To hate my DH's Tory politics?

[tearsforsneers]

DH is a staunch Tory, always has been. Privately educated and long career in the military.
My background is more working class - brought up in a single parent family, not on benefits but my mum worked bloody hard so we would have a good start.

I can't bear how he supports the Tories - I find what they've done to the country (and how the future looks under them) so bleak.
Similarly, he says he's embarrassed by my support of labour, who he says are a total shambles.

We've agreed not to discuss politics but that seems a shame after five years together. I love and adore him in every other respect though we've never so vehemently disagreed in our views.

AIBU to love him yet feel uncomfortable at his political standpoint?

@whiteroseredrose I agree with everything you say. DH is a staunch Lib Dem and I am a floating voter who is politically homeless. I agree with some of the policies of all parties, but both the major ones have crossed ‘red lines’ for me which mean I cannot vote for them. As a disabled ex-public sector worker I would love to be able to vote for Labour, but I can’t under their current leadership.

I hate this crude division between good/bad that seems to exist. There are some really vile activists currently in momentum who are using ‘tory austerity’ as an excuse to behave appallingly. I was subjected to some vile abuse a while back for calling out a well known activist on his use of misogynistic comments about female tory MPs. His excuse was ‘they are murdering the poor, I can say whatever I like’.

I’m sorry, but being red rather than blue doesn’t stop you being an idiotic, bigoted twat.

Why is it a problem now though? Presumably you knew he was a Tory when you met him. My DP and I have different views on politics. We accept that the other votes differently, have our own opinions, then don't allow it to interfere with our relationship.

Are you considering leaving him over it? Is it really that much of an issue? I honestly don't think politics are worth splitting a marriage/relationship up over tbh.

It really isn’t a question of values op like I said above. Everyone round my way received a letter from BJ, via the local conservative candidate stating that (amongst other things)

33.9 billion extra for the NHS
20000 extra police officers
More funding for every pupil in every school

It might be crap, just like everything politicians say, who knows. I don’t trust any of them and don’t vote for this reason.
But it doesn’t look like poor values. Just different ideas about how to achieve them.

Just agree to disagree with your h.

Labour supports the renewal of the
Trident nuclear deterrent. Labour
will also actively lead multilateral
efforts under our obligations to the
Non-Proliferation Treaty to create a
nuclear-free world.

And the band played 'Believe it if you like. We all believe manifesto promises don't we, like respecting the result of the referendum.

Can't you see the inherent contradiction in what you posted? How can they support Trident renewal, when the CND website has this on it?

'Jeremy has been a member of CND since he was 15 years old and has served as chair of Parliamentary CND and vice-chair of CND. He is now a vice-president of CND. Jeremy has been an MP since 1983 and in 2015 was elected leader of the Labour party.

Jeremy has been a strong advocate of the peace movement throughout his life. We were proud to have him speak at our Stop Trident demonstration in February 2016, where he said: ‘I don’t want us to replace Trident, everyone knows that, many of the British public don’t want to replace Trident. We live in a world where so many things are possible. Where peace is possible in so many places. I’m here because I believe in a nuclear-free Britain and a nuclear-free future.’

Go figure

arguing over politics is as ridiculous as arguing over whether brown sauce or ketchup is better.

This is a really weak argument. Whether someone eats brown or red sauce does not impact on my own life or the lives of others. It does not result in a need for food banks, people sleeping on the streets, widespread inequality, unemployment etc. People don't die because someone else chooses red or brown sauce. They do die as a result of some parties' policies.

I am truly amazed that even after 10 years of austerity anyone here genuinely thinks the Tories give a one iota of a fuck about the vulnerable!

No wonder they’re on for a majority at the GE.

Or are people pretending that they think the Tories give a shit because it makes them feel better about voting for them? Because they really don’t care and they’ve actively demonstrated this FOR YEARS.

But they’ve got away with it apparently.

Wow.

(For the record no I’m not a Corbyn fan)

yasle
People can write anything on a leaflet.

Don't you see any irony in the party that led to a decline in police numbers, and a worsening NHS and school system, now making promises to improve those very things?

Did you watch Priti Patel saying it wasn't the government's fault that people were living in poverty, despite 9 years in office? If so, when Johnson talks about equality of opportunity for all, don't you question the 'values' of that party?

@twofingerstoEverything you have taken that comment out of context. It refers to two individuals in a relationship who in all other regards have similar values and beliefs and generally think the other has good intentions

A lot of other posters above put this nicely. OP you're getting swept up in the polarisation of politics. While it's all fun for the media to stress differences, it can lead to unnecessary upset when individuals start to demonise others for their political views. It's unhealthy simply naming a political party, none of which are perfect, because you are each being prejudiced if you won't concede some faults with both parties. (Personally I take find it odd that anyone can sign up to one political party regardles of changes in leader, policy etc). It's better to talk about political specifics, needs and outcomes; see if you agree on those and you might find life more harmonious. For example, whichever political party we get it looks like we're getting millions more trees, that's nice (they're just election backfill in my area because as a marginal we're getting 4 letters or leaflets per day). Labour and Conservative agree the NHS needs a lot more funding; you might both be worried about how either tranche of funding will translate into actual extra nurses, GPs and hospitals. You might also wonder how any government can deal with the global medication shortage issues and help the NHS to keep pricing reasonable. You might enjoy a debate about Ofsted and other approaches to monitoring schools, without getting emotionally attached to one party's solutions. If you don't feel that you could get along when discussing specifics, then you might not be very well matched, but you could try.

But @Mrex, the Conservatives are the party that have spent the last 10 years decimating the NHS and stealthily starting to sell it to the highest bidder .

I agree our polarised political system is a mess but surely all the current Tory party pledges to spend big on public sector are ringing hollow as the government that have spent 10 years destroying it???

Surely people can see this?

Hopefully he sees sense soon and finds himself a nice Conservative

I worked for the NHS under Labour ,they were not that great either people go on about the cuts etc but the cuts started under Labour I worked in mental health and was redeployed twice in 12 months in 2005 due to cuts there is a lot wrong with the NHS but you could throw all the money in the world at it and it wouldn't change a thing it's so badly managed .

I don’t think I’d be able to absent-mindedly marry a Tory and then not realise the significance until 5 years later.

I couldn't be with someone who has fundamentally different values to mine and would absolutely never date or marry a Tory.

It's not about party politics but a person's political views says a lot about who they are.

The only political thing we've ever disagreed about was the 2nd Iraq war, and that was before we were together. He changed his mind about that a couple of years later.

@LakieLady One of you was in support of the Iraq War? Oh dear...

It's a myth that all in the armed forces are right wing Tories too. My DSD was an officer in the air force and his friends and colleagues had the normal range of political views! In many ways there was a hatred of Tories from those serving in the early 90s (options for change)

*Can't you see the inherent contradiction in what you posted? How can they support Trident renewal, when the CND website has this on it?

'Jeremy has been a member of CND since he was 15 years old and has served as chair of Parliamentary CND and vice-chair of CND. He is now a vice-president of CND. Jeremy has been an MP since 1983 and in 2015 was elected leader of the Labour party.*

Because Jeremy Corbyn does NOT create Labour party policy. Party policy is decided by a conference at which all sections of the party are represented. Delegates from local party branches can be mandated on how to vote on specific issues by the grassroots membership.

The leader's personal beliefs, or those of any other individual, are irrelevant.

@Dongdingdong He has since repented for this error of judgment!

He (and his ex, who he was with at the time) thought that Saddam Hussein was an evil fucker (which was correct) and that getting rid of him would bring peace and democracy to Iraq (which was naive in the extreme).

I was gobsmacked. I thought they were both much more sensible than that. I recall a heated debate at their house where they singularly failed to grasp that politics in the ME is riven with a complexity of religious and ethnic differences and foreign interests, and that the establishment of a functional democracy in a region that has no prior history of that would be the work of several lifetimes. They also didn't accept that it was a matter for the UN "because the UN isn't doing anything".

By 2007, he realised that I was right and it was a huge misjudgement.

@x2boys I agree with you about a lot needing to change with the NHS - and I think we’re all going to have a lot of very difficult conversations as to how we manage the increasing demands. But the Tories fundamentally don’t even support the concept of it - any universal service is something that is an anathema to the likes of Johnson. As far as he’s concerned you pay for health and education and if you can’t afford to pay you’re clearly a lazy fuck who’s never done a decent day’s work in their life.

It’s a fundamental difference in outlook that I find hard to stomach - I certainly couldn’t be married to someone prepared to vote for him!

And the band played 'Believe it if you like. We all believe manifesto promises don't we, like respecting the result of the referendum.

I didn't say i believe it

And i don't think it's that much of a contradiction, no more than thre nnp treaty is anyway, which has signatories who maintain a nuclear arsenal

I think if trident is the most robust deterrent then we should keep it, as cynical as trident is (it's not meant to be a first strike deterrent, it's whole point is vengeance) but ultimately I'd like to see a world without nuclear weapons.

Surely most people feel broadly similar to that?

@SpaghettiSharon is a good example for OP about how NOT to have a conversation with your DH. You can passionately believe that politicians are lying, but if you hope to have discussions rather than arguments you cannot state as fact that a political party intends to do something when they state the exact opposite.

I think some posters are getting derailed into political debate rather than helping OP think through an issue in her marriage.

What??? It’s perfectly acceptable to debate politics by stating what you can see politicians doing!

What absolute crap.

I give up. You soak up Johnson’s lies. The people get the government they deserve.

So you have fundamentally different values to your husband @tearsforsneers?

I couldn't be with someone who had a different set of fundamental values to me. Hence why I could never date, no less marry, a labour support.

@tearsforsneers how fixed in his views is he? Does he shut you down, or does he respect your views? For ex, I find people who grind on and on about their entrenched political views, whatever political party they align themselves to, are absolute arses. They just want to win every point and don't give an inch. If he's like this, then it's best to put a moratorium on politics and don't get overinvested in any of it.

If anyone heard how DH and I discuss politics they'd think we were from the planet Zob, because we cherry pick things we like from each of the parties and chuck out the rest. It's sort of Woolies Pick and Mix. politics should be as much about the heart as it is about the intellect.

And we've both influenced each other over the years and met in the middle somehow. It certainly wouldn't split us up.