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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want boyfriend to be more involved

92 replies

bgegmum · 23/11/2019 20:49

Gonna try keep this short.
Basically I'm wondering if my boyfriend should be taking more to do with my kids?
We've been together over a year. He's my first proper boyfriend since I split with the kids dad.
He has no kids and has had little experience with them so most of his worries were understandable.
He's been involved with them probably about 9/10 months now. Kids love him and see him as part of the family, my ds even said today he's like a "daddy bear"
I feel he's slowly moved in, which is fine we get on great.
Now that I feel he's moved in am I wrong to think he should help with the kids to an extent. Wanted to go for a bath and he said "don't blame me if your house is wrecked when you come out" in other-words I'm not supervising your kids.
I have been one 2 nights out when I've left the kids with him. To which the conditions were make sure they're sleeping before you go out. He never has the kids anymore than 5 minutes unsupervised (going to the shop, running in to get daughter from dancing)
He sees me get so stressed with them and has comforted me when I've cried about it. My ex hasn't been taking them much recently so it's just me who's got them all the time.
Should he be doing more? Should I give him more time? I don't want him thinking he's being a dad but I still feel if he wants to live under this roof he needs to help me with them. I'm so stressed. Just told him to leave because I'm in the bath and he's refusing to make dd toast for her supper. What am I supposed to do?

OP posts:

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 23/11/2019 20:54

Ditch him.

He won't even make a child some toast.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 23/11/2019 20:55

There isn't particularly a "right" or "wrong" in this situation but his preference seems to be to keep them at arm's length a bit. What were his expectations like when he moved in? How old are the DC?

Original poster

bgegmum · 23/11/2019 21:00

Kids are 3 and 6. I feel bad for it as in every other aspect he is dream man. Takes us all out (usually to child friendly places) isn't overly pushy for us to spend time without each other, showers us with love, plays with them, teaches them. The moving in was more of a gradual thing that a sit down and talk decision. First it was his toothbrush. Then his Xbox. Etc etc etc. He's never lived out of his mums house so been really patient with him with cooking and cleaning but this is something I really need him to learn to adapt to and I just feel like it's not working

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 23/11/2019 21:00

You come as a package he cant just pick and choose bits

Its over I think

Original poster

bgegmum · 23/11/2019 21:01

I ment spend time with each other without the kids

OP posts:

Drinkciderfromalemon · 23/11/2019 21:02

After 9 months with someone I certainly would not be letting then babysit my child. And I speak as a single parent.

Pretzelcoatl · 23/11/2019 21:09

Other people’s children are often a tricky situation and, as you’ve indicated, he doesn’t have a lot of experience in this area.

He could feel like he doesn’t want to step on their father’s toes, especially if the kids start calling him some form of “dad”.

He could be worried in the way that lots of men do that he will be viewed as a pedophile for doing ANYTHING with kids that aren’t his biological own.

It may be, that in easing into the situation, he’s just not yet ready for what you’re talking about.

And there’s always the “What if I do it wrong?” that new parents have, except in this case you’re the authority so it can default back to you.

If things are going well, then keep going and just let it progress and see how he does. The kids definitely aren’t his responsibility at this stage, but once he feels more comfortable he might happily take up that responsibility.

Havaina · 23/11/2019 21:12

Are you sure he’s not a cocklodger, OP?

He should be contributing half of bills / food etc if he is living with you.

And yes, he is too detached from the children.

Apileofballyhoo · 23/11/2019 21:20

I think this is a disaster OP. Is he paying half the bills? Does he work?

Are you cooking and cleaning up after him?

WwfLeopard · 23/11/2019 21:22

If He wants to live with your family he has to integrate surely, otherwise he should just stick to popping round when you’re child free

onthecoins · 23/11/2019 21:23

I think 9 months is very early to have him babysitting and wanting him to act as a father.

Sheldonoscopy · 23/11/2019 21:24

Christ my kids are the same ages, got with my dp when youngest was tiny. From early on he’d encourage me to have a doze on the sofa while he sorted out baby, would offer to have baby while I went and did the school run if he felt it was too cold to take baby out. Stayed over when I had surgery multiple times.

We’d known each other before my second was conceived, were friends for years. But we’ve never lived together, he just does it to make my life easier. The other day he took the kids and did story for bed so I could have a shower and take medication. That’s a normal relationship. Your fella doesn’t seem to be engaged at all. It’s all well and good saying he’s good with them, but if he’s moved in, how can he not keep an eye on them while you have a bath? Not make your child toast!? That’s insane.

Is he even paying bills or is he a complete cocklodger??

I’d throw this fish back, plenty more in the sea and yours stinks

MyOtherProfile · 23/11/2019 21:25

Before he moved in it would have been good to talk about relationships with the children. Best to have that talk now and explain that you come as a family package.

Ponoka7 · 23/11/2019 21:28

When you have children, you need a proper sit down conversation before another person moves in. Moving in gradually is a recipe for disaster.

Especially when they've come from their Mother's house.

You were right to tell him to leave. He should be doing stuff like making toast etc.

But that conversation never took place.

Scale it back and make your expectations clear.
Personally I think it's too soon.

BlackSwanGreen · 23/11/2019 21:30

I think it was fine for him not to be involved with your kids very much before you lived together. But now you're all living together in one house you need to all pull your weight. Maybe he should move out again if he's not ready for that?

Fairylea · 23/11/2019 21:32

You’ve been together just over a year and he’s known the kids 9/10 months...?! I think you’ve rushed into this. He doesn’t sound like he wants to be a step parent at all, which is essentially what you want and that’s fine but he’s telling you that’s not him.

Jollitwiglet · 23/11/2019 21:33

So he doesn't do any cooking or cleaning? And won't even make your child toast? You sure you haven't taken over the role of his mummy?

ghostyslovesheets · 23/11/2019 21:33

he moved from mummy's house to yours - he sound a little immature - also if the move has been gradual have you actually discussed that you expect him to be step father?

To me it reads like he likes your home comforts but doesn't want to be a parent

Original poster

bgegmum · 23/11/2019 21:34

He pays his way. Helps a bit with the house work. Not 100% up to what I'd like it to be. Think some people may be. He still pays his mum money for staying there but he's never there. misunderstanding I'm not expecting him to act like a father or spend massive amounts of time with them alone yet. My issue is I can't even go for a bath with him in the next room to watch them for 15 minutes to stop them from killing each other. When I'm in the bath he refuses to make them toast.
Just told him my concerns and if he's going to make more of an effort and he said "I'll try" I told him it's not about trying it's a yes or no answer you can't try to make effort you either do it or not. He's now leaving me to make up my mind tonight

OP posts:

TheBigFatMermaid · 23/11/2019 21:35

Your children are too young for you to have a partner who is not involved in their lives properly!

You will have to make a choice between him and them fairly soon and for a decent mum, that is no choice!

Fairylea · 23/11/2019 21:36

He shouldn’t be leaving you to make up your mind. He should be bending other backwards to make you happy at this stage. He’s saying “this is me, suck it up buttercup”. Ditch.

Havaina · 23/11/2019 21:37

He's now leaving me to make up my mind tonight

To make up your mind about what, OP?

User3421090989098 · 23/11/2019 21:40

He wont make toast? A visitor in my house would make my child toast. That’s poor form for a man who “showers you all with love” it actually sounds like you have 3 children and he’s playing a big brother role (and acting like a reluctant teenager)

traveller11 · 23/11/2019 21:41

Agree with the others, bin him off.

I've been with DP nearly 2 years and we're not even moved in together but he will still take on all the daddy duties for DD (3.5).

Just last week, he had a day off work so he got up with her at 5:50am, gave her breakfast, took her to the toilet, played with her and watched TV with her so I could sleep in until 7:30.

Your DP should be doing more if he has moved in, for sure!

Original poster

bgegmum · 23/11/2019 21:41

To make up my mind if i want to be together But he's still not left. Think we're gonna have to talk through this and come to a decision together on what my expectations are and what his are and then see if we want to keep it purely to weekends or end it or if he's gonna make more effort.
I feel so to blame for this as I said to my friends he's not moving in
Told my family I wanted him to have his own house first before he even thought about settling down with me.
But then it just happened.
Thanks for all the advice guys you have been great. If he argues and doesn't talk I think it's fair to say it's not going to work

OP posts:

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