AIBU to be this low about being 40? And to ask for positive stories please

[DianeWhatcock]

I turned 40 the other day and I am not remotely coping with it.

seeing 40 on my cards honestly made me feel sick. I remember my mum turning 40, I was 18 and 40 just seemed absolutely ancient and now that's how I look to younger people. Its scary how fast it has come to me, I still feel about 25 inside ...if I actually felt 40 it might be easier?

I cry often and just feel so low. Every day I wake up in a panic that that is another day gone like my life is just going by in a flash. My life is good, I am healthy physically, I have a DH who loves me and 3 children who I just adore. I have my own house (well a mortgage) and no real money worries.

10 years ago I was skint, on benefits, had 2 children under 3, no job or any prospects and was about to get kicked out of my private rental yet I would go back there in a heartbeat. Because despite all that I was happy as larry, I still had that youthful optimism and excitement. In fact until fairly recently I used to wake up happy and excited, now I just wake up tearful feeling dread. I don't even want sex with DH anymore because I don't feel sexy. I am terrified of the menopause cos that will be next.

I don't want to feel like this, I really want to be happy again and make the most of my life again. So I am hoping for a kick up the bum and for posters to tell me that being 40 is ok. Sorry for rambling woe is me post

I hear you. I remember my 40th feeling like a kick in the stomach. I'm over it now 3 years later! I guess we all have to accept time goes faster than we would like.

I know what you mean. I feel the same and worried about being an old invisible woman. However recently I booked myself a holiday of a lifetime. Somewhere I have wanted to go all my life so now I can't wait to turn 40 😊😊 and go there

I remember being 18 and thinking that 40 was ancient. Here I am late 40s, fitter, healthier, leaner, much better looking than at any time in my 20s and 30s. Since hitting 40 life has been so much better. I no longer care about others' opinons of me, pleasing others etc. I developed the confidence to do what is right for me and my family and take part in activities I enjoy, not what society thinks I should do. I'm loving it!

God, this is a bleak thread. And perhaps one I should not have read as I fairly regularly have similar thoughts!

A few years off 40 myself but I think ever since I hit my mid-30s I've been realising just how short life actually is and how scared I am of death. My life up until this point feels like it's gone quite quickly and time only ever seems to speed up so surely the rest of my life will be over in a flash... And the majority of the second half will not be doing things for me but my children..

I know that means I should feel even more of an impetus to make the most of each day but in a way the brevity of life almost makes achieving anything seem futile.. Plus with a 3 and a 1 year old, about 95% of my mental capacity is taken up with them so doesn't leave much emotional (or physical!) energy for setting the world (or even my own) on fire...

So no, not just you OP.

Oh and it probably doesn't help that my 70-year-old mother is currently living out the rest of her days in a care home with dementia and not knowing who I nor her grandchildren are.

10 years ago I was skint, on benefits, had 2 children under 3, no job or any prospects and was about to get kicked out of my private rental yet I would go back there in a heartbeat. Because despite all that I was happy as larry, I still had that youthful optimism and excitement

I find it hard to believe you truly were happy in the described circumstances (who WOULD be??).

More likely you’re just looking back through rose-tinged glasses, much the way you’ll do at 40 when you’re 50 and beyond.

I'm relishing the fact I'm turning 40 next year. I've had 3 houses, 4 jobs and 2 kids in the last ten years. My 30s have definitely been the hardest decade of my life and I'll be glad to see the bloody back of them.

Yes, facing 40 does make you analyze your life. Yes it does make you question your decisions, make you think that there's probably a lot of things out there that you will never do. But at the same time, with the invisiblity of being past it (ie over 25 ) comes greater freedom. Because no one is watching, you can do what you want and nobody cares anymore. It's great.

I'm hoping I'm not even half way through my time here. I've had two people very close to me in the last 12 months have a serious cancer diagnosis. One may not make it to my age. It's really put everything into perspective for me.

I felt wobbly when I turned 40 so I sympathize. But...you know what...I'm 42 and the past two years went by quick ! You are the youngest you will ever be !!

Enjoy yourself and be happy OP for we are all going to die one day. Modern culture wants us to pretend that isn't happening ....

You don't really want to be going again - you have been really successful...imagine being 40 but you stuck with a young person's life no partner no kids.

You are living appropriately for 40 ...you are where you should be.

It is a cruel trick the way we age...but embrace it...see the fragility and brief life we have on earth and just enjoy it ..knowing how it all fades !

Where does this fear of being "past it" come from?

Is it the worst thing in the world if (young) men don't lust after you? Is your entire self esteem based on being perceived as attractive/sexy/hot by men?

What is this "becoming invisible" thing some women mention? Is it about not being Wolf whistled, not being chatted up, not being looked up and down appreciatively?

Just some questions from a "past it" and "invisible" woman at almost 50

Not being catty, just trying to understand. I seem to not have this fear of numbers/aging. I accept that to teens I am old. Young men don't lust after me. But it really does not bother me

Try and be kind to yourself, have fun, cherish friendships. You only have one life. This is it. Try to count the positives and enjoy it

I do almost mourn being young, I don't like being 40-something but a friend was killed at 43 and I've promised myself to savour all the years he never got.

I'm 41 in a few weeks and I have to say that being 40 has been hands down one of the absolute best fucking years of my life. I've just been so, so happy all the time. I've never been fitter, never been stronger, never been so slim as an adult, never been so toned and muscular, never had the kind of endurance I do now, never, ever been as physically capable. I've never been so utterly content in my own head and excited all at the same time.

I just have the feeling that my 40s are going to be the absolute best decade of my life to date. I mean who actually knows, I could be hit by a bus tomorrow, but I've been overwhelmed by how utterly great my life has become and just how utterly great it can keep on being. Do i wish it had been this great in my 20s and 30s? Yes, but I can't change the past, just appreciate the good, learn from the bad and have the best ever time in what's to come.

@alittleprivacy that's awesome so good to hear you're so happy. That's what I want

Tbh a lot of my 20s were awful, I was in a horrible relationship til I was 26 with my son's dad. I met DH at 28 who is great but we've had our issues, he's ten years older than me and has been married before so came with baggage and we had a lot of problems with me struggling to deal with the fact he'd had a family before me. I spent a lot of time in my early to mid 30s feeling unconfident and worried what people thought of me all the time. And having silly fall outs and dramas with friends like we were all 15. In the latter part of my 30s I've been much happier and content and not given as much of a shit about others opinions

I am also fitter than I've ever been, I started running a year ago and I'm slim and fit. I've not smoked for years and I eat healthily.

Yet I'm not happy. I've had another cry today and it's not even 9am.

I feel like I am not ready to be 40

I know that probably sounds ridiculous, because who is

I was! My life at 40 is a million times better than it was at 29. But I had a major falling out with a friend at about 26 and it still has repercussions now. Sometimes I see things about other mutual friends meeting up and I've cried hard about that.

So when you say I spent a lot of time in my early to mid 30s feeling unconfident and worried what people thought of me all the time. And having silly fall outs and dramas with friends like we were all 15* is there a chance the turning 40 is about looking back sadly on that wasted time rather than being 40 itself?

Stupid bolding didn't work. Trying again.

So when you say I spent a lot of time in my early to mid 30s feeling unconfident and worried what people thought of me all the time. And having silly fall outs and dramas with friends like we were all 15 is there a chance the turning 40 is about looking back sadly on that wasted time rather than being 40 itself?

You sound like you're in a really good place.

I'm not sure why you've fixated on 40 as this knell of doom.

You have so much to offer, give and do. So much.

You'll look back in 10 years and think how young you were at 40. And you'll feel a bit foolish.

My mum always said her age was never a consideration in her choices. She just did what she wanted to do. Who was to stop her?

Grab each day and relish it. It's far better than the alternative.

Age is just a number op.

A good friend died when they were 31. I'm sure they would have loved to have turned 40! I'm not trying to be facetious, but you are being very unreasonable - you have things that some people can only dream of: your health, your marriage, your children, your own home and no money worries. In the nicest possible way you need to get an bit of a grip and turn your thinking around to appreciate the positives in your life for what they are. If you genuinely can't do that, then I would strongly suggest you try counselling or seek help for your mental health.

I finished my cancer treatment shortly before my 40th birthday. I loved turning 40!

Honestly, it's just a number and it is what you make of it.

Fuck me. I'm 33 and can't wait to be 40 and have a career again by then, I'll have finished my OU degree and will have way more freedom as my DS will be almost 10 then!

What exactly do you feel you've missed out on in life? Write it down. Then go do it!

Also ultimately, can you change being 40? Nope. So 🤷‍♀️ fuck it and live your life before you look back at 50 and kick yourself even more.

I hear ya! I'm struggling being in my 40s - will be 44 in jan.

The zeros are horrible. I was pregnant with my first child at 40, so that particular milestone passed me by in a cloud of morning sickness and acid reflux.

50 on the other hand ..... I was pretty depressed, but I talked myself round. I lost my lovely sister when I was 28 and she was 27. I remember thinking .... gosh, she would have been 49 this year - she'd have hated that! And maybe she would have (ok,I KNOW she would have) but it made me realise what a privilege it was to reach 50. I'm 52 now and knackered with an 11 year old and 7 year old in tow, but I feel very lucky to be here.

I'm so sorry to all the people that have lost loved ones young and to the ones that have been ill (and I hope of course you all have many healthy years ahead) 💐

You're right, that does bring perspective.

I agree with the pps. Alternative is worse!

I often think it when people are complaining about their kids getting big.
I love watching my daughter grow and I never jokingly say I wish she wouldn’t.

(No judgement but when you’ve spent time with oncology kids you think about your words more carefully)

Op this is a phase. The sun will shine again.

I can’t speak for 40. I turn 33 this year but I can say that I give many less fucks as I age.

I have gotten better at relationships and filtering out twats, better sense of style, much less inhibited sexually....

Life is what you make of it. Take up a new hobby, rethink your wardrobe, paint your living room. Do something to give yourself a boost.

I understand OP, I'm 40 in a couple of months and I genuinely don't understand how I've reached this milestone already. I'm so down about it because I feel like I've wasted all those years so far.
My career isn't that great and I'm not where I want to be. 2 years ago I was diagnosed with an autoimmune arthritis and I'm now in daily pain. And I've been TTC for 3 years without success and my 3rd cycle of IVF has just ended in a miscarriage.
I look at my 40 years on this planet and I've got nothing to show for it and I'm pretty devastated at all the lost years that I frittered away with the arrogance of youth thinking that I had loads of time