How to respond to this!?

[InnisandGunn]

Really good friend, one of my best friends sent me this this evening.

Back story is I have an 18 monrh DS, DSS and a partner who works away a lot. We have DSS every other weekend and up until recently I've been working 26 hours a week. Life is crazy, and I'm barely seeing friends who live down the road. This friend lives down south, with partner, no kids, both high flying jobs, family up this way but they moved further afield about a year ago. Friend comes up regularly but is quite often busy with family stuff and fairy inflexible in times she can meet. Not a problem, if we can't meet we can't meet. Life's crazy for everyone.

My problem is I want to see this friend so badly, but it's always massively inconvenient but a few times I've said yes, then had to pull out when I've realised just how much it's going to take to get there. This friend doesn't drive so I'm having to pick her up from places and drop her back sometimes up to half an hour away. Her parents place is an hour away. I work every afternoon from 12pm.

So this weekend we arranged to meet and I've had to pull out. DP has come back from a works trip that happens every year and involves early starts and stupidly late starts. I explained I was concerned it wasn't going to work but after her ignoring my messages I said I'd have to bring DS along (she doesn't seem to like me bringing DS when we meet, which is understandable). Well, I've never seen him so tired. He's been looking after drunks the last few nights and he's come in and collapsed on the sofa. We also have DSS this weekend who is 2 hours away. We leave at 7:30 to pick him up. We're concerned DSS isn't having as much fun with us recently due to being so tired and finances being tight as well as illness, timings and an array of other stuff. We're trying to pull our fingers our our arses and get back to doing what we used to so we said this weekend we'd have lots of fun.

DP is so tired I've said I'll take DS over to pick up DSS so he can have a lie in and we can get back and both be ready to have a fun filled weekend all together. I've explained this to my friend and this is the response I got.

Last time she refers to she said she told me she was there for two weeks but I honestly don't remember because when it was mentioned in passing later I was genuinely gutted. I've also offered to meet for a few drinks tomorrow night once the boys are in bed as a compromise.

I get it's frustrating and I do feel bad. But this is my best friend of 11 years. We talk regularly via SM. She's helped me through some tough times and I've listened and offered advice through hers. I love this person to bits. When I read her message I burst into tears and now I'm feeling angry.

I get it's shitty, but it came down to family or friend and family always comes first. Surely they should? I feel caught between a rock and a hard place. I feel stretched so thin and someone who's supposed to understand has dropped me, just like that. 3 months before the wedding, after discussing colours of dresses only a few days or so ago, despite her saying she's been feeling this way for a few weeks. I had other friends I wanted to ask but decided to just keep it to my absolute closest friends. Invites went out yesterday. I could have invited another close friend to the ceremony, but I can't now.

What's the point in trying to explain how I constantly feel like I'm drowning. I feel like I don't do well at work, the house is a mess, I don't see my friends, or give them enough attention when messaging and trying to stop my toddler from killing himself for the 199th time this morning. She won't understand, and it's futile trying to get her to.

So here's the message.

Hi lass, To be honest, this whole pattern of friendship isn't doing me any favours, this is the third time I've made plans to see you this year and you have bailed. I always have to have a back up plan and somewhere to stay that doesn't rely on you. I understand that you are busy with your family, but I also have a new family and my parents and in laws and friends that I have to divide my time between and I've been trying to make room for you but this doesn't feel like it's being reciprocated. I was at my parents place for 2 weeks and you didn't make time to see me then, when you could have had your pick of time. Few several weeks now I've been feeling uneasy about being your bridesmaid as although we have been good friends in the past, I do feel that that time has gone and I don't want you to feel resentment that I am in your wedding photos or part of your day when I'm no longer a part of your life. All things come to an end and I think we've reached ours. I wish you all the happiness in the world and that you have the happiest of weddings :)

If you got this far, thanks. So I guess AIBU, and how on earth should I reply?! Getting past this isn't going to happen is it?

Thanks guys @Derbee she knows all of this. I haven't told her just how much it's affecting me as when it's over messenger I don't like it to just be all me me me. But she knows what's been going on.

@RightYesButNo thank you so much. You've given me the kick up the arse to get some help. I've been on fluoxetine before and then another I can't remember the name of. I think it may be more anxiety I need help with though, but I do feel shattered all the time. I went the doctors a while back because I was literally unable to make it through the day without a nap, and I would literally be in tears if little one wouldn't nap because I didn't know how I was going to function. Thankfully it did get better, but I'm still not back to normal. I figured it was just having a child now that was doing it. You've been so so kind tonight, and made me feel as though I'm not ridiculous for being unable to cope. So thank you so much. I had no idea there were other types of antidepressants that can avoid the flatness. The car crash analogy is spot on.

This is one of those threads where the more you post the more the problem becomes obvious (huge drip feed btw) it's just all about you, me, myself and I. he's physically and mentally exhausted. He's not just tired. He's not going to be safe to drive this tired then he should be in hospital on a drip. What about the other 2 times you let her down, is his exhaustion the cause? is he indeed a verifiable walking strawman? Just admit you have been a crap friend, how is she supposed to know all this info and her message was actually quite respectful and considered. I think you don't prioritise her anywhere, let her go for now.

@InnisandGunn then I think it’s for the best to accept your friendship has run its course. And concentrate on your mental health

Okay @loseyourself. Thanks for your help.

You've had some harsh replies here OP.

But tbh I did let friendships dwindle a lot, but I lived overseas so it was more acceptable.

I work FT with 2 DC and dh who works and commutes long hours. I just don't have any more to give to anyone.

I'm back in my home country now and my focus is my parents and sister, some close family. I've been back a year and it took me 8 months to catch up with my closest (not best) friend.

I don't cancel, but I avoid a lot of invites.

@Derbee that's the plan I think. I can't do much more now. I've pushed her too far which is understandable. As for me, I need to get myself together and 'man up' as it were.

@loseyourself I believe once I wasn't available as previously described. And the second time my DS was very poorly. Happy? I really don't understand what people get our of being so harsh to one another.

Fluoxetine is famous for the flat feeling, so it’s not you, really. They call it SSRI-induced indifference, or emotional blunting, and there are entire medical papers about it. So please do mention it to your doctor if they want to try antidepressants again - that you experienced flatness when taking an SSRI. I’m sorry this isn’t an answer for your original problem with your friend, but it may be that once you’re able to get some help, it will be easier to think it through for yourself since you have more information on the situation than you could ever feasibly share here, even if you replied to every comment. When your mind is so filled to the top with worry or anxiety, on such high alert, it can feel so overwhelming to try to think through things. Once that gets solved, or at least lessened, it can be like removing a 50kg weight you were carrying constantly.

@Innis you need to be kind to yourself. Get yourself together in whatever way works for you. Good luck

Thank you for all your help @RightYesButNo. I'm going to book an appintment at the GPs on Monday, and do some reading around SSRIs, MAOIs etc. Really appreciate your kindness and help tonight.

Sounds like you’ve taken her for granted and she’s had enough. Fair call I say

Hey OP 👋

You've had some nasty and pretty stupid replies here, along with a few decent ones.

Please don't let this all get to you (you came on here for help and a fair hearing ...).

I totally get everything you've said. And personally I think her behaviour is disappointing. I think she's let you down hugely. And her message was really quite mean. Actually a bit astonishing. And it breaks my heart to hear you listening to people on here and then saying OMG yes you've been unforgivably awful and deserved to lose such a good friend.

Bollocks.

You're in a peculiarly stressful moment in your life. Several very challenging things have come together at once. Even the investigation on its own would be enough. But you also have a toddler. And are working round a potentially unhappy DSS. And your fiancé's hours are often long and unpredictable and his job is draining, and you're responding to and supporting him. Money is tight. Oh and hang on you're also organising your wedding! 😬 You're under immense emotional and practical/time pressure.

Now this friend - she doesn't have any of that going on. None of it. And she has made you feel obliged to drive for hours to collect and drop her off. She sat nearby at her parents' house for two weeks and didn't make the effort to meet up. She won't come out with your other friends to make the most of the chances you have to meet up. And she gets annoyed if you bring your little boy, so you can only see her when cover for him is arranged or it works for your DP yo have him.

She is the selfish one. She is the one not making an effort out of her comfort zone, and not caring about how you're struggling. You do manage to keep up with her on SM and talk there. Which in itself is an achievement, because sometimes it's hard even to do that. Her life is easy and neatly organised. She gets annoyed with you for being unruly and unreliable. She's being mean.

A real friend would be supporting you and saying don't worry love, of course I understand. Would give you the benefit of the doubt. Wouldn't question your good intentions and would feel sorry for you that you couldn't meet up because she's wanted to give you a hug and reassure you she's there and is feeling for you.

And omg, no she would not have added to your woes but throwing in your face being your bridesmaid, and in such a horrid way.

I can't help feeling you might have some things she slightly wants, and she's angry with you for being in a state and (as she would see it) not coping, and she's just basically cross that your family come before her. Of course they do. I have never ever ever been cross with a friend for cancelling. It's one of the rules for me of friendship. Acceptance and understanding. Love! Loving your friends.

So: yes, it was horrid and mean, what she said and did. Especially to give you this extra grief when you've got so much on your plate. Please try to reframe this. She's not the friend you thought she was. You haven't lost an amazing friend. You've found out someone wasn't up to bring the kind of friend you are and need. It's good this has happened only because you really don't need her anger and resentment in your life.

Poor OP. You need a giant hug and for someone to show you actually how strong you are and how well you're managing. You sound great, and I'd happily be your friend! 🙂

And as for that thing about sucking a dick - what's wrong with that? Sounds good to me. 😅 (come on - it was funny - don't worry - people were being really narrow-minded and pompously self-righteous, I thought).

Ask another friend to be your bridesmaid. I'm sure it's not too late. And don't get too hung up on the idea of medication - I actually think you need a boost mostly to your morale, and to be told you're doing good. Hang on in there. It won't be like this forever.

Sorry for typos 😬

And before I get slated - no no of course I wasn't really condoning the dick comment, but just trying to lighten the OP's burden of guilt here!

I can see where she is coming from. At least she is being honest with you, rather than avoiding you or
You aren’t making enough effort or investing enough time in the relationship. Lots of people are busy and under pressure

I have a friend like you and to be honest lm sick of her. I live hundreds of miles away, for years she claims she can’t see me, l visit her and then have to fit my visits around her life. Then gets irritable if l can’t or won’t. She’s always keen to make clear she thinks l have it so “easy” and she has it oh so hard. We have fertility issues and work has been a nightmare for a while e.g. lot of 12+ hour days, weeks with no days off etc. Not my fault she chose to have 2 children in close succession and her husband is unsupportive. It’s not as if she’s been working much either. She has little empathy and is very self absorbed. Your post is making me think more about me doing something similar to her

You're not a shit bag, OP. Your friendship has run its course because you both need different things from it. That's all.

I don't blame her and impressed that she was so polite! She could have just ghosted you but wanted you to know how much you've taken her for granted. I hope she moves on to friends who appreciate her!

I think you should stop being so hard on yourself. You have got caught up in a bubble of life. Whenever I meet friends I have to take my DS with me (daytime) and I don't go out in the evenings because I know if I'm up 4-5 times a night I will be even more exhausted. I have lost a friend because I'm no use to her (she is single, wanting to go out, no responsibility etc) and I had to cancel on her due to my son being poorly (he was admitted to hospital) and she saw her bum and I've cancelled because I've just been that exhausted I've just wanted my bed. Surely real friends would understand. I do think if that's how she felt she dealt with the situation in a mature way though. People grow apart and when you have kids your priorities are different. Don't blame yourself x

You do sound very tired and stressed. It's a shame your friend couldn't be kinder and more understanding about your circumstances. Don't let this thread upset you.

I’m sorry that you’ve received that message, I’m in a similar situation with a friend, It’s really difficult because I kept thinking I’m a good friend, and we’re as important to each other. however when my friend keeps cancelling, I try to understand, mostly, but it does get hard nae to think they’re just nae as bothered about the friendship as you are. I would suggest you leave her to it just and simply respond “sorry you feel that way, hope we can at least keep in touch”

To be honest I had a friend dump me without any reason given, just went quite and stopped talking to me, it hurts but sometimes you’ve got to just say “well that’s okay, we’re just at different points in our lives”

At least she’s given you a reason for her stopping the friendship and who knows if your situation improves, gets less hectic, you could always get back in touch with her

Your husband’s son needs to be his responsibility. You chose to help him do his parenting duties. She is not just ignorant of busy lives because she doesn’t have kids. It seems you would rather focus on your anxiety & problems than truly acknowledging how your friend feels at being cancelled multiple times in a row. You expected her to be understanding, but you haven’t given her that respect either.

It sounds like you know your weekends are busy & family filled, yet your made plans with her knowing that.

It sounds like you enjoy having plans & knowing you have things organised with friends, but bail on the last minute due to your own life. You don’t seem to want to meet up with them as much as you like knowing you have plans & friends waiting in the background.

Your actions will have made your friend upset, hurt, but it’s all about you & your mental anguish over your court case right now. You don’t have time for her or space in your mind to be considerate of her feelings.

If I were you, would be getting annoyed at myself for being flaky & my husband for letting me down with his parenting duties to the point that I lost a friendship because was out picking up his Son !

Maybe you are the type that likes being needed & thinking you’re indispensable. Otherwise why cancel your friend to go pick up your step son ?

If he is that tired he is incapable of driving then he is not managing his life efficiently. It must be him who picks up his son not you & he dropped the ball

The hours you describe are not that bad. 8-5 with some long shifts. Which are on the weekend. Which is when you made plans. Can you not see how you stuffed your friend around when you already knew you would be busy?

Next time value your friendships & don’t expect them to pander to you just because you have a partner, kid & step son. Your life doesn’t sound that busy.

I’m more in agreement with Lottie. I cannot believe she sat half an hour away from you basically having nothing to do beyond house sitting and having fun meeting up with other friends knowing what you have going on in your life and then berated you for not making time for her. She could have easily got on the phone, let you know she was around and got in a taxi. But then she doesn’t want to be around your family so had no incentive to do this because she only ever wanted to see you by yourself.

I get she’s disappointed at you not coming out. But she’s expected you to jump through hoops too high to meet each time you’ve organised to see her. You unrealistically have said yes because you love her and want to see her then come down to earth and realised it is too hard. This is a big failing on your part of course so I’m not saying she is 100% at fault. She has then felt let down when you have been unable to commit to what she pushed you do agree to do. Consequently you both have had a part to play in how this played out.

You sound pretty passive and need to sort out boundaries. She otoh sounds rather like a princess actually. Stamping her feet and wanting things her way. Had you had better boundaries and refused to run around after her in the first place, the friendship would have fizzled out this way and you’d have received a similarly worded email. I don’t think there is any way that you could have kept this friendship alive from what you’ve said.

So what should you take from this? You need support, to create some boundaries, learn to be realistic with others expectations. All in all therapy would be good and help you with this.

For now, I’d get the invitation in the post today to the friend you actually wanted to invite but didn’t. You don’t need to give a full blown explanation - it will hardly be noticed. And don’t be shy to ask another friend to be a bridesmaid. I’d do all of this sooner rather than later. Once you have a new plan in place you will feel a lot better.

This is very sad. Her feelings are obviously very hurt. Your response sounds good.

Two things stand out to me here from your OP. Firstly I think you are right that if she doesn’t have kids yet she just doesn’t get it. Hopefully if she ever has her own family it might be a good time to reconnect when she finally realised how all,consuming they can be.

The other thing that stands out to me is that you say you feel like you are drowning, losing touch with friends and not coping well (a paraphrase) and yet you have told your DH to sleep in while you pick up his child because he is so tired. It sounds like are martyring yourself in an attempt to be the perfect wife and mother. You are tired too and you need a change of scene and some adult down time just as much as he does.

I think your friend could possibly be testing the strength of your friendship with her message, maybe even subconsciously and is looking for a response from you to say whether you want to continue the friendship. She is probably feeling vulnerable that you’ve cancelled on her a number of times and is wondering whether you want to end the friendship. She’s giving you a get out clause. If her friendship means a lot to you then reassure her that you do really want her at your wedding and that you do really value her friendship. If she accepts this you will both need to make time before the wedding for a good heart to heart talk and clear the air between you. If you can get past this and understand each other’s situations then your friendship could possibly develop to be stronger than ever but it will take work and understanding on both sides. If you apologise for letting her down again and send her an olive branch and she rejects it then you have to accept the friendship is over. Or if you don’t have the time and commitment to put in to try to save your friendship then accept your lives are too different now and walk away and ask someone else to be your bridesmaid. You have a choice and you have to decide whether you want to try to save your friendship.

I'm sorry your upset but it seems to me the friendship was working for you with messages / phonecalls but physical meetups just aren't working for you right now? She Is within her rights to decide that doesn't work for her. I'm a bit confused with what you said about your partner it sounded at first like he was on a work night out but then you said hes been at work working 16 hour days. If you knew he was working this big event, knew you had his son and knew you had a fun weekend plans why did you arrange to meet her ? It wasnt going to work was it ? Really you should have explained this to her to begin with and not arranged to meet her. It seems like you maybe agree without really thinking it through then feel ok to cancel on her as your other commitments come first. I also do think if you txt her at 10 saying your partner was asleep at 10 and very tired then from her point of view she probably didnt really understand why he couldn't get up in the morning after a full nights sleep so feels this is a poor excuse. I think you need to think things through more so if you know you are struggling with your mental health ,feeling very tired, your partner is not available to look after the children ect then it would be better to explain this to the person rather than just agree but then the day before cancel on them. It sounds like she comes to visit her family and all friends so probably doesn't have huge amounts of time and is trying to visit everyone. Sometimes if we want to maintain the relationship we just have to do things that dint really fit in with us. I had A family member was visiting from abroad he wanted to see us and my son the time he wanted to meet was when my child would be getting ready for bed , it was half hour walk away ( I dont drive ) we had a hospital appt that day that ran late it made everything a huge rush but we went and had a great time and I'm so glad we did. If I had cancelled we wouldn't have seen him. I hope you start to feel better soon and things improve for you , try being honest with friends and family that you are struggling and cant commit to much right now. I think people are alot more understanding of that than agreeing to things that wont work for you then cancelling. In time your friend may reconsider but I do think she has been honest and I respect the fact she did this before your wedding.

I think she's got a point too

This happened to my brother about 10 years ago and one of his best friends said he was sick of being cancelled, DB turning up late and knackered and not wanting to have quality time with his friends and they lost touch for about 8 years, back friends again now and DB has sorted himself out so he spends more quality time with his mates rather than cramming in visiting too many friends over a weekend and upsetting people
Time may heal this too, but you've got to make quality time for your friends