I was going to NC for this partly because it is outing but mainly because the back story is excruciatingly embarassing, but I have got to the stage where I am fed up of apologising for and being embarassed of others' actions. There is a back story, sorry if it is long.
My mother had me when she was very young. She was married to my dad briefly when I was 3. We mainly lived with her parents. When I was 5, she told me that she was in love with his dad (grandfather-still very much married to my grandmother) but I had to keep this a secret. I have since found out that she also stole thousands of pounds from her mother and father, embezzled from her job (her father had to pay it back or she would have gone to prison), ran up drug debts and did many other terrible things that led to her being disowned by many of her extended family. Around that time she moved into a flat, taking me with her. I don't remember much, other than strange men coming and going/sleeping on a mattress on the floor/being left alone at night whilst she went to the pub nearby. It lasted about a month before she sent me back to live with her parents. Shortly after this, she effectively fucked off out of my life, grandfather left grandmother to live with her. You can imagine the fallout from this. Also around this time my grandmother on my mother's side died, leaving my grandad (mums side) with a full time job and a very confused 6 year old child to manage amongst his own grief. My DF went for custody and was awarded full. My mother didn't even show up at the custody hearing. DF remarried and I could start a whole other thread on abusive stepmothers, but not really relevant. I saw my mother maybe twice in the first year of this, both times with "him". She then disappeared from my life.
Will try and skip a load of irrelevant details, but when I was 18 I tried to reconnect with her. She had sporadically stayed in touch with her father and brother. It was a disaster. All she wanted to do was discuss the past, how sorry she was, how bad her life had been etc. All I wanted to do was forget. She was still living with grandfather she left me for. Contact effectively stopped, I could not deal with the late night pissed up phone calls from her, the constant need to revisit the past, which I found painful and her acting like she loved me/knew me-she had not seen me for 12 years!I did feel sad I was clearly never goong to have a mother/daughter relationship but what you never have you never miss.
3 years later my own father died. I won't even try to describe how heartbroken I was. He was my rock. Due to the wonderful family set up my mother had created, the task fell on me to go and tell my dad's father as none of his other children speak to him. I had no telephone number only an address so I had to go in person. He wasn't in so I had to tell my mother. She started crying, shaking, wailing. I stood there with my mouth open as she pulled off an Oscar worthy performance in acute grief for a man she had not seen in 15 years. I took her number to let them know of the funeral arrangements. Despite knowing I now had a young baby, this was seen as an invitation to call at all hours of the night absolutely rat arsed, proclaiming my dad was the only man she had ever loved, how shit her life was, how sorry she was. It got so bad I had to change my number. I agreed to allow contact via messenger only. This was sporadic and always self pitying. No real attempt to build a relationship with me and sometimes full of dramatic announcements (such as her saying I had better go and get tested for breast cancer as she had been told she was high risk and it was hereditary-turned out to be lies).
Around 7 years ago, my mother's father was terminally ill. Again the task fell on me to get in touch with my mother and as no other family member will speak to her, I also had to basically act as family liaison. After he died, I was devastated-he was a huge part of mine and my children's lives. On the day of his funeral, his sister spent the entire journey in the funeral procession bollocking me for my mother's past actions and how she had better behave at the funeral. I am sick of taking the responsibility for her!I was a fucking child!!!!
About 6 months ago she got back in touch. She said dad's father was now emotionally and physically abusing her, she was fearing for her life, she was under police protection, he had ran off with a younger woman. From past experiences, I was somewhat sceptical. However, I then discovered from another source he had indeed moved out, but was terminally ill. I messaged her and asked whether he was unwell. She said she did not know, she had not seen him. Not really wanting to get into it, I left it at that.
Last night though, I was told he has died. They were together 30 years. And guess who gets to tell her? I have no idea how to have this conversation with her. She is apparently unaware. I know she recently had surgery and I don't want to hurt her, despite everything. How do I have this conversation??
Can someone please offer some advice as to how the fuck I tell her this? Also I am so sorry for the ridiculously long post but I wanted to explain the back story so you could understand why this is so hard to discuss!
Thanks for any help offered!