To want boyfriend to be more involved

[bgegmum]

Gonna try keep this short.
Basically I'm wondering if my boyfriend should be taking more to do with my kids?
We've been together over a year. He's my first proper boyfriend since I split with the kids dad.
He has no kids and has had little experience with them so most of his worries were understandable.
He's been involved with them probably about 9/10 months now. Kids love him and see him as part of the family, my ds even said today he's like a "daddy bear"
I feel he's slowly moved in, which is fine we get on great.
Now that I feel he's moved in am I wrong to think he should help with the kids to an extent. Wanted to go for a bath and he said "don't blame me if your house is wrecked when you come out" in other-words I'm not supervising your kids.
I have been one 2 nights out when I've left the kids with him. To which the conditions were make sure they're sleeping before you go out. He never has the kids anymore than 5 minutes unsupervised (going to the shop, running in to get daughter from dancing)
He sees me get so stressed with them and has comforted me when I've cried about it. My ex hasn't been taking them much recently so it's just me who's got them all the time.
Should he be doing more? Should I give him more time? I don't want him thinking he's being a dad but I still feel if he wants to live under this roof he needs to help me with them. I'm so stressed. Just told him to leave because I'm in the bath and he's refusing to make dd toast for her supper. What am I supposed to do?

I disagree with those who say you’ve been too hasty, OP. You’ve been with him for over a year. I think that’s enough time to have someone involved with your DC.

But I don’t think he is going to change his attitude. The situation with the toast was just ridiculous.

He definitely wants things on his terms doesn’t he? He moves in by stealth (without your permission!) and puts himself first when it comes to housework and childcare - even though he can see you are struggling sometimes. He sounds selfish.

FWIW I met my partner when my DC were 3 and 6. We moved in together 2 years later. That was 2 years ago. He shares the housework and bills 50/50. He also shares the childcare - he collects my youngest from school 3 days a week, takes the older one to her club, cooks for us all, and today he is taking them both swimming while I catch up with some work. That is just normal partnership.

I think you and your DC deserve better, OP.

Sorry OP, I’m not going to go with the majority and call your BF an arsehole, this is on you. He sounds very immature and you moved him in far too quickly.

The fact that he’s leaving you to ‘decide’ sounds like he’s realised he’s in over his head and is too cowardly to end it so is leaving it up to you to do it. He’s probably also a bit freaked out that your eldest has behavioural issues and doesn’t want to get involved in case he gets blamed for something - he has no experience with kids so is probably scared.

Let him leave and focus on your kids. How old is he?

Shitonthebloodything yeah that was kind of my aim. He wasn't introduced firstly as boyfriend. He was introduced as a friend although we obviously knew it was more.
I didnt want to invest my feelings and time into someone who the kids didn't like.
It wasn't till a few months down the line when they had gotten to know each other (gradually may I add.) that I asked them they're feelings of him being my boyfriend. The kids were ecstatic about it.
It's only been the past month I've actually noticed that he's here all the time...now I'm starting to see that he's Weasled his way In.
I'm gonna have to tell him to back off or go altogether as he's not up for the responsibility of living with anyone yet let alone someone with kids.

When you say He pays his way - is he paying half the council tax, rent, bills?

What's your own financial set up? Are you earning enough to not claim any benefits? Have you lost benefits because of him living with you? Has he replaced those?

Do you own the house or are you renting?

How old is he op? He sounds like a child!

Ditch him. You are still to early in your relationship to have him live with you and you are rather foolish to leave him looking after such young children whilst you go out. Never was the word cocklodger so merited!

The moving in was more of a gradual thing that a sit down and talk decision. First it was his toothbrush. Then his Xbox. Etc etc etc. He's never lived out of his mums house so been really patient with him with cooking and cleaning

Christ, he moved himself in without a proper discussion and now you have to teach him how to be a grown-up?!

He's having a laugh. He's not helping AND he's creating more work for you. He's managed to 'leave home' without picking up any of the responsibilities.

Ask him to leave. If you want to keep the relationship, make sure you don't fall for this nonsense a second time.

Too not to !

Not sure what "make sure they are asleep before you go out" means? If he is in charge when you are out. Surely he can't go out as well?
If I was suddenly in charge of a 6 year old as his mum was in the bath I probably would not make them food as I'd assume there was a dinner plan and giving them food before dinner would not be ideal. So I'd wait until mum was out of the bath to check if okay (as it's not an emergency worth disturbing soneone's bath for)

I notice that you haven't answered the question a few people have asked about how old he is.

Or what way finances are arranged.

Why on earth have you allowed him to move in without discussion, do you have problems standing up for yourself? Does he have a key?

Not sure what "make sure they are asleep before you go out" means? If he is in charge when you are out. Surely he can't go out as well?

He doesn't want to put them to bed, that's why he wants them to be asleep before OP goes out. It's got nothing to do with him going out too, not sure how you thought that.

Why do people just allow a man to gradually move himself into your children’s home?

Why on earth would you leave your children alone with a man you’ve known such a short amount of time?

I feel like the Simpsons meme “won’t somebody think of the children” but ffs these situations seem to being out the worst in everyone. What’s the bloody rush to move a man in and have him playing dad? I say all this as a single mum

You and he need to have a proper discussion - this has all happened far too casually and your expectations seem massively different. Work out what you want, he needs to work out what he wants, and then you see if you can work out a solution together. Having said that, 1 year is really early for him to be particularly involved with your kids - you might want to slow things down rather than speed it up

Your dating a child. A useless one at that

How’s it going @bgegmum ?

He's going back to mummy's house during the week. Says he will make more effort with certain things too. We'll see how it goes from there but feeling a bit pessimistic about the relationship just now. But I could need time myself think that's had a huge impact too is I just need a couple nights to chill myself without him being there

I'd be very careful about him moving in again. He might well be a perfectly nice boyfriend, but life partners are a completely different thing.

I feel he's slowly moved in, which is fine we get on great.
Now that I feel he's moved in

My dear @bgegmum, you have a non-toast-making cocklodger who is testing your boundaries.

The stealth moving-in (it seems to have surprised you) & the casual disregard with which he treats your requests to e.g. mind the kids while you have a bath are designed to see how little you will allow him to get away with.

He’s saying “this is me, suck it up buttercup”. Ditch. - THIS.

Lol! He was living with his mummy?! He has an x box?! He won’t make your child toast?!

What the actual fuck of course you should not be in a relationship with this person when you have 2 small children. It’s absurd.

The moving in was more of a gradual thing that a sit down and talk decision. First it was his toothbrush. Then his Xbox. Etc etc etc. He's never lived out of his mums house so been really patient with him with cooking and cleaning

OP, I need to update my previous post.
You have a non-toast-making USELESS cocklodger.

I think 9 months is very early to have him babysitting and wanting him to act as a father.

Yup. Very early for moving in too.
Although not too early to take his share of cooking & cleaning like an adult, yet he doesn't do that either.

I feel he's slowly moved in

Sorry but what? As a grown woman and a parent, how can you say this? Either he has moved in or he hasn't. And it's up to you to decide that.

What is best for your kids here? Not best for you, but best for them?

He doesn't have kids. That's fine. You're expecting him to suddenly become a functioning step-parent overnight. That's not so fine. And if he won't even make your DD a piece of toast...

Oh hang on...

He's never lived out of his mums house so been really patient with him with cooking and cleaning

First it was his toothbrush. Then his Xbox

Massive cocklodger alert.

Please don't put your kids through this. Remove his x-box and tell him to take it home. Back to his Mummy.

Do yourself a favour and end this. Sorry.

Told my family I wanted him to have his own house first before he even thought about settling down with me.
But then it just happened.

OP - this is not a scold, as I mean it kindly & with good intent - you do NOT have to passively accept what your boyfriend wants. You do not have to accept his pisspoor housekeeping, or his churlish refusal to even make your kids toast, or mind them for 15 mins while you have a bath.

It's all on his terms.
Woman up!
Your house. Your kids. YOUR terms.
At the moment, you just have another kid to look after in your house.