To ask how am I meant to break this news?

[Lex234]

I was going to NC for this partly because it is outing but mainly because the back story is excruciatingly embarassing, but I have got to the stage where I am fed up of apologising for and being embarassed of others' actions. There is a back story, sorry if it is long.

My mother had me when she was very young. She was married to my dad briefly when I was 3. We mainly lived with her parents. When I was 5, she told me that she was in love with his dad (grandfather-still very much married to my grandmother) but I had to keep this a secret. I have since found out that she also stole thousands of pounds from her mother and father, embezzled from her job (her father had to pay it back or she would have gone to prison), ran up drug debts and did many other terrible things that led to her being disowned by many of her extended family. Around that time she moved into a flat, taking me with her. I don't remember much, other than strange men coming and going/sleeping on a mattress on the floor/being left alone at night whilst she went to the pub nearby. It lasted about a month before she sent me back to live with her parents. Shortly after this, she effectively fucked off out of my life, grandfather left grandmother to live with her. You can imagine the fallout from this. Also around this time my grandmother on my mother's side died, leaving my grandad (mums side) with a full time job and a very confused 6 year old child to manage amongst his own grief. My DF went for custody and was awarded full. My mother didn't even show up at the custody hearing. DF remarried and I could start a whole other thread on abusive stepmothers, but not really relevant. I saw my mother maybe twice in the first year of this, both times with "him". She then disappeared from my life.

Will try and skip a load of irrelevant details, but when I was 18 I tried to reconnect with her. She had sporadically stayed in touch with her father and brother. It was a disaster. All she wanted to do was discuss the past, how sorry she was, how bad her life had been etc. All I wanted to do was forget. She was still living with grandfather she left me for. Contact effectively stopped, I could not deal with the late night pissed up phone calls from her, the constant need to revisit the past, which I found painful and her acting like she loved me/knew me-she had not seen me for 12 years!I did feel sad I was clearly never goong to have a mother/daughter relationship but what you never have you never miss.

3 years later my own father died. I won't even try to describe how heartbroken I was. He was my rock. Due to the wonderful family set up my mother had created, the task fell on me to go and tell my dad's father as none of his other children speak to him. I had no telephone number only an address so I had to go in person. He wasn't in so I had to tell my mother. She started crying, shaking, wailing. I stood there with my mouth open as she pulled off an Oscar worthy performance in acute grief for a man she had not seen in 15 years. I took her number to let them know of the funeral arrangements. Despite knowing I now had a young baby, this was seen as an invitation to call at all hours of the night absolutely rat arsed, proclaiming my dad was the only man she had ever loved, how shit her life was, how sorry she was. It got so bad I had to change my number. I agreed to allow contact via messenger only. This was sporadic and always self pitying. No real attempt to build a relationship with me and sometimes full of dramatic announcements (such as her saying I had better go and get tested for breast cancer as she had been told she was high risk and it was hereditary-turned out to be lies).

Around 7 years ago, my mother's father was terminally ill. Again the task fell on me to get in touch with my mother and as no other family member will speak to her, I also had to basically act as family liaison. After he died, I was devastated-he was a huge part of mine and my children's lives. On the day of his funeral, his sister spent the entire journey in the funeral procession bollocking me for my mother's past actions and how she had better behave at the funeral. I am sick of taking the responsibility for her!I was a fucking child!!!!

About 6 months ago she got back in touch. She said dad's father was now emotionally and physically abusing her, she was fearing for her life, she was under police protection, he had ran off with a younger woman. From past experiences, I was somewhat sceptical. However, I then discovered from another source he had indeed moved out, but was terminally ill. I messaged her and asked whether he was unwell. She said she did not know, she had not seen him. Not really wanting to get into it, I left it at that.

Last night though, I was told he has died. They were together 30 years. And guess who gets to tell her? I have no idea how to have this conversation with her. She is apparently unaware. I know she recently had surgery and I don't want to hurt her, despite everything. How do I have this conversation??

Can someone please offer some advice as to how the fuck I tell her this? Also I am so sorry for the ridiculously long post but I wanted to explain the back story so you could understand why this is so hard to discuss!

Thanks for any help offered!

Your mother had a responsibility to protect you. She totally failed. She doesn't appear to love you either. She's a selfish, dysfunctional woman who has let you down in every way.

You. Owe. Her. Nothing.

Don't dream of caring for her. And she's just the worst of a little list of family members who have let you down in one way or another.

You sound amazing. Far from being embarrassed, you should be very proud to have survived the mess of your childhood and grown up so mature and reflective.

I echo PP who suggest counseling. You are probably suffering from codependency, which is very common among people who grew up in dysfunctional families.

Codependent people place a lower priority on their own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.

My DF was an alcoholic and I suffer from it too.

Oh, and I meant to say that I think the idea of getting the funeral director to pass the message on is very sound. It really isn't down to you.

OP in my professional life I have met a few people like your mother. They are toxic and mostly unchanging. You sound as though you have survived this amazingly well. I cannot believe family members are making you feel some responsibility for your mother.
You have none. You owe her nothing.
If you can, I would recommend counselling to help you deal fully with all your past.

@prawn that makes a lot of sense, I think it is why it took me many years to process the death of my dad because I concentrated on everyone else first.

I cannot thank everyone who took to reply enough I can see things much clearer now, it has been cathartic to tell someone instead of it being a dirty secret to be ashamed of

I feel more listened to by complete strangers than I have my entire life, thank you

Dont contact her but pass on her contact details to the funeral directors. And block her number otherwise you know that you'll get her usual hysterics again "the emptiest vessels make the loudest noise"
Look after yourself first

@thecatfromjapan - very wise words.

I agree that you should be proud of how you've managed to turn your life around, given the childhood that you experienced.

My heart breaks for the childhood you had.

This is the death of the man for whom your mother abandoned you, thus breaking up some of your remaining family support. She abandoned you for this man. How on earth is it your responsibility to ‘look after her’ in respect if telling her he has died?

I am struck how early your tiny self was saddled with responsibility for your mother. She told you, at 3, a family busting secret and told you not to tell.

You saw (felt) what happened when that secret was out, so no wonder you feel responsibility so (cripplingly) keenly.

Fancy putting that secret on a 3 year old .

catfromjapan lays it all out very well.

Your Mum abandoning you is a terrible thing for any child. That’s the central loss. And sadly she cannot and will not ever give you anything back that can mend that. Because she is still like it, she has not and will not change.

Holding on to the last vestiges if contact ‘just in case’ (which is understandable) does not mean you are responsible for things that less affected friends and family are unwilling to take on.

My heart goes out to you.

Take strength from your own family. They are your future.

I am the Dd if a Mum who is wrapped up ‘looking after ‘ an extremely toxic family member, and it breaks my heart to see my Mum like that, and I have resented the way my Mum has , with her soft heart, allowed this woman to insinuate herself into our family. Do not do this to your own children!

Good luck, OP.

@Lex234

I think the Salvation Army offer a tracing service.
www.salvationarmy.org.uk/family-tracing

Certainly you are NOT looking to be reconciled, but the SA will recognise your family background & may relay the message about your GF’s death. The SA will also have the compassion, strong boundaries & resources required to support your mother if need be - a task they choose to do, not one that belongs to you.
Worth asking as they are very experienced in this field.

Oh, love, you have nothing to feel shame over.
Be proud. Be full of love for yourself. You have been a hero in your own life. I am so pleased you have a happy family now.

Please don't put yourself through this. Don't listen to other people telling you that you have to tell your mother. You don't have to tell her anything. It's not your responsibility. She has shown you what a useless excuse of a mother she is and yet you have come out the other side as, no doubt, a brilliant mum to your own kids. Be proud that you didn't end up like your mother. Your mother does not deserve you. I'd block her on messenger now so that you don't have means to contact her. If anyone dares mention her name to you, be very firm in telling them that you don't have anything to do with her and you will not be contacting her. For your own sanity please talk to a counsellor to help you come to terms with all you have been through. You can then start to free yourself from this completely dysfunctional family set up - your first step being NOT contacting your poor excuse of a mother. Throw your love and energy into raising your own wonderful children.

Wow. What a really horrible time you've had.

Hats off to you for creating your own little family. Lucky dcs to have a loving mum like you.

I too don't see why the responsibility is always on you.

I would cut contact permanently. With all of them.

Just from what you have posted, it is clear that you are nothing like your mother. You have created a successful life out of a difficult ( to say the least) beginning. You are obviously like your dad and also totally your own person.

I would simply say to the family that the grandparents passing is nothing to do with you. And believe it.

If I could reach through the phone and hug you as a child, as an adolescent (especially her - I would be pushing her hair off her face and telling her that she was definitely not her mother, despite what the bitchy old women may say, even though she may look like her, she will charter her own seas!) As a woman, I would look you in the eye and let you know how proud I am that you did not let your mother define you. That you did not let stories of her shape you. You are protecting your kids and loving them in a functional way, and loving your husband in a genuine way - and allowing yourself to be loved in return. You are proof of evolution baby. Have a champagne or three to celebrate.

...or pass the SA tracings service details back to the person who asked (!) you to contact your mother.

That is plenty.

Well done for saying ‘no’ OP.

I would repeat the advice to get some counselling. Your posts read to me as if you have been indoctrinated to think that if you are the ‘good’ responsible person who does the right thing in life then somehow other people will see the error of their ways and do the right thing by you. Even though this hasn’t worked so far you just keep trying. Whether this is the case or not, some counselling will help you untangle your conflicting emotions around your mum and extended family and help,you move in and focus not you and your new family.

I am overwhelmed with the insight you have all had into my deepest feelings, because noone has ever recognised them before. I did try to access counselling once but I backed out because i was embarassed and didn't know where to start. I just buried it all instead. I probably chose my career to be seen as "good". I cannot thank you enough for telling me I am allowed to say no. I have already distanced myself from my family. I rarely see them, maybe once a year. Subconsciously probably because I feel they did let me down in some ways. They saw how SM treated me for example and did nothing. And then I feel guilty for thinking like that because they are good people.

Ooooh. The Salvation Army is a great idea! Well done that poster. They'll find her, they'll tell her, and they'll treat her kindly. (if it helps you get rid of any lingering guilt)

Oh my god. How you are still standing and have built a good life for yourself out of all that heartache, is just absolutely amazing.

You are such a strong and brave person OP.

You owe that woman NOTHING.

You just look after you and yours

In the circumstances I would either tell the person who has contacted you to tell her or contact the police and ask them to do it - they can and do go and tell somebody when there is nobody else who can do it and you are justified in not doing it.
Does she have to be told though? I would question how much she'd want or benefit from being at the funeral and it's going to cause problems for the rest of the family if they want to go.

And then I feel guilty for thinking like that because they are good people.

Well, no - they aren't are they? I don't consider myself a particularly good person, but there is no way I would have let a child in my family be treated how you were without doing something, and no way I would treat the grown-up child how you are being treated now. They are NOT good people and you owe them nothing.

They are NOT good people and you owe them nothing.

^ This. Again, and again, and again.

You are amazing Lex234
Letting the funeral directors contact her is the best way.
She sounds like a complete narcissist.
Block her and live your best life.
You deserve it.

Well done for deciding to say no this time. You don't need to do anything for that woman. This is not your responsibility. I think trying counselling again is a good idea. You've had an extremely difficult life, it would be helpful to talk to somebody about it. Blocking her on messenger is a good idea. Well done on putting yourself first, keep doing that.

And to PP who asked how my life is-stealth boast-but I have been incredibly lucky, been married for 13 years, 3 beautiful children and a great career. I know I am far luckier than many people so not all doom and gloom

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 What a life OP, it reads like a story. It’s amazing that you have done so well. You should be very proud of yourself. 💐💐💐💐