to think it's weird to be unable to do ANYTHING on your own?

[onceandneveragain]

met a friend to go Christmas shopping today (which reminded me why I normally do everything online ) and in one shop overheard a family who appeared to be arguing about something. Husband (assume) said to wife "Well why don't you go back and wait in the car then?" to which she replied "Oh no, I can't you know how embarrassing I find going somewhere on my own." She then appeared to be nagging one of their DC to go with her so she didn't have to walk on her own.

I mentioned to my friend this was weird, and she says her mother is exactly the same - said she always waited for her DH to go shopping with her on the weekend even though she didn't work at all in the week because she wouldn't go on her own. If she and my friend go anywhere my friend has to pick her up because her mum won't travel there on her own - not because she doesn't like driving but because she 'doesn't like to think what people are thinking about her if she's standing around waiting on her own.'

Thinking about it I remembered another friend I have who always moans about the cost of parking when we go places because she will refuse to take public transport on her own. If she is first to arrive somewhere she sits in her car rather than going inside to the cinema/pub wherever until someone else arrives.

Both my friend, and other friends mum, are really sociable, confident etc. No anxiety issues that I know of (I know you can never tell). They just HATE being on their own in public.

Is this normal? Is it (based on my very small sample of three) solely a female thing? I understand why people might not want to, for example, travel abroad alone. I can even sort of understand it when people say they don't like eating out, or going to the cinema on their own, although if you're not lucky enough to have a partner/friends who like the same things as you it's a bit life-limiting. But not being able to walk a few metres back to the car park on your own is odd, surely?

If I followed those rules I wouldn't have been able to meet my friend at all, forget carry on browsing for a little while once she'd left - let alone all the other things I have to/have chosen to do alone, from travelling for work to seeing shows when nobody want to come with me. Should I be more embarrassed about my lonely wanderings?

I have 2 friends like this. The first one brings her mum and stepdad as well as husband to everything.. for example the other day I bumped into them (all) taking their girls to a swimming lesson, they go on holiday together, go shopping together??

Other friend, seems to be joined at the hip to her (quite toxic) mum, who she will invite on girls nights outs, and asks us not to post to social media if we’ve been out with her and her mum hasn’t come. She will often turn up to things she’s been invited solely to, with her mum. They have never been on a weekend away or holiday without the parents.

Can anyone shed any light on this? I don’t think it’s even down to loving spending time with them? From the outside looking in it stems from a lot of guilt, and narcissistic controlling behaviour 🤷🏼‍♀️

For me, doing anything on my own is like a blissful vacation!

I think there is a massive difference between anxiety/PTSD (which I suffered from in the past so have plenty of empathy there), and the "older married woman" thing of not doing anything unaccompanied by your husband, because the neighbours might think you were a scarlet woman, or that your husband was failing to adequately provide for you, or whatever.

DF and DM had a similar relationship - DM wouldn't drive if DF was in the car, "because he was a man". DF would pay for everything when they were out, from the joint account, because DM couldn't be seen paying for anything when she had her husband present. DM wouldn't wait for DF in a pub or restaurant, she'd stand outside, and was horrified that I would sit on my own in a pub waiting for my friends to arrive. DM wouldn't mow the lawn, DF wouldn't so much as wash a cup up let alone any other housework or childcare, and DF didn't want DM to get a part time job once we were in school, because "it looked like he was failing to provide for us". DM used to get the bus to work until they were married, at which point DF started giving her a lift because it would have looked bad for him to let his wife take the bus. They were working class, this wasn't snobbery about the bus. It was weird fragile masculinity. This was the 1970s and early 80s. DM was never a fragile flower and she definitely wasn't scared of doing things on her own, it was just how things were.

Of course then DF died in his early 30s, so DM had to do everything herself. Which she did, with no apparent difficulty, and is still doing things like trekking in Nepal in her early 70s.

Unless there is some disability or issue, I think it is pathetic and people like this are a pain in the arse.

I often wonder if theres more to it tbh.

Possibly is. It could be that he never lets her go anywhere without him. incase she escapes

Please live and let live. None of us know how others feel and it doesn't affect us anyway.

Anxiety OP. Show some compassion.

I'm with you, OP. I prefer doing many things on my own rather than having to please other people.

I'm not an overly sociable being either. I'm much less relaxed in a group situation than I am on my own. I am happy with my own company.

Codependent relationships are the worst

Different strokes for different folks.
I wouldn't think a person is weird if they had this issue.
Then again I generally don't go describing anyone as weird, if it is not your thing fine.
Mind your nose and don't set out to make posters feel weird if they are introverted shy or suffer with anxiety.
Even my teenage niece's won't describe anyone as weird now.

Love this.

My mum hates doing anything on her own, she really limits her own life with this. There are loads of things she'd like to do but cant as my dad isn't interested but even every day things like shopping she wont do. Often we'll meet up and she'll insist on travelling together but I refuse, it extends my trip with kids in the car by another 30/50mins and as awful as it sounds one day my dad won't be here and she will have to do things on her own. It means shes always late, as she couldn't ever be the first to get there but i dont mind that

I've got friends who wouldn't go into a pub on their own and would wait outside which I never understood.

Im a lone wolf-travel,shopping,exercise etc..i just know what i like&like what i do👌 plenty of people think im nuts to be so happy alone...we're all wired differently.

Up until finishing school at 18, I remember feeling excruciatingly embarrassed to be seen out and about on my own. I felt I looked like I was a bit of a loner with no friends to go out with.
Then I finished school and that pressure suddenly lifted and I found out that shopping alone is great.

I am a lone wolf too, I enjoy being alone going places alone.
My younger Dsis only start going to the hairdresser alone in her 30's.
She is a professional, great job, beautiful.
She was crippled with anxiety to go shopping alone.
She improved when she had her DD she has a permanent mini side kick, internet shopping helps too.

Unless there is a genuine problem, I find people like this so tedious. Doing things on your own is refreshing, peaceful and enjoyable. A real bit of 'me time'.

I agree with a pp that there are some women who see it as embarrassing to be on their own (often women of a certain age) or who won’t do certain things on their own (drive, pour a drink, etc). I think we need to thoroughly get rid of the idea that there is something wrong with women going places on their own or doing things for themselves.

Unless there is a genuine problem, I find people like this so tedious
It is mostly always a genuine problem, anxiety. I think chronic loners are similar but on the opposite end of spectrum.
I know people who refuse any social interaction even a coffee in a cafe with other humans.
There is middle ground.

I'm glad some people picked up I meant people who don't have any underlying anxiety/depression - sorry perhaps I should have made this more clear in my OP. Obviously I don't know the personal details of the woman in the shop - it was the fact that she specifically said she was 'embarrassed' to walk alone rather than 'nervous' or just 'you know I don't like.'

Same with my friend and friends mum - I know them well enough to be pretty confident it's not linked to anxiety - on the very odd occasion when we did keep my friend waiting a few minutes she was never upset/worried or presented with any of the other symptoms I would associate with anxiety (from having a lose family member who has suffered with it forever) - she was just pissed off! and told us so 'I look like a dick standing here on my own/people will think I'm a weirdo!'

Basically my reason for posting has been summed up by zsazsajuju -
"I think we need to thoroughly get rid of the idea that there is something wrong with women going places on their own or doing things for themselves."

independently of any internal rational which could affect someone's reason for not wanting to be alone (whether that be anxiety or a previous traumatic experience), if your only reason for not doing so is external pressures (you assume everyone thinks you're a weird loner), then I think that's a pity. And it also links to wider sociological factors - the more it's seen as just as normal for women to do things alone as much as men, the more the world acknowledges that public spaces belong as much to both sexes, then the less you get the insidious victim 'shaming' culture on the very rare occasions something bad does happen 'Well why was she walking on her own at that time of night/in that area,' etc.

it was the fact that she specifically said she was 'embarrassed' to walk alone rather than 'nervous' or just 'you know I don't like
Where do you think embarrassment stems from. It is a reaction caused by doubt, shyness, I'd see her reply as anxiety based.
You couldn't know if something happen in the past to this lady.
Maybe she has been shopping with her DH for 40 years.
I think we need to thoroughly get rid of the idea that there is something wrong with women going places on their own or doing things for themselves
This learnt behaviour will die with the older generation, Though people not wanting to be alone will never die, if we lived in a world where it is safe for women to be alone.
People can't help if this world scares them or they think people stare.
I think you were quick to judge.

I’ve got a friend like this too. Married with a good job. No anxiety issues that I know of. But she can’t do anything alone. It’s just the way she is, and I accept that.

In some areas (like our town), if you walk off by yourself, it usually takes a whole 4 minutes before you're accosted by a 'Scuse me, I'm homeless and need some money to be able to stay in the night shelter/my kid is in the hospital and I need bus fare despite the buses being cashless /I've locked myself out of my car' or 'Damn, you've got a fat pussy - do you like anal?', or a 'Do you want to help homeless children?', 'Can you help with this survey?', etc. so I don't particularly like leaving DP, either (and vice versa).

My MIL lived about 50 miles away and when our daughter drove over to pick her up to come for Christmas she, MIL, was appalled that OH had allowed our daughter to drive 'all that way' without a man in the car!

iIntersttingl