To want boyfriend to be more involved

[bgegmum]

Gonna try keep this short.
Basically I'm wondering if my boyfriend should be taking more to do with my kids?
We've been together over a year. He's my first proper boyfriend since I split with the kids dad.
He has no kids and has had little experience with them so most of his worries were understandable.
He's been involved with them probably about 9/10 months now. Kids love him and see him as part of the family, my ds even said today he's like a "daddy bear"
I feel he's slowly moved in, which is fine we get on great.
Now that I feel he's moved in am I wrong to think he should help with the kids to an extent. Wanted to go for a bath and he said "don't blame me if your house is wrecked when you come out" in other-words I'm not supervising your kids.
I have been one 2 nights out when I've left the kids with him. To which the conditions were make sure they're sleeping before you go out. He never has the kids anymore than 5 minutes unsupervised (going to the shop, running in to get daughter from dancing)
He sees me get so stressed with them and has comforted me when I've cried about it. My ex hasn't been taking them much recently so it's just me who's got them all the time.
Should he be doing more? Should I give him more time? I don't want him thinking he's being a dad but I still feel if he wants to live under this roof he needs to help me with them. I'm so stressed. Just told him to leave because I'm in the bath and he's refusing to make dd toast for her supper. What am I supposed to do?

You've been with him just over a year and he's been involved with your children for 9/10 months. That was too soon really and before he should have been around them, he should have set out his stall so that you knew what was what.

This is going to be messy now and you've put yourself on a back foot as the children see him as a father figure, no doubt encouraged by you.

He's handed this back to you to make a decision when really, he should be coming to you to tell you how he feels. He does't feel much does he, not for you or your children? Sorry OP, I would tell him to stay away.

You seem in different places. I think it’s ok for him to not to want to be a parent. But in that case you shouldn’t have let him move in.

The x box comment was a surprise. How old is he?

If he won’t make toast for them it was a bit ambitious leaving him in sole charge of them babysitting.

It’s all a bit quick. And you should have had a proper discussion about living together - housework, money, reaoinsibilities, childcare, expectations for now and in the future.

I’m a step mum and my DH doesn’t have his DC full time but we were extremely careful about integrating me into their family unit and all of the above issues. As a result things have always been quite straight forward but it takes some thinking and you can’t wing it and hope things will work out.

He's not ready to be part of a family yet, begegmum.
Be wary, don't let him move in completely just yet. Cool it a bit and see how it goes.

Good luck.

To make up my mind if i want to be together But he's still not left.

What? I thought you had asked him to leave and he’d messaged you or something?

I don’t think it’s atall fair on young children to have a man move in who wont do some basic things for them. This relationship wasn’t ready for moving in.

He’s a boy. And still paying his mum? One foot out of the door already.

Bin him. You, and your kids deserve so much more, which includes just being at peace without anyone else there.

You haven't said how old he is, begegmum.

What the hell are you doing allowing him to meet and be involved with your kids after 8 weeks?

The x box comment was a surprise

Assuming this is a joke?

The x box comment was a surprise

Assuming this is a joke?

Another dig at gamers probably.

Tell him to go home OP. He's not going to be the bloke you're after. You aren't there to train him how to be a grown up either.

Send him home to mummy.

8 weeks? The first post says they've been together for over a year.

What's his reason for refusing to make toast? Have you asked him why he won't? If he's always lived with his mum, does he actually know how? (Awful to think he might not but..)

think 9 months is very early to have him babysitting and wanting him to act as a father

I agree but in the case of him feeling it's ok to move in, this is now kind of a given. You're not his mother. The house was the kids before his. He needs to play a role... even a friend would babysit or help out making toast. Sounds quite messed up and like he has weedled his way in and is picking a choosing his life to suit him not all of you.

Well I’ve read your other thread OP where you say your 6 year old is having behavioural issues to the point that you feel like you want to give up, sign over your rights to her dad & you’re not sure you want to be her mum anymore. Now you probably didn’t mean it & it was said in desperation, however, if things are really that bad I can definitely understand why your boyfriend is keeping his distance & doesn’t want to be alone or supervise your DC’s, especially since he’s only been in their lives for 9 months. I would be hesitant in his position too if I’m being perfectly honest.

Your children are 3 and 6 and you have been with him a year?

Who does he live with?

Of course you can't have a bath without him being there, he's not responsible for your childrens' welfare

Well I’ve read your other thread OP where you say your 6 year old is having behavioural issues to the point that you feel like you want to give up, sign over your rights to her dad & you’re not sure you want to be her mum anymore.

@59Butterymuffin they have been together a year .. kids involved 10 months ?

Have I missed anything

Oh dear. Your current boyfriend shouldn’t have even been introduced to your kids at this early stage in your dating, nevermind forced into their lives and home after a matter of weeks of dating which= a few hours together as boyfriend and girlfriend?! That’s really bad, OP, of course he shouldn’t have any kind of parenting role whatsoever to your kids, 9 months ago, now, or anytime soon, this is appalling.

No matter what chats you and this boyfriend have, your boundaries and expectations and parenting standards seem off balance, by your posts. Your kids and your boyfriend/future boyfriends need to be kept separate, you can have boyfriends of course, but do not bring them into your kids home, or lives, you only vaguely knew this guy when you made your kids have him in their lives, that’s really bad for them, and there’s no need for it.

To be honest your probably expecting a bit to much from him and he's only now realising what he has signed up for and does not sound like he is now or ever will be committed to bringing up 2 kids that are not his, alot of responsibility and commitment there. As a male with a bit of life experience I certainly would not put myself in that situation

As a male with a bit of life experience I certainly would not put myself in that situation

Then presumably you wouldn't move in with OP by stealth?

If you don't want to have any responsibility for a girlfriend's children, ever, then don't date women with children.

Way to quick for him to be moving into your home.
He still lives at home with his mother.
Seems he wants his cake and eat it to. Cant have it both ways when their are children involved.
If he wants to keep them at arms length then he shouldnt be living under your roof.
Your kids not his, even so he doesnt want any responsibility. He shouldnt mind helping out if he is there though.
Best wishes.

Moved in toothbrush and then X Box?

Says it all, really. Did you not notice you were adopting a third child?

He’s leaving you to make up your mind???? Ditch that arsehole. Honestly OP he doesn’t give a shit about you or your children. He’s having a laugh. Mind made up, pack your bags c..,nt

He's not interested enough or mature enough to be settling into a ready made family like this. It's all too much too soon and you are setting yourself up for the worst of both worlds - still being a single parent but without any financial support (assuming possible tax credit cuts etc) and being in an unsatisfying relationship because he's never going to get it.
My DH moved in fairly quickly (within a year) when we got together but I'd already known him and his family for many years before and he really wanted to be a part of our family. He spent a lot of time and effort getting to know the kids and making sure they were comfortable.

I'm not sure I agree with comments saying there should be long time limits set on when to introduce. I get that that's the ideal but for me, it was important to see how they all reacted to each other when introduced as a friend. If at any point my kids seemed uncomfortable I would have called the whole idea off so it was really important to know.