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AIBU?

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Original poster

To assume if my reception child isn't eating...

112 replies

Donkeykong2019 · 24/11/2019 08:32

My DD is in reception. Food has been an issue to the point she was under the dietician. She says she doesn't like school dinners but I have persevered because I want her to eat. I have assumed that school would notice if she isn't eating and would have told me?

I've been having a panic that she isn't eating and no one has told me!

OP posts:
Original poster
Donkeykong2019 · 24/11/2019 09:24

@Tvstar it wasn't quite so simple as that.

OP posts:
happytoday73 · 24/11/2019 09:25

My children's school keeps an eye on all reception children in first term spots who isn't eating and trys to work on them. If persist they let parent know best on packed lunches.

For a child with a food issue they would definitely keep an eye on them.
My son is a good eater but ate jacket potato with different fillings 4x a week on school meals at beginning but slowly over time has extended to the main option most days.
Chat to school.

SapphosRock · 24/11/2019 09:44

Also confused about the 10 pints of milk?! How on earth was she having all that?

Is she a healthy weight?

I would ask for a meeting with the school and see if anyone can monitor her for a week or so. I'm sure the school will be happy to accommodate if there have been issues.

changeforprivacy · 24/11/2019 09:51

We'll surely you knew your 4 year old was drinking 10 pints of milk? Why on earth did it take a referral to a dietitian for that to be a known issue?

I think you probably still need some intervention.

You are being quite passive about not speaking to the school and a meeting coming up. This is massively important and it doesn't air a minute to lift the phone and speak to school or to nip in and ask the office if you can arrange a chat with someone.

It's also obvious that she should have a packed lunch, you should be making it together so it's filled with good nutritious foods that she has been involved in choosing/making.

Sitting back and expecting school to notice if she eats or not is verging in the neglectful side of things, you really need to be pro active here

Original poster
Donkeykong2019 · 24/11/2019 10:12

They've said it was a sensory issue as we did only get sent to the dietician after we did extensive work with a HV and children's nurse to get her off it. It wasn't just a case of being too simple for me not to realise if wasn't good.

She's a skinny thing.

I will also fully admit I'm too passive, I have spent 3 years having to justify that I'm not actually an awful parent and it's hard to keep fighting when that's the default of people.

OP posts:
unlimiteddilutingjuice · 24/11/2019 11:23

I completely understand Donkeykong2019 and I think people are being hard on you. If your child has sensory issues (as mine does) its really not a case of just being picky and the usual parenting tactics wont work.
I find the best approach is just to provide safe foods and keep offering other stuff without pressure.
I know its very stressful for us as parents but we need to be really careful not to pass the stress along to the child as it really does make everything much worse.
How is she finding lunch time? Do you get the impression that shes sitting at lunch happily and just not eating much? Or does she find it stressful to be offered food she doesn't feel comfortable with? This would be the deciding factor for me.

insancerre · 24/11/2019 11:32

If you need to monitor what she eats you really need a meeting with the head
And send her with a packed lunch of things you know she will eat and make sure she brings everything she doesn’t eat back in the lunch box
I’ve seen children in school pick at their meal and then scrape it all in the bin and nobody seems to notice
I imagine the parents think that their children are eating

doritosdip · 24/11/2019 11:54

You can't assume that.
There's like 3 dinner ladies watching 200 kids and kids quickly learn how to make their plate look like they've had a go.

If the packed lunch is only half eaten I'd assume that she was eating half on a good day.

Original poster
Donkeykong2019 · 24/11/2019 14:07

Thank you.

I think I've spent so long having to prove myself that now my default is not to question/push for things.

I'm going to send her with packed lunch from now on which is frustrating as school dinners would be my best bet for her trying new things.

I did ask her and she says she can't have pudding if she doesn't have her meal but I'm not sure how this works in practice

OP posts:
NeedAUsernameGenerator · 24/11/2019 14:12

My 8yo is fussy and there were a couple of occasions in year R when she ate no lunch at all. No one from school told me even though I asked after the first time if I could be informed. DD told me herself, otherwise I would have had no idea.

Stripyhoglets1 · 24/11/2019 14:15

Just contact school and discuss it with them as to what is practical. I would try and stick with the dinners as the best chance to get her to branch out and try new things and ask if they will give her pudding even if she's not eaten main course as a reasonable adjustment as she needs to keep her calorie intake up. But if they cant/won't monitor her then go to packed lunch.
People don't understand when its not normal childhood fussiness at play just how entrenched and difficult food issues can be with children with sensory issues.

SleepingStandingUp · 24/11/2019 14:17

Think I've fucked up big time.
No you have not. We're just over half a term in, it's all new and aware it needs monitoring

Do you deal with a Senco Re adjusted times? If so I'd call them and explain. Say yo u were hoping daughter would be able to tell you it you're unsure what she's actually eating. Thry can monitor and the TA can tell you at drop off.

DS has a limited diet, I know school lunches are an issue and we can't send them in with a packed lunch. Or snacks. Some days all he has at lunch is some beans or one day a Yorkshire pudding, he always gets pudding and I bring a snack for hometime.
Like you I'm hoping peer pressure will help, seeing kids eating other stuff and thinking OK maybe it IS safe after all. The TA tells me every day if I ask (on sausage day for example I know he's eaten a sausage and beans and at least half his pudding so I don't ask)

SD1978 · 24/11/2019 14:40

Is she losing weight? If not, then at least that's a positive. Maybe make an appt to speak to the teacher, and ask if they are able to monitor food intake at lunch- no guarantee she'll eat all the packed lunch either.

Jenpop234 · 24/11/2019 14:41

It's not the school's job to force your child to eat. No one can force anyone to eat and in a country where half of primary school children are obese by year 6, they should not be encouraging children to eat if not hungry anyway. The school's job (same as yours) is to provide a balanced meal for your child.

Bluerussian · 24/11/2019 14:48

Packed lunch is a very good idea, include some fruit that she likes. I'm sure I don't have to tell you what to do.

Presumably she has a decent meal early evening so she should be OK. Lots of young children are finicky but they outgrow it eventually.

I didn't 'get' the 10 pints of milk a day but assumed that was a typo! I like milk and couldn't drink ten pints a day :-).

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 24/11/2019 14:51

I'm going to send her with packed lunch from now on which is frustrating as school dinners would be my best bet for her trying new things.

Don’t change that just because of the advice you’ve got here. Speak to the school first. You’re instinct she might try new things surrounded by peers isn’t necessarily a bad one,

lljkk · 24/11/2019 14:55

When I was an MSA, all the kids had to ask us before they could start on their pudding.

We had to be flexible but tried to get them to at least have a bite of everything else on their plate, and to mostly finish the rest of their items, before they could have pudding.

Truth is a sneaky kid could find a way to eat nothing or little, but it would be active deception. We tried to monitor what was happening to the food on their tray or in their bag.

LL83 · 24/11/2019 14:58

You haven't messed up at all. You have assumed school will tell you and now realised you want to check and highlight food issue. That's great parenting. You aren't meant to know exactly what needs done when all the time. (And poss school are checking and she is eating)

Firstly talk to school, if she is eating a reasonable amount keep going with school dinners as you are right it is a good way to encourage her to try things and possibly she will eat more. If not pack lunch is back up plan.

Original poster
Donkeykong2019 · 24/11/2019 15:12

It was never about them forcing her to eat in the slightest but my naivety that they would automatically inform me.

I've just spoken to a couple of parents and they've said their children say they can just throw it in the bin if they want to.

We have long standing issues and I'm still trying to get my head around it all

OP posts:
VenusTiger · 24/11/2019 15:30

@Tvstar I know! I was hoping this was a typo? I couldn’t drink 10 pints of milk a day let alone a tiny stomach of a four yr old Hmm

VenusTiger · 24/11/2019 15:33

Seems you’re on top of this OP, give yourself some credit here.
Speak to the teacher (get a meeting setup) and with the head of Key Stage 1 and with all the dietician info, tell them you need their support. Good luck, hopefully she’ll come to enjoy eating.

myself2020 · 24/11/2019 15:47

You will have to let the teacher know that food is an issue - otherwise how would they know? they are not telepathic and some kids just don’t eat much for lunch (for example if they had a big breakfast)

Stormyumbrella · 24/11/2019 15:51

Can the people jumping on op for the milk knock it off? She’s already said it was more complicated than that. I think we can assume she knew it was a problem otherwise she wouldn’t have done anything about it.

CravingCheese · 24/11/2019 16:16

They won't inform you if they're not aware of this being an issue, I suspect.

You need to inform the school asap. They need to know that her food intake needs to be monitored...

Whether packed lunches are the solution is an entirely different question. If they're free to simply throw away food / if nobody is looking at your dd?
You won't know whether she's actually eaten anything of that lunch either, will you... She could have thrown it away, simply have a friend that likes the food you pack etc.

unlimiteddilutingjuice · 24/11/2019 16:20

"I'm going to send her with packed lunch from now on which is frustrating as school dinners would be my best bet for her trying new things.

Don’t change that just because of the advice you’ve got here. Speak to the school first. You’re instinct she might try new things surrounded by peers isn’t necessarily a bad one"

I second this OP. School dinners can be a great oportunity to get familier with new foods, watch others eat them and perhaps try something yourself.
Is there anything thats reliably on the menu that your child likes? Bread rolls? Yoghurt? etc.
Even if she just eats that one thing- the process of walking past the food, watching others eat the food and so on is a good opportunity to become more familiar in a non pressurised environment.

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