to think it's weird to be unable to do ANYTHING on your own?

[onceandneveragain]

met a friend to go Christmas shopping today (which reminded me why I normally do everything online ) and in one shop overheard a family who appeared to be arguing about something. Husband (assume) said to wife "Well why don't you go back and wait in the car then?" to which she replied "Oh no, I can't you know how embarrassing I find going somewhere on my own." She then appeared to be nagging one of their DC to go with her so she didn't have to walk on her own.

I mentioned to my friend this was weird, and she says her mother is exactly the same - said she always waited for her DH to go shopping with her on the weekend even though she didn't work at all in the week because she wouldn't go on her own. If she and my friend go anywhere my friend has to pick her up because her mum won't travel there on her own - not because she doesn't like driving but because she 'doesn't like to think what people are thinking about her if she's standing around waiting on her own.'

Thinking about it I remembered another friend I have who always moans about the cost of parking when we go places because she will refuse to take public transport on her own. If she is first to arrive somewhere she sits in her car rather than going inside to the cinema/pub wherever until someone else arrives.

Both my friend, and other friends mum, are really sociable, confident etc. No anxiety issues that I know of (I know you can never tell). They just HATE being on their own in public.

Is this normal? Is it (based on my very small sample of three) solely a female thing? I understand why people might not want to, for example, travel abroad alone. I can even sort of understand it when people say they don't like eating out, or going to the cinema on their own, although if you're not lucky enough to have a partner/friends who like the same things as you it's a bit life-limiting. But not being able to walk a few metres back to the car park on your own is odd, surely?

If I followed those rules I wouldn't have been able to meet my friend at all, forget carry on browsing for a little while once she'd left - let alone all the other things I have to/have chosen to do alone, from travelling for work to seeing shows when nobody want to come with me. Should I be more embarrassed about my lonely wanderings?

I'm in my mid 50s, and it was definitely a thing when I was a teenager, that women didn't tend to go into pubs on their own. If I was meeting up with a friend, whoever got there first, would wait outside for the other one. But being on my own anywhere else wasn't a problem.

But by the time I was in my 20s, and winebars were popular, it wouldn't bother me going in on my own if I was there first. I'd take a book to read and order a beer, and sit reading.

I wouldn't have been able to go out to work, if I couldn't wait at a bus stop because I was worried about what people were thinking about me. I'm guessing those women didn't work, or they got lifts from their husbands.

I am a bit like this atm, no anxiety but I’ve been a SAHM for 3 years and never go anywhere alone so I think it’s just habit

To be fair there is often a lot of low level social harassment/bullying/directed towards people who go out solo. So maybe they’re just sick of that?

I’m generally happy solo as a “matter of principle” and enjoy my own company. Plus I’m introverted so I genuinely don’t like doing stuff in groups.

but after episode after episode of rude people over the years (not
only just the standard “creepy guy” but funnily enough often rude aggressive middle aged/older women) I’m getting more and more “thoughtful and reserved and restricted ” about where I go and what I do.

It’s like the whole older people “why do younger people prefer to use self service machines or go on Amazon is it because they lack social skills” argument.

If you’re youngish looking or an ethnic minority or don’t fit the standard “local person” look often you’re treated like shit or spoken to aggressively by some nasty so called “service” person.

I’m not saying being part of a twosome necessarily stops that (especially if the other person is a child/another woman/young looking).

But I can see why people shy away from “street interactions” now.

Life’s not about “having to making a stand to prove how principled and strong you are” on everything.

Interesting question, Once. We probably all think the things we do are normal, until we notice other people doingthem differently. I’ve always gone anywhere on my own if i had no one to go with, no problem. But i’m very cautious about pushing through turnstiles in case i get stuck. I’m not very large, just hate the feeling!

It isn't just women, I've known a few men who have the same traits.

I know lots of men who have the income to have their own home, but live in their Parents house. Just because they can't live alone.

@theEnglishInPatient, the bar situation might be a previous bad experience of harassment etc. It's just not worth having your night ruined before it starts. You say it baffles you, but then describe a situation that baffles, me. I don't need other people to not be bored, though.

I ended a short-term relationship because of this. He was a massive sci-fi fan and wanted me to go with him to see a Star Wars film. As I had no interest, I said (politely) he'd be better going on his own. Cue him throwing a hissy fit and missing the film due to his refusal to go solo.

(Aside: he also had posters of Marilyn Monroe with motivational quotes on them all across his bedroom, so the cinema debacle wasn't exactly the deciding factor in us splitting...)

This reminds me of a thread a year or so ago about a woman who’s girlfriend would not even meet her for a cup of tea without bringing her husband along, the amount of women on that thread who would literally go nowhere or do anything without their partner being at their side was staggering.

Ponoka7
but surely you are just as much - or more - as risk of harassment in the street on your own than in a bar or restaurant with people around, and staff who look after their customers?

I don't need other people 24/7, I just can't see the point of a holiday on my own. It wouldn't be a holiday. It's so much easier and more friendly not to travel on my own 🤷
I can, I just don't want to - bit different from someone unable to buy themselves some basics because they cannot go to a shop alone.

the amount of women on that thread who would literally go nowhere or do anything without their partner being at their side was staggering.

I remember that thread - or one similar.
To be fair, the majority of posters did say they COULD but didn't want to. When you don't see each other during the week as it is, some people actually enjoy spending a bit of time with their partner - it was a shocking concept for some I remember

"My mum said if a woman went into a pub by herself (late 60’s) it was assumed she was a “woman of the night!”"

There are still pubs where I live where a woman alone will get stared at and unwelcome attention. Old men's boozers and 'local's pubs'.

I dont think it's weird but I do think it's an indicator of an anxiety issue. Someone who is thinking people are judging them for simply walking somewhere alone almost definitely has an anxiety problem.

I think it was more about dynamics English women who could not understand why their DH shouldn’t come on a hen night or a girly weekend.....bizarre.

I love shopping on my own. In fact, I prefer it to going with a gang of girls. I would literally lose the will to live

The trouble is that no good can come of living your life like this. My MIL is extremely anxious and her Dh has to drive her everywhere, wait outside the hairdressers whilst she has her appointment, take her food shopping, meet her from work. She said to me the other day that if he dies she doesn't know how she'll cope and that's worrying. Even though it's anxiety it doesn't mean there isn't hope. I think my MIL should try testing herself a little more each time, so go to the same shop as FIL but go through checkout on her own and build her confidence up from there.

As someone has already said. It’s easier than you think to get into this situation.

DH is amazing and not in any way abusive. He will cook all my meals, sort all car stuff/ washing/ housework/stuff for DD etc. if I let him. He’s just a nice guy and very gentlemanly. I’ll go sit down in coffee shops while he orders- that kind of stuff. But it started to make me lazy and I realised I was losing confidence!

Also his Mum basically acts like a child. Zero independence. So reliant on his Dad and old for her age. I never want to be like her. My Grandma is ten years older than her, she’s single and the strongest most independent women I know. It really is so important to find a balance and not become too reliant in a relationship.

I make a point to do stuff independently. If I ever lost him I would need to take care of myself after all.

I suppose we all have our limits. I can go to pubs (usually, see above post for some pubs), eat out and holiday on my own within Europe.

However, I would only go to the cinema on my own at quieter times and I would never go to a nightclub alone or travel to another continent without at least some guidance about how to behave there and how to keep safe.

Slightly weird. But then I go to the cinema alone, so...

My DH went off to watch his sport.this afternoon. I went off to watch my sport (different location). Drove there and walked the rest of the way on my own. Sat and watched sport on my own, walked back to car on my own, walked back to car on my own and picked dc up from work on the way home. I would HATE not to be able to do this but I am a bit of an introvert and very much value alone time.

In my family, my generation (mid 30s) all went to university so were generally thrown into a new society alone, at 18, at least 100 miles away. I had to do a year abroad on my own. It's meant I don't think twice about solo shopping, coffee, driving, public transport etc. Now I have a baby, it means I'll happily go off for the day with him.

That said, I travelled to Madrid alone in my 20s to visit a friend and had some bad experiences where I felt very threatened. It's meant I get very nervous walking anywhere, even my own town, after dark by myself. It really only takes one or two minor experiences to alter your confidence forever.

I have pretty much the opposite problem. I like being on my own so much that I turn down great opportunities to do things with others. I went on holiday with a group of close friends recently, not for the first time, but pretty much the whole time I was aware of how much I wished I could be somewhere else, on holiday on my own. I think my extreme desire to be completely independent and my dislike of small talk and compromise has led to me missing out on friendships and opportunities and my relationship with my kids dad breaking down. There are some things I would never do with others such as go shopping or on a spa day. Of course I'm happy to meet friends for drinks and meals, go to parties etc but I always need to know that I can leave when I want. I hate feeling that I have to stay longer because I'm sharing a lift for example. I've always been like this, as a kid I'd go off on my own on family holidays, but it's only recently that I've come to realise that it's annoying to other people who actually enjoy having company and I'm always looking to escape!

Have you read AIBU? Apparently most people aren't able to make even the most basic of decisions without having to ask the internet.

Or Facebook. Everyone is ‘looking for recommendations’. Where can I buy paper? Um..Shops.

I was widowed at 35 so I've had to just crack on and do things by myself. I've had to face my fears and do things I didn't think I was capable of.

It definitely used to be 'a thing'.
I'm 50, and when I was a teenager my mother would have been mortified if she'd heard that I went into a pub by myself, even if waiting for friends. In her opinion, a gentleman arrives first and waits outside to escort a lady into the restaurant/bar/cinema.
Ladies travelling alone also used to be a rarity. My MIL was very proud of herself after her husband passed away and she went to visit family by herself - she'd never travelled anywhere alone before. She was in her 60s.

It's a great piece of etiquette for keeping women in the home.

I love being by myself, do what you want, go where you want and most of all have peace and quiet. Some people hate being alone... I treasure it, it don’t happen very often.