to think it's weird to be unable to do ANYTHING on your own?

[onceandneveragain]

met a friend to go Christmas shopping today (which reminded me why I normally do everything online ) and in one shop overheard a family who appeared to be arguing about something. Husband (assume) said to wife "Well why don't you go back and wait in the car then?" to which she replied "Oh no, I can't you know how embarrassing I find going somewhere on my own." She then appeared to be nagging one of their DC to go with her so she didn't have to walk on her own.

I mentioned to my friend this was weird, and she says her mother is exactly the same - said she always waited for her DH to go shopping with her on the weekend even though she didn't work at all in the week because she wouldn't go on her own. If she and my friend go anywhere my friend has to pick her up because her mum won't travel there on her own - not because she doesn't like driving but because she 'doesn't like to think what people are thinking about her if she's standing around waiting on her own.'

Thinking about it I remembered another friend I have who always moans about the cost of parking when we go places because she will refuse to take public transport on her own. If she is first to arrive somewhere she sits in her car rather than going inside to the cinema/pub wherever until someone else arrives.

Both my friend, and other friends mum, are really sociable, confident etc. No anxiety issues that I know of (I know you can never tell). They just HATE being on their own in public.

Is this normal? Is it (based on my very small sample of three) solely a female thing? I understand why people might not want to, for example, travel abroad alone. I can even sort of understand it when people say they don't like eating out, or going to the cinema on their own, although if you're not lucky enough to have a partner/friends who like the same things as you it's a bit life-limiting. But not being able to walk a few metres back to the car park on your own is odd, surely?

If I followed those rules I wouldn't have been able to meet my friend at all, forget carry on browsing for a little while once she'd left - let alone all the other things I have to/have chosen to do alone, from travelling for work to seeing shows when nobody want to come with me. Should I be more embarrassed about my lonely wanderings?

I have several female friends and relatives who can't go anywhere or do anything without their DH.

I think it is an age-related thing, they are all 60+. What may have come across as caring and chivalrous initially has, in some cases, become stifling and controlling.

And anxiety and helplessness is the net result, as they have never had to think or fend for themselves, sadly.

I have seen both sides in my family. Me and my younger sister are very independent and can go anywhere on our own and enjoy doing things on our own. Middle sister is independent and can go out on her own but she prefers not to. She is a home body who doesn't like to go out much so she mostly goes out only with her husband. I guess it's just our nature which is different. But no matter how confident I am I would not travel to a different country on my own as I don't have any sense of my surroundings and have previously put my self in dangerous situations which I realised once I was in them. I am lucky I have managed to survive so far without any harm. My husband jokes he is more of a batman or a bodyguard for me.

Leaving aside people with anxiety disorders and other limiting conditions, I find this profoundly depressing.

I thought it was a generational thing: my grandparents were like this as well: he wouldn't let her pay for anything, wouldn't let her work, wouldn't let her drive. I am quite shocked to hear that people think this attitude is alive and well today.

I wouldn't think twice about walking into a pub on my own, going to the cinema on my own, going on holiday on my own. The idea that people of my generation or younger would judge me for it has genuinely shocked me.

You're asking this of a group of people who won't answer their own front doors unless someone has made an appointment to visit them?

You're asking this of a group of people who won't answer their own front doors unless someone has made an appointment to visit them?

whilst some people seem to be so scared of the door bell they have to start a thread on MN about it! (helpful if you home is due to be broken into any minute)

the majority value their time too much to waste it with rude people with no consideration.

Sounds like it's people who must answer every phone call and every door bell even if it ruins their plans who need to learn to be a bit more assertive and independent...

My DM and me are super independent and whenever I go on holiday with friends, I want my own hotel room and I will need a day to myself. I am sociable but I can't bear people 24/7. My mum is the only person in the world who gets this.

I too find this strange op. I am on mat leave and recently took myself out for a pub lunch (with baby, so not technically alone). An older woman was with her daughter and, on seeing me, said to her loudly “Her husband must be mortified!” Took me a minute to realise she was talking about me!

I know that 2 wrongs don't make a right but us independent types are judged fairly harshly by the won't get on the bus alone types.
If I mention that I live alone and love it, they look at me the way I imagine the women of Salem looked at the so-called witches of that time. And don't even get me started on the fact that I, aged 21 moved to London alone and into a shared house full of strangers.
They're not envious, they're judgy.

You're asking this of a group of people who won't answer their own front doors unless someone has made an appointment to visit them

That's not abut anxiety, it's about not wanting to be hassled by cold callers/chuggers/wannabe politicians!

I agree with the pp who said for some people this stems from the teen years. You look like billy no mates if you go out by yourself, and some women never get over this. And then you have the women who are fine until they get hooked up with a man and then seem to lose their own personality until they are widowed in their 70s and then find a new lease of life.

My exH used to make excuses about not being able to have our DC on a Friday night because he had to do the food shopping with his DP. I never understood why food shopping was a two adult job, his DP is not disabled and she drives so it just didn’t make any sense to me. She accompanies him everywhere, I don’t know if it’s a control thing or perhaps she’s incapable of doing things for herself.

I love doing things alone.

It’s very much an older generation thing. My MIL never went anywhere on her own again after my FIL died, not even the club they’d been members of for 45 years and went to every Sunday for a drink and game of Bingo, and where they had loads of friends and knew everyone by name. She’d only go if DH took her and we lived 200 miles away were working so couldn’t stay over on Sundays very often.

I was always bemused through the teenage years about the need to go around in groups en-masse, and conform to a group identity, and how people would sacrifice something they wanted to do unless there was a gang to accompany them.

I never worked out how you are supposed to make friends at baby/ toddler groups when everyone turns up in pre-arranged packs, and there were very few solo people avaliable to strike up a conversation with.

Aside from specifics such as health problems, PTSD, anxiety, there is still a lot of social conditioning about women doing things on their own. A lot of people are horrified that I go off running in isolated areas on my own, but they would barely think twice about it if DH was doing it instead.

Admittedly I'm not a fan of being on my own in pubs. Queuing at the bar is a pain, I'm easily overlooked and lost behind the beer taps in a crowded bar. I never wanted to recieve random male attentions either. It's not something that I refuse to do though.

DM was widdowed early and had to pick up all the things that DF had done to function. It was an early life lesson in not holding back on your own life based on the avaliability of other people.

@Brimful
Thank you 🙂
I admit to having several meltdowns about the stress and anxiety about the whole situation but I survived it!

There are a million, very valid reasons why this woman may need to act in this way & as many that say your judgement is very narrow minded & unkind.

Both DD & I have days when this could be us due to health reasons & trust me, having travelled a lot of the world on my own, it frustrates nobody more than me & I'd be very upset & angry at anyone judging me fir it

You only have to look at all the people who victim blamed Grace Tillane by saying that she shouldn’t have been travelling alone

There’s now a movement of female solo travellers re-asserting their right to travel safely around the world.

well technically everyone has the right to leave their front door and cars unlocked, their windows opened at night, their handbag in their shopping trolley and keep their wallet in their back pocket, and tell everybody they are away on holiday.. but the advice would be not to, or to be careful.

It's not "victim blaming" to remind people to show basic common sense.