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AIBU?

Aibu: argument over night outs

110 replies

Confused101010 · 23/11/2019 16:41

Been with boyfriend for 6 months. We're mid 20s.
We had an argument before because he went out last weekend and he's going out this weekend and was planning on going out next weekend.
I started an argument about how we dont do anything on the weekends together and how he went out last week and was hungover all day on sunday, and how it's going to be the same this week amd next.
I also said i dont want to be with someone who goes out every weekend.
He started saying how im calling him an alcoholic,
I said im not but that he binge drinks and doesnt know when to stop and that if he wants the single life of going out every weekend and being hungover on sunday then just be single,
He said i'm dictating him,
So i said well if you think i'm dictating then luckily relationships are for finding out who youre compatible with;
He said this upset him.

He's cancelled next weekend and has gone out this weekend and we made up but now i feel like a control freak :( I dont think I am since he went on holiday with friends for 2 weeks last month and I was fine,
We have cinema nights together in the week and stay overs and we had the night together last night after work but I felt itd be nice to have a weekend together :(
But i feel ive overreacted and have come across controlling

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speakout · 23/11/2019 17:15

Life is too short for this OP.

Move on and be grateful you have no children together.

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Etinox · 23/11/2019 17:17

You’re just not compatible.

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HeadSpin5 · 23/11/2019 17:18

I don’t think you are controlling but I do think you are incompatible. Apologies if I’ve missed it, but is there a reason you don’t go out together? Different friends? Or that they are into drinking and you’re not?

I don’t think either of you are wrong. As with other PPs, in my mid-20’s I was exactly like your BF. Twenty years later I’ll still go out but nowhere near as much.

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LolaSmiles · 23/11/2019 17:19

I think you've got different expectations 6 months in and long term may well not be compatible.

There's a danger that he makes short term changes but ends up resenting feeling dictated to, and you end up resenting the fact that long term he still enjoys going out with his mates.

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HeadSpin5 · 23/11/2019 17:19

....and Now have kids, would hate a partner like yours.

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BasinHaircut · 23/11/2019 17:19

Hmm, I think what you are saying is that you hadn’t made any actual plans with him, but expect him to just not have any plans so you can have a day ‘together’.

As silly as it sounds you might actually need to plan that almost, I.e. say ‘don’t make any plans for x weekend as I’d like us to spend it together’. If he is in all effects ‘free’ then why wouldn’t he go out given the opportunity?

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Confused101010 · 23/11/2019 17:22

His friends are all male and my friends arent into clubbing anymore - they have boyfriends and prefer to stay in with them so id find it awkward going out with them as they gwt very very very drunk, for example they are banned from 2 clubs

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Themountainsarecalling · 23/11/2019 17:24

I agree with @aHintOfPercy

It seems like you have different ideas about relationships, but I'd be in the camp of being unimpressed if my boyfriend wanted to go out with his mates every Saturday afternoon and get drunk and be not up for doing anything with me the next day.

I would have thought that at six months in you'd still be in the fun and newness of a relationship and trying to balance seeing your friends and boyfriend/girlfriend and doing stuff with both. Sitting on the sofa together after work and going to bed at 10 isn't the same as going out and having fun together at the weekend is it?

I'd look at it as how I fitted in the hierarchy of his priorities and for me, I'd probably say goodbye. I'd be imagining the same thing happening 10 years down the line, but me stuck at home on a Saturday wrangling kids while he's out at the pub with his mates. You've already said how you feel and he thinks it's telling him what to do, so you have a major difference of opinion on what's acceptable in a relationship.

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Confused101010 · 23/11/2019 17:24

I think i was just taken aback he was going out this weekend and next weekend as well as last, maybe i shouldnt have just presumed hed like a relaxing weekend with me

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Themountainsarecalling · 23/11/2019 17:25

And agree with other posters who posted while I was typing!

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Nanny0gg · 23/11/2019 17:30

I think that 'controlling' is the most over-used word on Mumsnet.

When you're in a relationship with someone, it's not unreasonable to expect to spend time together.

And expressing a preference for when that time is (which the other person is at liberty to disagree with) is perfectly normal.

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CupoTeap · 23/11/2019 17:31

You want different things, if you want more than he has to give them either dump him or accept it.

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IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 23/11/2019 17:34

You’re not controlling OP.

What has happened is the novelty of the new relationship has worn off for him and he’s done with the honeymoon period. Now he wants to get back to his normal life which is out drinking with his mates most weekends and being hungover most weekend days. Obviously that doesn’t interest you at all (it wouldn’t me either) so you should call time on the relationship. Because this is who he is and if you stay with him this is how your life and future will look. Even when you have children with him.

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1990shopefulftm · 23/11/2019 17:38

i think perhaps you're just not suited to one another.

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gamerchick · 23/11/2019 17:43

You do like your films don't you OP?

You're not compatible. You both have different ideas about spending time together, I like to relax like the next person but if my bloke started the whole I want you to stop with me for walks and films when I wanted to go out with my mates then there would be ructions. He may have cancelled but the more he cancels the more he'll resent it. You can't mould him into the bloke you want.

This isn't a long term bet OP. You'll always be left wanting.

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diddl · 23/11/2019 17:45

What a shame it isn't possible to go out drinking & not be too hungover to see your gfriend the next day.

Oh, wait...

I don't think he's that bothered about spending time with you tbh.

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ohwheniknow · 23/11/2019 17:46

You're just going to keep ignoring everything people say until you find the one person who'll oblige and tell you you're not controlling, aren't you?

Which kind of just makes you sound more controlling... Your absolute insistence that you are right and everyone else is wrong and needs to come around to your way of thinking.

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Confused101010 · 23/11/2019 17:47

But i havent stopped him all the time. This one time i've asked if we can have a whole weekend day together rather than him going out every weeken. i wouldnt like it if someone was stopping me either.
I dont stop him going out but i've asked if we can just have a weekend when were not rushing off

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ohwheniknow · 23/11/2019 17:48

This isn't a long term bet OP. You'll always be left wanting.

Indeed. But OP wants to change him to suit her better and fit into what she wants. Whilst claiming she's not controlling.

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BackforGood · 23/11/2019 17:48

I thought it'd be nice to have a weekend of walks and movies, I'm not a big drinker (hardly drink)

This is the big clue ^
You aren't wrong, nor are you BU, but then agin nor is your boyfriend. It is just that you have different ideas of what you want from your relationship at the moment.
As others have said, not compatible.

My dd recently broke off a 4 yr relationship as all her boyfriend wanted to do was stay in and watch TV / go to the local social club with his parents every Friday. At 23, she wanted a bit more excitement in her life!
Maybe your boyfriend isn't the right one for you with your different outlooks on life.

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Confused101010 · 23/11/2019 17:49

@ohwheniknow quite a lot of people have said im not controlling, more so than who have said i am.
You sound controlling yourself with quite a rubbish attitude that people are controlling for bringing something up thats bothering them.
I always hope my partner can bring stuff up that bothers him without the fear ill call him cobtrolling.

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ohwheniknow · 23/11/2019 17:50

But op, you didn't just share your feelings or ask him to consider doing something different, you did this:

I started an argument

What was your intention by doing that if not to stop him or punish him for deviating from your wishes?

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OnlyFoolsnMothers · 23/11/2019 17:50

If he was able to function the next day would you care he went out the night before ?

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OhDear2200 · 23/11/2019 17:51

OP - you're not responding to any of the comments about not being compatible.

That suggests to me that you're going to hang on in there hoping for him to change. Thus will not happen. Those telling you this speak from experience!

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Confused101010 · 23/11/2019 17:51

I didnt mean to start an argument. I meant "i started an argument" in terms of an argument started.

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