To hate my DH's Tory politics?

[tearsforsneers]

DH is a staunch Tory, always has been. Privately educated and long career in the military.
My background is more working class - brought up in a single parent family, not on benefits but my mum worked bloody hard so we would have a good start.

I can't bear how he supports the Tories - I find what they've done to the country (and how the future looks under them) so bleak.
Similarly, he says he's embarrassed by my support of labour, who he says are a total shambles.

We've agreed not to discuss politics but that seems a shame after five years together. I love and adore him in every other respect though we've never so vehemently disagreed in our views.

AIBU to love him yet feel uncomfortable at his political standpoint?

I think the names of the parties are irrelevant. You’ve married somebody with values fundamentally different to your own.

You can still have shared values even if you have a different political standpoint. You may both think that more should be done to help vulnerable people but your DH thinks it’s only sustainable with a strong focus on the economy and you think that the economy will grow if you support people who are struggling.

If you don’t have shared values then it’s more tricky.

We have shared values in every other respect. We parent very similarly and have strong ties and respect for our own values. It's just politically we differ!

Strong ties and respect for our own families, not Values

Can I ask what similarities you have and what really connects you?

Hobbies, habits, socialising, sex drive, family style, similar life goals?

My husband and I met whilst doing a politics and history degrees, so there's no way it wasn't important to us to broadly match. But I also couldn't be with someone who wasn't highly intelligent (lots of people seem to set a pretty low bar for that), wasn't highly moral, wasn't s an atheist, and didn't love animals. Just a few examples.

What are the things that make you two click outside of politics?

In my experience people with such different political views have such different values from me, I would struggle to be friends with them. You knew what you were getting into going into with the relationship however. It would be a deal breaker for me but I can't imagine being in your situation in the first place. Nor can I imagine having implement a ban on politics at home.

I think being able to cope with people having different opinions and thoughts on things is critical for most relationships. Do you really need your partner to agree with you? Does it cross some boundary? Can you not live harmoniously voting differently?

Ok - at the risk of sounding like a bit of an arse, from you have said here, it doesn’t sound like you’re having a particularly sophisticated political debate. If you’re both chocking around cliches, then chucking away an otherwise good marriage for the sake of that seems a bit ridiculous....

Politics has got a lot more extreme and polarised; the pendulum used to swing from centre right to centre left, whereas now the parties do represent right and left in a more extreme way. But even then, there aren’t absolute rights and wrongs with that. You can believe that markets should be “left to it” without state interference and that tax should be low, because that creates incentives and investment which means there’s more money in the whole economy, which can then be spent on better public services etc. Or you can believe that inequality is the most important issue and that it is worth sacrificing economic growth in order to have a more balanced society. They’re very different views, but neither is “bad”.

Or - look at it another way. Nobody should have entrenched views (I firmly believe the fact that so many people do has been the cause of a lot of the current problems we face!). When the facts change, you should change your views along with them. That’s especially true for political views. And it’s good to have challenge, to listen to people who don’t agree with you and to reflect on why you think the things you do and why they don’t agree with you.

I doubt most people really have different values. They just think that the route to achieving the goals is different.

Really do you think any party wants to have people homeless on the streets? Of course they don’t. They just have different ideas about how to deal with society.

I don’t support either con or lab and personally think the future is bleak under the rule of either.

I wouldn't marry someone who had fundamentally different beliefs like tory supporters. And that is coming from a Christian who married a Muslim. Which is fine with me as still belief in God and the core values of both religions are the same.

What the tory party stands for and has done, yet they still support them, this would worry me.

I think the names of the parties are irrelevant. You’ve married somebody with values fundamentally different to your own

This.

My DM and DF have been married for decades with opposing political views. They seem to just have accepted that the other has a different view so while they will offer an opinion, it's without the expectation of the other one agreeing.

Personally, I have strong leader political views so don't think I would have got very far into a relationship with someone who had very different views, but as you are married I think you just have to mutually agree to disagree.

Well.hes right Labour is a total shambles at the moment and admittedly Conservatives are not much better , people have different opinions My Grandma and ( step) Grandad were married happily for over 25 years she she was very right wing and he was very left wing .

You should agree to not bother voting as you'll be cancelling each other's votes out. Then sneak out and vote.

DH votes differently to me. I prefer it. We have good debates. Not everyone who votes Tory is bad. I vote for the good of the country.

I would suggest that it’s more about the absolute adherence to each viewpoint that’s the problem rather than the viewpoint itself. Have you actually tried to find out about each others’ different perspectives and why you hold these views? Can you talk about the pros and cons (which both perspective have) without trying to prove yourself right the other person wrong?

My political views really mellowed when I went out of my way to watch videos of “the other side”’s perspective and to understand the thinking behind that particular perspective. Maybe you could start there.

Really do you think any party wants to have people homeless on the streets? Of course they don’t. They just have different ideas about how to deal with society.

This sums it up really well.

I mean (and I genuinely don’t want to turn this into a political debate) you could argue that Tory austerity has brought about more homeless. But you could also argue that that Corbyn’s policies would crash the economy and lead to more homelessness in the longer term.

It’s so interesting to explore these ideas in a genuine spirit of learning and exploration, but it seems that there are so few opportunities to do this (or indeed people who are capable of doing it).

Do you really need your partner to agree with you? Does it cross some boundary? Can you not live harmoniously voting differently?

I think it depends on how politically engaged you are and how passionate you are about the issues on which you differ. In some marriages/relationships, where both partners have only a passing interest in politics and don't feel particularly strongly then I'm sure it would be perfectly possible to overlook it. Personally, having spent my whole adult life working in the public sector tying to support vulnerable children and families I am confronted with the human consequences of Tory policy daily and it's not something I could simply choose to ignore. I don't need DH to agree with me on everything, but I need to know that the man I share my life with shares my values when it comes to the fundamental issue of how we treat the most vulnerable in society.

It needs to be more nuanced - is it?

If he's a raving right winger then no I can't see how you can in all honesty love and respect an outlook that leads on to racism, disablism, bigotry.

I have a friend who is Tory by political leaning. However the last couple of years have seen them grow increasingly disillusioned and finally entirely against what the current Tory party and government represent. They loathe Johnson as they're intelligent enough to judge that a thick overprivileged liar isn't fit to lead a country. They won't be voting Tory next month.

So they're 'Tory' but they're not a rabid rightwing bigot.

Is your husband?

Extreme politics aside if politics is something that can drive a genuine wedge between you then you haven't got much going on in your relationship otherwise

He was a Tory when you met him. You kept seeing him and married him.

Now you're having a problem with it?

If that had been me it wouldn't have got past the day I he told me he was Tory.

Labour are a shambles I agree with him. DH and I have different political opinions. It doesn't affect our relationship though.

Unless your DH is maybe coming across as condescending and very right wing?

I've often wondered why I've never found myself a nice Tory boyfriend. All my partner's have been more left wing but I have respected their views non the less, although sometimes through gritted teeth. I thought Brexit was going to end my current relationship at one point! But at the end of the day if your lives and values align elsewhere, and you love your partner and want to be with them, arguing over politics is as ridiculous as arguing over whether brown sauce or ketchup is better. No one's opinion is more valid than the other, so just get over it and move on with your life. Agree to disagree and focus on finding the common ground you share, not the extremes of either of your views.

I lost a longish reply and came back surprised to see that many people have said what I was going to. I think most people want to support the vulnerable whilst improving things for everyone else. The disagreement is simply about the best way to do this. It is such a shame that politics has become so polarised in the last few years that some people can't even be friends with those who have different politics to themselves, when the ultimate aims of those politics might actually be the same. I also think that some people assume too much about the motivations of different political viewpoints, often incorrectly. I think that if more people really tried to understand different points of view we would have a much healthier political discourse in this country and quite possibly, by working together more, much better solutions.

Long military career....think about it, Corbyn would leave NATO. Labour took us into Iraq and were a shit show on defence, with a part time SoS for Defence at one point. He'd want rid of Trident as well.

I have a privately educated, 34 years in the military, and 6 years in defence post marry retirement dh, and he wouldn't vote Labour purely because of their stance on defence, and their reluctance to condemn Putin for Salisbury. Defence of the realm is one of the prime functions of government. If you can or won't do that, then you don't get my vote, and that includes Cameron post SDSR.