

I had a real crisis over turning 30- I felt like it's achieved nothing, still living at home, not much money, never had a serious relationship and had spent my teens and best part of my twenties overweight and depressed.

As I approach 40 I have a lovely partner, am engaged although still living at home (complicated!) Finances are looking up and I'm fitter, slimmer and healthier than I've ever been.

A few years ago I found out that I had a 50% chance of inheriting a rather nasty degenerative neurological disease. I'm trying my best to stay positive, do all the things I've always wanted to do while I still can. I don't want to look back and think I could have done so much more.

Hated being a teenager and in my twenties. Best years so far have been from 30 +.
No angst, no worrying what other people think, dressing how you want and not giving a flying flamingo about other people's 'dramas'.
Have done more in the last twenty years, than I ever did as a 'young person'.
If you feel 25 OP, then be that age. Don't feel that you have to conform!

You should be thankful you’ve reached 40. Look at my username and you’ll work out why I think that.

I left my twat of an ex husband at 40, just turned 50 and am happily remarried to his complete opposite! Turning 50 has been a bit of a turmoil for me but I'm menopausal and struggling with it. You shouldn't have to deal with all that for a good few years though.

I agree with other posters that this probably has more to do with fears about the future and other things than with your actual age.

This will sound ridiculous but I experienced several months of depression about turning 26 several years ago! I really fell into proper Clinical Depression over it- which just sounds so silly now but I bet when you're 50/60 you'll look back on this and wonder why you were so down about turning 40.

It sounds like the main things you feel that being 40 puts a stop to are:

• Feeling hopeful for the future
• Feeling attractive
• Feeling excited

So maybe work on those things?

You are looking at this the wrong way. You can’t go backwards - this is as young as you’ll ever be. And ten years time (God willing) and even more so in 20 years, you’ll look back at 40 and think how young you were. Enjoy it now - otherwise you’ll be looking back and wondering why you didn’t appreciate what you had. No one can turn the clock back - stop wasting your best years wishing you could.

Hmm. Never really bothered me. It is bothering me now I'm 45 and younger DH's new best friend (from work ) is 23. Very mature and we all get on very well but it just makes me feel weird knowing I'm old enough to be his Mum ( I might add, I still feel 20 ish, and can pass for 30's easily)

That does make me hate being 45! But what can you do!!!

40's is definitely younger than it was in the 90's.

As others have said, look away from your age to work out why you're not happy. I'm about to turn 40 and am the happiest I've ever been I think. And despite the few wrinkles and greys starting to emerge I'm the most attractive I've ever been as well - care less, more confident, nothing to prove and I know what works for me.

I turned 40 recently and I know how you feel, especially about losing that hopefulness that we tend to have when we are younger.

However, for me, things are the best they will probably ever be. Both my parents are reasonably healthy, which won't be true forever. I left a disasterous relationship 7 years ago and really had quite a hard time of it.
However, I have since remarried and moved to the far east. This has also meant that I am now doing a job which is far less stressful than I was previously doing and also much better paid. We have a house (rented out) in the UK, healthy children who are doing extremely well and are soon-to-be debt free and in a position to save, as well as now having the money for a busy social life.

Due to lack of job stress, I also now have time to exercise, so am spending 4 hours a week playing sports and exercising.

I know I am not as attractive as I used to be (for me, late 20s and early 30s was my prime), but I can cope with that!

This is soooooo me!
When I hit 40 I had a wonderful surprise party.
It was truly amazing.
But, I was in the loo's sobbing my heart out 'I don't wanna be 40' Like a proper child!
I got over it.
I had my 50th last year and it didn't bother me at all.
Another surprise party and I had an absolute ball!
Loved it!
I think, like others, I was glad to be alive after losing my younger sister only 7 months previously.
My first big birthday without her.
So I made sure I had a good time. Exactly as she would have wanted.

I totally get it @DianeWhatcock

I also clearly remember thinking 40 was ancient. I also feel mentally 25 (although definitely not physically!) and just don't feel like a 'grown up' yet. I feel like I'm still waiting for some magic day when I suddenly feel like an adult. In my case I massively struggled with turning 40 as I had hoped I would be pregnant way before then. We'd lost 3 babies in 3 years by that point and I had so much hope that I'd be finally holding our baby by the time I was 40 but it wasn't the case, so I refused point blank to celebrate. I've still not put my cards up and my birthday was in June. I made a pact with myself that I wouldn't celebrate 40 until I am holding my baby. So as far as I'm concerned I am still in my 30's!

@Frazzlerock yes! This is exactly what I mean I don't feel like a grown up! I honestly sometimes feel like a kid trapped in an adults body not knowing what the fuck to do or how to act

I hope your baby dream comes true very soon btw x

I turned 40 a few months ago! 4 kids aged from 3 years to 13 years. I don't have a pension pot. I don't yet own a house (we rent, nearly ready to buy). I don't know op. Its temping to get hacked off time is moving fast but that is life. That is just the deal. I have found 40 a kind of great push into a different sort of life. I have started running. Started my great love, my novel. I am getting braces to get my wonkey teeth straight. I am finding I am more focused and go for what I want. I never had this kind of focus in the last 20 years. That time was all about the kids/moving/crappy jobs. I was laid back, happy to go with the flow. Now I want my life. This is me now, rising. I can't see this next decade any other way op. I think you need a shake up. You need something to get excited about.

Yes! September sunshine! Yes!

On my 40th I was in the oncology ward getting chemo for ovarian cancer. I'm now 60 and so grateful to be alive. If you're feeling down about being 40, I'm sure there are plenty of women who'd happily swap with you.

I understand OP, I am way older than you and I hate it! I would love to be 40 again, to me that’s very young and life is still full of possibilities

I am 37 next year. My mother died at 42 and for some reason in my head I feel like a clock is ticking for me. Logically I know it’s ridiculous, my grandmother lived into her 90s but there’s this voice in my head saying “quick do what you need before it’s too late”. Totally crazy I know but I think when I turn 40 I will be feeling the same as you!

I turned 40 this year. I have mixed feelings about it. I definitely look older when I look in the mirror and I feel a bit left behind on the career side of things as I had dc very young and then faffed around with so many different options in my 20s/30s. But to be honest when I see people who did do the things that I used to want to do, there have been many downsides and in many ways I probably did better in terms of free time and personal satisfaction.

Financially I'm very secure now (mostly due to DH), and I decided to have another dc in my late 30s when I was facing the option of another child or going back to work. So my toddler is keeping me young and on my toes!

I think that I never had that 'feeling like a child inside' thing as an adult, as I became a parent so young, and that made me grow up quickly and take my responsibilities seriously.

The best thing about it for me is caring much less about what others think - I can let things go more easily and just (internally) roll my eyes and think 'Fuck off' rather than worrying about people-pleasing and meeting societal expectations.