To ask how am I meant to break this news?

[Lex234]

I was going to NC for this partly because it is outing but mainly because the back story is excruciatingly embarassing, but I have got to the stage where I am fed up of apologising for and being embarassed of others' actions. There is a back story, sorry if it is long.

My mother had me when she was very young. She was married to my dad briefly when I was 3. We mainly lived with her parents. When I was 5, she told me that she was in love with his dad (grandfather-still very much married to my grandmother) but I had to keep this a secret. I have since found out that she also stole thousands of pounds from her mother and father, embezzled from her job (her father had to pay it back or she would have gone to prison), ran up drug debts and did many other terrible things that led to her being disowned by many of her extended family. Around that time she moved into a flat, taking me with her. I don't remember much, other than strange men coming and going/sleeping on a mattress on the floor/being left alone at night whilst she went to the pub nearby. It lasted about a month before she sent me back to live with her parents. Shortly after this, she effectively fucked off out of my life, grandfather left grandmother to live with her. You can imagine the fallout from this. Also around this time my grandmother on my mother's side died, leaving my grandad (mums side) with a full time job and a very confused 6 year old child to manage amongst his own grief. My DF went for custody and was awarded full. My mother didn't even show up at the custody hearing. DF remarried and I could start a whole other thread on abusive stepmothers, but not really relevant. I saw my mother maybe twice in the first year of this, both times with "him". She then disappeared from my life.

Will try and skip a load of irrelevant details, but when I was 18 I tried to reconnect with her. She had sporadically stayed in touch with her father and brother. It was a disaster. All she wanted to do was discuss the past, how sorry she was, how bad her life had been etc. All I wanted to do was forget. She was still living with grandfather she left me for. Contact effectively stopped, I could not deal with the late night pissed up phone calls from her, the constant need to revisit the past, which I found painful and her acting like she loved me/knew me-she had not seen me for 12 years!I did feel sad I was clearly never goong to have a mother/daughter relationship but what you never have you never miss.

3 years later my own father died. I won't even try to describe how heartbroken I was. He was my rock. Due to the wonderful family set up my mother had created, the task fell on me to go and tell my dad's father as none of his other children speak to him. I had no telephone number only an address so I had to go in person. He wasn't in so I had to tell my mother. She started crying, shaking, wailing. I stood there with my mouth open as she pulled off an Oscar worthy performance in acute grief for a man she had not seen in 15 years. I took her number to let them know of the funeral arrangements. Despite knowing I now had a young baby, this was seen as an invitation to call at all hours of the night absolutely rat arsed, proclaiming my dad was the only man she had ever loved, how shit her life was, how sorry she was. It got so bad I had to change my number. I agreed to allow contact via messenger only. This was sporadic and always self pitying. No real attempt to build a relationship with me and sometimes full of dramatic announcements (such as her saying I had better go and get tested for breast cancer as she had been told she was high risk and it was hereditary-turned out to be lies).

Around 7 years ago, my mother's father was terminally ill. Again the task fell on me to get in touch with my mother and as no other family member will speak to her, I also had to basically act as family liaison. After he died, I was devastated-he was a huge part of mine and my children's lives. On the day of his funeral, his sister spent the entire journey in the funeral procession bollocking me for my mother's past actions and how she had better behave at the funeral. I am sick of taking the responsibility for her!I was a fucking child!!!!

About 6 months ago she got back in touch. She said dad's father was now emotionally and physically abusing her, she was fearing for her life, she was under police protection, he had ran off with a younger woman. From past experiences, I was somewhat sceptical. However, I then discovered from another source he had indeed moved out, but was terminally ill. I messaged her and asked whether he was unwell. She said she did not know, she had not seen him. Not really wanting to get into it, I left it at that.

Last night though, I was told he has died. They were together 30 years. And guess who gets to tell her? I have no idea how to have this conversation with her. She is apparently unaware. I know she recently had surgery and I don't want to hurt her, despite everything. How do I have this conversation??

Can someone please offer some advice as to how the fuck I tell her this? Also I am so sorry for the ridiculously long post but I wanted to explain the back story so you could understand why this is so hard to discuss!

Thanks for any help offered!

send it in a letter - signed for. and don't feel any responsibility for how she responds. she never has for you and others.

Why do you have to tell her?

If someone is telling you, tell them how to contact her.

You owe this woman nothing. The story is so similar to my dps, that if you said she had more kids and then fucked off and left them, I would think you were one of dps half siblings. He has 9 and only knows 3.

It took a long time and counselling for him to realise her behaviour wasnr his fault. She didnt fuck off because of him. AND that he owes her nothing.

When his father died, no one contacted her and told her. They dont contact her at all. Trying to have a relationship with her is soul destroying.

You need to get to that place where you realise you dont have to do anything.

for you. I have seen this played out and it's so painful.

That sounds like a very hard life - for everyone concerned, but especially a child caught up in the middle of it. I hope it's helped writing it all down.

I think, you tell her if you want and if nobody else will do so.
Keep contact to the same level you already have.

I have no real advice OP, but I'm sorry you had to go through all that as a child and as an adult too. It sounds really hard. I hope things are generally better now. I would probably get someone else to break the news and deal with the fallout. I think you've done enough.

Thank you for the kind messages, its nice to not be judged on this whole mess. I am very lucky in that I have a beautiful family and although embarassing, I have always stubbornly refused to let all of this destroy my life!

I no longer have her address as she moved since I went to tell them about my dad, otherwise a letter would be perfect. Unforunately no other person will even consider contacting her because of how she is or how she has treated them in the past. Call me a push over, but I feel she should know. I am too soft, aren't I?

Like what @MsRomanoff says, give these people that are expecting you to make contact with her, to do it themselves. Or as suggested send a letter.

This would stress me no end and quite frankly at a stage in life that the first sign of stress I cut it/them out totally and that includes my mother!

OP you had a right to a safe and secure childhood.

You had the right to mourn you father and grandfather without dealing with her histrionics.

The only persons rights that are always ignored, are you own.

She has no rights.

If nobody else's will tell her, I don't see why you have to?
You've been through hell and owe this woman nothing.
I'd change your number, go NC and not tell her.

Not 'too soft'; just still in the pattern of taking on responsibilities that aren't yours.

I'd leave it.

As someone else said, if someone told you, they could tell your mother with as much ease as you could. And they have the same responsibility to tell your mother (ie. none).

You need to practise dropping the sense of responsibility.

Practise.

So that it becomes natural and second-nature.

So that you get good at it.

Because, otherwise, you are going to find yourself her carer as she gets older.

Seriously.

And it is skewering your boundaries and sense of responsibility right now.

I'm sure you think it isn't but I am willing to bet you have a heightened sense of responsibility which impacts - to your cost - in loads of ways you can't see.

So practise.

Start with this.

Forget about telling her.

Let someone (or no-one) sort it out.

Lastly:

If your mother had truly wanted to know, she'd have kept a link, somewhere, and would know.

By doing the whole 'getting in touch' thing, you are colluding in a fantasy.

On your part, you are subconsciously trying to create something that has never existed (an undamaged childhood and relationship - an undamaged Mother) and together, you and your mother collude to try and create the image of a 'perfect' mother (the whole performance you end up getting a front row seat to).

Ultimately, it will never satisfy what you long for.

It can't.

It's very sad. It really is. But you are capable of building a wonderful present and future for yourself and your family. And tha is where you need to put your energies.

💐💐

Christ, don’t a pushover - you’ve done enough. Stop having any contact with her and when someone tries to tell you off for her behaviour, you tell THEM off for not having your back as a child. You can do this.

I'd just like to say too, that she sounds like a real liability as a parent. Terrible selfish decision making and the drunk calls would have upset me too. I feel for you.
What I'd probably do tho is ring her up, get the job done, then block her.
After that, really and truly firm up your boundaries. I have an abusive family and I went NC years ago. It only works when I enforce it as characters do try it on. But when I refuse to play, nothing happens.
Youd hit both birds with this approach. Right thing done, safe again.
It really is not your fault and you were dealt a very poor mother.

I also think you don't need to tell her. She will find out for herself if she wants to know. Look after yourself and your own family. You have done so well to deal with all this shit!

OP she will find out eventually. She need not know you already knew. Don’t invite the drama back into your life. You really DON’T need to be the one to tell her. Telling her and opening that door back into your life would be self-sabotage. Honestly, you have your lovely family, don’t get involved.

If I were you I would not contact her. In this whole saga you are the one who has been treated the worst. It’s ridiculous for other family members to expect you to be the one to make contact.

Oh my goodness, that is awful, I really feel for you. Yes she should know but I don't think you need to be the one to tell her. In fact anyone but you should. I'm very sorry and glad you have your own lovely family now.

If you don't have her address how are you going to tell her ? You have her phone number ?
just send a text, then block her number.

She doesn't need to know.
You don't have her address, so leave it.
What would telling her achieve? More unwanted contact between the two of you, as before, more bad feeling, as before. And for what? So that a not very nice person knows that someone she allegedly wasted her life with has died, and she might disrupt the funeral. Sack that.
Normal people would want to know someone significant had died, your poor excuse for a parent is not a normal person and will not react the way the rest of us would.
TBH I'm surprised you told her all the other things as you are far better with no contact at all.
You've been amazingly strong to get through all that, keep your power, do not search for that rotten excuse for a parent, she has no rights to your time, effort or energy.

I'm sorry yet again you have been left with this responsibility.
If you have means to contact her in messenger i would set up a new profile with false details and inform her that way.
That way, you are not opening yourself to her emotional abuse again but can know you have told her the news.

Pass her phone number on to the funeral director and ask them to tell her as the family feel she should know but none of them (including you) want to talk to her.

They are used to doing things like this and it will be water off a duck's back to them.

Benhophouse makes a very good point.

My intuition is that your heightened sense of responsibility comes from the adults in your childhood and in your present off-loading responsibility -often in the form of blame - onto a child.

The extent of how irrational and wrong that was/is often only becomes apparent when you very consciously look at your own children and think about how nuts it is/wAs to thrust accountability for adult behaviour into such small, powerless people.

Adults aren't necessarily being consciously bad when ghetto do this (though some are). They are often just overwhelmed and out of their depth themselves. They don't know what to do, and take the path of least trouble.

So, if they can off-load on a child, they will.

But ... you can see how ... troubling and ... wring that is.

I am in agreement with the nit your job to tell her.

She is someone who simply adds to the drama of everything. She wasn’t close enough to find out . This will become about her again. You Owe her nothing.

One thing I just want to add which isn’t something you asked . Do consider some counselling. I had an abisive past , having a dc made me realise all sorts of other things that weren’t right and I worried I would repeat history in the sense I hadn’t had a role model as a parent

I’m so sorry you went through this. She doesn’t deserve anything from you. I do not think you should be the one to tell her. Try and step away, this is not your responsibility.

This should not fall on you. YOu don’t owe her anything and I would leaver her to find out on her own. Every time you tell her some bad news it adds extra stress and opens you up to her.

Very wise counsel above about taking responsibility. As pp said - if you have the means to contact her (ie phone number if you don't have address), the most you need to do is give it to the person who passed the news to you. You are just as 'no contact' as everyone else - if no-one wants to contact her, including you, so be it. You owe her nothing.

Literally sat here with tears streaming down my face, I think it is the first time people have told me I don't have to tell her or owe her anything. I was brought up to always respect my elders at all costs. I didn't think I was still upset over all of this.

I definitely do not want to have her in my life and I must admit that I have occasionally wondered if one day I will be expected to care for her when she gets older as she will have nobody else.