To want boyfriend to be more involved

[bgegmum]

Gonna try keep this short.
Basically I'm wondering if my boyfriend should be taking more to do with my kids?
We've been together over a year. He's my first proper boyfriend since I split with the kids dad.
He has no kids and has had little experience with them so most of his worries were understandable.
He's been involved with them probably about 9/10 months now. Kids love him and see him as part of the family, my ds even said today he's like a "daddy bear"
I feel he's slowly moved in, which is fine we get on great.
Now that I feel he's moved in am I wrong to think he should help with the kids to an extent. Wanted to go for a bath and he said "don't blame me if your house is wrecked when you come out" in other-words I'm not supervising your kids.
I have been one 2 nights out when I've left the kids with him. To which the conditions were make sure they're sleeping before you go out. He never has the kids anymore than 5 minutes unsupervised (going to the shop, running in to get daughter from dancing)
He sees me get so stressed with them and has comforted me when I've cried about it. My ex hasn't been taking them much recently so it's just me who's got them all the time.
Should he be doing more? Should I give him more time? I don't want him thinking he's being a dad but I still feel if he wants to live under this roof he needs to help me with them. I'm so stressed. Just told him to leave because I'm in the bath and he's refusing to make dd toast for her supper. What am I supposed to do?

You introduced him too quickly to your kids lives. If you've been together just over a year, and they've known him for 9-10 months, then at worst, you knew him for 3 months before you brought him in as second daddy. That's really bad, you barely knew him at that stage and it shows. Calm down and take it slower with the next one.

Well I’ve read your other thread OP where you say your 6 year old is having behavioural issues to the point that you feel like you want to give up, sign over your rights to her dad & you’re not sure you want to be her mum anymore.

And this really isn't good. You need help op.

I just need a couple nights to chill myself without him being there

Good for you @bgegmum.
Decide what your boundaries are, & stick to them.

My ex hasn't been taking them much recently so it's just me who's got them all the time.

Well I’ve read your other thread OP where you say your 6 year old is having behavioural issues to the point that you feel like you want to give up, sign over your rights to her dad & you’re not sure you want to be her mum anymore.

Are these two things related?

OP I've looked at your other thread, too. It sounds like you have too much going on, with your daughters behaviour issues. Put your energy into that, not the useless manchild.

OP, he can not move in without a discussion about expectations. That just not reasonable. Moving in be stealth is a dick move.

I am glad he is going back to his mums.

He wants to be with you but still have no responsibilities.

For context, I live with dp who is mor the father of my kids. My kids met him the same day I did as I met him at my best friends, family party. It was a year before they knew we were dating and another year before we moved in. We had lots if discussions about both of our expectations.

Dp has stayed home from work when ds has been ill, because I had meetings. He watches him if I am going out. He will run his bath for me, cook meals for us all etc.

I made it clear, that he needed to eb engaged in family life. I didn't want someone who was only there for me and didnt engage in family life. Dp had a choice, he could have declined to move in.

Putting up with the kids and accepting they are about, isnt the same as being involved.

Make sure he takes all his stuff back to his mum's house too.

Bin him - hes never lived anywhere except with mummy?

no, run. Literally run.

hes going to be a bad cocklodger,

You introduced him to your kids after a couple of months what do you expect.
Gaming as an adult is very sad, but there's plenty who do it.
Your kids see him as another child.
Get rid of the extra child and concentrate on putting your kids first, and perhaps stay single for a while, rather than jumping in with both feet.

😂 Gaming is a majority adult hobby you loon. No issues with that. The problem is grown adults who put their hobby above family life, and you see that with every hobby selfish arses take up, whether its video games, cycling, running, DIY, etc.

The issue here OP is you have rushed into introducing this relationship to your children without thinking or planning with him what his contribution looks like. If you ask him to leave, have that discussion now (better late than never) and decide how, or if, you move on from here.

Adult hobby or not, my opinion is they look sad as adults. I'm lucky I don't know any sado's.
There must be a lot of loons about then because I don't know any fully functioning adults who "play" like children
HTH

The gaming sector is bigger than film and TV. Gaming is no different from watching films, or reading books as a hobby. Films and books are also escapism, does that mean that everyone who reads or watches films are "sado's" (sic)?

Such a narrow minded view.

As a flip side to the original post, my dp of 3.5 years has lived with us for over 3 years.
From day 1 he accepted me and 3 dc as a package and that has never wavered.
Fast forward to now and he is as much of a parent to them as me, he does an equal amount for them as I do, takes responsibility for them and jointly makes sure childcare isn't an issue before making plans for anything.

DP has NO dc of his own, no parenting experience etc, and hes brilliant.

It has never been an issue for us.

Adult hobby or not, my opinion is they look sad as adults. I'm lucky I don't know any sado's. There must be a lot of loons about then because I don't know any fully functioning adults who "play" like children

You must move in extremely rarified circles then @drabarni! - because 32% of UK players play mobile, console and PC games. In 2016, there were 31.6m players in the UK, approximately 50% of the total population.

Still, it must give you a nice boost to sneer at half the population, as you are so clearly neither a saddo or a loon in your condescension & ignorance ...

messolini

Thanks, my dsx2 comment about their friends who haven't got a clue what their wives, partners and kids are up to whilst they twiddle knobs It's nice to have kids who treat their family with respect and are involved.

The video game industry is bigger than hollywood film industry, music streaming and album sales combined. I mean, you don't have to be into it, I'm not mad into films, but to dismiss their impact and significance is just weird.

If you've been together just over a year, and they've known him for 9-10 months, then at worst, you knew him for 3 months before you brought him in as second daddy. That's really bad, you barely knew him at that stage and it shows.

@Cloverbeauty just to show the other side of this. My DD came on my first date with me as I needed my DP to know that we're a package and wanted to see how he would interact.

My DD was introduced from day 1, and DP and I are coming up for 2 years together in 2 months time. I think OP's issue is that she has a manchild as a partner, not the length of time that he's known her children