To assume if my reception child isn't eating...

[Donkeykong2019]

My DD is in reception. Food has been an issue to the point she was under the dietician. She says she doesn't like school dinners but I have persevered because I want her to eat. I have assumed that school would notice if she isn't eating and would have told me?

I've been having a panic that she isn't eating and no one has told me!

school dinners would be my best bet for her trying new things.

As a parent of a food refuser I don't think that a busy school lunch environment is necessarily conducive for this especially if she is struggling a bit with adapting to the school day. One thing at a time.

My DS ate school lunches through primary school and didn't expand his repertoire much. It's only really in the last two years that peer (read: girlfriend ) pressure has encouraged him to eat a slightly wider range of foods.

Don't beat yourself up. Send a packed lunch and talk to the school.

I'm definitely going to do packed lunch tomorrow as it's ratatouille and I know that will go down like a lead balloon. Hopefully I will actually be able to get hold of the senco person as was trying on Friday.

My daughter is 4 and also a fussy eater.

At her school at least, non eating would be mentioned on the day (they pulled me aside to let me know she’d not eaten quickly enough and they had had to take her lunch away before she was done, once).

Also as a fussy eater - school lunches rather than packed, has worked wonders. Still quite limited at home but varied at school without much trouble, bar slow eating!

My Dcs have packed lunches. They are not allowed to throw anything away so when they get home you can see exactly what is left - usually just crumbs. It is reassuring.

Tbh if my child was being seen by a dietician then I would have flagged it up right at the beginning of school and asked them to keep an eye and feedback to you at the end of the day.
In my school, we do notice the ones who don't eat but this isn't always possible and could go unnoticed. I would happily feedback info to a class teacher if it means a child will eat.

Have a word with the school and if she's not eating then consider a packed lunch. It can depend on the member of staff and if they aren't consistent every day then it could get missed

Teachers have lunch breaks so midday supervisors take over, usually 3/4 for a whole school. They can’t possibly police.

It does sound like there are more additional needs here if she can’t cope with pick up sjs drop off. But that shouldn’t stop you talking i school - make time, go in and talk to the teachers before or after school. Don’t just accept there’s no contact, make the effort. And one lasting lesson: never trust the word of reception age kids, invariably skewed/inaccurate/partial info only. Get it straight from the horses mouth.

And stop being passive. That’s the most irritating sort of parenting. Children need (snd often want) clear boundaries. Find some and enforce them. She won’t thank you for allowing her to survive on a ferry limited diet. I still resent my parents for being so weak with with my fussy one I am very clear - you try what’s there, you don’t make horrible noises etc. And eat together - they model their behaviour from you.

You never see a fussy third world child.... we pander far too much in the west.

I'm absolutely not passive with her. However seeing as she would quite literally starve herself and she got to the point where she had multiple deficiencies then yes to an extent I will ensure that there is food she will and can eat.

This is why I'm not firmer with others though as the initial assumption is always what are the parents doing wrong.

Is the Senco suggesting an assessment pathway for you? And does your Dd have ARFID? In which case, I’d say normal approaches are probably not the way forward for her.

Yes. We are already under the developmental peads but I believe senco are supporting full assessment etc.

You never see a fussy third world child.... we pander far too much in the west.
Well if my child had been born in a developing country he'd have died at birth. Even if he'd somehow made it through he'd have died at 1 due to complications from when he was born. So he'd never had had chance to be fussy.

MDS here: school may or may not notice. BUT if a child is flagged up they will be watched and we would feed back to the teacher who would talk to the parent.

Just speak to school and ask them to make a note of how much she eats for a few days.

Your instincts with giving school dinners are not wrong. Seeing other people eat normalises food, she can watch others and social norms are modelled without it being a big deal. I think you did the right thing. I'd ask for the dinner staff to keep an eye. At my dds school, they have to ask to leave the table and ask to eat the sweet part of their meal. The dinner ladies would definitely notice if dd wasn't eating. Ive had a couple of notes too - one when dd was only having jacket potato every day and they were concerned it was a little limited. The other was when I let dd take a tiny amount of homemade cake in her packed lunch. Apparently it violated the healthy school lunch policy. Despite the fact that the hot meal kids had a cookie! Sorry derailing. I think you had the right idea, you just need someone to check for you at the school.

Ok, if the Senco is supporting a full assessment and you are currently being seen by paeds and have previously been under the dietician, then I’d suggest that attempting new foods when she’s at school isn’t the way forward. Send her to school with completely ‘safe’ foods for her, school aren’t going to put the effort into sorting it out and it’ll just add more pressure to her day if she’s already struggling.

You need to pick your battles.

If you have had some success introducing new foods at home, then continue with that.

If not, try serving family style in big bowls with a safe food she will eat and then others she’s not tried so she can pick and choose.

Remove the pressure and let her play with foods, encourage her to just touch/lick them if she will.

ARFID is really difficult to manage, be kind to yourself over this- let school know, but remove the pressure from you all if you possibly can.

My DN went through a phase of telling me she hated school dinners but eating it all because she wanted to eat with her friends. She would polish her plate and eat way better in school than she did at home (was with the dietician for food refusal at home) - you absolutely need to ask the school if there are any problems before you change things up.

I'm a lunchtime supervisor, i have seen other staff note down what specific kids pick and how much of it they eat. The also see what they eat from their packed lunch, these few kids do get encourage to eat and get a good amount of attention.
I would ring the school, I'm sure they will be able to sort something out specifically to answer your concerns. It isn't something that seems to be done as a matter of course as most kids don't necessarily have any specific concerns.

Do you have a communications book that you can write a request in? If not, as you can’t speak to the teacher at drop off or pick up, I’d suggest emailing the school and either dealing with it by email or asking for a brief appointment when you can chat about it.

My daughter is fussy. She has school dinners and sometimes tells me she didn’t eat anything but only once has the teacher said anything. We compromise by ensuring she has a big breakfast, I know she likes the mid morning snack and I send her in with an afternoon snack. I try to change the school meal if I can tell it’s something she really won’t like to either the school provided packed lunch or a jacket potato.

You never see a fussy third world child.... we pander far too much in the west.

Presumably the number of fussy children you see in the developing world depends on how much time you spend there. The fairly high infant mortality rate from malnutrition and other diseases probably goes some way to covering up the issue.

You never see a fussy third world child.... we pander far too much in the west.

Yep. Absolutely. Only mine would have died of the croup that left him with a sudden and severe phobia of almost all foods as a baby. So you’re right, he wouldn’t have been fussy, he’d have been dead.

I wonder if you see as many people who fail to engage their brains in critical thinking in developing countries.

Depends what you mean by the third world and fussy. I know plenty of poorer kids in India who won’t eat anything except potato curry and rice or rice and daal. The only thing that saves them from malnutrition is that in India poor women generally cook from home (or are part of unions where they all take turns to cook from home for others’ kids) and poorer people are less likely to waste things like potato skins etc. So food has more nutrients.

Phone up and make an appointment to see the teacher/senco. Explain that the child's food needs to be monitored. They will let the lunch time staff know and hopefully it'll get back to you. Bake flapjacks or biscuits to go in the packed lunches.

If she has sensory food issues peer pressure won't work on her.

In fact she is less likely to try new foods at school then at home, as school will already be a very stressful environment for her, she won't be adding to that stress by trying new foods.

You need to give her a packed lunch of food she likes.

Ladycop is absolutely right.

So try and change your view of school as a place where she will have the opportunity to try new foods. Take food right out of the equation - it's a place where she goes to learn about other things, so the only thing food is good for is fuel. Send her in with a lunchbox of things she'll eat and don't worry about it for a second more.

And I speak as the mother of a 14 year old who has the same lunchbox today as he did in primary one - a handful of grapes, three crackers, two slices of cheese and a yoghurt. School is not the place for him to overcome his sensory issues around food, it's a place where he needs to absorb enough food to get him through to the end of the day.

You're doing just fine though op.

It can be really hard to watch every child. The ratios are 1 adult to 90 children for lunchtimes (not enough if you ask me but that's not the point here). I know at our school though there are children who we are aware of and keep a special eye on. The TA you drop her off with/pick her up from will be more than capable of conveying that need if you speak with them about it. IME though if you are concerned about her eating you are far better off sending her in with a packed lunch.

One of mine was really difficult with food (ASD). School dinners did work in the end but not until y6 when they were old enough to decide for themselves that they wanted to eat a better range of food so it was their own choice to do it.

School is not the place to try new things. Even if the meal is something you’d make at home it won’t be the same in school.

The chances are that the teacher won’t be in the dinner hall but there are sometimes children who will sit on an adult supervised table. Also our school has a lunch club for children who find the noise and bustle of the dinner hall too much. Does your school have something like that?

*You never see a fussy third world child.... we pander far too much in the west.

Presumably the number of fussy children you see in the developing world depends on how much time you spend there. The fairly high infant mortality rate from malnutrition and other diseases probably goes some way to covering up the issue.*

Wow! You are saying some of the children dying in famines is he cause they are fussy eaters!! How shocking stupid and offensive!!